Sunday, November 29, 2009

Week 45, Day 315 - "Cat Men On The Moon"

“Cat Men On The Moon”

Written by Joe Janes

11/29/09

315 of 365

Cast:

Capt. Yolanda, 30s

Cmdr. Carol, 30s

Lt. Lana, 30s

Leonardo, 30s

Crispin, 30s

Harris, 30s

(Lights up on Yolanda, Carol and Lana in their spaceship.)

CAPT. YOLANDA

There it is, ladies. After six months in space, we’ve finally reached it. The moon.

COMMANDER CAROL

Sure is a pretty sight, Captain.

LT. LANA

When do we break out the champagne?

CAPT. YOLANDA

They’ll be plenty of time to celebrate, Lt. Lana, when we’re back home on earth, safe and sound.

LT. LANA

That’s too bad. Six months cooped up in this spaceship with you two, a girl could go batty.

COMMANDER CAROL

Guess I’ll save these cigars, too. (She pats her breast pocket.)

CAPT. YOLANDA

Coming in for a landing. Brace yourselves.

(The ship is having a rocky time of it.)

COMMANDER CAROL

The engines have cut out.

CAPT. YOLANDA

I have very little control. The steering is shot.

LT. LANA

Aim for that canyon on the right. It looks like it has a smooth service for landing.

CAPT YOLANDA

I’ll do my best.

(We hear the sound of the ship crashing. Darkness. Lights back up on the three of them outside their spacecraft.)

CAPT. YOLANDA

Well, how does it look?

COMMANDER CAROL

Well, he’s banged up pretty bad. But I think I can knock the dings out of him. The propulsion system seems shot. I can’t find anything wrong, it just won’t go. It’s dead. We’re not getting out of here unless someone picks us up and throws us.

CAPT. YOLANDA

What’s your report, Lt.?

LT. LANA

We have enough food and water to last a week. Maybe two, if we go easy on the Tab.

CAPT. YOLANDA

Quite a fix, ain’t it, ladies? Always wanted to go to the moon. Didn’t know I’d get stuck here.

LT. LANA

And no men around for millions of miles.

(A “meow” is heard.)

COMMANDER CAROL

Anybody else hear that?

CAPT. YOLANDA

Must have been the wind.

(Another “meow” is heard from a different location)

LT. LANA

That’s no wind.

(The three stand like a triangle with their backs to each other, slowly rotating.)

CAPT. YOLANDA

Come out and show yourself or we start shooting.

LEONARDO entering)

There’s no need for that.

(Three men dressed in black leotards and cat ears enter. It is Leonardo, Crispin and Harris – pronounced harr-iss.)

LEONARDO

We mean you no harm. I am Leonardo. This is Crispin and Harris.

CRISPIN

Meow.

HARRIS

Meow.

LT. LANA

Men! Sort of.

CAPT. YO

We are from the planet Earth.

LEONARDO

We know where you are from. We brought you here.

CDR CAROL

We’ve been traveling here for months.

LEONARDO

We brought you here with our minds! (They all press their temples and meow in unison)

CAPT. YO

We were coming here any way. Your minds had nothing to do with it.

LEONARDO

We’re the ones keeping you here, Captain Yolanda. Our minds prevent you from flying away.

CMDR CAROL

That explains why I can’t find anything wrong.

LT. LANA

He knew your name?

CAPT. YOLANDA

He knows all our names, Lana. They’re on our uniforms.

LEONARDO

Enough of this chitty chatting. Come with us.

CAPT. YO

We’re not going anywhere.

LEONARDO

Yes, you are. (They all three use their mind-meowing focusing all their energy. This goes for a long time until they run out of breath.) Oh, just get them.

(Crispin and Harris grab Lana, Carol and Capt. Yo while Leonardo circles them with a rope, occasionally swatting away Crispin and Harris, who keep batting at the big string.)

CAPT YO

At least tell us who you are. You are the first alien life forms earthlings have ever encountered.

LEONARDO

We are the cat men of the Moon.

CDR CAROL

Where are all the women?

LEONARDO

They are all…gone. We need you three to populate the moon with us. You will be our love slaves.

LT. LANA

Why would we want to do that?

CDR CAROL

It’s not really my thing.

LEONARDO

Perhaps this will change your mind. (Leonardo, Crispin and Harris all start dancing seductively to some Theremin-type music.)

LEONARDO, CRISPIN AND HARRIS (singing)

We are, We are the cat men of the moon

Clawing into your minds sooner or later

Our feline motions will make you go swoon

We don’t poop in a box, we use a crater

(Their dancing leads to rubbing their faces up against the women’s legs.)

CAPT YO

Okay, okay. I can’t take it any more. We’ll mate with you.

LEONARDO

That’s better.

CAPT YO

Untie us. We can’t mate with you unless we can move around.

(Leonardo unties them.)

LEONARDO

Very well. No tricks. We still have our claws. (The cat men all hiss lightly.)

CAPT YO

C’mon, ladies.

LT. LANA

Captain, what gives?

CAPT YO

Just follow my lead. Pick a tabby, girls. Let’s do some heavy petty.

(Capt Yo starts rubbing Leonardo’s ears, Lt. Lana scratches Crispin’s chin, and Cmdr Carol rubs Harris’s belly.)

CMDR. CAROL (sneezing)

We sure are kicking up a lot of fur.

LT.LANA

My eyes are starting to burn.

CAPT YO

Keep rubbing.

LEONARDO

This feels so good. Oh, no.

(Leonardo doubles over and starts hacking up a hairball. Crispin and Harris soon join him.)

CAPT. YO

Just as I hoped. Hairballs. Lana – try the propulsion system.

LT. LANA (runs to spaceship)

It’s all lit up.

CMDR CAROL

I don’t get it?

CAPT YO

While hacking up fur balls, they can’t use their minds to control our spaceship. Let’s go!

(The women run off and we hear their spaceship blast off.)

LEONARDO

No! No! Come back! Come back!

(The three collapse together, recovering from their hairballs, wailing at the sky.)

CRISPIN

What shall we do, now?

HARRIS

We’ll never repopulate the moon.

LEONARDO

We shall use our minds to pull them back- oh, hey, you’ve got something in your ear.

(Leonardo starts licking Crispin’s ear as Harris starts grooming himself, stops for a moment and looks up, resumes licking himself. Cut to the women in their spaceship.)

CAPT YO

That was close.

LT. LANA

We’re on our way home, now. All systems go.

CAPT YO

Set a course for home, Commander.

CMDR CAROL

Meow, sir.

(Theremin music kicks in as Yo and Lana look at Carol who slyly licks her paw. As the lights fade we hear…)

LEONARDO, CRISPIN AND HARRIS (singing)

We are, We are the cat men of the moon!

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