Saturday Morning Cartoons!

Hey, Gang - I'm in a small town near a small lake in Wisconsin and internet access has been sketchy. Here's the Saturday Morning Cartoon. I will update the news quiz on Sunday. Thanks for tuning in! - Joe

The Banana Splits Adventure Hour! (1968-1970)




The Banana Splits was another fictional band that had mad-cap Monkees-like slapstick fun and music. Their main playground was an amusement park. I'm not sure which one, but it was a part of Kings Island's chain. In fact, they all had a Hanna-Barbera Land. I used to love the Scooby-Doo roller coaster and the boat ride through Hanna-Barbera Land (imagine my shock and disgust when I returned to King's Island in the '80's to find the boat ride converted into a celebration of Smurf Land!). Being a kid's show in support of an amusement park wasn't a new idea. It was just a poor man's version of The Wonderful World of Disney.

The show was hosted by the Splits, often terrorized by a disturbing group of go-go girls called The Sour Grapes Bunch, and featured cartoons and live action serial adventures, like "Danger Island."

Richard Donner - yes, THAT Richard Donner - was one of the directors. You can tell by the slapstick in these shows where he gets his flair (or intense lack of) for action sequences and ham-fisted humor.

Here's a sample of the buffoonery, complete with the opening theme song that, if you are not familiar with The 'Nanners, you have probably heard and not known what it was from.

Here are the lyrics so you can sing along...

Tra la la, la la la la.
Tra la la, la la la la.
Tra la la, la la la la.
Tra la la, la la la la.

One banana, two banana, three banana, four.
Four bananas make a bunch and so do many more.
Over hill and highway the banana buggies go
Comin' on to bring you The Banana Splits Show.

Makin up a mess of fun
Makin up a mess of fun
Lot's of fun for everyone.

Tra la la, la la la la.
Tra la la, la la la la.
Tra la la, la la la la.
Tra la la, la la la la.

Four banana, three banana, two banana, one.
All bananas playing in the bright warm sun.
Flippin like a pancake, poppin like a cork
Fleagle, Bingo, Drooper and Snork.

Tra la la, la la la la.
Tra la la, la la la la.
Tra la la, la la la la.
Tra la la, la la la la.

Two Banana, four banana, one banana, three
Swinging like a bunch of monkeys hanging from a tree
Hey there everybody won't you come along and see
How much like Banana Splits everyone can be

Making up a mess of fun,
Making up a mess of fun
Lots of fun for everyone

Tra la la, la la la la, Tra la la, la la la la
Tra la la, la la la la, Tra la la, la la la la

Make-A-Hero

ROBOWRITER ASSIGNMENT

Thank you, Chris Othic, for filling in for me last night.

The assignment, very simply, is to write a superhero scene. There are two ways to approach this. Create your own superhero or put a new spin on an old one. These scenes are fun to write, but can also be challenging to make interesting to anyone other than YOU!

In both angles, the characters are in grave danger of coming out two-dimensional. In creating a superhero, you might spend a lot of attention on what their main super power is and not give them any humanity. In the second, you might take that well-known superhero and go the easy dark road. What, he cusses? What, he does drugs? What, he's a slob? What, he wears tights and hangs out with young boys? The tough part is making it something we haven't seen.

One way to start is with the most defining part of a superhero, their power. Make a list of 10 super powers that you've never heard of or that you really wish you had.

Here's Chris's list:

1. Project emotions on other people

2. Read dirty thoughts of others (but only their dirty thoughts)

3. See people naked

4. Find parking spots at will

5. Turn water into Bud Light

6. Turn people into puppies

7. Impregnate women by looking at them

8. Detect when the train is coming

9. Tell weights and measure by sight

10. Sing like anyone you want to

Now pair each item on that list with someone who is most unlikely to have that power.

1. Two year old

2. Nun

3. Blind Man

4. Homeless Guy

5. AA Sponsor

6. A cat lady

7. 16 year old nerd

8. Keanu Reeves

9. Football Coach

10. Preacher

Now pick three of these and give them a cheesy (or not) super hero name.

