Week 46, Day 316 - "Forced Smile"

“Forced Smile”

Written by Joe Janes

11/30/09

316 of 365

Cast

Richard, 20s

Dow, 20s

Blair, 20s

The Man, 40s

(Lights up on Blair, Dow and Richard. Richard has half of his body laid out on a chair or two while the rest of his body sits/lies on the floor. Dow is flat on his back with his knees up. Blair stands downstage, wide-eyed, facing out, smiling. Out of boredom, Dow forces air out of pursed lips. He does this a few times until he starts to play with the sounds he is making. Making it staccato. Richard begins to wake up. He glares at Dow, who does not notice him. He crawls over and smacks his hand over Dow’s mouth mid-expulsion. He removes his hand, Dow continues the razzberry sound. Richard slaps his hand back. Every time he removes it, the sound continues until Dow is finally out of air. Once Richard is sure Dow won’t continue, he crawls back to his napping position and closes his eyes. Dow sits up. He looks at Blair and he looks over at Richard. He slowly crawls over to Richard and gets right up next to his ear. He takes a deep breath and-

BLAIR

I don’t have his phone number.

(Richard and Dow look at her.)

BLAIR

I don’t have his phone number.

(Richard and Dow look at one another and then back at Blair.)

RICHARD AND DOW

We don’t have a phone.

BLAIR

Still. I would rather have his phone number and not be able to call then to not have his phone number and not be able to call. That’s two reasons to not call. Having only one reason not to be able to call puts me closer to calling and hearing his voice.

RICHARD

But you have two reasons.

DOW

Three really.

RICHARD

Really?

DOW

No phone, no phone number.

RICHARD

That’s two.

DOW

She didn’t have it and lost it. She never had it. She doesn’t have his phone number because he didn’t give it to her. Three.

RICHARD

Two and a half.

BLAIR

He’ll come by. He’ll come by, again and I’ll be here. Waiting for him. (She puts her hand out and presses it against a glass pane.) He’ll come by.

DOW

Unless he’s waiting for you to call first.

(Richard slaps him.)

DOW

Ow!

RICHARD

You had a something… I got it.

(Blair sits down and starts crying. Richard and Dow rush over to tend to her.)

DOW

No, no, no, no….

RICHARD

Hey, hey, hey, hey…

DOW

He’ll be by.

RICHARD

Sure he will.

DOW

Any second now.

(They all three stop and look out. She goes back to crying.)

RICHARD

Soon. He’ll be by soon. He likes you.

BLAIR

Does he?

RICHARD

Of course he does. Everyone does. We like you.

DOW

He told me.

BLAIR

He told you?

DOW

Yes. With his eyes.

RICHARD

It’s written all over his face.

DOW

In big, simple words. Even I understand it.

RICHARD

He likes you.

BLAIR

He won’t like me if he sees me crying. (She starts to wipe her eyes.)

DOW

There you go.

RICHARD

That’s better.

(Richard and Dow stay crouched down as she gets up and looks out, again, smiling. Dow is about to say something. Richard, without looking, reaches over and smacks him.)

DOW

Hey! What was that for?

RICHARD

You were about to say something.

DOW

But I didn’t.

RICHARD

You were about to.

(He steams in silence for a moment.)

DOW

I was just going to say, if he doesn’t come, he’ll have me to answer to.

(Richard slaps his own forehead.)

BLAIR

You don’t think he’ll come?

DOW

Oh, he’ll come. But if he doesn’t. He has me to answer. Me, (holds up his fists) Lois and Fergie.

BLAIR

I see him.

(The man approaches from the audience to the front of the stage. He opens a small door and places three bananas inside of it. Richard grabs the bananas and hands one to Dow and one to Blair. Blair doesn’t take it. Richard tears it in half and he and Dow hungrily woof eat all the fruit. The man shuts the door and turns to leave. Blair lightly taps on the glass. He stops. Turns and looks at her. He opens the small door again and hands a banana out just for her. She shyly takes it from him, being sure to touch his hand in the process. He shuts the door turns and leaves. She holds the banana to her chest.)

DOW

Told you he liked you.

RICHARD

We were right.

(Blair is in heaven.)

DOW

You still don’t have his number.

