Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Week 37, Day 254 - "The Last Unicorn"

“The Last Unicorn”

Written by Joe Janes

9/29/09

254 of 365

CAST

Caitlin, 6

Barbara, 30s

Beau, 30s

Unicorn

(Lights up on the Beagle family singing happy birthday to six-year-old Caitlin Beagle. Caitlin makes a wish and blows out the candles on her cake. Everyone cheers. Beau hands her a present.)

BEAU

I bet I know what my little princess wished for.

CAITLIN

Is it in there?

BEAU

Better open it and find out.

(She opens it and pulls out a small stuffed unicorn. She looks disappointed.)

BARBARA

What’s the matter, Caitlin? I thought you wanted a unicorn.

CAITLIN

I wanted a real unicorn.

BARBARA

Honey, unicorns aren’t real.

CAITLIN

Daddy said they were.

BARABRA

Beau.

BEAU

I told her I’d look into it. And I did, princess. Daddy looked into getting you a real unicorn.

BARBARA (through her teeth)

After all the bullshit we went through with the Tooth Fairy, how could you do this? (To Caitlin) Honey, you remember the conversation we had about the tooth fairy?

CAITLIN

Yes, Mommy.

BARBARA

And about Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and grandpa’s good friend Jack Daniels.

CAITLIN

None of them are real, but Daddy said he’d get me a unicorn. A for real one.

BARBARA

Daddy sometimes says things he doesn’t mean because he loves you so much.

BEAU

Barbara…I found one. I did. A guy at work knew a guy who knew a guy who put a used one up on Craig’s List.

CAITLIN

You got me one, Daddy?

BEAU

Yes, sweetheart. But, I’m going to take it back. It’s real sick or something.

BARBARA

Beau, we need to tell her the truth. Like we said we would do.

BEAU

It’s the truth, Barbara. I swear. This thing’s real, but, man, there’s something wrong.

CAITLIN

I want to see my unicorn.

BEAU

I’ll go get it. It’s in the garage. But, Caitlin, sweetie, really, don’t get attached. We’re going to take it back.

(He exits.)

BARBARA

I don’t know what daddy’s pulling here, Caitlin.

CAITLIN

He said he would get me a unicorn and he did. I love my daddy. Don’t you love Daddy, Mommy?

BARBARA

Sometimes. (She catches herself) And by that I mean all the time, yeah!

(Beau re-enters holding a reign.)

BEAU

Okay, Caitlin. Now, don’t get too close. Like I said, there’s something wrong with it. It’s sick or something.

(Beau walks the unicorn in. It is the most un-unicorn looking man in a white wig, dirty white leotard and tights with a horn and tail. It is a unicorn, but, man, it is not pretty.)

CAITLIN

Yeah!

BARBARA

What the hell?

BEAU

Don’t get too close, Caitlin.

(The unicorn looks around. It looks like a strung out drug addict.)

CAITLIN

I’m going to give it a great big hug!

(Caitlin runs up to him and hugs him. The unicorn coughs.)

BEAU

Okay, okay, but be careful. Don’t squeeze too hard. Stuff comes out of it.

BARBARA

Like what? Oh, dear God. (While Caitlin is enjoying her hug, Barbara and Beau catch wind of some noxious unicorn gas.)

BEAU

You see. He’s sick. It’s a bad, smelly, goopy unicorn.

BARBARA

You should take him to the vet’s.

BEAU

I did. He told me there’s nothing he can do. It’s one old, sick dying unicorn. But it’s the only one I could find. The guy I bought it from said he was taking good care of it. Feeding it oats and hay.

CAITLIN

That’s silly. Unicorns don’t eat oats and hay.

BEAU

What do unicorns eat, Caitlin?

CAITLIN

Marshmallows and rainbows.

(The unicorn perks up when he hears this.)

CAITLIN

See. He likes it. I’m going to call him Abraham Lincoln.

