Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Week 44, Day 303 - "Abortion Lover"

“Abortion Lover”

Written by Joe Janes

11/17/09

303 of 365

Cast:

Al, 30s

Emma, 30s

(The stage is dark. We hear fumbling of keys. A door opens and the lights in Emma’s apartment turn on. Emma and Al are trying to move into the apartment while making out. They take off their coats and fumble their way to the sofa.)

EMMA (still kissing)

Sorry the place is a mess, Al.

AL (still kissing)

I didn’t notice, Emma.

EMMA (still kissing)

I don’t usually do this with a guy I just met.

AL (still kissing)

Me, either.

EMMA (still kissing)

Guess it’s just been so long.

AL (still kissing)

We’re only human.

EMMA (still kissing)

The wine helped.

AL (still kissing)

Wine always helps.

EMMA (still kissing)

You’re single, right? No girlfriend? No wife?

AL (still kissing)

Totally and completely single. And disease-free.

EMMA (still kissing)

Me, too. (Stops kissing) Do you have a condom?

AL

I have five hundred dollars.

EMMA

What?

AL

I have five hundred dollars. (He tries to kiss her and she holds him back.)

EMMA

I’m not a prostitute.

AL

Of course, you’re not. I wouldn’t pay that much. Oh, that didn’t sound right. Not that you’re not worth it. You’re worth more than that. Triple the amount. (Rolls his eyes.) Insert foot in mouth. The money’s in case you get pregnant. (He goes in for a kiss, again and she, again, holds him back.) You know, for an abortion.

EMMA

Whoa! Rather than spend a few bucks on a condom you’d rather spend five hundred on an abortion?

AL

Well, you know, what can I say? I really hate condoms. They’re not fun.

EMMA

You know what else is not fun… abortions.

AL

Well, no, I wouldn’t think they were. It’s a medical procedure. Sort of like getting a tooth pulled. Just saying, don’t worry, you’re covered. I’m your insurance. I’ll pay the bill and even give you a ride if you need one.

EMMA

What if I don’t want an abortion?

AL

Well, you can keep the baby, if you want. That’s your business.

EMMA

Wow. You better go, now.

AL

Look, Emma, I’m sorry if I said anything to offend you, but if you think about it… You’re what? Mid-30s? The odds of you getting pregnant are pretty slim.

EMMA

But you’d rather pay for an abortion than get some birth control.

AL

Look, you’re the one who’s not on the pill, which tells me you care about your body. As do I. That’s why I prefer an abortion to the morning after pill, which can have side effects. Side effects that may include changes in your period, nausea, lower abdominal pain, fatigue, headache, and dizziness. You get an abortion, you just walk it off.

EMMA

Al. Time for you to walk this off. Good night.

(She opens the door for him to leave.)

AL

All right, Emma. Too bad. I think we could have had some fun.

EMMA

Yeah. I’m all torn up inside. The same as if you had stayed.

AL

Call you-

EMMA

No. Good night.

(Al walks out. Emma closes the door. She sits back down on the sofa. The door opens.)

AL

I could pull out.

EMMA

If you don’t, I’ll cut it off.

(She exits into the bedroom. Al quickly follows. Blackout.)

5 comments:

Aly said...

Nice... I think the funniest part is when he pulls out the $500 and says what it's for. Not sure I like the last four or five lines as much as the rest of the sketch. It would be better if they don't go into the bedroom.

After Al says, "I think we could have had some fun," it seems more natural if Emma just says "Maybe." I doubt she'd go into the being all torn up inside, no pun intended route. That's a writer speaking, not a character.

Chris Othic said...

I want to see you make the trip to the clinic in another scene. That could be interesting . . .

Anonymous said...

Yeah, agreed, but more funny I think is the fact he's just trying to give her the money, just in case, as like an assurance, and there doesn't really need to be a follow-up scene. What if she takes the money and all along has one of those female condom things on anyway, sort of like a one night stand semi amateur prostitute thing going on? The dick being cut off at the end isn't original enough, nor is the pulling out compromise. Just my opinion.

Oh, by calling this sketch "abortion lover" it also kills the surprising part with the $500 and what it's for. Maybe call the sketch "Plan B" which is ironically the brand name of the morning after pill?

Joe Janes said...

"Plan B." Nice.

This is a scene where the title came first and after writing it, I realize, no longer fits.

The ending is definitely a typical sketch comedy ending. Looking for something better, for sure.

Anonymous said...

Thanks.

Honestly I think you have much better sketches than this one among the 300 some, and the nice thing about writing one every day is that you have plenty of content to draw from all the time instead of putting all your eggs in the same one or two sketch baskets.