Written by Joe Janes
124 of 365
(Lights up on Martha in her apartment late on a Saturday night. She is wearing what she probably considers to be a sexy housecoat. She is lighting candles, fixing up the living room. Her intercom buzzes and she answers it, trying to sound sexy.)
GARY (VO)Romeo Pizza.
MARTHACome on in, Romeo.
(She presses a button. Nervous, she grabs some Febreeze and spurts it around the apartment and under her armpits. The doorbell rings. She poses on the sofa.)
MARTHACome in, it’s open.
(The doorbell rings, again.)
MARTHA (a little louder)Come on in, the door is open.
(The doorbell rings, again.)
(The door opens and standing there is Gary, a very old pizza delivery guy. He is out of shape and has pit stains on his polo shirt.)
GARYDid somebody order a pizza?
MARTHAYou’re not Gary.
GARYYes, I am. I’m Gary. And you are (looks at address on pizza box) Martha Dandridge, right? You order a pepperoni pizza.
(Martha gets up and closes her bathrobe.)
MARTHAThere must be some mistake. I specifically asked for Gary to bring me my pie.
GARYWell, there is more than one Gary that works at Romeo’s.
MARTHAThey asked me if I meant New Gary or Old Gary and I said New Gary.
GARYNew Gary. That’s me. Old Gary’s worked there longer than I have. I just started. Ergo, I’m New Gary.
MARTHAThis just won’t do. You’ll have to turn around and tell Old Gary, young hunky Old Gary, to bring me my pie.
GARYI can’t do that, lady. I have to collect the money. $14.98. If I don’t collect the money, it comes out of my own pocket.
MARTHAHow insulting. I’ve never paid for a pizza in my life.
GARYWhat did you do when the other Gary brought you pizza?
(Martha blows out candles and turns on the lights.)
MARTHAWhat do you think?
GARYOh. That really happens? I thought that only happens in movies. Bad movies.
MARTHAIt happens to Gary. Once a week for a few months, now. It’s like ordering take out sex.
GARYIt’s been awhile and I didn’t shower today, or yesterday, but I can probably help you out.
MARTHAThanks. Now, I really don’t want that pizza. I’ll see if I can scrape up a few dollars. (She finds her purse and starts rummaging through it.) Say, aren’t you too old to be delivering pizza.
GARYI’m too old for a lot of things. A job’s a job.
MARTHAAll I have is a ten.
GARYWhy don’t I split it with you? You take half the pizza and I’ll take half.
MARTHAKeep it. Keep it all. Just send the other Gary along when you get back.
GARYMartha, look. I know I don’t look nothing like Gary.
MARTHANo. You don’t. Gary glistens.
GARYSweat, glisten, whatever. I understand you’re disappointed but that boy is eighteen if he’s a day. I may not be pumped up on hormones like him and, well, don’t have a lot of things going on physically like he does, but I’ll tell you what I do have going for me.
GARYI kiss good. My wife used to tell me I’m a good kisser.
MARTHAShe used to tell you that?
GARYShe passed a few years back. Her nickname for me was Sugar Lips.
MARTHAReally? I find that hard to believe.
GARYOnly one way to find out for sure.
MARTHAOh, what the hell.
(She steps towards him, but then grabs the Febreeze and spurts him down with it. She kisses him and, damn, if he wasn’t right. He dips her as they kiss. She is perklempt.)
GARYDidn’t I tell ya?
MARTHAYour wife was a lucky woman, Sugar Lips.
GARY (heads towards the door)That was fun. Made my night. Hey, you keep the pizza. On me. Still want me to send Old Gary back?
MARTHAUm, no. That’s okay. You know, this is too big for one person.
GARYThanks, but I really do need to get back. Manager thinks I’m slow enough as it is.
MARTHAI could warm it up for lunch tomorrow. One o’clock?
GARYI’ll bring the diet soda.
(He exits. Martha picks up the phone and dials.)
MARTHAYahn’s Chinese Restaurant? I’d like to order some Moo Goo Gai Pan. And please have Yahn Junior deliver it. Tell him it’s for Martha Dandridge. And hurry.
(She hangs up and looks around the room. She looks at the pizza box and sprays it with Febreeze. Blackout.)