Saturday, September 12, 2009

Week 34, Day 237 - “Gary's Got A Problem”

“Gary’s Got A Problem”

Written by Joe Janes

9/12/09

237 of 365

CAST

Gary, 40s

Kelly, 40s

(Lights up on Gary and Kelly in Kelly’s living room. Kelly sits looking sad, Gary has his back turned and is looking out the window.)

GARY

I hope you understand, Kelly. I’m really not very good at this part. I never know what to say and I always feel like I’m being such a, whatever. But I have to be honest with my feelings. I think you’re great. I like everything about you. But I think it would be a good idea for us to move on and date other people. I hope you understand. (He turns and faces her.) I just don’t feel the same way about you as you do me.

GARY

Yes. I’ve thought about it long and hard.

KELLY

I can tell.

GARY

It’s what I think is best for us. It’s what I want to do.

KELLY

Um, Gary.

GARY

Yes?

KELLY

Then why do you have a boner?

GARY

Oh, geesh!

(He quickly sits and puts his jacket over his lap.)

GARY (continuing)

What the hell, Kelly? When were you going to tell me?

KELLY

I just noticed. And don’t snap at me. You’re the one sporting wood while breaking up with me.

GARY

This is so embarrassing.

KELLY

Are you sure you want to break up with me?

GARY

You know what I mean.

KELLY

Sure, sure. It happens. I’m more into you than you are into me. It sucks, but it happens.

GARY

Exactly.

KELLY

Except, I’m not the one with the boner.

GARY

I don’t know why it’s doing that.

KELLY

Maybe you don’t really know how you feel.

GARY

I’m sure. I’m sure. I’m pretty sure.

KELLY

Your body seems…conflicted.

GARY

My penis apparently missed the meeting I was having with my brain about this.

KELLY

Did you take some Viagra?

GARY

You know I don’t do that. Or need to.

KELLY

Well, if you’re still breaking up with me, then, I guess you should go.

GARY

Do you mind if I sit for a moment?

KELLY

I’m going to bed. If we were still a couple and you wanted to do something about your situation, I’d stay up.

GARY

Could we reschedule our break-up for tomorrow?

KELLY

I work tomorrow.

GARY

I could break-up with you before you leave.

KELLY

Sleep with me and then break up with me. Tacky.

GARY

You’re right. Well, um…(looks under jacket) Wish I didn’t have to take the train home.

KELLY

I could call you a cab.

GARY

I still have to get from here to the cab in the street. (Looks at watch) I should have broken up with you later. (Takes a few deep breaths.)

KELLY

What are you doing?

GARY

Trying to relax.

KELLY

Is it working?

GARY

I think I made it worse. I shouldn’t wear boxers. That’s what it is. This always happens when I wear boxers. Too loose and rubby.

KELLY

Gary. (She gets up.) I’m going to bed. I’m sorry things didn’t work out. Let yourself out when you’re ready. I hope you and your penis have a nice life together.

(She exits.)

GARY

I’m not dating my penis!

(Lights fade.)

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