(She throws the banana down and stomps off to the back. Dow and Richard fight over the banana as Blair tries to find an exit stage left or stage right for which to continue her stomping off. Lights fade.)

Week 45, Day 315 - "Cat Men On The Moon"

“Cat Men On The Moon”

Written by Joe Janes

11/29/09

315 of 365

Cast:

Capt. Yolanda, 30s

Cmdr. Carol, 30s

Lt. Lana, 30s

Leonardo, 30s

Crispin, 30s

Harris, 30s

(Lights up on Yolanda, Carol and Lana in their spaceship.)

CAPT. YOLANDA

There it is, ladies. After six months in space, we’ve finally reached it. The moon.

COMMANDER CAROL

Sure is a pretty sight, Captain.

LT. LANA

When do we break out the champagne?

CAPT. YOLANDA

They’ll be plenty of time to celebrate, Lt. Lana, when we’re back home on earth, safe and sound.

LT. LANA

That’s too bad. Six months cooped up in this spaceship with you two, a girl could go batty.

COMMANDER CAROL

Guess I’ll save these cigars, too. (She pats her breast pocket.)

CAPT. YOLANDA

Coming in for a landing. Brace yourselves.

(The ship is having a rocky time of it.)

COMMANDER CAROL

The engines have cut out.

CAPT. YOLANDA

I have very little control. The steering is shot.

LT. LANA

Aim for that canyon on the right. It looks like it has a smooth service for landing.

CAPT YOLANDA

I’ll do my best.

(We hear the sound of the ship crashing. Darkness. Lights back up on the three of them outside their spacecraft.)

CAPT. YOLANDA

Well, how does it look?

COMMANDER CAROL

Well, he’s banged up pretty bad. But I think I can knock the dings out of him. The propulsion system seems shot. I can’t find anything wrong, it just won’t go. It’s dead. We’re not getting out of here unless someone picks us up and throws us.

CAPT. YOLANDA

What’s your report, Lt.?

LT. LANA

We have enough food and water to last a week. Maybe two, if we go easy on the Tab.

CAPT. YOLANDA

Quite a fix, ain’t it, ladies? Always wanted to go to the moon. Didn’t know I’d get stuck here.

LT. LANA

And no men around for millions of miles.

(A “meow” is heard.)

COMMANDER CAROL

Anybody else hear that?

CAPT. YOLANDA

Must have been the wind.

(Another “meow” is heard from a different location)

LT. LANA

That’s no wind.

(The three stand like a triangle with their backs to each other, slowly rotating.)

CAPT. YOLANDA

Come out and show yourself or we start shooting.

LEONARDO entering)

There’s no need for that.

(Three men dressed in black leotards and cat ears enter. It is Leonardo, Crispin and Harris – pronounced harr-iss.)

LEONARDO

We mean you no harm. I am Leonardo. This is Crispin and Harris.

CRISPIN

Meow.

HARRIS

Meow.

LT. LANA

Men! Sort of.

CAPT. YO

We are from the planet Earth.

LEONARDO

We know where you are from. We brought you here.

CDR CAROL

We’ve been traveling here for months.

LEONARDO

We brought you here with our minds! (They all press their temples and meow in unison)

CAPT. YO

We were coming here any way. Your minds had nothing to do with it.

LEONARDO

We’re the ones keeping you here, Captain Yolanda. Our minds prevent you from flying away.

CMDR CAROL

That explains why I can’t find anything wrong.

LT. LANA

He knew your name?

CAPT. YOLANDA

He knows all our names, Lana. They’re on our uniforms.

LEONARDO

Enough of this chitty chatting. Come with us.

CAPT. YO

We’re not going anywhere.

LEONARDO

Yes, you are. (They all three use their mind-meowing focusing all their energy. This goes for a long time until they run out of breath.) Oh, just get them.

(Crispin and Harris grab Lana, Carol and Capt. Yo while Leonardo circles them with a rope, occasionally swatting away Crispin and Harris, who keep batting at the big string.)

CAPT YO

At least tell us who you are. You are the first alien life forms earthlings have ever encountered.

LEONARDO

We are the cat men of the Moon.

CDR CAROL

Where are all the women?

LEONARDO

They are all…gone. We need you three to populate the moon with us. You will be our love slaves.

