Saturday, December 5, 2009

Week 46, Day 320 - "On Fire"

“On Fire”

Written by Joe Janes

12/4/09

320 of 365

Cast

Charlie, 30s

Emmy, 30s

Edie, 40s

Wayne, 50s

(Lights up on Charlie and Emmy sitting at a conference table waiting for others. They exchange glances and shrugs. Edie enters. She stands in the doorway and looks in.)

EDIE

Well. At least I’m not late.

(She enters and sits.)

CHARLIE

You are late.

EDIE

So’s the boss, ergo, not late.

EMMY

He’s been acting strange lately.

CHARLIE

I heard he split with his wife.

EDIE

Jesus, Charlie. You gossip like teenaged girl

CHARLIE

Just saying what I heard.

EDIE

I could be making dials, right now. This better be good. I hate meetings.

EMMY

They make me uncomfortable. Something bad always happens.

(Wayne enters. He is in a business suit with the jacket buttoned. He stands there beaming. His pant legs look baggy and his ears are more than just pierced. His ear lobes are punctured and have those napkin ring-like things in them.)

WAYNE

Hello, motherfuckers.

CHARLIE

Wayne.

EMMY

Mr. Steiner.

EDIE

What did you do to your ears?

WAYNE

My P-Daddy’s! Like it? Pretty hip, right? Cutting edge.

EDIE

Yeah. The latest rage in napkin holders.

WAYNE

I had an epiphany. The kind that’s going to blow this company out of the water.

(He takes off his jacket and throws it over a chair revealing that the waist of his pants is down below his butt.)

CHARLIE

Sounds…great.

EMMY

Looks like you’re ready to crack things wide open. (Whispering to Edie) I said, “crack.”

EDIE

I noticed. Good job.

WAYNE

You know what this company’s been missing? Fire. Fire. A passion for what we do. We all had that passion once, didn’t we? Maybe it was in high school. Maybe it was in college. Maybe we still had it when we hit our 30s, but the heat was starting to cool. Sistahs and bros, my passion was gone. Nothing but a pile of ash. But I met someone who blew on that ash and made a spark appear. Now, I’m on fire again and I want to spread the flames to Barnett and Aquino, Incorporated.

EDIE

We sell hand sanitizer.

WAYNE

We used to sell hand sanitizer. Now, we sell a lifestyle. We sell “cool.”

EMMY

Cool?

WAYNE

Or hip. Or sick. Or rad or whatever you want to call it. We’ve got it and the kids are going to clamor for it. We’ll sponsor indie rock concerts, have a booth at Pitchfork, give to PETA. When a tween or a twenty-something wants to destroy the germs on their hands, they’ll reach for a squirt of us. I want us to do viral videos on the You Tubes.

CHARLIE

A hand sanitizer that’s viral. Nice.

EDIE

Are you fucking around on your wife?

WAYNE

Yes! I totally am! And it is awesome. I have tasted once again the fruit of youth and I want to sing it from the mountaintops. But not do that, exactly, because that would be very nun-like and not very hip. I want to scream it from on top of an abandoned warehouse. I want you all to have a taste of what I’ve had. Smell it on your face and fingers. Live what I have lived and am living. Starting tomorrow, I want everyone to shave their junk!

EDIE

I’m not shaving my junk.

WAYNE

It’s now company policy. You have to.

CHARLIE

I’m afraid to, again. Chafing.

WAYNE

Dare to chafe, Charlie!

(Edie gets up and heads to the door.)

EDIE

Delores is my friend. I can’t stand by and witness this train wreck.

WAYNE

You call it a train wreck, Edie; I call it a beautiful, burning sensation.

EDIE

Does Delores know you’ve been fucking some teenaged bimbo?

WAYNE

Epiphany is nineteen. An adult. A consenting adult.

CHARLIE

An adult you can’t take to a bar.

EMMY

You really did have an epiphany.

WAYNE

And we connect. We’re soul mates. We even got matching tattoos. The Chinese symbol for “flame” right at the base of the spine.

EDIE

Shave there, too, Wayne?

WAYNE

You know what, Edie? You and women your age are just jealous. You’ve got realize that just because you’re in your 50s-

EDIE

40s.

WAYNE

Whatever, that doesn’t mean you have to be so old. And tired. All the women I meet my age look like they need a nap.

EDIE

Because we do. We have kids, we have jobs and we have asshole husbands. And you need to learn that sticking your dick in an adolescent ain’t the fountain of youth. You’re not going to be able to keep up and she’s not going to wait for grandpa to catch up. You look pathetic, not cool. (She grabs his waistband and pulls his pants up.)

WAYNE

Ow!

EDIE

I have dials to make.

(She exits.)

WAYNE

You still have to shave your junk.

CHARLIE

I’m with you man. Getting older doesn’t mean you have to get old. I’m going straight home to take another whack at manscaping.

WAYNE

Lots of baby powder.

EMMY

Try Nair.

CHARLIE

Good idea. I’ll use my wife’s.

(He exits.)

WAYNE

Emmy, you don’t think I’ve lost touch, do you? I feel more in touch than ever.

EMMY

I don’t like how you got it, but I like the new surge in energy.

WAYNE

That’s what I’m talking about.

(She exits. Wayne puts his jacket back on. He’s about to go out the door, but readjusts his pants so the belt is father than it was before, almost to his knees.)

WAYNE

I am on fire!

(Lights fade as he exits.)

1 comment:

Aly said...

A quirky boss taking hand sanitizer and the marketing of it way too seriously is funny. Though I'm not sure on the shaving part.