Written by Joe Janes
(Based on characters created by Chris Novoa and Mike Stull)
110 of 365
(Lights up far stage left on radio sports talk host, Stu Federson. He sits alone in a booth wearing headphones and speaking into a microphone. Next to him is a small control board. Always within reach is a can of caffeine-free Diet Coke.)
STUWelcome back to “In The Outfield” with Stu Federson. I’m Stu Federson. Today we’re talking about the Grady VanLehn, pitcher for the Chicago Blaze. This guy is on fire, just weeks away from breaking the no-hitter streak set nearly 20 years ago by Orel Hershiser. Let’s take your calls.
(Lights down on Stu and up on Chonos, in handmade denim cut-offs and a t-shirt, pacing back and forth in his living room. His mother, Millie, sits in a chair on the telephone.)
MILLIEI’m on hold, dear.
CHONOSDon’t forget what to say.
MILLIE (looking at a note)I won’t forget. I have it right here. Oh, here I go.
(Lights come back up on Stu while staying on Millie and Chonos.)
STUThis is Stu Dog – woof - and you are in the outfield… Hello?... Millie from Waukegan? You there?
MILLIEOh. That’s me. I’m sorry. I didn’t know you were talking to me.
STUWell, I am. Talking right at cha. What’s on your mind?
(Chonos prompts Millie.)
MILLIEWell, Stu. I am a long time listener and a first time caller.
STUThat’s wonderful, sweetheart.
MILLIEAnd I am mad as… (To Chonos) I’m not going to say that… I’m as mad as hail… about Grady VanLehn.
STUYou mean because of his questionable past in the major leagues.
STUWhich is it, dear?
MILLIEBoth. But what really burns my b-b-buns… is how he’s getting all this attention for breaking a record.
STUWell, he hasn’t done it yet, but it’s pretty big news. And in press conferences, he’s gone out of his way to acknowledge his teammates, such as fielder Chonos.
STUYes. Stanley Chonos.
MILLIEWell, that’s nice.
(Chonos non-verbally freaks out at his mom)
STUYes. I suppose it is nice.
MILLIEBaseball’s so much nicer than football. Don’t you think, Stu? In football they do all that rough housing.
STUWell, I like them both, but I have to admit a slight preference for baseball. Is there anything else I can do for you, today, Millie from Waukegan?
(Chonos prompts some more)
MILLIEOh, yes. Yes, there is. I’m still very angry, Stu. VanLehn is getting all this (looks at her notes and winces) movie star attention while his teammates, such as the taller more handsome Stanley Chonos, get pushed aside. I blame the liberal media. It’s all Grady, Grady, Grady. Why not interview someone like Stanley? As a fan of the Chicago Blaze, I would like to hear what he has to say. Don’t you care about him?
STUUm, sure. I care about Chonos. He’s good in the outfield. He’s sloppy at bat. He couldn’t hit a beanbag chair with is ass, let alone a ball with a stick of wood.
MILLIEHe can too hit a beanbag chair with ass, oh, you’ve made me so upset.
STUIt’s okay. Calm down, Millie. I concede the beanbag point.
(Chonos tries to grab the phone.)
MILLIE (struggling with Chonos)Listen, here, young man, you are nothing but a mean, mean man. Stanley Chonos is a good boy. He works very hard. And he loves his mother. -No, Stanley! I’m not done telling him what for!
STUUm, ma’am? Mrs. Chonos? Could you put your son on?
MILLIEFine. But watch what you say. You’re not too old to have your mouth washed out with soap.
STUYou talking to me or Stanley?
CHONOS (takes phone)Um, hi, Stu.
STUChonos, buddy! Your mom sounds like a staunch supporter. She also the president of your fan club?
CHONOSYes, but, look… I didn’t know she was going to be calling you. I just walked in.
STUMoms can be sneaky that way.
CHONOSNo kidding. Well, hey, it was nice talking to you. Love the show-
STUChonos, you really have a problem with VanLehn being treated like a movie star?
CHONOSI actually thought it was more like a rock star, but, yes. I do. You guys started off treating him like he had the plague and now you act like his, his – (looks at his mother)… doo-doo don’t stink and tastes like caviar to boot. Ain’t nobody scrambling to talk to the guys busting their buns to help him.
STUYou’re right, Chonos, You know what? I’d love to have you on the show.
STUYeah. Do a full hour. We’ll talk about whatever you want. Tomorrow night, okay?
CHONOS (giving his mom a thumbs up)Yes!
STUJust one catch.
STUBring your mom.
(Millie gives Chonos a thumbs up. Blackout)