LT. LANA

Why would we want to do that?

CDR CAROL

It’s not really my thing.

LEONARDO

Perhaps this will change your mind. (Leonardo, Crispin and Harris all start dancing seductively to some Theremin-type music.)

LEONARDO, CRISPIN AND HARRIS (singing)

We are, We are the cat men of the moon

Clawing into your minds sooner or later

Our feline motions will make you go swoon

We don’t poop in a box, we use a crater

(Their dancing leads to rubbing their faces up against the women’s legs.)

CAPT YO

Okay, okay. I can’t take it any more. We’ll mate with you.

LEONARDO

That’s better.

CAPT YO

Untie us. We can’t mate with you unless we can move around.

(Leonardo unties them.)

LEONARDO

Very well. No tricks. We still have our claws. (The cat men all hiss lightly.)

CAPT YO

C’mon, ladies.

LT. LANA

Captain, what gives?

CAPT YO

Just follow my lead. Pick a tabby, girls. Let’s do some heavy petty.

(Capt Yo starts rubbing Leonardo’s ears, Lt. Lana scratches Crispin’s chin, and Cmdr Carol rubs Harris’s belly.)

CMDR. CAROL (sneezing)

We sure are kicking up a lot of fur.

LT.LANA

My eyes are starting to burn.

CAPT YO

Keep rubbing.

LEONARDO

This feels so good. Oh, no.

(Leonardo doubles over and starts hacking up a hairball. Crispin and Harris soon join him.)

CAPT. YO

Just as I hoped. Hairballs. Lana – try the propulsion system.

LT. LANA (runs to spaceship)

It’s all lit up.

CMDR CAROL

I don’t get it?

CAPT YO

While hacking up fur balls, they can’t use their minds to control our spaceship. Let’s go!

(The women run off and we hear their spaceship blast off.)

LEONARDO

No! No! Come back! Come back!

(The three collapse together, recovering from their hairballs, wailing at the sky.)

CRISPIN

What shall we do, now?

HARRIS

We’ll never repopulate the moon.

LEONARDO

We shall use our minds to pull them back- oh, hey, you’ve got something in your ear.

(Leonardo starts licking Crispin’s ear as Harris starts grooming himself, stops for a moment and looks up, resumes licking himself. Cut to the women in their spaceship.)

CAPT YO

That was close.

LT. LANA

We’re on our way home, now. All systems go.

CAPT YO

Set a course for home, Commander.

CMDR CAROL

Meow, sir.

(Theremin music kicks in as Yo and Lana look at Carol who slyly licks her paw. As the lights fade we hear…)

LEONARDO, CRISPIN AND HARRIS (singing)

We are, We are the cat men of the moon!

Week 45, Day 314 - "Held Up"

“Held Up”

Written by Joe Janes

11/28/09

314 of 365

Cast:

Floyd, 50s

Annie, 50s

Tammy, 50s

(Lights up on Floyd waiting outside his car. We hear the sounds of a bus stop, let someone off, and pull away. Annie walks up carrying a small, beat up suitcase.)

ANNIE

Floyd?

FLOYD

Annie!

(They hug very quickly and awkwardly. They step apart and look at each other.)

FLOYD (continuing)

Oh. Let me take that.

ANNIE

No. That’s okay.

FLOYD

You look good.

ANNIE

You’re full of shit. You look good, though.

FLOYD

I look fat.

ANNIE

Yeah. That’s what I meant.

FLOYD

Hey, get in. Let’s get you away from this place.

ANNIE

Yeah. Still feels weird to be outside.

(They get in. Floyd behind the driver’s seat.)

FLOYD

Where do you want to go?

ANNIE

I don’t know.

FLOYD

We could just drive around.

ANNIE

Okay. That sounds good.

FLOYD

Twenty years is a long time. Lots of stuff has changed.

ANNIE

Where you living?

FLOYD

I’ve got a room above Merle’s garage. He’s till in business. I clean the place; he lets me stay there. Really just a cot in a storage room.

ANNIE

This your car?

FLOYD

No. Merle loaned it to me for the day. He’s a good guy.

ANNIE

I ain’t got no place to stay.

FLOYD

There’s the Motel 8 near route 2.