Chris picked 1) the nun who heard people's dirty thoughts (Big Mother--as in "Big Mother is Watching You"; 2) Cat lady who turned people into puppies (The Puppler); and 3) 16 year old nerd that could impregnate women by looking at them (The Impregnanator)

Now create a villian to go along with your hero. It might be one of your three from above. The villian usually has powers that directly oppose the hero's.

Big Mother vs Pervo - he gives people really dirty thoughts

The Puppler vs Fire Hydrant Man - maybe he distracts all those puppies with his fire hydrants?

Impregnanator vs Captain Abortion - although maybe he would be a better sidekick

Another approach to this scene is to craft your hero first by figuring out who you would like to see have a super power that we you don't normally associate with the Clark Kents and Bruce Waynes of the world. Using something from your own life is a good place to start. For six months, I once temp-ed in the accounting department of a huge real estate conglomerate. I sat next to a woman probably named Mildred. She was probably in her 50's, a little squat and frumpy and I'm pretty sure that thing on her head was either a wig or a Chia pet. She had a little portable radio on her desk always barely audio and barely tuned to a soft rock station. Mildred will be my superhero.

Now, what powers will she have? I've already got her day job and alter ego. I imagine she gets summoned secretly by the Chief of Police via dedications read by dee-jays on the soft rock station. She seemed to spend most of her day typing and licking things (envelopes, mostly), so those will be her two big powers - speedy fingers and projectile moisture. I will call her The Administrator. She multi-tasks justice.

Now, that I have that, I just need to craft a scenario where her super powers will come into play. It could be via her arch enemy, which could be anything from The Merger to The De-Filer.
And, of course, your hero needs someone to save. So, perhaps Billy the temp has been trapped in the records room by The De-Filer and he's already made quite a mess. Etc, etc, etc.

Focus on heightening the scene by exploring their powers and vulnerabilities. The scene can be anything you want and doesn't necessarily have to be "heroic." Maybe The Impregnanator and Captain Abortion work at McDonald's together. You can also choose to forget the villian and just do a scene focusing on your hero and his powers and how they affect his daily life.

Have fun!



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"This summer, waters off of central California are being invaded by what?"

The popular answer with 57% responding was "Surfing MILFS." If it's not already a website, it should be. Please send me the royalties

14% answered "E. Coli." Nah. Sadly, that's a given at any beach.

No one fell for "Cuddle Shark." While I'm sure even a shark needs a hug once in awhile, those are two words that do not belong together.

The correct answer, which 29% got, is "Giant Squid."

According to the Associated Press, these seven feet long, 110 pound cephalopods have been quite a problem as they have been preying on the anchovy and hake, competing with tuna, sharks and commercial fishermen. They used to only be found near the equater in the Pacific, but have been expanding their operation to as far north as Alaska. Scientists think it might have to do with either the warming of the ocean or a decrease in the population of those that prey on the rather phallic fish, mainly swordfish, large tuna, shark and surfing MILFS.

Almost Almost Famous!

I won my first award for my blog. By the way, I'm not a fan of that word. When it comes out my mouth, it sounds something like "buh-law-GUH."

It's called The Thinking Blogger Award and I received it from Don Hall. You're probably thinking, "Hey, he's your friend. Isn't that sort of like getting an award from your mom?" No. It's not. Don's a bit of a hard ass. And if my mom gave me an award it would be called The That's Nice, Dear Award. Don's also not the originator of it.

The origin of this award is The Thinking Blog.

1. If, and only if, you get tagged, write a post with links to 5 blogs that make you think,
2. Link to this post so that people can easily find the exact origin of the meme,
3. Optional: Proudly display the 'Thinking Blogger Award' with a link to the post that you wrote (you have a choice of a silver version or a gold one).

This award has really gone to my head. I plan on using it to parlay my superstar celebrity as a presence on the Internet. I'm talking big, paparazzi, coke habit, plastic surgery, going outside without my underwear on BIG!

I'm already practicing for when my mugshot gets plastered all over the news. This is my high out of my mind mugshot.


Check out the veins in the forehead and the intense anger-to-tears expression. Tabloid gold!

And this is my "incarcerated, but still hot" mugshot.


This just screams, "I'm naughty, but still love me all you little people." Gee, I hope Don doesn't ask for the award back after this post.

