Week 12, Day 81 - “Easter Egg Hunting with Bub Winkerman”

“Easter Egg Hunting with Bub Winkerman”
Written by Joe Janes
4/9/09
81 of 365

CAST
Bub, 50s
Naomi, 12
Easter Bunny

(Lights up on Bub Winkerman, portly hunter, dressed in typical outdoor hunting gear. With him is Naomi, a little girl in a Sunday dress. They are in a typical backyard.)

BUB

Hey, everybody. Bub Winkerman, here. Boy, do we have an exciting show for you. It’s April. It’s that time of year where for one morning only; we get to go Easter egg hunting. With me here is my good friend and expert Easter egg hunter, Naomi. Naomi, tell me what you have there. What are the tools of the trade we’ll need to hunt Easter eggs?

NAOMI

Well, Bub, I have here a small basket. When I find an egg, I put it in here.

BUB

Got anything else in that basket we should know about?

NAOMI

Well, it could be a long morning. I brought a juice box and some jerky. I also have a large knife. Comes in handy should I find an egg and decide to eat it right away. And some wet naps.

BUB

That’s a pretty big knife for just cracking open some eggs.

NAOMI

Well, it’s also for protection. I didn’t want to scare you.

BUB

Protection from what?

NAOMI

The eggs just don’t magically appear where we find them. They are put there by a large, vicious six-foot tall rabbit. The rabbit may try to protect its eggs.

BUB

Maybe I should get my rifle.

NAOMI

Not a bad idea to have one on hand, but we probably won’t need it. The creature is nocturnal and hides its eggs in the cover of night. It should be long gone, by now.

BUB

That’s a relief. Where do we go looking for the eggs?

NAOMI

Right here, in my backyard.

(They both walk into the audience.)

NAOMI

The thing to remember is that the Easter bunny, as he is sometimes called, doesn’t leave them out in the open. You have to look under things.

BUB

Inside things, too.

NAOMI

That’s right.

(They make their way through the audience looking under seats, tables, people, etc.)

BUB

Hey, I found one.

(Bub holds an Easter egg up, but it’s one of those tiny chocolate ones in foil.)

NAOMI

That’s too small, Bub. You’ll have to put it back.

BUB

Will do. We must abide by state egg hunting laws.

NAOMI (holding one up)

Here’s one. The adult eggs are around this size. This is a good one. As you can see, it has a colorful shell. Each one is unique.

(There is a stirring in the back of the theater. The Easter bunny pops up growling.)

BUB

Oh, no! It’s the Easter Bunny, Naomi. My rifle’s in my truck. What should I do?

NAOMI (tosses the egg to Bub)

Keep him distracted, Bub.

BUB

Hey! Hey! Here, bunny, bunny, bunny. Here, bunny, bunny, bunny. Got one of your eggs. Can’t wait till I peel off its shell and put it in my tummy. Might even take the shell and put it over my mantle. Or make shoes out of it.

(As he speaks, the bunny tries to get closer to Bub and Bub slowly backs up towards the stage. Naomi is sneaking up behind the bunny. She catches up to him and snaps his neck with her bare hands. )

NAOMI

Grab him, Bub! Help me drag him onto the patio!

(Bub does. Naomi takes out her knife.)

BUB

Are we going to skin him and eat him?

NAOMI

Easter bunnies aren’t like regular bunnies, Bub. They taste awful. Like plastic grass and Necco wafers. The good stuff is in the belly.

(Naomi splits open his belly and Easter eggs come pouring out.)

BUB

Looks like we hit the jackpot, Naomi. Good job!

NAOMI

Thanks, Bub. Now, we’ll skin him and make a nice rug for my playroom.

(Naomi begins to skin the Easter Bunny.)

BUB (eating an Easter egg)

This has been Easter Egg Hunting with Bub Winkerman. See you next week when we will be stalking candy-filled paper donkeys and clubbing them to death for Cinco de Mayo. Good day and good hunting!

(Blackout.)