ANNIE (looking out window)

Yeah. There’s that. Where is everybody?

FLOYD

Downtown’s dead. A lot of shops have closed. Want to go see the new Super Wal-Mart? The place is huge.

ANNIE

No. That’s okay. The bank’s still here. Guess I didn’t put them out of business.

FLOYD

Yeah. That and The Tin Lizzie Bar and Grill are the only things still thriving.

ANNIE

Pull over.

FLOYD

You want to get a beer?

ANNIE

I need to make a withdrawal.

FLOYD

Annie. That’s what got you sent away.

ANNIE

I won’t shoot anybody this time. (Floyd sighs and pulls the car over.) Couldn’t if I wanted to. I don’t have a gun. (Floyd stops the car and rolls down the window.) What’s this?

FLOYD

It’s Saturday. The only thing open is the drive-through.

(Tammy appears far stage left. She is in the drive-thru window. She speaks into a microphone.)

TAMMY

Welcome to Capital Savings and Loan, how may I help you?

FLOYD

Hi, Tammy.

TAMMY

Oh, hi, Floyd. That a new car?

FLOYD

New to me. (Tammy and Floyd laugh.) Merle loaned it to me. I picked up my sister Annie from the bus station.

TAMMY

Annie? Annie’s in there? Annie lean in so I can get a look at you. (Annie does. She waves.) Well, don’t you look good.

ANNIE

Thanks, Tammy. Sorry I shot your husband.

TAMMY

Oh, no need to apologize. You know, it’s been so long, I forgot. You know, Annie, just between you, me and Floyd’s borrowed wheels, that was the best thing anyone has ever done for me. Nathan wasn’t exactly a peach. I should be thanking you. I still haven’t spent all the life insurance money.

ANNIE

That’s really great to hear, Tammy.

TAMMY

Well, what can I do for you two, today? Did you want to rob us, again? (They all laugh.)

ANNIE

Stick ‘em up! (They all laugh.) Seriously, Tammy, can you put all the money you have and put it in that air tube thingy?

TAMMY

Annie, I can’t do that. I’m behind bulletproof glass. There are security cameras on me and on you. No one will believe it’s a robbery. You’ll have to come back during our regular hours do it the old-fashioned way.

ANNIE

So, you’re not going to let me rob you?

TAMMY

I’d lose my job and we’d all probably go to jail, even Floyd.

ANNIE

Okay. Okay. I just don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t have any money and I need a place to stay. Came home because Floyd is the only family I got.

TAMMY

Annie, you can stay with me.

ANNIE

You mean that?

TAMMY

Sure. Beau’s off at college. I got this big old house to myself. I insist.

ANNIE

If you don’t mind-

TAMMY

I don’t mind at all. I always felt you were a good person who just made a bad mistake.

ANNIE

Well, okay then.

FLOYD

Hey, Tammy, what time do you get off?

TAMMY

About half an hour.

FLOYD

Meet us over at the Tin Lizzie. We’ll all have a beer and get caught up.

TAMMY

Sounds good. I’ll see you over there.

ANNIE

Thanks, Tammy.

TAMMY

Thank you for coming to Capital Savings and Loan.

(Floyd and Annie pull away. Lights go down on Tammy.)

ANNIE

She’s nice. Ever try to date her?

FLOYD

Tammy? She’s out of my league.

ANNIE

Maybe I’ll give it a try.

(They laugh. Lights fade.)

Week 45, Day 313 - "Digger"

“Digger”

Written by Joe Janes

11/27/09

313 of 365

Cast:

Peter, 30s

Neil, 30s

Rodney, 30s

Monique, 30

(Lights up on Peter being shoved forward by Neil and Rodney. Rodney has a gun pulled.)

PETER

All right. No need to get rough, fellas.

RODNEY

Pick up the shovel, Peter.

(Peter does so.)

PETER

One shovel against two guns, not a very fair fight.

RODNEY

Harr-harr. Start digging.

(Peter starts digging, slowly.)

PETER

I thought you guys liked me.

RODNEY

Less talking, more digging.

NEIL

I like you.

PETER

Thanks, Neil. I like you, too.

(Peter looks at Rodney.)

PETER (continuing)

Well, Rodney?

