Thursday, April 23, 2009

Week 14, Day 95 - "Crept Out"

“Crept Out”
Written by Joe Janes
4/23/09
95 of 365

CAST:
MAX, 30s
NATHAN, 20s
BLAINE, 30s

(Lights up on Nathan and Max working at their desks.)

MAX
So, they bring the meat right to your table and it’s on these swords.

NATHAN
Cooked?

MAX
Yeah, cooked. And all kinds, fillet mignon, steaks…steaks…all kinds.

NATHAN
Sounds like my kind of place.

(Blaine enters.)

BLAINE
Hey, Max. Wanted to tell you good job on the Folger presentation. You looked good up there.

(Blaine smacks Max on the shoulder with the back of his hand and exits.)

MAX
Thanks, Blaine.

NATHAN
Congrats.

MAX
Yeah. Thanks.

(Max shakes his head and shivers a bit.)

NATHAN
What’s wrong?

MAX
Gay people creep me out.

NATHAN
Oh…. Are you talking about Blaine?

MAX
Yeah. The guy’s a total flame.

NATHAN
Really? I never noticed.

MAX
Well, you need to get your gay-dar fixed. That man is hungry to gnaw on my ass.

NATHAN
I don’t really think so.

(Blaine re-enters.)

BLAINE
Hey, Nathan. Here are the press clippings from the Driscoll campaign. Don’t reference all of them. Just pick two or three of the best ones.

NATHAN
Sure thing, Blaine.

BLAINE
You’ll have that done…2-ish?

NATHAN
Shouldn’t be a problem.

BLAINE
Thanks.

(He exits. Max sits and nods at Nathan.)

MAX
See what I mean?

NATHAN
…No?

MAX
2-ish? Please.

NATHAN
He has a motorcycle. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a gay man ride a motorcycle.

MAX
You have if you’ve seen Blaine on one.

NATHAN
He has a girlfriend.

MAX
Correction. He has a wife. And she’s preggers.

NATHAN
So, then, he’s probably not gay.

MAX
All that means is this… (He mimes stroking a beard.)

NATHAN
He’s wise?

MAX
No. It means his wife is a beard. A front. It’s all a ruse to hide his queertitude.

NATHAN
Max. I have to be honest. I really just don’t see it. But even if what you are saying is true… so, what?

MAX
So, nothing. Except when he looks at me like, well, the way I look at a sword full of meat.

NATHAN
But, I’ve never seen him do that.

MAX
All right. Time to open your eyes, Nathan. Call Blaine in here.

NATHAN
Okay. (He picks up the phone) Hey, Blaine. Nathan. Can you come here for a second? (Hangs up) He’s on his way.

(Max gets up. Bends over while opening the bottom drawer of a filing cabinet. Blaine enters.)

BLAINE
What’s up, Nathan?

NATHAN
Uh, Max, um…

MAX (still bending and pointing his behind in Blaine’s direction)
We were looking for the archival Driscoll material from a few years ago. Can’t seem to find it.

BLAINE
They’re probably not in there. I’ll have someone check in storage. Hey, are those Dockers?

MAX (righting himself, looks knowingly at Nathan)
Yes. I got them at Sears.

BLAINE
I like those. My wife won’t let me get them. Says they’re un-cool. Who cares, if they’re comfortable… Women.

(He exits.)

NATHAN
Oh, my God. You are so right. I couldn’t see it until you pointed it out to me. But, man, that was so obvious.

(They go back to work at their desks.)

MAX
Told ya’.

NATHAN
It does kind of creep me out, now.

MAX
Me, too.

(As Nathan continues to work, Max stares at him as if he wanted to gnaw on Nathan’s ass. Nathan’s feels Max’s eyes on him and turns to face Max. Max catches himself and goes back to work, as does Nathan.)

NATHAN
Meat on swords.

MAX
Yeah. Flame-broiled. Good stuff. I could swallow one of the swords whole. (Max steals a glance at Nathan. Lights fade.)

3 comments:

idjar said...

This has been another episode of Brokeback Office, brought to you by Brazilian Churrascaria. They know how to handle a hungry man.

GarinT said...

2-ish is a fantastic argument for gayness.

High five on this love fest.

Nat Topping said...

"That man is hungry to gnaw on my ass." Delightful.