Here are the five bloggers that make me think and I am shining the bright light of this award on them.

1) Pete Ficht and Paul Custodio at The Graffiti Table.
They dazzle you with a lot of silly stuff while slipping in some smart and smartass commentary on advertising, music and the state of the nation.

2) Jane Espenson at Jane in Progress.
Jane is one of my favorite television writers. Equally savvy at comedy and drama as evidenced by her work on Buffy, Firefly and Battlestar Galactica. She also lets you know what she had for lunch that day and it's gotten to where I would be disappointed if she ever stopped doing that.

3) Ken Levine at By Ken Levine.
Ken's one of the masters of the situation comedy. He's firmly rooted in history, as with his work on M*A*S*H, but he's not stuck there. He's got a lot of good stuff to say about comedy writing, television, the world and baseball.

4) Mike Gerber at mikegerber.com.
Mike is one smart, funny cookie. An excellent parodist and novelist. His daily commentaries are like a mint for your brain.

5) Adam Felber at Fanatical Apathy.
Adam's a regular on "Wait, Wait...Don't Tell Me!" and his off-kilter patriotic wit bleeds red, white and blue all over this blog.

I check these blogs every day. They make me think and they make me laugh. Of course, three out the five have never heard of me, but, oh, well. They make me think, I'm giving them an award. That's America!


ROBOWRITERS IS TONIGHT

AT 6:30PM AT THE UPTOWN WRITER'S SPACE!COME AND HAVE YOUR COMEDY SKETCH HEARD!

THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"You're at a nightclub with your friend Billy Bibbet and he has an epileptic fit. According to medical experts, you should..."


No one picked "Call an ambulance, quick!" By the time they get there, the seizure will have passed and you'll be stuck with an ambulance bill, plus their drinks.

16% answered "Pretend he's dancing and join in!" Close, but it only works if you're wearing a toga and shout, "Gator!"

The popular answer with 66% was "Shove your tri-fold velcro wallet in his mouth!" A lot of people think you have to do this to keep the person from swallowing their tongue. Have you ever tried to swallow your tongue, or anyone else's? Unless it's part of a sandwich, it can't be done.

The correct answer, also with 16%, is "Whoa, give the dude some space!"

According to s recent report on the BBC, there are many potentially harmful myths about what to do when someone is having seizure, including the "shove something in their mouth" myth which could block their air passage. The best thing you can do is make sure they are safe and let it run its course, usually less than five minutes.

And yell, "GATOR!"

Part(y)-Time, U.S.A.!

I'm not always the sharpest dart hitting the board when it comes to labor laws. Yesterday, I got it all worked up in my head how I was going to write about how Universal Health Care would improve the quality of education in the U.S. My main point was the false assumption that educational institutions rely heavily on part-time employees because once you make people full-time, you have to give them health insurance. And that's why it's in an employer's best financial interests to keep a bevy of part-time employees in their Rolodex. In fact, I thought that was true for all businesses. Turns out, that's not true. It may be true in some states, but not in Illinois.

It's hard to find data on this. Go ahead and take a peek at the Departments of Labor for the U.S. and for Illinois. I couldn't find anything that says full-time employees must receive even a minimum of health insurance. All I could find is that what distinguishes a part-timer from a full-timer is entirely up to the employer! You can work 40 hours a week or more and still be considered part-time.

There are a whole bunch of variables on what an employer can or will offer for health insurance and it usually boils down to what they are willing to pay to keep you happy. That's why a lot of people are willing to leave jobs they love for suckier jobs with better health plans. Usually, employers begrudgingly offer health insurance if it helps them keep their employees from jumping ship or trying to unionize.

I think I still have a case for my theory, but I've never had such a tough time gathering information on-line. Your thoughts on this would be greatly appreciated.

I have two part-time jobs as a teacher - one at a private institution and one that has to follow state regulations on education - and it kind of pisses me off. I love both my jobs. Absolutely head-over-heels in love with them. I want to marry them in a more-than-one-wife Mormon kind of way. I tout their benefits to anyone and everyone. I'm proud of the work I do. I feel like I make a difference at these jobs, but I can't survive on their income - my girlfriend will attest to that! I'm fine when both are in swing at the same time, but that's the problem with part-time jobs. I only get paid when I work. No vacation days, no sick days, no health insurance, no 401k. And, in my case, no guarantee on the number of classes.