RODNEY

Well, what?

PETER

Don’t you like me, too?

RODNEY

Yeah. I’m freakin’ in love. Dig faster or we’ll be here all night.

PETER

Seems a shame to throw our friendship away like this. All over a woman.

RODNEY

A woman who happens to be the boss’s mistress.

NEIL

What were you thinking, Peter?

PETER

I was thinking I’d get me some off Monique. Didn’t think I’d get caught.

RODENY

Shouldn’t be thinking with your dick.

PETER

And what do you think with, Rodney?

RODNEY

My gun.

NEIL

I try not to think. I just do what I’m told.

PETER

You know, when I’m done, you’re just going to shoot me.

RODENY

Hey, looks like you’ve learned to think with your brain.

(Peter puts the shovel down.)

PETER

What happens if I just stop shoveling?

RODNEY

Then I shoot you and Neil digs your grave.

NEIL

Oh, sheesh, Rodney. Come on. You know I’ve got carpel tunnel issues.

RODNEY

Well, I can’t do it. I’m holding the gun.

NEIL

That makes sense.

PETER (to Rodney)

Nice. You know, Rodney. You could stand to lose a few pounds. Digging a hole would be good exercise for you.

RODNEY

Don’t you worry about my physique. Worry about your own.

PETER

You’re going to put a hole in me whether I dig or not. Getting in a little exercise before I go doesn’t help me much.

RODNEY

Maybe not. But it does add a few precious minutes to your stinking, rotten life.

PETER

That is does.

(He starts digging, again.)

NEIL

Hey, Peter. Remember that time we all knocked over that liquor store?

PETER

And all we took was a case of sambucco. That was one fucked up night of hollering at the moon.

RODNEY

I don’t remember that.

PETER

Sure you do.

NEIL

No, wait. He wasn’t there.

PETER

Where was he?

NEIL

Where were you?

RODNEY

How the hell should I know? When was it?

NEIL

When was it?

PETER

It was cold as balls out. I remember that. All I had on was a sport coat.

NEIL

Yeah. And we drank it back of the pawnshop.

PETER

Martin Luther King Day. That’s when it was.

NEIL

How do you know that?

PETER

Because I knew it was a holiday, but I still thought the mail came. I was expecting some chocolate I mail-ordered from Belgium for Derek’s birthday.

NEIL

Mail don’t come on a federal holiday.

RODNEY

Martin Luther King Day ain’t a federal holiday.

PETER

Apparently it is, because I didn’t get any mail that day and neither did my neighbors.

RODNEY

Maybe your mailman sucks.

NEIL

No. It’s a federal holiday. I looked it up. No mail, no banks. All closed.

PETER

Good thing the liquor stores were open. (He digs some more in silence) So, where were you Rodney?

NEIL

Yeah. Where were you? Were you celebrating Martin Luther King Day?

RODNEY

No, I wasn’t celebrating Martin Luther King Day. If Derek’s birthday was on the same day, I was taking care of Monique while Derek had a party with is family.

PETER

Taking care of Monique like I took care of Monique?

RODNEY

Our evening was strictly professional.

NEIL

You paid her for it?

RODNEY

No, I didn’t pay her for it.

PETER

Look me in the eye.

RODNEY

I ain’t looking you in the eye. I’m the guy with the gun, remember?

NEIL

Look me in the eye.

RODNEY

So Peter can whack me in the head with a shovel? No thanks. You guys will just have to take my word for it. Unlike our friend in the hole, I can control my animal urges and respect the boss’s property.

PETER

She ain’t a golf club or a TV set. She’s a human.

RODENY

A human currently being leased by Derek. Stop digging. That’s enough.

PETER

Little shallow, don’t you think?

RODNEY

How appropriate. (Rodney raises his gun to shoot. We hear a gun shot. Rodney falls forward into the hole.) What the hell?

(Monique enters with a gun.)

MONIQUE

Oh, Peter!

PETER

Monique! (They embrace.) How did you know where I was?

MONIQUE

Neil told me.

PETER

You did that for me, Neil?

MONIQUE

Actually, he did it for me.

NEIL

Hey. No reason you two assholes should be the only ones getting’ any off Monique.

(Blackout.)