Written by Joe Janes
9/18/09
243 of 365
CAST
Stagnacius, 30s
Dominico, 30s
Portia, 30s
(Circa 96 AD. Lights up on Stagnacius, a roman emperor, sitting on his thrown. He wears a toga and is way out of shape. He looks deathly bored. He sighs. He looks puzzled as he shifts in his seat. He reaches under him and produces half a cookie. Delighted, he eats it ravenously. Once consumed, he returns to his state of boredom and sighs, again. Dominico enters and falls to one knee.)
DOMINICO
Emperor Stagnacius. You summoned me.
STAGNACIUS
I did, Dominico.
DOMINICO (rising)
How may I serve your excellence this day?
STAGNACIUS
I’m bored.
DOMINICO
I can arrange to have someone tortured and killed for your amusement. We’re all out of Christians. Perhaps one of the slaves. Or an actor. Or, oh, I’m good…an actor dressed like a Christian. Praying for mercy while being torn apart by a lion. Good times.
STAGNACIUS
I appreciate the effort, Dominico. I need entertainment more of the feminine variety. I think maybe it’s time for me to take a wife.
DOMINICO
Ah, well, there are many eligible, nubile young maidens that I could round up for your inspection.
STAGNACIUS
No, no, you misunderstand me. I said, “Take a wife.”
DOMINICO
I see, as in, one who is already betrothed. Is there someone the emperor already has his eyes upon?
STAGNACIUS
Oh, I don’t know. There’s that woman who I always see from my balcony. She wears a green sash around her waist. It matches her eyes.
DOMINICO
You can tell that from the balcony?
STAGNACIUS
The gods have blessed me with their superior vision.
DOMINICO
Woman with a green sash.
STAGNACIUS
Yes. I see her around this time every day bringing a small basket of food to one of my officers.
DOMINICO
Her name is Portia.
STAGNACIUS
Oh, you are acquainted?
DOMINICO
She is my wife.
STAGNACIUS
Ah. Give her to me.
DOMINICO
What kind of husband would I be to simply give my wife to another man?
STAGNACIUS
One that is not dressed up like a Christian being torn apart by lions for my amusement.
DOMINICO
I see.
STAGNACIUS
Dominico, I am not a man without rationale. I am the emperor. I have no time to court a woman. It would take me away from my very important duties.
DOMINICO
Sitting is very important.
STAGNACIUS
Not everyone can do it and still look like a god. It takes so much energy.
DOMINICO
Still, I can’t help but think an emperor might be better served by marrying, say, a virgin.
STAGNACIUS
Virgins. I’ve had virgins. The idea is good on parchment, not so good in the sack. I need a woman who has proven herself. One with experience but is not a professional. One who has proven her ability to be a good wife.
DOMINICO
Oh, well, there you have it. Portia is not a good wife.
STAGNACIUS
But I see her every day bringing you a meal she cooked herself. And she greets you with such warmth. And you have children, so it’s clear she knows how to do it and is willing to.
DOMINICO
She means well in her appearance, but she is a lousy cook. I always end up tossing the contents of the basket into the slave pit whereupon they shun it as if it were horse dung.
STAGNACIUS
No!
DOMINICO
Tis truth.
STAGNACIUS
Slaves won’t even eat her cooking? Well, good thing I have a cook. And I will have my cook make extra so you no longer starve for your supper.
DOMINICO
You are a very good and generous, emperor.
STAGNACIUS
Go fetch Portia for me, then. We shall wed immediately.
DOMINICO
Right away. (He turns to leave.) There’s something else you should know about Portia.
STAGNACIUS
What?
DOMINICO
While it is fact she has done the naked wrestle with me and our efforts have produced two strong young boys she, well… I should allow you to find out for yourself.
STAGNACIUS
No, no. What is it? Tell me everything?
DOMINICO
Portia has a bad back. She only does it one way and can only do it one way. Standing up.
STAGNACIUS
Standing up? I can barely stand up for more than ten minutes at a time without growing short of breath. To stand and also pump the aqua duct would be too much for me to bear.
DOMINICO
Not to mention the height difference. Portia is taller than you. You’ll need to stand on a stool.
STAGNACIUS
Humiliating. That simply will not do. Call it off, call it off, call it off. (Short of breath, he sits down.)
DOMINICO
I’m sorry that things won’t work out between you and my wife, emperor.
STAGNACIUS
Oh, wait. I’m a fool. Have the surgeon amputate her just below the knees. Solved! I am brilliant.
DOMINICO
Uh, sure. I’ll bring the doctor over to my home.
STAGNACIUS
Hold. Let me think about this. Your wife is how tall? (Dominico holds up his hand to about half a foot higher than the emperor is tall.) And if she is cut off just below the knees, where does that leave her? (Dominico thinks about this and moves his hand down a foot. Stagnacius takes Dominico’s hand and moves it down to just above his groin.) Have the doctor amputate to just above her thighs. Perfect!
DOMINICO
The emperor’s brain is most spectacular. No mortal would have thought to do that. I shall go fetch my Portia. She’ll be elated to hear the news.
(Portia enters with a basket of food. Protruding from it is a long loaf of bread.)
PORTIA
Darling, there you are.
DOMINICO
Dear Portia. You must not barge unannounced into the emperor’s throne room like this.
STAGNACIUS
Nonsense. This is clearly a sign from the gods. My dearest Portia. (He kisses her hand.)
PORTIA (curtseying)
Emperor Stagnacius.
DOMINICO
My love, the emperor is taken with you.
STAGNACIUS
I am, indeed.
PORTIA
That’s so delightful to hear.
DOMINICO
So taken, that he would like to take you.
PORTIA
Take me where?
STAGNACIUS
To be my bride.
(Stagnacius takes Portia’s basket and hands it to Dominico as he continues to slowly paw at Portia.)
PORTIA
But I am already married to a husband I love greatly. And we have two children. Two wonderful boys, Marshal and Sammy.
STAGNACIUS
And with me, you shall have even more children. Just as soon as the surgeon rids you of those towering legs of yours.
PORTIA
I beg your pardon?
STAGNACIUS
So we can do it standing up, like you like.
PORTIA
I much prefer the horizontal methods to the vertical.
STAGNACIUS
But your bad back?
PORTIA
My back is strong and sturdy.
STAGNACIUS (to Dominico)
You lied to me.
DOMINICO
I did. Except for about one thing.
(Dominico takes the loaf of bread and stabs Stagnacius with it.)
DOMINICO (continuing)
She is a lousy cook.
(Stagnacius falls to the floor dead.)
PORTIA
Darling.
(Dominico and Portia hug. Blackout.)
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