Written by Joe Janes
173 of 365
(Lights up on Debra sweeping the floor of a coffee shop late at night. She wears a green apron and matching cap. Scott, the manager, crosses the stage carrying cash register rolls. Debra pauses and smiles at him.)
DEBRALong day, eh, Scott?
(Scott says nothing and does not even make eye contact with her as he passes. Debra goes back to sweeping.)
DEBRA (to the audience)I’ve thought about it. I could be a great super hero. I’m invisible.
(Scott pokes his head out from the back of the store.)
SCOTTDebra. Hurry up. I want to close up.
DEBRAUnfortunately, it’s selective invisibility. I can be seen when people need something from me. (Her cell phone rings.) Hi, Mom… I’m not psychic. It’s a cell phone. I can tell when you’re calling. …Toilet paper and milk… Can’t it wait till morning? …Yes, I can swing by the store. …And coffee? Mom, I get free coffee from here. …You’ve never tried it. … Fine. Toilet paper, milk and Maxwell House. That’s going to mean another forty-five minutes before I get home… Just tired is all. And I wanted to watch some television before I crashed… You’re right. You’re right. Milk and toilet paper are more important… Don’t wait up. (She hangs up) Please don’t wait up.
(She resumes sweeping. Scott pokes his head out.)
SCOTTJesus, Debra. You’re not done, yet.
DEBRAAlmost, Scott. Sorry. My mom called and I got distracted.
SCOTTTell your mom that if she’s going to keep bugging you at work, she can come down here and fight the ninjas.
DEBRADo the what, now?
SCOTTFight the ninjas? Hello?
(Just then five ninjas emerge from the shadows and circle Debra. She quickly dispatches most of them using her broom and a series of kickass kung fu moves. One remaining ninja grabs Scott and threatens to kill him with his sword. Debra drops her broom in compliance. She then seductively removes her hat, shaking her hair loose. She then removes her apron. The ninja and Scott are both very interested in this sexier version of Debra. Debra throws the apron at the ninja who drops his sword trying to defend himself against her apron. She quickly dispatches him, snapping his neck.)
SCOTTGood job, Debra. Nicely done.
SCOTTNow, hurry up and finish cleaning so we can close up. After you dispose of the bodies, you’ll have to mop. Dead ninjas on the floor are a health code violation. (Debra looks at her watch) the longer you take; the longer we’ll be here. C’mon. Tick-tock. (He exits. Debra starts to drag one of the ninjas off stage.)
DEBRAThe hourly wage sucks, but I get a free pound of coffee a week and health benefits.