BEAU

I’ll go get some marshmallows.

(He exits. Caitlin continues to hug the sickly unicorn who spits up on the carpet.)

BARBARA

Honey, make sure you wash your hands. (The unicorn starts licking Caitlin’s head.) And your skull.

(Beau rushes back in and puts a bag of marshmallows up to the unicorn who starts to enthusiastically eat them like oats from a feedbag.)

CAITLIN

You see, you see. He’s all better. Can we keep him? Can we keep him?

BARBARA

I guess. But he’ll have to stay in the garage. (To Beau) She does seem happy.

BEAU

Yeah. For now. The vet told me something else. He has unicorn aids.

CAITLIN (hugging the unicorn)

I love you, Abraham Lincoln!

BARBARA

We’ll put him down tomorrow.

BEAU

And tell Caitlin he went to stay on a big farm?

(They do a small fist bump while watching Caitlin enjoys her unicorn. The unicorn coughs up a little blood. Lights fade.)

8 comments:

Aly said...

Unicorn AIDS, now that's really something! While I like this sketch a lot, nice family dialogue, I am not sure I am down with the AIDs part, only b/c AIDS isn't as funny as it used to be, not like it ever was, but... So, I'm thinking if her daddy picked up the unicorn on Craigslist, it makes me think about all those cats that need homes that are on Craigslist. Back at my corporate job I'd check out the cats on Craigslist all day, and noticed a trend. Many had what's called Feline Leukemia.. what if too many cats had sex with unicorns, and this Craigslist unicorn had a strain of feline leukemia vs. AIDS? Instead of the cliched "farm in the sky," it could be back to the cat shelter maybe. Also, since unicorns don't really exist, maybe you could do a play on Craigslist, and change it to CraigsLust which doesn't really exist, but can be like a Craigslist but for fantasy creatures you can f*ck, or Craig's new site to fend off all the prostitution lawsuits. Just some ideas... today I am not "Anon" b/c I am logged into my account. See you Saturday. Cats will be in my final sketch, but maybe now I'll add a unicorn!

Joe Janes said...

I was going off of cat diseases when I came up with AIDS. At least, I thought I was. I think there's a strain of AIDS that only cats get. I'm not entirely comfortable with it myself and might just change it to Unicorn Leukemia.

Chris Othic said...

I don't really like the Unicorn "Fill in the Disease" ending as much as I wanted to see the unicorn get well. I thought that's where it was going, that they had been feeding it the wrong food and that's why it was sick.

Having said that, the ending is probably the only part of the sketch that doesn't really work for me. I think you can blow up the final page and find something totally different in a rewrite.

Anonymous said...

Unicorn Leukemia sits well with me for some reason, and the unicorn could be bleeding out of its horn, too, which you could do on stage with those blood capsule pills, or you could even heighten the drama and make it like in the tradition of a spoof on that movie Ice Castles or seven weeks to live, but it's this tragic thing with a unicorn rescued from a Michigan City, Indiana unicorn farm off CraigsLust (like a puppy mill), and then it turns out the unicorn has Unicorn Leukemia, and what kind of stress does this put the family under? Again, just ideas, it's your sketch, and you have another one to write later, so just playing around because I do not feel like doing anything on my day off today but harass people virtually like this. ( oh- it's Alisa, I am not logged into account, so anon. )

Ed Rutherford (currently directing The Last Unicorn) said...

This made me feel very special. Thanks Joe.

Joe Janes said...

That's hysterical, Ed, because this scene was totally inspired by a postcard promoting your show. I hope it doesn't contain any spoilers! Enjoyed "Measure for Measure", by the way.

Ed R. said...

Thanks. It's okay, everyone who knows the source material is already very familiar with the havoc wreaked by unicorn AIDS, cheerfully glittering sarcomas and all.

(...and Ed is officially going to hell.)

Ed R said...

...and here's a preview of the show, if you're curious.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FxMsp5N11Lk