Sunday, December 27, 2009

Week 49, Day 343 - "Phantom Booger"

“Phantom Booger”

Written by Joe Janes

12/27/09

343 of 365

Cast:

Joe, 20s

Tina, 20s

(Lights up on Joe and Tina, an attractive young couple, walking through a park near the lake at night near a bench.)

JOE

Wow, this lake is really beautiful at night.

TINA

Yeah. It’s nice.

JOE

Let’s sit down and enjoy the view.

TINA

Okay.

(Joe sits. Tina sits, but not near him. Joe scoots over.)

JOE

Lovely night. Warm breeze. Lots of stars and a full moon. (Tina starts scratching her nose as Joe puts his arm around her.) Couldn’t ask for a more perfect –

TINA

Oh, I hate this.

JOE

Sorry, what?

(She starts pinching her nose. She grabs his shoulders.)

TINA

Look at me.

JOE (going in for a kiss)

Finally.

TINA

Do you see a booger?

JOE

Uh-

TINA

Look way up in there, Joe. Check for boogers.

JOE

I don’t see any-

TINA

Use your keychain light.

(Joe takes out his keys and looks up her nose with a little light.)

JOE

Clean as a whistle.

TINA

Are you sure? Did you look all the way in?

JOE

If I looked any further in, I’d see your brain.

TINA

Dammit. You ever get one of those?

JOE

One of those what, my love?

TINA

A phantom booger. You feel it. It feels like a rope sticking out of your nostril and you feel like everyone can see it, but there’s nothing there.

JOE

Yeah. I guess I’ve had one of those before at one time or another. Tina, I-

TINA

That’s what I like about you, Joe. You get me.

JOE

Yeah. I get you. There’s something I need-

TINA

Like that time I sharted and you knew exactly what I meant. You were a real gentleman, lending me your coat, like that. Oh, I still owe you for the dry cleaners.

JOE

Don’t worry about it. Glad I could help a damsel in distress. Tina-

TINA

Yes, Joe?

JOE

Don’t you think this evening is romantic?

TINA

Um, sure.

JOE

Talking about bodily functions kind of works against the mood, don’t you think?

TINA

Oh, I’m sorry. I just always say what’s on my mind and what’s going on.

JOE

Which I like. But you never seem to realize when things are romantic. Like the time at that nice restaurant when you burped and threw up a little-

TINA

I shouldn’t have ordered the fois gras. It always does that.

JOE

It was Charlie Trotter’s. We waited two months for our reservation.

TINA

I appreciate it.

JOE

But you don’t show it. Like the time I brought you chocolates.

TINA

I showed my appreciation. I ate them.

JOE

Yes, you did. All of them. While I watched.

TINA

I offered you one.

JOE

And then I waited an hour for you to come out of the bathroom.

TINA

Hey, I tried to keep the conversation going. You’re the one who didn’t want to talk through the door while I dropped bowling pins.

JOE

What I want, Tina, especially in a place like this, is a kiss. A slow kiss. I want to hold your hands as I look into your eyes.

TINA

You tried that earlier. That’s when I first thought I had a booger. I thought you were staring at it.

JOE

You don’t have a romantic bone in your body.

TINA

Sure, I do.

JOE

No, you don’t. You never get me anything just because. I never catch you stealing glances at me.

TINA

Why would I steal glances, you’re right there?

JOE

You never try to kiss me or touch me. You don’t do any of the things I do. Like writing poetry.

TINA

You write poetry?

JOE

Yes, Tina. I wrote a poem about you and recited it to you last night at the bar. “I love how the light hits upon your hairs, my heart is picky and for you it only cares.” All you did was make gagging sounds.

TINA

Oh, that was a poem. I thought you were trying to rap. I wasn’t gagging, I was beat boxing.

JOE (getting up)

Maybe this isn’t going to work out.

TINA

No, Joe. No. We can work this out. I’ll try to be more romantic. Give me another chance.

JOE

The fact that you have to try to be romantic is enough to tell me that we’re probably not meant for each other. Good-bye, Tina.

(He starts to walk off. She stands on the bench.)

TINA

A love poem! By Tina Elise Costello. (Joe stops.) My heart belongs to a boy named Joe/ A guy named Cupid, his arrow he did throw/ Although my heart is full of love it can be a little dumb/ It wishes only for Joe’s love even if it’s just a crumb/ (Joe moves closer to her) His love is always with me and coats me warm with sugar (Joe stands on the bench with her and holds her hands as he looks at her)/ Even when he’s not near, I feel him like a phantom booger.

(They kiss. Tina coughs up something. Blackout.)

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