Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Week Nine, Day 58 - "Big Fat Lies"

“Big Fat Lies”
Written by Joe Janes
3/17/09
58 out of 365

CAST:
Julie, 30s
Ned, 30s

(Lights up on Ned sitting on the couch, wearing cut-off shorts, eating potato chips, and watching TV. Julie enters.)

JULIE
Ned.

NED (turning off TV with remote)
Uh-oh.

JULIE
You said you were going to clean today.

NED
I did. I did clean.

JULIE
Where? Where did you clean? This place looks like the backseat of your car.

NED
I swept.

JULIE
Shuffling in your stocking feet between the couch and the kitchen doesn’t count as sweeping.

NED
Ha-ha. I swept in the hall.

JULIE (she looks)
There’s cat puke in the hall.

NED
Which is why I swept.

JULIE
Then why is there cat puke in the hall?

NED
I’m letting it dry so it will be easier to sweep up.

JULIE
It’s dry. Looks like it’s been dry for hours.

NED
Okay, CSI. I’ll clean it up.

(He gets up off the couch)

JULIE
Ned, I’m tired of your big, fat thighs.

NED
What did you say?

JULIE
You heard me. You’re a liar.

NED
That’s not what you said.

JULIE
And now you’re lying to me about what I said.

NED
You said you are tired of my big, fat thighs.

JULIE
Lies. I said “lies.”

NED
You said “thighs.” You – you think I’m fat. (He starts to tear up.)

JULIE
No, baby, no.

NED
It’s these stupid shorts. I knew I shouldn’t wear them.

JULIE
You look sexy in those shorts. Come here.

(She sits and pats the spot next to her.)

NED
No.

JULIE
Ned. Come here. (She pulls Ned towards her and makes him sit on her lap.) There. (Groans a bit) That’s better. Doesn’t that feel better?

NED
Yeah.

JULIE
Whatever I said, I didn’t mean it, baby. You know I didn’t mean it. You’re my guy. My sexy guy. I love you. You’re as handsome as the day I met you. Even more. (She meows.)

NED
You don’t think I’m fat?

JULIE
Not at all. You know I get a little tongue-tied when I see you in your manly Daisy Dukes. Why don’t you head on into the bedroom and slip out of them. I’ll be right in.

NED (giggling)
Okay. (He kisses her on the lips.) I’ll go warm up the Craftmatic.

(He exits)

JULIE (to the audience)
You know, if he weren’t so damn good in the sack, I’d dump his fat ass.

(Ned comes back in looking coy.)

NED
Julie, honey, you sure you don’t think I’m fat?

JULIE
Ned, you look flabulous.

(Ned gasps and runs off crying.)

JULIE (continuing and following)
What? What? Now, what did I say?

(Blackout)

6 comments:

idjar said...

Rawsome.

GarinT said...

This is fatastic.

Anonymous said...

Silly, wonderful, fun!
MJ

Chris Othic said...

Nice one.

Time for a challenge: write something with some physical comedy. Go!

mark krause said...

Julie should be lucky at least he wasn't farting all over the place

Henri D said...

Dibs on Ned.
Now your writing roles for me!