The Spy Who Dated Me

I'm still working on a heavy deadline with a corporate writing gig, so I decided to take the opportunity to beef up the "writing samples" section of BS.

Here is a scene I wrote earlier this year while developing material for a Teatro Bastardo show. I didn't like it and never showed it to anyone until a few months ago. It's one of those cases where the writer truly is the worst judge of his or her own material. It's also a lesson in giving yourself enough time to let something "cool off" so you can go back and look at it with fresh eyes. Although, I don't think that cool off period needs to be six months! When writing the first draft, I set my expectations too high. I wanted to write something gut-bustingly funny, dark and edgy. This ain't that, so I was disappointed. Now, I really like it. It's a lot of fun. I hope you enjoy it.

THE SPY WHO DATED ME
By Joe Janes
First draft

Michael– mid-40’s - M
Tracy – mid 40’s – F
Ludwig – mid-40’s

(Lights up on Michael and Tracy at a café.)

TRACY

Well, this is nice. It’s refreshing to meet someone who actually looks like their photograph.

MICHAEL

Isn’t that the truth? I met someone last week who said she looks ten years younger than she is - probably because the pictures on her profile are from ten years ago.

TRACY

I think the most important quality in a relationship is honesty. And if you don’t have that at the start…

MICHAEL

Then you’re never going to have it.

TRACY

Well, once you catch someone in a lie, you’re always going to wonder if that person is telling the truth.

MICHAEL

I couldn’t agree with you more. Let’s make a deal. Tonight, we tell the absolute truth. No matter what. I can’t think of a better way to get to know someone.

TRACY

I accept. To honesty. (She raises her wine glass and they toast.)

MICHAEL

What do you do for a living?

TRACY

Oh, boring old job. I work at the Chicago Board of Trade as an administrator. I run an office. No big deal. What about you?

MICHAEL

I’m a secret agent.

TRACY

You sell real estate?

MICHAEL

No. Secret agent. As in, I work for the government.

TRACY

If you’re a secret agent, then why are you telling me? Doesn’t make it much of a secret.

MICHAEL

Well, I wanted to be honest with you. Look, Tracy, I know we just met, but I find you attractive, I think there’s some potential here, I don’t want to blow it by lying to you.

TRACY

I see. Well, thank you for your honesty. Do you like your job?

MICHAEL

Very much so. I get to kill people.

TRACY

You get to kill people?

MICHAEL

Bad people, mostly. You know, evil villains. It’s very gratifying.

TRACY

What, you mean, like, you have a license to kill?

MICHAEL

Want to see it? (He takes his license out of his wallet and shows it to her.)

TRACY

Oh, my God…

MICHAEL

I know. Can you believe that mustache? What was I thinking? I made them take the picture twice. Is that vain, or what?

TRACY

I did the same thing with my passport. You’re stuck with it for ten years, you should be happy with it. How long are stuck with that ?

MICHAEL

They make us renew it every two years. Have to take an eye exam and everything.

TRACY

An eye exam?

MICHAEL

Well, you know. Don’t want us killing the wrong person.

TRACY

Are you allowed to be telling me all this stuff on a date?

MICHAEL

Well, to be honest, it is frowned upon by the agency. It can make me vulnerable.

TRACY

Vulnerable can be sexy.

MICHAEL

Tracy. I’m 44. My whole adult life has been nothing but a string of affairs with super models and the kept mistresses of evil-doers. It’s time for me to have something, someone, more substantial in my life.

TRACY

How many people have you slept with?

MICHAEL

Oh, I don’t know. Probably 100. 200. It’s on file. How about you?

TRACY

Much less than that.

MICHAEL

I know it seems like a lot. Most were in the line of duty. The men, any way. And that bird.

(Ludwig, an older waiter with a scar and ill-fitting clothes enters and serves them coffee. He speaks with a heavy foreign accent.)

LUDWIG

Here’s is your coffee.

MICHAEL

We didn’t order any coffee.