Now, at one of the places, to be fair, there is a union for part-time employees. It ensures us decent wage increases and a few other perks, like a sick day or two, tuition remission, and a 10% discount at Target (on-line only)and $2 off at The Hair Cuttery, but that's about it.

A class can be cancelled at the last minute at either place and the income I planned on for the next few months is gone. Poof! At both places, 80-90% of the faculty is made up of part-time teachers. At one of the places, it looks like they are about to hire more teachers. They take on five to ten new teachers every year anyway as part of a training program, so this is even on top of that.

And this got me thinking... why?

Why not have fewer people work full-time and keep the quality of the education - or whatever the product is - high? Surely, it's easier to ensure the quality if there's only a dozen people on the same page than trying to get sixty or more keeping the bar high. And won't that dozen be happier making a living at what they love more than anything?

Maybe business is that good? Are we going to be overloading our classrooms and going to have to start teaching in the park?

Nope. That's not it. Must be another reason.

I know, it's still about saving money!!!

I can think of two reasons to load up on part-timers in any business.

1) New hires work at a lower wage. More experienced teachers making more per hour end up working less.

2) If a smaller group of people are working more hours - enough to build a decent living on - then guess what? The bastards are going to want more! They'll want superfluous things like health insurance, weekly salaries and vacation days. And they will have more leverage to get it because they're the only ones we've got! Did I hear someone whisper "union"? Yikes! Fire them all! Call Manpower! See if they have any improv teachers!

It's not just where I work. This is happening all over. It's been happening in the restaurant industry since the first burger got flipped (read Fast Food Nation). It all boils down to how much you care about what you are selling. If you care little and people are still buying it, nothing's going to change. If you care, then it's time to invest in people. Nurture the ones you have and watch the quality grow.

Universal Health Care would help education and all employers because it would take off the pressure and expense to deliver something that should be our human right.


THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"Kim Jong-Il's favorite magician injured herself while performing which stunt?"

33% answered The Sharp Blades of Destiny Illusion.

55% answered The Spinning Rabbits of Fire and Self-Reliance Illusion, but I think that was more an expressed desire to see spinning bunnies ablaze.

Everyone wisely avoided The Spoiled Child with Nuclear Weapons Illusion.

The correct answer is The Spike Illusion in the Face of Death.

According to the AFP, Japanese magician Princess Tenko, who often performs for North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il at his request, was supposed to escape from a box on the moment it was spiked with 10 fake swords, but instead they trapped her inside. She broke her right cheek and a few ribs.

In an interview earlier this year, Tenko said she spoke about entertainment with Kim, whose regime has tense relations with Japan.

"He seemed to have thought I was American and he praised me for my success in the US despite being Japanese," Tenko said.

Here she is floating, blissfully thinking about Kim Jong-Il.

Somebody Likes Your Stuff

We started the rehearsal process last week for the WNEP Dada show which means my mind keeps slipping down back alleys and making up poems. Completely without my permission. Here's one. Not very Dada, but I thought it was fun.


Somebody Likes Your Stuff

You think you've got chubby thighs.

Believe me, there's somebody out there who wants to put ice-cream on those chubby thighs.

Freaking out about the freckles on your nose.

There's someone out there who sees nothing but constellations in them.

Moles are nothing but chocolate chips.

As we merrily march towards our inevitable deaths... Cheer up.

No matter what you've got and no matter how you feel about it.

Somebody likes your stuff.

Sober, even.


THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

On Monday, I asked this question...

"A trucker in England is suing his employer for discrimination ever since they found out what about him?"

33% answered "His middle name is Obama." Nah, they don't care about that sort of ridiculous stuff. It's England, not America!

16% answered "He gives handicapped people rides." Nope. They have to use their own wheels. Or crutches. Or stumps.

50% answered "He can't reach the peddles." Actually, he can. Especially when he wears his CFM pumps.

If you haven't guessed, the correct answer, which nobody got, is "He wears dresses."

