Written by Joe Janes
156 of 365
Mrs. Brown, 60s
(Lights up on a sad Neil walking home at night passing Mrs. Brown, a sweet old lady, who is sitting in a rocking chair on her porch.)
MRS. BROWNEvening, Neil.
NEILEvening, Mrs. Brown.
MRS. BROWNHow was your date?
MRS. BROWNYes, that pretty redheaded girl I saw you walking with earlier. Sure looked like a date to me. You had the biggest smile on your face.
NEILYeah. I guess it was all right.
MRS. BROWNNow, Neil. You come here and tell me what’s troubling you.
NEILI’m really embarrassed, Mrs. Brown.
MRS. BROWNYou know you can tell me anything, child.
NEILI don’t think Mindy’s ever going to go out with me ever again.
MRS. BROWNWhy would you say such a thing? You’re handsome and you’re a gentleman.
MRS. BROWNBut what?
NEILArgh! Everything was going great, but for at the restaurant I ordered a plate of steamed broccoli and a bottomless cup of coffee for my dinner.
MRS. BROWNInteresting choice.
NEILI wanted to impress her by showing her I was healthy and alert. But I had no idea how it was going to affect me. We were strolling by the park when all of a sudden, it was like, oh, this is so embarrassing, Mrs. Brown.
MRS. BROWNI think I know what you’re going to say, Neil. You had to poop.
NEILThat’s right. I had to poop. Bad. Real bad. Really real bad. It was like a swat team was trying to kick out the back door of my trousers.
MRS. WOCLOTTWhat did you do?
NEILI held it as long as I could, but then it started to affect the way I walked. I suggested we go to the closest possible gas station and get a frozen treat for dessert.
MRS. WOCLOTTGood thinking.
NEILAnd while we were in there, I made a feeble excuse; I said, “Um, I have to go check on something…” I ran into the bathroom and quickly unleashed all that is unholy. The door was one of those thin wooden doors that didn’t go all the way to the floor and I was making noise. A lot of noise. Like swinging a bat at a duffle bag full of ducks. The room vibrated. I heard a few cans of motor oil fall off a shelf, too. When I came out, Mindy was gone.
MRS. BROWNNow, now, Neil.
NEILAnd I don’t blame her. What I did was inhuman.
MRS. BROWNOn the contrary, Neil What you did was perfectly natural. Everyone and everything that eats also poops.
MRS. BROWNOh, sure. You’ve seen animals poop, haven’t you?
NEILI watch my cat poop all the time.
MRS. BROWNYou probably don’t need to do that.
NEILHe gets this look on his face. He seems to take it very seriously.
MRS. BROWNAll human beings poop, too. Not just you. Did you know astronauts poop?
NEILEven in space?
MRS. BROWNEven in space. The president poops. So does Chuck Norris. And all those pretty semi-nude lingerie models in the magazines you keep in your nightstand-
NEILHey, how did you know-
MRS. BROWNOh, the whole town knows about that. And what you do with them, that’s natural, too. In moderation. But I digress; my point is that those pretty girls also poop. Think about that the next time you’re looking at them.
NEILYeah. I probably will.
MRS. BROWNI hope our talk has made you feel better.
NEILI guess so. But what I did just seemed so violent. And Mindy did run away.
(Mindy enters walking on the sidewalk.)
MINDYThere you are. Where did you run off to?
NEILMe? I came out of the bathroom and couldn’t find you. I assumed I frightened you away.
MINDYNo, silly. I had sauerkraut, sausage and a big glass of milk for dinner. Where do you think I was?
NEILOn, my goodness. Were you in the ladies room?
MINDYYou bet I was. And for quite some time.
MRS. BROWNGirls take longer to poop.
MINDYWe sure do.
MRS. BROWNSay, do you kids want to come inside for some chocolate pie?
NEILA wedge of Mrs. Brown’s Famous Chocolate Pie sounds great, but it’s getting late and I have to work in the morning.
MINDYWhat’s the matter, Neil?
MRS. BROWNAre you pooped?
NEILNot any more!
(They all laugh heartily. Neil and Mindy get sudden, very concerned looks on their faces. They stand awkwardly in silence for a moment.)
NEILI need to go check on something.
(He runs inside.)
MRS. BROWNThere’s another bathroom upstairs, Mindy.
(They follow. Blackout.)