Written by Joe Janes
12/29/09
345 of 365
CAST:
Brian, 50s
Tom, 40s
Collins, 30s
(Lights up on, Brian, a plain clothes cop throwing a handcuffed Tom into a chair. Another cop, Collins, enters behind them and stands in the background.)
BRIAN
Sit down, Scum.
TOM
I want my lawyer!
BRIAN
All right. All right. We’ll give you your one phone call.
(Collins brings a phone over and puts it on the table as Brian uncuffs one of Tom’s hands and locks the cuff on the table.)
BRIAN
Well?
TOM
I don’t know my lawyer’s number.
COLLINS (pulling out iPhone)
I can google it for you.
BRIAN
Call information.
TOM
But then I’m making two phone calls.
BRIAN
Oh, that’s right.
COLLINS
Actually, information can also dial the number for you. Costs a little more, but it’s technically just one phone call.
BRIAN
There you go.
(Tom dials 411. He presses one for English.)
TOM
I don’t know why they make you press a number if you speak English. English should be the default, you know.
BRIAN
I know. You should press a button if you don’t want English.
COLLINS
There are more Spanish speakers in the U.S. than there are speakers of Chinese, French, Hawaiian, and the Native American languages combined. There are also 45 million Hispanics who speak Spanish as a first and second language and there are 6 million Spanish students, making the US the world's second-largest Spanish-speaking community, only after Mexico and ahead of Spain, Colombia and Argentina. Que pasa?
TOM
Chicago, Illinois… I got a computer.
(Collins starts to speak; Brian holds his hand up to him to not.)
TOM (continuing)
Yeah, I need the number to my lawyer… Peter Francis Geracie. Geracie. It’s, um, J-
COLLINS (looking at his iPhone)
G.
TOM
G…
COLLINS (Tom repeats one letter at a time)
E-R-A-C-I-E. I have the number, too.
TOM
Yeah. Go ahead and connect me… It’s ringing… Oh, crap, it’s voicemail. I have to push a button. Bankruptcy…
BRIAN
No.
TOM
Divorce…
BRIAN
No.
TOM
There’s no “assault on an asshole with a deadly weapon.”
COLLINS
Press “0.” It usually puts you straight through to the office on most systems.
(Tom presses zero.)
TOM
It’s ringing, again… Yes, hello… What?...Oh… Do what, now?... Where are you?... Really?... Okay, I’m listening…
(Brian looks at Collins who shrugs that he doesn’t know what’s going on.)
TOM
Okay, thank you… I hope you enjoy being in Indiana…Oh, India. (He hangs up.)
BRIAN
Well?
TOM
Apparently, he only sees clients who are Facebook fans. Can I use a computer?
BRIAN
What the hell is happening to this world? We can’t drag a computer in here.
COLLINS
You can use my iPhone-
TOM
Does reading me my rights still count?
COLLINS
-just as soon as I tweet you your rights.
(Blackout.)
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