According to the UK newspaper The Daily Mail, Mike was a well-respected top truck driver until he informed his bosses he was a transsexual, changed his name to Vikki-Marie and started wearing dresses to work. They started cancelling her regular shifts and co-workers who were once her friends started to taunt her. Vikki-Marie used to be a soldier, has been married twice and has a teenage daughter. And she really looks tough in a dress. A very difficult look to pull off. You go girl!

Standing Up

From approximately 1986 to 1991, I made my living as a stand-up comedian. There was quite a stand-up comedy boon going on at the time, probably due to the infiltration of cable television into our homes in the '80's and the cheap and easy way stand-up specials filled the airwaves.

My first professional gig was after my first year at college at a club called Giggles just south of Toledo in Perrysburg, Ohio in 1981. They were one of the first chain comedy clubs to emerge that decade. On Sunday nights, they hosted an open mic night. The winner got to come back that week to be the opening act for the headliner plus $50. Even then, club owners knew how to save a buck! For four weeks in a row, I would write material at home, practice it, and come in and do ten minutes. I was disappointed at losing the first few times, but felt good about my sets and my friends encouraged me to keep trying. The fourth time, I won and got to come back to open for Bruce Baum. Bruce Baum was pretty huge at the time. He was a regular on a game show called Me Me Laugh and had just come out with a popular novelty song called Marty Feldman Eyes - a very funny parody of Bette Davis Eyes.

I was in heaven that week and really got a taste of what it's like to perform stand-up every night with an audience. Bruce Baum was a great guy who let me ask a lot of questions about the business. When I went back to college, I found a club in Dayton, Ohio called Wylie's that I developed a relationship with. I became a "go to" guy for them when they needed an emcee or last minute replacement. It was never a huge source of income. Just a creative outlet. I stopped doing it near the end of college because I just needed to focus on having a job and making money. About a year later, my girlfriend at the time who knew about my stand-up past took me to the Red Dog Saloon in Cincinnati for an open mic. I ran into friends I hadn't seen in years and they encouraged me to start coming in and getting back up on stage. And so I did.

Right at this time, stand-up comedy was becoming big all over. Wylie's was selling out every weekend. A Funnybone moved into Cinci. Suddenly, open mic-ers found they could find enough work to start building a career. Once I was able to book a month's worth of work, I quit my job as a nightclub dee-jay.

A lot of people have the misconception that stand-up is a very cut throat-y back-stabby business. I never had that experience nor did most of my friends. If another stand-up liked your work, he or she told you. If they had a suggestion on a way to improve upon a joke or your act, they shared it. If they knew a club or a booker they could help you get in with, they helped.

One of the most generous guys I ever worked with was a Cincinnati home boy named Michael Flannery. Sometimes I would find myself stuck out on the road with a week to kill. Well, that can be a huge financial drain. Michael let me share his hotel room in Detroit once while he was working Chaplin's with Dennis Miller. So, not only did I get a free room for a week, I got to meet Dennis Miller at the height of his SNL popularity. And for the record, he was a really nice guy. He bought us drinks and told us stories about SNL all without us having to beg, which we would have done gladly. Michael helped me get over an unrequited love I had for a waitress in Kalamazoo by sitting up with me playing Wheel of Fortune on a computer and sipping Nyquil (hey - the bars were closed!). The greatest thing Michael ever did for me was get me an Emmy for writing. He hosted an afternoon kid's show in Cinci and asked me to write some character monologues for him, which I gladly did and for free. Unbeknownst to me, he submitted the final product to the Emmy review board. And I won. Pretty cool. Michael has become quite a celebrity in Cinci, even using his gifts to help kids with special needs. Check out this video. (If you watch this video, you'll be flabbergasted to find out this TV station didn't renew his contract this year. They're fools! He got them tons of community lovin' with his work. One of the other stations in the Ohio Valley would be smart to pick up Mike.)

My stand-up career came to an end for several reasons. One, I was single and pretty lonely on the road. I felt the need to be more grounded and, hopefully, find a girlfriend. Two, my act was becoming something I didn't like. It was becoming more vulgar as I started to go for the lowest common denominator just to get laughs. And three, I was a horrible businessman. I never negotiated for more money, I took gigs that paid shit, I didn't promote myself well with booking agents or the press.