LUDWIG

Compliments of the house to the young lovers.

TRACY

That’s sweet.

MICHAEL

Thank you very much…

LUDWIG

Steve.

MICHAEL

Steve, Do you have any soy milk? I’m lactose intolerant. There – I’ve never told anyone that on a first date. This is so liberating.

LUDWIG

I’ll be right back. (He exits.)

TRACY

So, you don’t do dairy.

MICHAEL

I don’t do death. Or dairy. Don’t drink it, Tracy. I think it’s poisoned. Smells like arsenic.

TRACY

I think that’s the chicory.

(Ludwig returns with soy milk.)

LUDWIG

Here’s your soy milk, sir.

MICHAEL

We’ll just take the check.

(Michael does some judo-y stuff on Ludwig, ultimately snapping his neck.)

TRACY

It’s okay, everybody. He has a license for this sort of thing.

MICHAEL

I’m sorry our date was interrupted.

TRACY

Do you go through this kind of thing everyday?

MICHAEL

Most everyday. I have Mondays off. When can I see you, again, Tracy?

TRACY

Not when. Where?

MICHAEL

Okay. Where can I see you, again.

(Tracy takes a knife off the table and throws it at Michael’s chest. It hits him and he goes down.)

TRACY(with a heavy non-descript European accent)

In hell, Michael. In hell.

(She laughs maniacally as Bond-type music comes up. She stops laughing. Exits. Comes back. Puts a few dollars on the table and exits, again. Lights fade.)



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

On Saturday, I asked...

"To protest the food being served to him, a prisoner in New Hampshire sent a federal judge what?"

68% answered "A stool sample"
- Nope. Nothing from the wood shop. Wait, what kind of stool did you think I meant?

16% picked "A tooth"
- And then the federal judge put a quarter under the prisoner's pillow while he slept...um, no.

16% thought "A bent spoon"
- Which he bent with his mind!!! Mwahaaaaaaa!...Nope.

Nobody picked the right answer this time, "A hard-boiled egg"


According to the Associated Press, a federal judge was driven to rhyme after receiving a hard-boiled egg in the mail from a prison inmate protesting his diet. Wolff, 61, says he is an Orthodox Jew and has accused prison officials of refusing to feed him a kosher diet. Wolff also says he cannot tolerate hard-boiled eggs and is suing the state Department of Corrections for $10 million. Wolff is serving 10 to 20 years for sexually assaulting a 7-year-old girl. I think they should Cool Hand Luke him.

Saturday Morning Cartoons!

The Adventures of Johnny Quest (1964)



Two things I didn't know about one of my favorite cartoons growing up.

One - that they only produced one year's worth of cartoons and it aired in prime time. Which means the networks threw the reruns onto Saturday mornings, because I would have been too damn young to appreciate it in 1964.

Two - that Tim Matheson was the voice of Johnny Quest.

Who's Tim Matheson? This Guy!




Otter from Animal House!

Johnny Quest was exactly who every kid in the world wanted to be. Johnny had a dad, Dr. Benton Quest, who was a brilliant scientist who had his own lab and private jet. The muscle of the outfit and pilot of the jet was the ultra-cool Roger "Race" Bannon. Johnny's best friend was Hadji, an Indian boy who was also a snake charmer. And then there was Bandit, their dog, who pulled his own weight and didn't overload the series with a case of the cutes. I think what I liked most about it is that all the human characters were pretty good role models for being a male. Dr. Quest, although the smart one, wasn't a wimp. Race wasn't macho, he was a man's man. Johnny and Hadji were smart without being obnoxious. They were curious, made mistakes, and took responsibility for their actions. All while having kick ass adventures like fighting giant one-eyed robot spiders. And they all treated one another respectfully, honoring the dynamics of father-son, adult-child relationships without any condescension from the adults or derision from the kids.

The series also featured some of the best to come out of Hanna-Barbera's studios, often emulating the look and feel of an adventure comic book. That might explain why they only produced a year's worth of episodes. Pre-computers, animation was done by hand and very expensive.

