Written by Joe Janes
11/22/09
308 of 365
Cast:
Holly, 30s
Duncan, 40s
(Lights up on Duncan, a middle-aged businessman, under a table, hunched down on the floor stacking what appears to be papers. Next to him is a cardboard cigar box. Holly, a middle-aged businesswoman, enters. She has a red mark on her hand. He doesn’t notice. She clears her throat.)
DUNCAN (rising)
Holly Langford! It’s nice to finally meet you.
(Holly reaches out her hand to shake his. He bypasses her hand and punches her on the upper arm in a friendly way.)
HOLLY
Nice too finally meet you, too, Mr. Burris.
DUNCAN
Call me Duncan. Everybody calls me Duncan. Have a seat.
(Holly looks around and doesn’t see any chairs.)
DUNCAN (continuing)
Right here, silly. Under the table.
(He crawls under the table and pats the floor next to him. She reluctantly joins him.)
HOLLY
Being the CEO of a Fortune 500 company must be very stressful…
DUNCAN
I wanted to become a pirate, but Harvard wouldn’t let me declare that as a major.
HOLLY (looking through stack of papers)
Comic books.
DUNCAN
I think it’s important to have hobbies. Do you have a hobby?
HOLLY
I collect Hummels.
DUNCAN
You collect telescopes!
HOLLY
Uh, no. Little figurines.
DUNCAN
Oh, right. You’re a girl.
(Holly picks up something not a comic book.)
HOLLY
Victoria’s Secret?
DUNCAN (grabbing it from her)
Oh, sheesh! Ha! Those guys!
(Duncan picks up the cigar box.)
DUNCAN
Cigar?
HOLLY
No, thank you.
DUNCAN
Mind?
HOLLY
Go right ahead.
(Duncan pulls a pretzel rod out of the cigar box and pretends to light it and blow a smoke ring.)
DUNCAN
Shhh. They’re Cuban. Drink?
HOLLY
I’m not sure.
DUNCAN
I usually take a little snort of scotch this time of day.
HOLLY
Okay.
(Duncan pulls out a small can of chocolate syrup makes two openings in it with a church key. He takes a sip and hands it to her.)
DUNCAN
Single malt.
HOLLY
Thanks.
(Holly takes a small sip and forces a quick smile after.)
DUNCAN
Have some more.
HOLLY
Oh, no. Goes right to my head.
DUNCAN
Lightweight. (Duncan takes a big swig, crawls out and grabs her file from his desk.) Holly, I didn’t ask you here to just drink and smoke and discuss comic books.
HOLLY
I didn’t think so.
DUNCAN
Really? Oh. I’ve been looking over your executive performance review.
HOLLY
Good things, I hope.
DUNCAN
Very good things. Hard worker, strong leadership, keen manager. Not bad for dumb ol’ girl.
HOLLY
Does this mean I’m in line for a promotion?
DUNCAN
Oh, we’ve got lots of goodies lined up for you, Holly. New position, new office, company car and expense account. $20,000 raise. And a perpetually bowl of M & Ms on your desk, but only in the colors you like best. I have green. Would you like us to give you something like that?
HOLLY
Yes, Duncan. Yes, I would.
DUNCAN
Great. Great. I’d like to give it to you.
HOLLY
But…?
DUNCAN
Well, I can’t just hand these opportunities out to every qualified candidate that crosses my path. There’s something you have to do for me first.
HOLLY
Oh.
DUNCAN
Promotions aren’t just handed out willy-nilly. I just need a teensy favor.
HOLLY
What would you like me to do?
DUNCAN
Something special. Something only you can do. Something that really shows your loyalty to the company. To me. Do we understand each other?
HOLLY
You want me…to..show you…my…boobies?
(Duncan grabs a comic book and covers his crotch.)
DUNCAN
Oh! Oh, no! No, no, no, no. Wow! No one’s ever tried to do that before!
HOLLY
What have other people done?
DUNCAN
Everybody does something different. Tate snorted a bowl of lime jell-o through a straw. Nystrom pulled his eyelids inside out. Linstroth is double-jointed and can pull his thumb back to touch his forearm. Don’t you do anything cool like that?
HOLLY
No. I don’t. I’ve never done anything like that. Does that mean I don’t get the promotion?
DUNCAN
Well, I just want to be fair. Everyone else did something. I’m sorry, Holly. If you think of something, though, let me know.
(Holly walks to the door.)
HOLLY
Is it because I’m girl?
DUNCAN
What? No! Clarisse in marketing got a promotion.
HOLLY
Really? Little tiny demure Clarisse? What did she do?
DUNCAN
She painted a face on her belly button and made it tell a joke about a nun with one leg. The joke wasn’t very funny, but she did it in a pirate voice.
HOLLY
I don’t know any jokes, either.
DUNCAN
I don’t know any nuns with one leg.
HOLLY
I guess I’m not cut out for this. (She grabs the doorknob and notices the mark on her hand.) Would you like to see my scab?
DUNCAN
Yah. (She shows him.) Cool. How’d you get it?
HOLLY
I burned myself.
DUNCAN
With a candle? Like G. Gordon Liddy?
HOLLY
With a curling iron. Like a girl.
DUNCAN
That is one of the most awesome scabs I have ever seen.
HOLLY
Thank you.
DUNCAN
Can I pick it?
HOLLY
Pick it?
DUNCAN
Yeah. I want to peel it off. Please, oh, please, oh, please.
HOLLY
Company car, eh?
(Duncan nods. She holds her hand out to him. He peels off the scab with glee.)
HOLLY
Guess I’m now worthy of a promotion, right?
DUNCAN
Almost. (He holds the scab out to her.) Eat it.
(Blackout.)
2 comments:
Whoaa! What an out!
I like it, but you might need a little something up top so we know for sure that they are indeed adults and that the CEO is acting a little wierd. I think in a typical sketch show the audience might spend a good deal at the top of the scene wondering if these are adult actors playing kids or if these are adult characters that act sort of like kids.
Maybe have the receptionist bring Holly in for her review or something at the top of the scene.
Interesting. I cut the first page which is her being sent in by a receptionist and also establishing the scab on her hand. Maybe I'll put it back.
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