“A Little Psycho”
Written by Joe Janes
187 of 365
(Lights up on Miranda and Frank on a sofa kissing passionately. Miranda stops the action.)
MIRANDAOkay. Okay. Wait. (She stakes a breath) Okay.
(They start kissing, again. Miranda breaks it off once more.)
MIRANDA (continuing)Okay, okay. (Takes a deep breath.) Frank.
MIRANDAYou can spend the night tonight, if you want to.
FRANKOkay, I want to.
MIRANDAOne other question-
FRANKI have two in my wallet.
FRANKI’m very optimistic.
MIRANDAOkay. (They start kissing. She breaks away again.) Wait. That wasn’t the question I was asking. Good to know, but not what I was asking. We’ve only been dating a few weeks. I don’t know you very well.
FRANKOkay. What do you want to know? I’m an open book. You can ask me anything.
MIRANDAAre you a psycho?
FRANKAm I a psycho?
MIRANDAI really need to know before I get too hopeful about us. My last boyfriend was a psycho but I didn’t find out until after a year in. Then I spent another year trying to make it work with a psycho. So, are you a psycho?
FRANKA little. I’ve Googled your name several times.
MIRANDAThat’s not so bad. I Googled-
FRANKI even Googled your name and my name together to see if you were writing about us somewhere.
MIRANDADid you find anything?
FRANKJust my own blog.
MIRANDAYou have a blog?
FRANKI also searched your name on several porn sites to see if you had any amateur adult videos out there.
MIRANDAYou did not find anything.
FRANKSadly, no. I even tried possible porn names – Randy Miranda, Miranda Mountaintops, Miranda Munch. You’re clean.
MIRANDAWell, I guess that’s a little psycho-
FRANKAnd then I Googled all your Facebook friends.
MIRANDAThat seems excessive.
FRANKThey seem like okay people. Your brother’s a Nazi, though.
MIRANDAWhite Supremist doesn’t necessarily mean Nazi, Frank.
FRANKBut that’s the only thing I found that I thought was suspicious. You don’t appear to be dating anyone else.
MIRANDAI told you I wasn’t.
FRANKHello – psycho.
MIRANDARight. That’s a shame. I really wanted you to stay over.
FRANKWell, in my defense. That’s about the extent of my psychotic behavior. I’m not violent. I don’t break things. I won’t damage your clothes. I really do care about you.
MIRANDAWell. I’d hate it if both your condoms went to waste.
FRANKThat’s more like it. And I’ll leave early so you have plenty of time to meet your mother for brunch.
MIRANDAHow did you know I was meeting my mother for brunch?
FRANKI read your e-mail. Too much?