Here are the opening credits, which features one of the best ever cartoon theme songs and a glimpse of all the cool monsters in the series.



The closing credits kick some butt, too, featuring a few scenes from the original test pilot.




THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"A new Nigerian state governor is having domestic problems caused by what?"

50% answered "Not spending more money on furniture"
- Nope. They got plenty of places to sit and won't be embarrassed if dignitaries unexpectedly pop by.

25% thought is was "Not allowing the in-laws to move in"
- Nope. Let the in-laws fend for themselves.

12% picked "Not showing affection in public"
- No. Given his religion, this probably isn't an issue.

13% got it right with "Not naming one of his wives 'First Lady'"

According to BBC News, Adamawa State Governor Murtala Nyako has four wives, all rivals for the title of "First lady"- and the accompanying perks. Ten polygamous governors in the mainly Muslim north have the same problem. At a news conference, Governor Nyako said that as a Muslim "all my wives have equal status." Bill Clinton is now considering a political career in Nigeria.

Everyday Epics

ROBOWRITER ASSIGNMENT

This assignment is about making something big out of the ordinary.

First, to come up with an idea, you'll be making two lists of ten. Side-by-side.

The first list is stuff you need to do regularly, whether it's once a week or once a year or once every few years. Make sure you include stuff that requires the involvement of other people. So, if you do your taxes by yourself, it may not be a good candidate for this. But if you use an accountant or tax service, perfect.

Here's a sample list..

1) Go to the dentist
2) renew my driver's license
3) buy stamps
4) get an oil change
5) visit my family
6) celebrate an anniversary
7) get a haircut
8) celebrate my birthday
9) take cat to vet
10) vote

The second list is one or two things that would either prevent you or inhibit accomplishing this ordinary task.

1) forced to go to new dentist who is a relative
2) counter person hates me
3) long line and slow service at post office
4) usual place closed, have to go to a chain, have an undecipherable coupon
5) my uncle will be there
6) fighting with spouse, but trying to have a nice time at favorite restaurant
7) favorite barber not there, have to use the female stylist
8) everyone wants to make it a bigger deal than I do, or vice-versa
9) cat does not want to go
10) the person checking people in is ultra-pro the party opposite of mine

So, pick the one you think might have the best scene potential. I think a very simple, common task works best for this. I like the idea of going to a chain for an oil change. There are ways to heighten it. It could be a very expensive car. Maybe even an antique, but definitely has a strong emotional connection for the owner. The mechanics keep trying to pad the bill with petty crap. The car owner, who used to use the same guy for the last twenty years, just wants to find an honest mechanic he can trust and build a relationship with longterm.

The assignment is to take a common task or event and turn it into an epic adventure. But keep what makes it an epic true-to-life and personal. A hurricane can certainly make a trip to the vet an adventure, but having such a strong external force can override the characters and relationships. It also takes it out of the realm of common and ordinary. Try to keep the elements as ordinary as possible. In buying stamps, a postal worker doesn't need to go, well, postal, but they can certainly be power-hungry or attention hungry. We've all dealt with difficult relatives or service people. Have that be what makes the scene an adventure.


SOIREE DADA RESUMES TONIGHT

If you want to get five dollars off the cost of your ticket, go up to the box office and say "I heard Tristan Tzara was a pansy." Then giggle like a schoolgirl.


THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"Matt Wilkinson of Portland, Oregon tried to impress his ex-girlfriend by doing what?"

24% picked "Juggling hand grenades"
- Nope. Besides, it was only one. With a bowling ball and a chain saw. No danger at all.

15% answered "Climbing Mt. Hood naked"
- Nope. Rope burns and frostbite. Puts bad image in my brain.

15% chose "Setting himself on fire"
- Nope. But wouldn't that suck if he did that and it worked? He have to endure a painful, crispy, crunchy love life.

