Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Week One, Day Three - "Lottery Winner"

LOTTERY WINNER
Written by Joe Janes
1/21/08
3 of 365

CAST:
PETE – 50’s, a little heavy
JERI- 40’s
CHANCE – 60’s
JED – late 20’s

(Lights up on Pete’s Auto Shop. Jeri is downstage left fixing a truck tire. Chance works under a car up on a hydraulic lift. Pete enters.)

PETE
Still not here?

JERI
Still not here.

PETE
That prick is fired.

JERI
Again?

CHANCE
Wait and see what’s going on, Pete. You don’t know. Could’ve been an accident.

PETE
It’s usually an accident when that asshole shows up on time.
(Jed enters)

JED
Guess what motherfuckers? I just won the lottery.

JERI
Holy shit!

CHANCE
That’s great, Jed. Congratulations.

JED
Fate and the Nebraska State Lottery have shined their light on my numbers.

JERI
You are one lucky son of a bitch, Jed.

JED
Thank you, Jeri.

PETE
He ain’t lucky.

JED
What do you mean I ain’t lucky? You got shit in your ears?

PETE
Chance?

CHANCE
You ain’t lucky. Look, you play the lottery every day, right? Same numbers, right? If I flip a coin and keep flipping it till it comes up heads, am I lucky? Or just persistent.

PETE
And the fact that it did come up heads ain’t luck. It’s an accident. You are an accident. Fate had nothing to do with it. The only thing you have to feel lucky about is that I haven’t fired you yet.

JED
Just can’t be happy for someone, can you, Pete? I won and it eats you up.

PETE
You won. La-di-fucking-da. That Miata needs a new converter. It ain’t gonna fix itself. Get on it.

JED
Pete. Read my lips. I’m rich.

PETE
So, what, you want me to treat you like the queen and get you a cup of tea?

JED
No, Pete. I want a cup of respect. I just got me more money than I have ever had in my life. It’s called “fuck you” money.

CHANCE
What’s “fuck you” money?

JED
Well, Chance, “fuck you” money is when you have so much dough, someone tells you to do something, you don’t care, you don’t need the money, so…fuck you.


JERI
I get it.

JED
Pete, ask me to work on the Miata, again.

PETE
I don’t think-

JED
Fuck you! That’s what I think about working on that Miata.

PETE
Then why are you here, Jed?

JED
Because I wanted to tell you to your face, Pete, that you can spread your ass cheeks and shove this job up your exhaust pipe. I have worked in this stink hole since I dropped out of high school. I got oil and grease everywhere. Wedged up in my fingernails, all over the towels of my mom’s bathroom, all over my clothes even after I clean them. We work long hours; it’s either a meat locker or a sauna in here, sometimes both in one day. I’m always standing or squatting. I’m sick of standing or squatting. I want to lie down for a while. I want to trade in this fifteen pounds of alabaster beer gut for sipping some mojitos on a beach somewhere. Watch the sun go down over the ocean for the rest of my life. I want out of here. Anything’s better than staying here and smelling this nauseating swirl of gasoline, oil, Aqua Velva (indicates Chance), cat pee (indicates Jeri) and ass (Pete).

PETE
Fine, Jed. Congratulations. Get your tools and hit the road. Enjoy picking the sand out of your crack
.
(Pete starts to walk off)

JED
I will. I won’t, but I will. I’m going straight from here to the bank to deposit my $20,000 check.

(Pete stops)
PETE (laughing)
What?

JED
That’s right, motherfuckers. 20,000 summolliyas.

JERI
Is that what they’re paying you a month, Jed?


JED
A month? No. I won $20,000. One steamy lump sum.

CHANCE
That’s really not very much, Jed.

JED
I won the lottery. You’re just jealous.

PETE
Do the math, genius.

JED
I know how to count to 20,000.

PETE
Once you pay the taxes on it, we’re talking maybe 13,000.

JERI
That’s only half of what you make here in a year.

CHANCE
Six months and you’ll be looking for a job, again.

PETE
Less than that because I’ll tell you exactly what you are going to do with it. Instead of investing it in a retirement fund, which you won’t cuz you think it’s so far away you’ll be for real rich or dead by the time you get there, you’re going to buy yourself an X-Box and a big flat screen TV with surround sound, then you’ll probably pick up an iPod and computer that’s more tricked out than you’ll ever need, maybe then you’ll buy that electric guitar and amp you’ve always wanted and it will be sweet and go to waste because you’ll never learn to play it. And then if, IF, there’s any money left, you’ll invest it in tittie bars and beer. “I’m rich.” Fucktard.

(Pete exits. Jed starts putting on coveralls.)

JERI
Aren’t you going to the bank?

JED
It can wait. That Miata’s not going to fix itself.

(They all work in silence for a moment)

CHANCE
Hey, Jed. You’re still more rich than me.

JERI
Me, too. (pause) Do I really smell like cat pee?

(Chance and Jed slowly nod. Everyone continues working. Lights fade)

6 comments:

Old Ned said...

I like these guys and this sketch. I hope you bring them back again later in the year. Keep up the good work!

Paul said...

Jed wouldn't care about mojitos. Otherwise, painfully accurate.

Joe Janes said...

Good catch, Paul. He's probably more about Corona's because of the commercials. The use of the word "mojito" is me placing "funny sounding" over "authentic." You can make the same case for his use of the word "alabaster." In retrospect, I don't think that word would ever be listed in his vocabulary.

Enya's Assassin said...

I like this one, but I'm still not sold on the ending. Not bad, but there must be something better than a cat pee callback, no? Of course, when I type "cat pee callback" it sounds funny, so what do I know?

Another nitpicky thing is Jed's last line "That Miata’s not going to fix itself." I realize you are mirroring what Pete tells him earlier, to show Pete is defeated, but it doesn't ring true. I imagine Jed would say something different, or at least add some good curse words to that sentence. Nitpicky, I know.

Joe Janes said...

Not sure I agree with you, Chris. Pete sobered him up. He's resigned, hurt, and defeated, but not angry. If anything, he might say, "Stupid Miata's not going to fix itself."

Joe Janes said...

And, you're right, the "cat pee" callback is a gimmicky way to get out of the scene. But I like it. I think it is something Jeri would be wondering about.