Week 38, Day 262 - "Spuhllujah"

“Spuhllujah”

Written by Joe Janes

10/7/09

262 of 365

CAST

Rachel, 20s

Mitch, 20s

Dahlmer, 20s

Sgt. O’Neill, 30s

(Lights up on Rachel, O’Neill and Mitch pinned down against the base of dirt hill in the desert. They are surrounded by gunfire and sporadically return fire. Rachel is trying to reach command on a GPS phone.)

RACHEL

Command…Come in command…Command…

O’NEILL

No luck, Rachel?

RACHEL

None, Sir. Just shit, Sir.

O’NEILL

Give it a rest and help us return fire.

MITCH

Here comes, Dahlmer!

O’NEILL

Cover him!

(They all shoot over the hill as Dahlmer comes scrambling over. Once he is safe, they all turn to help him. He is out of breath.)

O”NEILL

What’s it look like out there, lieutenant?

DAHLMER

We’re fucked, Sir. Surrounded to the North, East and West. And they’re closing on to the South of us.

RACHEL

Mother fuck.

MITCH

Seconded.

O’NEILL

Ammo and supplies. What do we have?

(They all start piling what they have on the ground between them.)

RACHEL

Two clips, one grenade.

MITCH

Two clips. Canteen. Not much left.

DAHLMER

One clip. One grenade. And I’ve got my knife.

O’NEILL (emptying his pockets)

I have two clips, my knife, and my lighter.

DAHLMER (he picks it up)

That’s a nice lighter.

O’NEILL

It was a gift.

DAHLMER

“You carry the light that ignites the fire in my heart.” Signed “C.”

RACHEL

Pretty saucy, Sir.

MITCH

Is that from Mrs. O’Neill?

O’NEILL

There is no Mrs. O’Neill.

DAHLMER

Is it your lover?

O’NEILL

You could say that. We’d be married, if we could.

RACHEL

This keeps getting hotter. Is she the general’s daughter or something naughty like that?

O’NEILL (taking back lighter)

The “C” stands for Chuck.

(There is a slight pause as this registers. Mitch holds his ears and starts rocking.)

MITCH

I didn’t ask, I didn’t ask, I didn’t ask.

(Rachel smacks him on the shoulder.)

RACHEL

Knock it off, butthead.

DAHLMER

You’re gay?

O’NEILL (loading his gun)

I’m gay.

MITCH

Now, I have to tell.

RACHEL

“Don’t ask, don’t tell.”

MITCH

That’s not for me. I didn’t ask and he told me anyway.

DAHLMER

You’re gay?

O’NEILL

Still “yes.” Load your weapons, men. We’re going to hold our ground as long as we can. Maybe we’ll get air support. (He looks over the hill and returns some fire.) Am I doing this by myself or are you guys going to pitch in and shoot some bad guys?

(Rachel joins him.)

MITCH

I can’t do this. I can’t fight side-by-side with a homosexual.

O’NEILL

You didn’t have a problem with it before you knew I was a homosexual.

MITCH

Right! Before you told me. Now all I can think about is you naked having sex with men.

O’NEILL

Not my problem.

DAHLMER

Who’s he having sex with?

MITCH

You.

DAHLMER

Me? Why are you having sex with me?

O’NEILL

Really not my type, Dahlmer.

MITCH

He’s gay. He’ll screw anything. He’s probably lusting after me, right now.

O’NEILL

Actually, that’s not true. I don’t screw women and right now you two look like the biggest pussies I’ve ever met.

RACHEL

Besides, you two idiots don’t realize that you’ve been fighting side-by-side with lots of gay soldiers. You just don’t notice it because they’re more focused on being soldiers than buggering your fat asses.

(Dahlmer loads his gun and joins Rachel and O’Neill.)

DAHLMER

No one’s going to do me in the behind. I’m a top.

(He and O’Neill exchange man nods.)

MITCH

Cheez Louise, are Rachel and I the only normal heterosexuals in this company. (Rachel looks at him between shots and winks.) You too! That explains why you wouldn’t sleep with me.

RACHEL

There are other reasons, but that’s the main one. I don’t do penis.

O’NEILL

You gonna help us out, Mitch or not?

MITCH

Why, Sarge, why? Why did you have to tell us?

(O’Neill comes down and gets in Mitch’s face.)

O’NEILL

I put my life on the line for you. I’ve pulled your ass out of the fire on more than one occasion. You’ve saved mine, too. We’re pinned. We’re fucked. We might just die here today. I wanted you to know because it’s who I am. And it doesn’t change the way I fight or the way I serve our country. The people shooting at us and the bullets flying out of their guns don’t care who’s straight of who’s gay over here. If we’re going to survive this thing, we need to do it together. And if we’re going to die, I’d rather do that together, too. Fuck ‘em.

(Mitch loads his gun.)

MITCH

Fuck ‘em.

(Mitch returns fire, O’Neill returns to his position. A grenade lands on the ground at their feet.)

MITCH

Somebody jump on it!

RACHEL

You jump on it!

MITCH

I’m straight. I want to have kids. Someone gay jump on it.

DAHLMER

Fuck you. I want to adopt.

MITCH

What a horrible thing to do to a child.

(O’Neill takes off his helmet and puts it over the grenade, holding it down with his weight. It explodes. When everything clears, we see the four in rather compromising positions. Dahlmer is bent over with Rachel behind him her hips to his buns. Mitch’s face is in O’Neill’s crotch.)

O’NEILL

Mitch…Mitch…

(Mitch screams and comes to. We hear a helicopter overhead firing at the enemy.)

RACHEL

Hey, it’s one of ours.

DAHLMER

The assholes are running. We’re gonna get out of this.

O’NEIL

Mitch. You can detach your face from my crotch.

MITCH (sitting up quickly)

Don’t tell anyone.

(Blackout.)