46% got it right with, of all things, "Putting a snake in his mouth"

According to the Associated Press, snake collector Matt Wilkinson of Portland grabbed a 20-inch rattler from the highway near Maupin, and three weeks later, to impress his ex-girlfriend, he stuck the serpent in his mouth. He was soon near death with a swollen tongue that blocked his throat. Trauma doctors at the Oregon Health and Science University saved his life. "You can assume alcohol was involved," he said.

Done Nodded

Wow!

Last night was a ton of fun. I love it when I am in the presence of brilliant, funny people, who also happen to be really nice. Don and I got to the Uptown Writer's Space early. We went on a run (more like a brisk walk) to buy some red wine and a variety of snacks. We set up the space with folding chairs and we're ready to rock by 7pm. Laura, a volunteer at Uptown, came in and helped us out by greeting people.

It was a small conglomeration of bloggers and friends, but I am very satisfied with the flow and content of the show.

Lindsay Muscato opened the show reading from her blog, Lindsay Lives Here. She related humorous stories from her days as a teacher. My favorite had to do with a student writing the phrase "ass parade" on the chalkboard.

An anonymous author - sans puppets, by the way - read posts from her blog Life and Times of Big Calabaza. My favorite was her story about her experiences in a hip hop dance class and trying to bridge the gap between more experienced students and newbies. Although she did not deliver on her request to use puppets, I forgive her.

Greg Wendling of I'm So Tired read from his friend Madge's blog, Madge's Musings. We were even treated to a listen to a voice-mail explaining why she wasn't there. She was lost and was eating a sandwich she bought from a man on the street. I particularly enjoyed Madge's description of the funeral she would like to have when she dies. I, too, now want a pulley system installed so people could manipulate my head and see all sides of my nicely coiffed skull.

Keri Myslinksi of Moments of Coherency - and the only blogger on the bill with zero connection to any other blogger reading last night - read a funny piece giving tips to homeless people on how best to increase the possibility of receiving change and a surprisingly touching piece about the death of a bird that flew into a building.

Amy Guth of Big Mouth Indeed Strikes Again rounded out the first half and, hands down, read the funniest post of the evening. One simple sentence about a night in New Orleans.

"I just saw a drag queen with Down Syndrome."

I also blew my hosting duties by not plugging an upcoming event Amy is hosting. It's called The Fixx Reading Series at The Fixx Coffee Bar on Thursday, September 27th at 7:30pm.

The second half was the formal presentation of "The Nod." Dave Awl, Thea Lux, Nat Topping, Don and I all sat off to the side of the stage. Through a quick succession of "Rock, Paper, Scissors" we determined Dave would go first. He read a post about "inventing" iced tea. This led Nat to go up next and read his version of the history of coffee. Thea followed that up with an awkward encounter with a handsome Starbuck barrista. I followed it with a letter to George W. about getting out of Iraq and going to war with Canada. The connection was equating our addiction to oil with a coffee addiction. Don then followed that with a diatribe on "no smoking" regulations. So, that's how our half unfolded. We laid down connections like tracks for a train as the train was running. Some connections were direct, some were loose. I followed a piece Dave did about a book on Pearl Harbor with a piece I wrote about arguing with my girlfriend called Rules of Engagement.

Thea wrapped it all up with a hysterical piece about baby-sitting and cleaning up the pooh of "Little Buddha."

It was a great time and Don and I will do this again. Look for announcements about it in the coming weeks.



ROBOWRITERS TONIGHT

There is no Soiree Dada this evening due to a previously scheduled event at the Cultural Center. That means I'll be hooking up with my writer peeps at the Uptown Writer's Space at 6:30pm. Come join us. Bring a scene to read and get feedback or hang out and get inspired.



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"In Australia, a six year old boy is under investigation for running an after school club that featured what?"

46% tried to score with "American Rules Football"
- It would be an affront to their nation to try to bring sense to their national sport, the answer is "no" while you run laps around a round field trying to figure out how to score a point with your pigskin.

