Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Week 13, Day 87 - "Officer Arsenty"

“Officer Arsenty”
Written by Joe Janes
4/15/09
87 of 365

CAST
Tim, 20s
Neil, 20s
Officer Arsenty, 50s

(In the dark we hear a siren. Lights up on Tim and Neil in a car. Tim is driving. Behind them is Officer Arsenty in his car.)

TIM
Aw, crap. We’re being pulled over.

NEIL
Tim, you ran that red light.

TIM
It was yellow, Neil.

NEIL
Which is when you should have slowed down. It turned red. Like it always does after yellow.

(In the background, a rather rotund Officer Arsenty climbs out of his car and approaches the driver’s window. His movements are a little slow and deliberate. He carries a bone. Tim rolls down the window.)

TIM (continuing)
Evening, officer, sir.

(Officer Jobe just stares at him.)

TIM (continuing)
Is there a problem?

(Jobe lets out a big sigh. Tim gets a face full of booze fumes. He looks at Neil. Jobe wobbles a bit, and then shushes Tim. Jobe then staggers back a few feet and beckons Tim to “come here.” Tim slowly and reluctantly does.)

TIM (continuing)
Yes?

JOBE
I like you, son. What’s your name?

TIM
Tim.

JOBE
Jim. I like you, Jim. I’m Officer Jobe Arsenty.

(Jobe puts his hand on Tim’s shoulder)

NEIL
Hey, I can see you!

(Jobe pulls his gun.)

JOBE
Who’s there?

TIM
It’s okay, it’s okay! It’s just my friend, Neil. There. In the passenger’s seat.

JOBE
I have my eye on you.

NEIL
I doubt it.

(He drops his gun as he tries to put it away. He tries to pick it up and kicks it instead. Tim gets the gun and hands it to him.)

JOBE
Thank you, Jim.

NEIL
It’s Tim.

JOBE
Who the hell are you?

NEIL
I’m Neil. Tim’s friend.

JOBE
There ain’t no Tim, here. Get out of the car. (Neil opens the car door) Whoa! Slowly! Slowly!

NEIL
Okay. Okay. Don’t shoot me.

JOBE
Don’t you tell me what not to do. Where are you boys heading?

TIM
A party.

JOBE
Party boys, eh!

NEIL
My mom’s birthday party.

JOBE
That sickens me.

NEIL
Okay.

JOBE
You sicken me. Let me see you walk a straight line.

(Neil sighs and walks a straight line towards Jobe who points his bone at Neil like a gun.)

JOBE (continuing)
Stop or I’ll, or I’ll…bone you. Gun?

TIM
Right there.

JOBE
Oh. Thank you. You’re nice. But you-!

NEIL
You told me to move!

JOBE
Oh, yeah. Close your eyes and touch your nose.

(Neil does, easily.)

JOBE
Did he do it, Jim?

TIM
Yeah.

JOBE
Touch his nose.

NEIL
What?

JOBE
Don’t smart off, smarty. Close your eyes and touch Jim’s nose.

(Neil closes his eyes and manages to eventually touch Tim’s nose.)

JOBE
Did he do it?

TIM
Yeah. Poked my eye, too.

JOBE
That wasn’t part of the instructions. I’ll have to bring you in. Spread ‘em.

NEIL
Oh, come on!

JOBE
Get up against the car and spread your legs. I need to pat you down.

NEIL (doing so)
Oh, joy.

(Jobe walks up to Neil, starts to pat him down, but passes out against Neil while doing so.)

NEIL
Oh, God, get him off me. I feel his bone.

TIM
Yeah, yeah. Okay.

(Tim gets Jobe off Neil and sits him down on the road.)

NEIL
That guy is stinking drunk.

TIM
You think?

NEIL
Let’s go.

TIM
We can’t just leave him sitting in the road.

JOBE (coming to)
Jim. Jim. Come here.

TIM
What is it, Officer Jobe?

JOBE
Are you married? Got a girlfriend?

NEIL
You don’t have to answer that.

TIM (waving Neil to be quiet)
No, Jobe. I don’t have either, right now.

JOBE
Aw, that’s too bad. What about the other one? You got one.

NEIL
Yeah. A girlfriend. We might get married.

JOBE
Well, let me tell you something. Let me tell you both something. You find a girl you love with all your heart, hope you die first.

NEIL
Die first. Got it. We can go, now, right?

TIM
Jobe, why do you say that?

JOBE
Because Millie died a year ago. And it’s been hell. Sheer hell.

(Jobe starts crying into Tim’s chest. Tim reluctantly holds him.)

TIM
Jobe, I don’t think you should drive. Can we give you a lift somewhere?

JOBE
Aw, you don’t have to do that.

TIM
No, no, it’s okay. I insist. C’mon.

(Neil and Tim help Jobe get into the backseat of their car.)

TIM
There you go.

(Neil and Tim get in to the front seat. Tim starts driving.)

TIM (continuing)
You okay back there, Jobe?

JOBE
Yeah.Yeah. The station's just up the road a bit.

NEIL
Sorry about your wife.

JOBE
Why are you sorry about my wife?

NEIL
Just seems like a very sad thing to go through, losing your wife Millie.

JOBE
My wife ain’t dead. Millie’s was my cocker spaniel. I sure miss that pooch. Oh, Millie, oh, Millie…Why? Why?

(He starts wailing and kissing the bone. Lights fade.)


THE 365 VIDEO CHALLENGE!


Tuesday, April 28 will mark the 100th sketch posted on 365 Sketches. To honor the occasion, we at 365 headquarters (me) are issuing a video challenge! Create a video of one of the first 100 365 Sketches and post it to YouTube. Let me know when its posted using the comment section here. I'll link to the video for all to see. You have until midnight central time on April 28th to post. On Wednesday, April 29th, I'll announce the winner!

Ooh, and what does the winner receive?


A crisp ten dollar bill. In fact, this very one. Suitable for framing.

5 comments:

Director said...

When I win, can you not make that scary face when you hand me the cash?

idjar said...

Well done, laddie. Nice work of cranial manipulation. You had me feeling a chuckling disgust, then sincere sympathy, before indelicately slamming me in the nads with the canine twist.

Joe Janes said...

Sorry. Scary face and ten dollar bill are a package deal.

GW said...

I smell a true story.

Joe Janes said...

Sadly, no. The only truth is from what got the wheels turning on the idea. I saw a "drunk cop" warning flyer on the CTA. Not official. A protest against the drunk Chicago cop who killed two people with his car last weekend. Couldn't find anything funny in that tragedy, but it lead me to the idea of a drunk cop trying to give someone a sobriety test.