So, here are the lessons I learned from stand-up...

- If you want to be on TV or film, move to LA. Maybe NYC, but really, more likely LA. I opened for several comics that ended up working very lucrative jobs in television. They did that by going to LA.

- Talent doesn't speak for itself. Being good only gets you so far. If you don't know the business side of things, then assemble a team of people, like an agent and a manger, that believe in you and will take care of you.

- Always work on your craft. Always hone your unique perspective. I was not very disciplined in this area. I did what I thought was funny. I read papers and watched the news for material, but I didn't hunt it down. If it came to me, I used it. If it worked, I kept it. My act was a little schizophrenic because of my laziness. Talking about silly family or dating things, surreal one-liners here and there and political humor. But always ending on a dick joke. I even had a couple of prop bits (look out, Carrot Top!).

I cherish my stand-up days and occassionally think of trying it again, but for myself.

Until then, I'll just keep telling you what I think is funny.

THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

On Saturday, I asked this question...

"On Monday (today), crewmen on the International Space Station will be taking a spacewalk for what purpose?"

Nobody fell for "Just going out for a leisurely stroll." Although I hear the stars are lovely this time of year.

33% answered "Just fixing that damn antenna." They really haven't had any problems since they got high-speed cable installed.

Another 33% said "Just checking on the neighbors." Sorry, no one else has moved into their interstellar cul-de-sac.

The correct answer, that 33% of you knew, is "Just taking out the garbage." According to Rueters, nearly 1600 pounds of obsolete gear is going to be hauled out to the curb to ultimately burn up in the atmosphere as it falls to earth. Unfortunately, it takes about 300 days to do that. So, til then, the Vulcans are going to look down their pointy ears at us and our space litter.

Saturday Morning Cartoons!

The Archie Comedy Hour (1969)

Okay. I wasn't much for comic books when I was a kid. There was only one comic I ever bugged my parents to buy me. I even went on to get a subscription to it. It was The Archies. I thought Jughead was hysterical and Betty and Veronica were HOT!

In 1968, CBS had a big hit with "The Archie Show" based on the comics. They came back the next year with an expanded format, "jumping the shark" before that phrase was even coined. They added a bunch of cute characters, including Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, and made the gang a band. Which is kind of weird. Nobody liked Reggie, and yet, there he is, in the band. Guess they were hard up for a rhythm guitarist.

This was the age of bubblegum pop music where music producers would manufacture bands and rapidly release songs trying to score number one hits. I'm sure the success of The Monkees had a little something to do with this. Producer Don Kirschner had a hand in both. The Archies would play a rather disposable piece if candy-coated music every week. One of them became a huge hit. Of course, I'm talking about the appropriately named "Sugar, Sugar." It was number one hit in the United States - knocking The Rolling Stones "Honky Tonk Woman" out of the spot - and it was a number one hit in the UK, as well.

Other than "The Banana Splits," I can't think of another group of fictional characters who didn't really sing or play instruments fronting an international number one hit (other than Villi Manilli). The promotional machine behind this hit was pretty crazy. You didn't need to go to a record store to find the single. Honey Combs cereal had cheap vinyl versions built in to the back of their cereal boxes!

The actual performers were an anonymous group of session musicians and, during the run of the show, were never seen or interviewed so as not to spoil the magic of The Archies.





THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked,

"A woman entered a library in Fort Smith, Arkansas yesterday (Thursday) and demanded what?"

20% picked "They hand over the new Harry Potter book - nice and easy." (I thought this would be the higher scorer, given its timeliness and all.)

20% said "They stop dating that fancy talking new music teacher." (Thank you for getting The Music Man reference.)

50% thought it was "They stop harassing her for an overdue book." (Must of been a lot of you burned by overzealous librarians.)

The correct answer, that 10% of you got, was "They hand over their moo-la."

That's right, she robbed the joint. According to the Associated Press, she entered the library with her face covered with a bandanna, handed the librarian a note demanding cash and implying she had a weapon. The bandit made off with less than $20 from the petty cash. Maybe this was a starter robbery and she's working her way up to banks. Maybe they should have referred her to "How to Get Rich with Armed Robbery." Any way, I hope they throw the book at her. And not at me for that last line.