36% tried to musically score with "Rock and Roll"
- The youth tried to bring rock and roll to the small community, but the local fire and brimstone minister squashed him at every turn. Makes you want to run into an abandoned warehouse and dance with a kangaroo. Not!

No one thought the kids might be meeting over "Drugs"

18% scored, and I do mean scored, with "Sex"

According to the Melbourne newspaper The Age, the Education Department there has investigated claims a six-year-old student ran a "sex club," involving up to half a dozen 1st grade students. The department has admitted that the student exposed students to sexual conversations and proposed activities, but denied the existence of a "sex club" in spite of reports from parents whose children say otherwise. According to shadow education minister Martin Dixon, "The culture (in the department) seems to be one of hiding the problem instead of fixing the problem." There was a "gaping hole" in the regulations, which needed to be re-written.

After saying the words "gaping hole" he licked his lips, rubbed his hands like a praying mantis, and returned to reading his magazine, Gaping Holes Quarterly.

The Nod

The Nod with Don Hall and Joe Janes has finally arrived. It's tonight at 8pm at the Uptown Writer's Space, 4802 North Broadway. $5, if you gots it. Don and I will be providing refreshments. Because we rock as hosts.

The first half will feature Greg Wendling, Keri Myslinski, Amy Guth , Claire Micklin , and Lindsay Muscato all reading from their smart, entertaining blogs. Word on the street - well, we are talking my street, which seems to have a lot of crazy people off their meds - is that there will be puppets involved!!! Yes, that deserved three exclamation points. Greg will be reading from his friend Madge's blog about a senior citizen's brazen foray into the modern world of technology, so it's all girl power. That, too, deserves three exclamation points, but I blew my "per post quota" on "puppets."

The second half features Don and me along with Nat Topping, Thea Lux and Dave Awl. We'll all be performing pieces from our blogs in the same block. It's a little free form. One person, chosen at random, begins, and then the rest follow up with posts that somehow connect or relate. Totally an experiment and given the pedigree of the folks involved (The Annoyance, WNEP, The Neo-Futurists, Robot vs Dinosaur, Teatro Bastardo, etc), we're up for the challenge.

It's going to be a very exciting time and I hope you can join us. Especially if you are a fan of this or any of these blogs and haven't met any of the authors in person (looking at you, Rekk).



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"For causing widespread death and destruction, a Nebraska state senator is suing whom?"

13% picked "Osama Bin-Laden"

- Nope, but he probably hopes someone does. For the publicity. His last video, even with a sporty new beard, got totally buried in the news by Britney Spears.

6% thought maybe it was "Hurricane Katrina"
- Nope. The culprit fled the country and hasn't been seen since.

6% hoped it was "George W. Bush"
- Nope. Although he fits the description in the complaint, his campaign of death and destruction continues unabated.

75% got right with "God"

According to the Associated Press, Nebraska state senator Ernie Chambers says in his lawsuit that God has made terroristic threats against the senator and his constituents, inspired fear and caused "widespread death, destruction and terrorization of millions upon millions of the Earth's inhabitants." Word is God's lawyers are trying to convince the almighty to support the creationism "six thousand years theory" to reduce the dramatic impact of his reign of terror, which has been going on for billions of years.

Dada Rave

Here's a rave review from Time Out this week about Soiree Dada...



Soiree DADA: Blinde Esel Hopse
WNEP Theater at Chicago Cultural Center (see Fringe & storefront)
Dir. Don Hall. With ensemble cast.

DADA DAY CAMP
The white-faced cast of Soiree creates a little Duchamp of horrors.

FOUR STARS

One of WNEP’s clownlike Dada creatures is in the middle of an emotional monologue when suddenly his fellows surround him, making noise, shouting, singing and generally drowning him out. The storyteller soldiers on through the distraction until he can’t take it anymore, shouting, “I am having a poignant moment here!”

Good luck with that, we think. There’s poignancy in the latest Soiree DADA; it’s just not in Hallmark-card form. These Dadaists will move you, but they’re not going to be mushy about it.

