Week 12, Day 82 - “Pitch Bleak”

“Pitch Bleak”
Written by Joe Janes
4/10/09
82 of 365

CAST
Martin, 50s
Phill, 20s
Agnes, 20s
DD, late 40s


(Lights up on Martin and two writers, Phill and Agnes, in a small coffee shop in LA. The writers look nervous. Martin is sipping espresso.)

MARTIN

We’re looking for a new project for DD. Whatever you do, don’t use the word “comeback.” He’ll walk out on you. I’ve seen him do it. But just between you, me and the espresso machine, this is a last ditch effort to get him back in the limelight. Otherwise, he’ll have to wait until he’s in his 70’s and hope for a Shatner-style revival. Are we on the same page, here?

PHILL

Totally.

AGNES

We understand. We’re grateful for the opportunity, Martin.

MARTIN

Here he comes.

(DD enters. He is in his late 40s. Wears sunglasses and a ball cap. He takes off the cap and glasses and looks around. He sighs when no one recognizes him.)

MARTIN

DD! Good to see you! (He hugs DD) Did you get those Cuban cigars I sent you?

DD

No, I don’t think so.

MARTIN

Hmm. I’ll cut the balls off my assistant and send another box over wrapped in the flesh of his scrotum.

DD

As long as it doesn’t affect the taste.

(Martin over laughs at this.)

MARTIN

Oh my God, DD. You bring tears to my eyes. If another comedy comes our way, we have to grab it. We have to.

DD

Fine with me. No babies, no dogs. Unless I get to kill them.

MARTIN (laughing)

Stop it. Stop it. You’re killing me. Have a seat, have a seat. Let me introduce you to two of the hottest young writers in Hollywood. Phill Magnuson and Agnes Hill.

DD

Have I seen anything you might have done?

MARTIN

Sure, you have. Sure, you have. You’ve seen that TV show about the doctors and the cops, “St. Justice” – the one in the prison hospital?

DD

You guys write for “St. Justice”? I love that show.

PHILL

We do the webisodes.

DD

Oh.

AGNES

They’re very good.

MARTIN

Watch ‘em on my cell phone all the time. You should, too.

(Awkward pause)

PHILL

I’m a big fan of your work, Mr. Johnson.

DD

Call me, DD.

PHILL

DD.

AGNES

Loved “Beverly Hills Equestrian.”

DD

Thanks. You know, they let me write my own dialogue for that.

PHILL

Really? You came up with, “Buck off, asshole”?

DD

I ad-libbed the “asshole” part.

AGNES

Nice touch.

DD

Are they going to suck my dick all day or we going to do this thing?

MARTIN

Good call, DD. Let’s do this thing. Phill and Agnes have been working on a few ideas. Phill… let’s hear the cop one first.

PHILL

Um, okay. Okay. DD, you play a drunk who gets pulled over by the cops. One cop is a Jew; the other is a black guy. One of them might be a woman, as well, or gay, or both. Belligerent drunken racial slurs fly aplenty – great opportunity for your adlib skills, right?

AGNES

It all gets caught on the cop’s dashboard camera and leaked to the press. We’re talking big impact here.

PHILL

Maximum exposure. News outlets, viral, a defiant, yet pathetic mug shot.

AGNES

Anger management, public apologies. Could draw the exposure out for months. At least a year. Maybe two.

PHILL

Then a producer takes a chance on you. Boom - Blockbuster movie. Oscar.

AGNES

Happy ending.

DD

I don’t know.

MARTIN

Let’s keep it open as a possibility. It is a big time commitment.

DD

I was hoping for something more altruistic. Maybe help out some animals or AIDS patients.

MARTIN

DD, we could go that way, but that’s so 90s. Save it for the nostalgia crowd. We need to start thinking quick and dirty and now. What’s going to give us the biggest bang for our buck, right?

DD

I guess.

MARTIN

What else you got?

AGNES

Well, honestly, it would be easier if you were a woman with a substance abuse problem and a little slutty. Well, a lot slutty. If benders and racial slurs aren’t your style, we might want to look at “the awkward interview.”

DD

Awkward interviews?

PHILL

You know, get you on Letterman or Leno. Have you be unresponsive. You‘ll be all over the Internet the next day. Heck, the next hour. Real water cooler stuff.

DD

Hard to be unresponsive. I like those guys.

AGNES

It’s easy. You leave your shades on. Don’t shave. You chew gum or do dipping tobacco. Swear a few times. Mumble. Tell him your changing careers.

PHILL

Like, becoming a rapper.

DD

I don’t rap.

PHILL

Even better.

AGNES

Pick a fight with someone in the audience.

PHILL

The idea is to create tension. Painful, can’t-look-away tension.

DD

Can’t I just do another movie? One of those independent, work-for-scale things?

MARTIN

The problem, DD, is that before those offers can come rolling in, we have to get you on people’s radars, again. “Beverly Hills Equestrian 4 – Ride Hard” tanked. We need to think “You.” Front and center. In the spotlight. See what I’m saying?

DD

I just want to make movies.

MARTIN

These are movies, DD. And you’re the star. Not your usual movies. Not on the big screen. You have to expand your definition of what a movie is these days. You are the movie. With today’s technology, it’s not enough just to shoot films and show up at premieres. The public doesn’t care about that stuff anymore. You have to get their attention. Get under their skin. Give them something to talk about.

DD

I came to Hollywood to be the next Harrison Ford. And I was, for a little while. People complain about autograph hunters and paparazzi. But it’s worse when they’re not there at all. I want people seeking me out because they like me, admire me. See me on the big screen and see me as a role model. Not because I made a humiliating public display of myself. Never thought I’d say this. Maybe I’ll just go back to working on my dad’s farm.

(Pause)

PHILL

That’s brilliant.

AGNES

Oh, my God. What a story.

PHILL

Big Hollywood star leaves the glitter to go back to his roots.

AGNES

Leaves the big time to become a farmer.

MARTIN

From tits to teats. I smell reality TV here.

PHILL

We get you on a talk show wearing overalls.

AGNES

Wearing a straw hat.

DD

Not really that kind of farm. Soybeans and corn. I’ll probably mostly do paperwork.

MARTIN

Doesn’t matter. Let us handle the story. I can get you on Fallon tomorrow. Pack your bags.

PHILL

That really is a brilliant idea, DD.

AGNES

This is why you’re the star.

DD

You guys really think we can make this into something? Get my film career cooking, again?

MARTIN (nodding and holding cell phone)

I have the head of Fox reality programming on my speed dial. This thumb is about to make you millions of dollars. Tell your wife and kids they’re moving to small town America and living on a farm.

DD

It’s actually only about an hour from here.

MARTIN

We don’t need to tell people that.

(Blackout.)