Sunday, November 22, 2009

Week 44, Day 308 - "Kick The Can"

“Kick The Can”

Written by Joe Janes

11/22/09

308 of 365

Cast:

Holly, 30s

Duncan, 40s

(Lights up on Duncan, a middle-aged businessman, under a table, hunched down on the floor stacking what appears to be papers. Next to him is a cardboard cigar box. Holly, a middle-aged businesswoman, enters. She has a red mark on her hand. He doesn’t notice. She clears her throat.)

DUNCAN (rising)

Holly Langford! It’s nice to finally meet you.

(Holly reaches out her hand to shake his. He bypasses her hand and punches her on the upper arm in a friendly way.)

HOLLY

Nice too finally meet you, too, Mr. Burris.

DUNCAN

Call me Duncan. Everybody calls me Duncan. Have a seat.

(Holly looks around and doesn’t see any chairs.)

DUNCAN (continuing)

Right here, silly. Under the table.

(He crawls under the table and pats the floor next to him. She reluctantly joins him.)

HOLLY

Being the CEO of a Fortune 500 company must be very stressful…

DUNCAN

I wanted to become a pirate, but Harvard wouldn’t let me declare that as a major.

HOLLY (looking through stack of papers)

Comic books.

DUNCAN

I think it’s important to have hobbies. Do you have a hobby?

HOLLY

I collect Hummels.

DUNCAN

You collect telescopes!

HOLLY

Uh, no. Little figurines.

DUNCAN

Oh, right. You’re a girl.

(Holly picks up something not a comic book.)

HOLLY

Victoria’s Secret?

DUNCAN (grabbing it from her)

Oh, sheesh! Ha! Those guys!

(Duncan picks up the cigar box.)

DUNCAN

Cigar?

HOLLY

No, thank you.

DUNCAN

Mind?

HOLLY

Go right ahead.

(Duncan pulls a pretzel rod out of the cigar box and pretends to light it and blow a smoke ring.)

DUNCAN

Shhh. They’re Cuban. Drink?

HOLLY

I’m not sure.

DUNCAN

I usually take a little snort of scotch this time of day.

HOLLY

Okay.

(Duncan pulls out a small can of chocolate syrup makes two openings in it with a church key. He takes a sip and hands it to her.)

DUNCAN

Single malt.

HOLLY

Thanks.

(Holly takes a small sip and forces a quick smile after.)

DUNCAN

Have some more.

HOLLY

Oh, no. Goes right to my head.

DUNCAN

Lightweight. (Duncan takes a big swig, crawls out and grabs her file from his desk.) Holly, I didn’t ask you here to just drink and smoke and discuss comic books.

HOLLY

I didn’t think so.

DUNCAN

Really? Oh. I’ve been looking over your executive performance review.

HOLLY

Good things, I hope.

DUNCAN

Very good things. Hard worker, strong leadership, keen manager. Not bad for dumb ol’ girl.

HOLLY

Does this mean I’m in line for a promotion?

DUNCAN

Oh, we’ve got lots of goodies lined up for you, Holly. New position, new office, company car and expense account. $20,000 raise. And a perpetually bowl of M & Ms on your desk, but only in the colors you like best. I have green. Would you like us to give you something like that?

HOLLY

Yes, Duncan. Yes, I would.

DUNCAN

Great. Great. I’d like to give it to you.

HOLLY

But…?

DUNCAN

Well, I can’t just hand these opportunities out to every qualified candidate that crosses my path. There’s something you have to do for me first.

HOLLY

Oh.

DUNCAN

Promotions aren’t just handed out willy-nilly. I just need a teensy favor.

HOLLY

What would you like me to do?

DUNCAN

Something special. Something only you can do. Something that really shows your loyalty to the company. To me. Do we understand each other?

HOLLY

You want me…to..show you…my…boobies?

(Duncan grabs a comic book and covers his crotch.)

DUNCAN

Oh! Oh, no! No, no, no, no. Wow! No one’s ever tried to do that before!

HOLLY

What have other people done?

DUNCAN

Everybody does something different. Tate snorted a bowl of lime jell-o through a straw. Nystrom pulled his eyelids inside out. Linstroth is double-jointed and can pull his thumb back to touch his forearm. Don’t you do anything cool like that?

HOLLY

No. I don’t. I’ve never done anything like that. Does that mean I don’t get the promotion?

DUNCAN

Well, I just want to be fair. Everyone else did something. I’m sorry, Holly. If you think of something, though, let me know.

(Holly walks to the door.)

HOLLY

Is it because I’m girl?

DUNCAN

What? No! Clarisse in marketing got a promotion.

HOLLY

Really? Little tiny demure Clarisse? What did she do?

DUNCAN

She painted a face on her belly button and made it tell a joke about a nun with one leg. The joke wasn’t very funny, but she did it in a pirate voice.

HOLLY

I don’t know any jokes, either.

DUNCAN

I don’t know any nuns with one leg.

HOLLY

I guess I’m not cut out for this. (She grabs the doorknob and notices the mark on her hand.) Would you like to see my scab?

DUNCAN

Yah. (She shows him.) Cool. How’d you get it?

HOLLY

I burned myself.

DUNCAN

With a candle? Like G. Gordon Liddy?

HOLLY

With a curling iron. Like a girl.

DUNCAN

That is one of the most awesome scabs I have ever seen.

HOLLY

Thank you.

DUNCAN

Can I pick it?

HOLLY

Pick it?

DUNCAN

Yeah. I want to peel it off. Please, oh, please, oh, please.

HOLLY

Company car, eh?

(Duncan nods. She holds her hand out to him. He peels off the scab with glee.)

HOLLY

Guess I’m now worthy of a promotion, right?

DUNCAN

Almost. (He holds the scab out to her.) Eat it.

(Blackout.)

2 comments:

Chris Othic said...

Whoaa! What an out!

I like it, but you might need a little something up top so we know for sure that they are indeed adults and that the CEO is acting a little wierd. I think in a typical sketch show the audience might spend a good deal at the top of the scene wondering if these are adult actors playing kids or if these are adult characters that act sort of like kids.

Maybe have the receptionist bring Holly in for her review or something at the top of the scene.

Joe Janes said...

Interesting. I cut the first page which is her being sent in by a receptionist and also establishing the scab on her hand. Maybe I'll put it back.