Thursday, September 3, 2009

Week 33, Day 228 - “Bouncer”

“Bouncer”

Written by Joe Janes

9/3/09

228 of 365

Cast

Jimmy, 30s

Howard, 30s

Peter, 30s

(Lights up on Jimmy, a strong, beefy guy, sitting on a bar stool. The door next to him opens and Howard comes through, wearing a jacket and carrying a backpack.)

JIMMY

Twenty dollars.

HOWARD

Who are you?

JIMMY

I’m Jimmy. Twenty dollars.

HOWARD

My apartment building doesn’t have a doorman.

JIMMY

New service. Twenty dollars.

HOWARD

I’m not giving you twenty dollars.

JIMMY

Then you don’t get to enter.

HOWARD

Enter the outside?

JIMMY

That is correct. Twenty bucks or back out you go into your apartment.

HOWARD

I’m not going to let you rob me out of twenty bucks, especially when I’m just going to go get a cup of coffee and sit and write.

JIMMY

How much is the coffee?

HOWARD

Two dollars.

JIMMY

Refills?

HOWARD

Another buck.

JIMMY

Three bucks. Muffin or scone?

HOWARD

Blueberry scone. $2.75. They are so good.

JIMMY

Add tax; let’s round up to six bucks. Plus a dollar tip.

HOWARD

A dollar?

JIMMY

Fucking A, a dollar. So, your little inexpensive trip to the coffee shop to write, both of which you could do at home, is now at seven dollars.

HOWARD

I’m out of coffee.

JIMMY

You have tea?

HOWARD

I have tea.

JIMMY

It’s better for you. Write while you sip tea.

HOWARD

I’m really a coffee guy when it comes to writing.

JIMMY

What are you writing?

HOWARD

A comedy sketch.

JIMMY

Hmmm.

HOWARD

You have a problem with that?

JIMMY

No, no. Not at all. I’m sure your little skits are worth every penny. Anything in between here and the coffee joint?

HOWARD

Grocery store.

JIMMY

Stopping by?

HOWARD

No. Yes. I usually do. It’s right on the way. Something for dinner, cat food, and I do the self-checkout so I can get cash back with my debit card.

JIMMY

You don’t have to use the self-checkout for that. You can use a cashier for that.

HOWARD

I don’t like to. I feel like I have to tell them what I need the money for. It’s a thing.

JIMMY

Okay, champ, add cat food, something for dinner and some miscellaneous-

HOWARD

Miscellaneous?

JIMMY

You know, you get there and realize you need mints or croutons or cotton swabs.

HOWARD

I need all those things.

JIMMY

And how much cash back?

HOWARD

I usually get a hundred so I don’t have to do it again right away although I’m usually back two days later.

JIMMY

Okay, then, that little nugget of comedy gold that you’re going to create is going to cost you today somewhere around one hundred and fifty dineros.

HOWARD

Guess I never stopped to think about it.

JIMMY

Maybe you should.

HOWARD

I don’t think dineros is a word.

JIMMY

So, you can pay me twenty bucks on top of all that or you can go back inside, make yourself some tea and write your little funny ha-has in your living room.

HOWARD

That would save me quite a bit of money.

JIMMY

Now, if you happen to be going somewhere that will make you significantly more moola than a twenty-dollar cover, then come back out.

HOWARD

What if I need to do laundry?

JIMMY

Use the bathtub.

HOWARD

Right. Right, Good call-

JIMMY

Jimmy.

HOWARD

Howard.

JIMMY

I know.

(Peter opens his apartment door and tries to sneak by Jimmy. Jimmy clears his throat.)

PETER

Jimmy, didn’t see you there.

JIMMY

Twenty bucks, Peter.

PETER

Jimmy, I was just going to run to the 7-11 for a quick something to drink. Bringing it right back here. Maybe a Slushee. Or a big coke. Or a Slushee Coke. Can I bring you back anything?

JIMMY

No, thanks. I’ll just take my twenty bucks.

(Pause)

PETER (slaps forehead)

What was I thinking? I have water. Plenty of refreshing tap water.

JIMMY

Add a few thin slices of cucumber and serve it chilled.

PETER

Great idea. Catch you later, Jimmy. Hey, Howard.

HOWARD

Hey, Peter.

PETER

This guy! (Points to Jimmy as he walks back to his apartment.) Love this guy. (He turns, sighs, and goes back into his apartment.)

HOWARD

Thanks for helping me save some money, Jimmy.

JIMMY

It’s what I’m here for. If you’re going to piss away money, you may as well just hand it off to me as you walk out the door.

HOWARD

That was subtle.

(Jimmy shrugs. Howard enters his apartment. Pause. Howard comes back out and hands Jimmy a twenty.)

HOWARD

Fuck it. I need coffee. But tomorrow… Tomorrow, Jimmy!

(He exits.)

JIMMY

Subtlety is not part of my job.

(Jimmy takes a big wad of cash out of his pocket and wraps the twenty around it. Lights fade.)

2 comments:

Rob Britt said...

Funny thing. I thought at first the guy's name was Jimmy twenty dollars.
skit's funny cause it's so true.

Aly said...

Yeah, it is true, and makes a good case for not ever leaving your apartment. It's a big- and expensive- world out there. oh well, wish I had a door man like that to set me straight!