Written by Joe Janes
7/16/09
179 of 365
(Based on a premise by Val d'Orito and title suggested by Blair Bogin)
CAST:
Valerie, 20s
William, 20s
Homeless Guy, 50s
(Lights up on Valerie sitting on a park bench nibbling at a sandwich, but clearly having something weighing on her mind. Off behind her is a homeless guy rummaging through a garbage can. William enters, carrying his brown bag lunch. He kisses Valerie on the cheek and sits down.)
WILLIAM
Sorry, I’m late. The Monday morning staff meeting went longer than it was supposed to, or needed to. (Valerie doesn’t respond.) How are things going at the brokerage firm?VALERIE
Oh, you know…WILLIAM
What’s wrong, Valerie?VALERIE
Blair didn’t come in to work today.WILLIAM
Oh. Everything all right?VALERIE
She got ruffied over the weekend.WILLIAM
That’s horrible. Did she know the guy?VALERIE
I didn’t get the details. William, do you know anyone who’s been ruffied?WILLIAM
Not really. In college, I heard about-VALERIE
Six of my friends have been ruffied. And now Blair makes seven.WILLIAM
It’s a fucked up world. VALERIE
What’s wrong with me?WILLIAM
Nothing. You’re perfect.VALERIE
You’re just saying that because you love me.WILLIAM
Sorry.VALERIE
Am I not pretty enough? I know I’m conventionally pretty.WILLIAM
Valerie… VALERIE
Maybe it’s not all about looks, though. Maybe I’m too easy. If a guy thinks he can get somewhere with you, he’s not going to waste a ruffie on you.WILLIAM
I’m sure Blair would be happy to trade places with you.VALERIE
Fine with me, but the guy who ruffied her would obviously be disappointed.WILLIAM
I’m sorry you’re not more attractive to douche bags.VALERIE
You don’t know what it’s like. WILLIAM
You’re right; I don’t know what it’s like to want to be molested.VALERIE
William, I don’t want to be molested. It’s just that, I’ve never been molested. No creepy relative, no over attentive teacher or clergy. No sloppy, pathetic gropes from a nightclub drunk. Not even a closet lesbian college roommate. Jesus Christ, it can mess with a girl. I’ve never even been rubbed up against on a crowded train.WILLIAM
Really? Sheesh, even I’ve had that happen.VALERIE
Man or woman?WILLIAM
Both. Same train ride.VALERIE
I feel like a virgin that should be tossed into a volcano.WILLIAM
Would you like me to rub up against you?VALERIE
You don’t count. WILLIAM
Thanks.VALERIE
I want someone to find me so viscerally physically hot they can’t stand it. They just have to touch me. You know me too well. You like me for lots of different reasons. I want to know that I’m so smoking hot it makes someone go into heat and do stupid things, like whip it out on the bus and risk getting kicked off or arrested.WILLIAM
You really want something like that?VALERIE
At least once. It’s kind of a compliment.(William sets his lunch down on the bench and Valerie continues to stare out. He whispers to the homeless guy who nods his head. The homeless guy walks up behind Valerie and sets his junk on her shoulder.)
VALERIE (continuing)
That is so sweet.(William tries to give the man some money, but he waves him off.)
HOMELESS GUY
It’s on me. VALERIE (noticing it’s not William and jumping up)
Ew!(Blackout)
8 comments:
WTF, teach??!! i demand more credit. at least include my last name for the googles.
ALSO this strangely mirrors a song i wrote called "street matress honeymoon"... Homeless dude picks up an emotionally damaged coed. I'll sing it for you tomorrow if there's time.
I like the use of the homeless man. Also, I think its spelled "roofie". NOT THAT I WOULD KNOW!
The MS Word spell wasn't very helpful on the spelling.
Val - I will definitely add your last name when I get home. I almost wrote this as a song, but bailed with the time constraint.
I like this idea, but it rings a little false to me. No stakes.
It's kind of like an improv scene where the characters are talking about what has happened in the past or what they want in the future, but there's nothing going on at the moment.
Would it be better served if this happened at a party, and Valerie walked in to a room with a couple guys and a roofied Blair? Then, instead of worrying about Blair, she's pissed because they didn't roofie her? Or perhaps she has roofied herself when William comes home, and she wants him to take advantage of her?
That somehow sounds incredibly innapropriate, but we are talking about a girl that wants to be roofied here . . .
I do like the homeless guy joke, though. I suppose you would lose that.
Okay, interesting story here and a lesson about just using a bit of a conversation you happen to witness. I've been teaching a writing class all week at Second City. One of the exercises I do is to have everyone write the name of a song title on a scrap of paper, throw it in a hat, then randomly pick one out. I usually participate, if only to get a title for a scene for 365 ("Queen of Bees" comes to mind). Somehow, the subject of ruffies came up and Val lamented about never being ruffied. Blair, decided to make up a song title instead of using a real one and wrote "I've never been ruffied" as her title. I drew that title. Thought the idea of a woman bummed out about never being ruffied had scene potential and went ahead and built a scene around it, crediting Val and Blair as the source of inspiration.
Turns out, Val wasn't just expressing a feeling. She was working on material for her stand-up routine.
I feel like such an asshole. I wasn't 100% sure I was going to write the scene, but had some ideas about it and should have checked with Val first rather than just assume she'd get a kick out of me writing a scene based on something she said.
We're cool. I apologized profusely. She's fine. We're fine. I reworded how she's credited and invited her to use anything from the scene in her stand-up.
Moral of the story - if someone says something really funny and you want to use it in a scene, ask. Duh.
- Joe
I wasn't there for the conversation (assume it was in class), but it sounds like it was fair game. Considering you drew the title "Never Been Ruffied," I'm not sure what else you could have written. Of course, it never hurts to ask. And when it doubt I usually put some sort of credit on the title page (I believe I wrote a couple scenes that were inspired by blog entries posted here, Joe.)
When somebody says something really funny, and it strikes me in the moment as a great idea or line for a scene, I usually say "Are you going to use that? Because if not, it's mine. I'm taking it." And if they don't object, then at that point I say whoever gets it on the page first.
I also think there's not a lot of harm in borrowing a premise. No doubt Val would write some completely different jokes based onm the premise, "Never been ruffied."
That might even be a fun exercise. Give everyone the exact same title, but nothing else. Don't discuss it at all around each other. And see how many different ways you can go with it.
And it should be spelled "roofied."
Ha. Yeah, we're all good. Plus I'd totally forgotten that you ACTUALLY PICKED Blair's "oops, it was supposed to be real song?" title. I thought it was discarded. Word. All the best, yo!
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