The latest edition of WNEP’s nonsense cabaret, sprung from the confines of its shoeboxlike former spaces, ups the ante for its stay at the Cultural Center with a cast of 11 white-faced, questionably accented Dadaists, combining the purposely irrational, logic-rejecting anti-aesthetics of Dada practitioners Tristan Tzara and George Grosz with elements of vaudeville (unlike the Dadaists of old, this group isn’t averse to actually entertaining us).

Hall and his cast take us on one daft roller-coaster ride, careening from the sublimely silly (the petulant Dadaists fight over their belongings like toddlers) to that aforementioned prickly poignancy—witness Jen Ellison’s aggressive, desperately powerful, climactic counting piece. Those allergic to audience participation should find other plans, but a little harmless “in your face” is a small price to pay for some darn good “in your brain.”

—Kris Vire

Nat Topping also has some interesting things to say about his experience of the show over at Clever Title.


This show has been very interesting experience for me as an actor. It's the first show I've done where people will come up to me afterwards and tell me they enjoyed it and then not be able to articulate anything else about it. Same on my end. The most I have to say is "thank you." The only exception I had was one person who came up to me and told me about all the research she did on Dada before coming. It was interesting for her to do so, but not very helpful in actually seeing the show. I think everyone gets something different from the show. Many people have told me they have thought about the show for days after seeing it. Dada, in its subversive ways, affects the performers and the audience on a level that percolates just below the surface. It's difficult to put into words, which might very well be the point.


THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"Gull Meadow Farms has created a tribute to President Ford by carving his likeness in what?"

16% said "A vat of butter"
- No. But I heard he fell in one, once.

16% picked "A pile of manure"
- No. But I heard he fell in one, once.

No one thought it was "A soy bean"
- No. But I heard he fell - oh, wait...
Stuck in a rut, here. No, that was Jew-hater, Henry Ford. Stupid Jew-hater. (Um, yeah. Look, It's 4am as I write this. I'm up early to do more work on that corporate assignment. My brain cells are spread thin.)

68% got it right with "A corn maze"

According to the Associated Press, a farm not far from where Ford grew up created a maze in a cornfield in the likeness of the nation's 38th president, who died last December. Reagan gets a King's funeral. Ford gets a corn maze.

I Have No Feelings Either Way About Mondays

Recently, I was hired by the wonderfully creative people over at Fig Media to help script and direct the opening production of a corporate event. I did not sell my soul, but it is currently on loan and this week will be very heavy back-and-forth with the client as we finalize the details.

I guess what I am saying is, don't expect much from this week for content. I'll do my best, but for now, I will have to defer to the man.



SOIREE DADA




Michael Brownlee has posted some great black and white photos of the show. You can check them out by clicking here.



THE NOD

Is this week! Wednesday night at 8pm at the Uptown Writer's Space. Lindsey Muscato has hopped on board. Check out her blog, Just Stay Calm, and our main website, The Nod with Don Hall and Joe Janes, for more info and links to all the bloggers.



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

On Saturday, I asked...

"Former recruit Peter J. Palka is suing the Chicago Police Department claiming they kicked him out of the academy because of what?"

34% picked "He has horrible manners."
- Yeah. You NEVER see Chicago cops with bad manners. It's like Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood around here. Um, no.

17% answered "He's too fat."
- This is the town where many cops sit in their cars like encased meats and make you do all the footwork when they pull you over. No. Very no.

16% thought "He has a history of physical violence."
- Actually, this might be a pre-requisite. So, no.

33% got it correct with "He's Polish and looks terrible."

According to the Chicago Sun-Times, Peter J. Palka is suing the Chicago Police Department claiming he was terminated from the Chicago Police Academy because he was Polish and "looked terrible." In the Chicago Police department's defense, it's not so much that he is Polish, per se. It's just that Palka held his gun pointed in the wrong direction. At himself.