Written by Joe Janes
11/29/09
315 of 365
Cast:
Capt. Yolanda, 30s
Cmdr. Carol, 30s
Lt. Lana, 30s
Leonardo, 30s
Crispin, 30s
Harris, 30s
(Lights up on Yolanda, Carol and Lana in their spaceship.)
CAPT. YOLANDA
There it is, ladies. After six months in space, we’ve finally reached it. The moon.
COMMANDER CAROL
Sure is a pretty sight, Captain.
LT. LANA
When do we break out the champagne?
CAPT. YOLANDA
They’ll be plenty of time to celebrate, Lt. Lana, when we’re back home on earth, safe and sound.
LT. LANA
That’s too bad. Six months cooped up in this spaceship with you two, a girl could go batty.
COMMANDER CAROL
Guess I’ll save these cigars, too. (She pats her breast pocket.)
CAPT. YOLANDA
Coming in for a landing. Brace yourselves.
(The ship is having a rocky time of it.)
COMMANDER CAROL
The engines have cut out.
CAPT. YOLANDA
I have very little control. The steering is shot.
LT. LANA
Aim for that canyon on the right. It looks like it has a smooth service for landing.
CAPT YOLANDA
I’ll do my best.
(We hear the sound of the ship crashing. Darkness. Lights back up on the three of them outside their spacecraft.)
CAPT. YOLANDA
Well, how does it look?
COMMANDER CAROL
Well, he’s banged up pretty bad. But I think I can knock the dings out of him. The propulsion system seems shot. I can’t find anything wrong, it just won’t go. It’s dead. We’re not getting out of here unless someone picks us up and throws us.
CAPT. YOLANDA
What’s your report, Lt.?
LT. LANA
We have enough food and water to last a week. Maybe two, if we go easy on the Tab.
CAPT. YOLANDA
Quite a fix, ain’t it, ladies? Always wanted to go to the moon. Didn’t know I’d get stuck here.
LT. LANA
And no men around for millions of miles.
(A “meow” is heard.)
COMMANDER CAROL
Anybody else hear that?
CAPT. YOLANDA
Must have been the wind.
(Another “meow” is heard from a different location)
LT. LANA
That’s no wind.
(The three stand like a triangle with their backs to each other, slowly rotating.)
CAPT. YOLANDA
Come out and show yourself or we start shooting.
LEONARDO entering)
There’s no need for that.
(Three men dressed in black leotards and cat ears enter. It is Leonardo, Crispin and Harris – pronounced harr-iss.)
LEONARDO
We mean you no harm. I am Leonardo. This is Crispin and Harris.
CRISPIN
Meow.
HARRIS
Meow.
LT. LANA
Men! Sort of.
CAPT. YO
We are from the planet Earth.
LEONARDO
We know where you are from. We brought you here.
CDR CAROL
We’ve been traveling here for months.
LEONARDO
We brought you here with our minds! (They all press their temples and meow in unison)
CAPT. YO
We were coming here any way. Your minds had nothing to do with it.
LEONARDO
We’re the ones keeping you here, Captain Yolanda. Our minds prevent you from flying away.
CMDR CAROL
That explains why I can’t find anything wrong.
LT. LANA
He knew your name?
CAPT. YOLANDA
He knows all our names, Lana. They’re on our uniforms.
LEONARDO
Enough of this chitty chatting. Come with us.
CAPT. YO
We’re not going anywhere.
LEONARDO
Yes, you are. (They all three use their mind-meowing focusing all their energy. This goes for a long time until they run out of breath.) Oh, just get them.
(Crispin and Harris grab Lana, Carol and Capt. Yo while Leonardo circles them with a rope, occasionally swatting away Crispin and Harris, who keep batting at the big string.)
CAPT YO
At least tell us who you are. You are the first alien life forms earthlings have ever encountered.
LEONARDO
We are the cat men of the Moon.
CDR CAROL
Where are all the women?
LEONARDO
They are all…gone. We need you three to populate the moon with us. You will be our love slaves.
LT. LANA
Why would we want to do that?
CDR CAROL
It’s not really my thing.
LEONARDO
Perhaps this will change your mind. (Leonardo, Crispin and Harris all start dancing seductively to some Theremin-type music.)
LEONARDO, CRISPIN AND HARRIS (singing)
We are, We are the cat men of the moon
Clawing into your minds sooner or later
Our feline motions will make you go swoon
We don’t poop in a box, we use a crater
(Their dancing leads to rubbing their faces up against the women’s legs.)
CAPT YO
Okay, okay. I can’t take it any more. We’ll mate with you.
LEONARDO
That’s better.
CAPT YO
Untie us. We can’t mate with you unless we can move around.
(Leonardo unties them.)
LEONARDO
Very well. No tricks. We still have our claws. (The cat men all hiss lightly.)
CAPT YO
C’mon, ladies.
LT. LANA
Captain, what gives?
CAPT YO
Just follow my lead. Pick a tabby, girls. Let’s do some heavy petty.
(Capt Yo starts rubbing Leonardo’s ears, Lt. Lana scratches Crispin’s chin, and Cmdr Carol rubs Harris’s belly.)
CMDR. CAROL (sneezing)
We sure are kicking up a lot of fur.
LT.LANA
My eyes are starting to burn.
CAPT YO
Keep rubbing.
LEONARDO
This feels so good. Oh, no.
(Leonardo doubles over and starts hacking up a hairball. Crispin and Harris soon join him.)
CAPT. YO
Just as I hoped. Hairballs. Lana – try the propulsion system.
LT. LANA (runs to spaceship)
It’s all lit up.
CMDR CAROL
I don’t get it?
CAPT YO
While hacking up fur balls, they can’t use their minds to control our spaceship. Let’s go!
(The women run off and we hear their spaceship blast off.)
LEONARDO
No! No! Come back! Come back!
(The three collapse together, recovering from their hairballs, wailing at the sky.)
CRISPIN
What shall we do, now?
HARRIS
We’ll never repopulate the moon.
LEONARDO
We shall use our minds to pull them back- oh, hey, you’ve got something in your ear.
(Leonardo starts licking Crispin’s ear as Harris starts grooming himself, stops for a moment and looks up, resumes licking himself. Cut to the women in their spaceship.)
CAPT YO
That was close.
LT. LANA
We’re on our way home, now. All systems go.
CAPT YO
Set a course for home, Commander.
CMDR CAROL
Meow, sir.
(Theremin music kicks in as Yo and Lana look at Carol who slyly licks her paw. As the lights fade we hear…)
LEONARDO, CRISPIN AND HARRIS (singing)
We are, We are the cat men of the moon!
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