Written by Joe Janes
144 of 365
Kenny Spicerman, 30s
(Lights up on Kenny wearing an earpiece-microphone sitting on a bar stool. He has index cards he’s flipping through. Behind him, is an easel with posters on it. The first poster, obviously handmade, says “Kenny Spicerman Tells You How To Rule Your World!” In front of him are several empty chairs. Joan sticks her head in the door and looks around. Kenny makes eye contact with her and she quickly ducks out.)
KENNYHey! Hey! Are you here for the seminar?
JOAN (sheepishly re-entering)Am I in the right place?
KENNYI’m Kenny Spicerman and I say, “you are always in the right place.” Have a seat, have a seat.
(She sits in the back row near the door.)
KENNYYou can sit closer, I won’t bite.
KENNYOkay. I think we’re just going to wait a few minutes, in case some people got lost. You’ve got all these breakout sessions going on all over in this convention hall, you don’t know where you’ll end up. It’s crazy.
JOANThe guy across the hall is full. There’s people standing in the back and in the doorway.
KENNYOh, yeah? Must be giving something away.
JOANI don’t know. I couldn’t get in. I wanted to. It’s Matt Tarbock. He wrote that book “A Life More Extraordinary – Woo-Hoo!”.
KENNYNever heard of it.
JOANHe was on “Oprah.’
KENNYOh, well. There you go. He was on “Oprah.” He could be handing out plastic baggies filled with dog poop and people would be, “Ooh, he was on ‘Oprah’.”
JOANWhat’s your seminar about?
KENNYI am glad you asked…
KENNYJoan! (sing-songy) Joan-on-the-phone. Got it. My seminar’s called “Kenny Spicerman Tells You How To Rule Your World.”
JOANAre you Kenny Spicerman?
JOANDo you have a book?
KENNYYes, I do. Soon. It’s not out yet. I’m still working things out with the printer. Publisher. I do have a blog.
(Bret shuffles in and looks around.)
KENNY (continuing)Hi, are you here for the seminar?
BRETYou giving any stuff away?
KENNYI am, indeed. Your name is…?
KENNYBret. (sing-songy) Bret-needs-a-vet.
KENNYWhat kind of giveaway were you looking for Bret?
BRETI don’t know. T-shirt. Mug. Button.
KENNYWhat I’m giving away is more powerful and more valuable than any old t-shirt or mug or button.
BRETThose squeezey stress balls are pretty cool.
KENNYBret! I’m going to tell you how you can rule your world. How does that sound?
BRETSo, you don’t have anything.
KENNYHere. Here! (He digs in his pockets) I have 38 cents and a stick of gum. Okay?
JOANI didn’t get anything.
KENNYHere, Joan. For you, I have…. A pen!
BRETOh, yeah. Pens are cool, too.
KENNYI only have one.
JOANThe cap’s been chewed.
KENNYPart of the design. It’s rustic. Now, would anyone like to maybe hear the seminar?
KENNY (continuing)Great. Great. Welcome. This seminar is called “Kenny Spicerman Tells You How To Rule Your World!”
BRETWho’s Kenny Spicerman?
BRETOh. Go on.
KENNYThanks, Bret, for letting me continue. Now, have either of you ever felt there’s a party going on in this world and you weren’t invited?
BRETYeah. I do. All the time.
JOANMe, too. Even when I’m at a party I was invited to. I feel like I’m crashing it.
BRETMe, too! I feel so out of place.
KENNYThen this seminar is for you. Now, is anyone in this room not a human being? Anyone? Raise your hand if you are not a human being.
(Joan slowly raises her hand.)
KENNY (continuing)Joan. You’re not a human being?
JOANNo. I am. I just thought you wanted someone to raise their hand.
KENNYThank you, but no. So, to be clear, we are all human beings. You know what else we are? We are all human businessings.
(He reveals his next poster, which simply says, written in marker, “We Are All Human Businessings”.)
BRETI’m a human businessing?
KENNYYou, Bret, are the CEO of Bret, Inc.
KENNYYes. And you, Joan, are the CEO of JoanCo.
JOANI get it. I’m in charge of me. I run my own Joan.
KENNYThat’s right. And who are your employees?
BRETMy hands. My hands are my employees.
KENNYSure. Sure they are.
JOANMy positive attitude. Right? Please tell me I’m right.
KENNYYou bet you’re right. You’re the boss of that positive attitude. You’re the main man who tells those hands where to go and what to do.
BRETOh, my God! This is great, Kenny Spicerman! Do you have a book?
KENNYI do, but not with me. I have these order forms you can fill out (He hands them to Joan and Bret). Just give me your address and a check for $25 and I’ll send you the book. I’ll even sign it.
BRETCan I use your pen?
JOANBetter tell your hands to find their own pen, Mister.
KENNYThat was my last pen.
ANNOUNCER (VO)Attention, ladies and gentlemen. The New You University Conference sponsored by Starbucks, Whole Foods and Michelin Tires will be meeting in the main room to raffle off a free two-week cruise to the Bahamas. Blackout dates apply. Many blackout dates apply. The two weeks may not be consecutive. The raffle will be in five minutes and you must be present to win.
KENNYBut, we didn’t finish-
BRETI rule my world thanks to you, Kenny Spicerman. Feet, get your ass to the main room. Now!
KENNYYou didn’t fill out-
JOANPositive attitude, start working that mojo to get that cruise.
(She exits. Kenny sits on his stool. Matt Tarbock enters. He wears a leather sports coat and matching leather pants.)
MATTHey, Kenny. Knock their socks off?
KENNYYeah. Yeah, Matt. Hey, I saw you on “Oprah”. That was awesome.
MATTAre you heading to the main room?
KENNYYeah, let me make sure I have my raffle ticket. (Pats his jacket). Crap. I must have left my wallet at home.
MATTI’ll buy you a ticket. Get you a coke, too.
KENNYTo quote the master, “Woo-hoo!” Thanks, Matt.
MATTYour blog, by the way, has been a real inspiration to me. You should make it a book.
KENNYThanks. I did make it a book. Sort of.
(They walk off. Lights fade.)