Blech Friday

(No Robowriters assignment today as we did not meet last night. It will return next week.)

Americans love to be distracted. We really are just killing time until time kills us. So, of course we want to do that with as much comfort and entertainment as possible. This is why the news is chock full of celebrity meltdowns and missing white suburban wives. We only hear about presidential candidates when they say something catty about an opponent or some dirt is unearthed about them. Natural disasters, when the footage is awesome. Horrible, horrible things for those immediately involved, but most of us aren't involved and devour the latest tidbits with glee.

Today is Black Friday. The newspapers and news shows will be choking us with shopping tips and updates on how the holiday season is shaping for up for the merchants. Look for reporters on the scene at shopping malls that opened at 4am interviewing the boneheads who camped out all night so they can be the first to stampede into the store and grab up the latest Prozackean Elmo toy. Look for the news shows to repeat ad nauseam shots of shoppers running into the stores like its the running of the bulls, especially if someone gets trampled or a fist fight breaks out. This will all be the lead news and the front page headlines.

While the media conglomerates dangle this shiny bauble of "news" in front of us, other news might go unnoticed. Here are a few headlines I plucked out unrelated to shopping that you might find interesting...

From the Chicago Sun-Times, whose main front page headline is about ex-cop Drew Peterson and his missing wife, there's this news article about how the Jose de Diego Community Academy in Chicago has had to ration its drinking water since the middle of September when a main waterline broke there. The break has been fixed, but the city Water Management Department has yet to give them a clean bill of health of health. Students are only allowed four ounces of drinking water a day! It's a bureaucratic mess. You can read the whole article HERE.

From the Chicago Tribune, 23 civilians were killed in Iraq in two separate bombings. One of the bombs was at a pet market, so tally up an untold number of adorable critters with that number, too. And among the fatalities were over 60 wounded. It's easy to file these numbers in the "Blah-Blah-Blah Crazy People Blowing Each Other Up" folder and forget about it. But these are human beings. Our foreign policy ineptitude has a lot to do with why they are now dead. If you have a hard time putting a face to the numbers, I recommend reading the article. The reporter interviewed some people at the market and paints a good picture of their lives. You can read the whole article HERE.

It's not all bad news that gets buried, but it mostly is. I had to dig around on the Internet for about 20 minutes to find this on CNN... The Queen (you know, THE Queen) is giving some lovin' to Uganda for their peace-keeping efforts. You can read about it HERE.

But, hey, it's a holiday weekend. Enjoy yourself. You deserve it. I just ask that we not turn a blind eye to what's really going on out there. Banking on us not wanting to really know what's going on and not caring is how the assholes got in charge in the first place.


THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

On Wednesday, I asked...

"British scientists have found the fossil of an insect with what unusual feature?"

30% said "It has male pattern baldness."
- And next to it, a fossilized comb and tube of hair gel. Sadly, it's the first evidence of a comb over.

15% said "It's already been in a Jurassic Park sequel."
- Not yet. But it will be.

No one fell for "It ate a human."

55% nailed it with "It's as big as a Buick."

According to the Associated Press, British scientists have stumbled across a fossilized claw, part of an ancient sea scorpion, that is of such large proportion it would make the entire creature the biggest bug ever. How big? Bigger than you, and at 8 feet long as big as some cars. These scientist are too easily impressed. They obviously haven't seen some of the cockroaches I've encountered here in Chicago.

The First Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. Julie and I are off to Michigan to spend it with her grandmother, parents and, apparently, someone named Maurice who thinks Julie is an alcoholic because he saw her drink a glass of wine, once. My turkey alternative will be acorn squash stuffed with brown rice, fake ground beef, onions, celery and other savory goodies.

Here's a scene from Addams Family Values depicting the first Thanksgiving. Satirical, sharp, and hee-larious.

The Waiting

Two weeks ago, I posted about doing writing auditions. I did so because I had one. Yay, me! I won't give the particulars, because it doesn't seem cool to do so while in the process of it all. I will say that it is a fun project that would allow me to use my satirical skills and could lead to a weekly gig. The part that bugs me is that I submitted my audition material a week and a half ago and haven't heard anything. Not even a response to let me know my materials were received. Argh! Don't these people realize how brilliant I am!

My fiancee tells me to be patient and that this is pretty common in the business world. My inclination is to chalk it up to small companies with an artistic bent where people are wearing multiple hats and no one has time to deal with the simple "Hey, thanks, got it, we'll be in touch" stuff. But according to Julie, she ran into that all the time while she was job hunting. She would submit a resume and cover letter and months would go by before being asked to come in for an interview. Then maybe a few more months before a second interview. All the while not hearing anything from them in between. And this is from companies that are worldwide and have been around a hundred years or so.

The lesson for me to re-apply here is the lesson I learned as an actor auditioning for commercials. Once the audition is over, pat yourself on the back for doing the best you could do and then move one. Focus on the next audition. Even though you know you nailed it and they would be crazy NOT to call you and you really, really need the money, it's over and it's out of your hands. The more I find and generate other opportunities, the less stressed I'll be about "that one" and why haven't they called or e-mailed? It's that unattractive air of desperation one gets after a first date that they hope quickly leads to marriage. Chill. Relax. They'll call you if they want you and, if they do, wouldn't it be nice if you had a few different offers to choose from any way?

So, the key to waiting after submitting your material for a writing audition is not to wait. Get working on a new project, find a new opportunity to submit material to, polish that material you know needs a rewrite, keep getting your work out there.



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"Rapper Jay-Z's new video 'Blue Magic' features him carrying a briefcase full of what?"

55% said "iPhones"
- Nothing says street cred like an iPhone, homie.

10% said "Shell Gas Cards"
- Now that oil is $100 a barrel, this could be the new bling.

No one, much to my dismay, thought it was "Starbucks Coffee"

35% got it right with "Euro Notes"

According to the BBC, wads of dollar bills are usually as much a part of rap videos as fast cars, diamond-encrusted jewellery and scantily-clad models. But in an apparent nod to the low value of the dollar, rapper Jay-Z's new video "Blue Magic" features another currency. He is seen cruising the streets of New York in Bentleys and Rolls Royces (now owned by Germany's Volkswagen and BMW) with a briefcase of 500 euro notes. Well, that's finally the last nail in the coffin of America, isn't it folks? What's next? Are gangsta rappers going to stop buying their bullets at Wal-Mart and start buying them at Ikea? American Gangster, my butt.

Effingham, Baby

Here, briefly, is the story of asking Julie to marry me.

Wanting to keep it a small, intimate affair, I hired a dancing elephant. The elephant, named Salted, was trained to do a little tap dance to the tune of "Tea for Two" while dressed like a pirate and at the very end, present Julie with the ring on the end of his trunk. I picked up the elephant on Friday afternoon and put it in the backseat of the car under a blanket. Then I picked up Julie from her workplace and we headed to Clarksville.

My dad lives in Clarksville, Tennessee. Saturday night was a celebration for his 75th year of plodding around the planet in his underwear on Saturday mornings making grunting sounds. Not wishing to steal the thunder away from his 3/4 century marker, my plan was to propose to Julie on Friday evening in Effingham, Illinois. Effingham (say it out loud, it sounds like you are swearing at pork) is the halfway point between Chicago and Clarksville. I didn't know when I was going to ask her, but the elephant and I were ready to go when the perfect moment presented itself.

We arrived in Effingham at 7:30pm and got a room at the Paradise-On-A-Budget Motel. Not to skimp on such a special evening, I booked us The Luv Room. The Luv Room featured a round bed with a vibrating feature known as "magic fingers." Basically, this is a man named Chet who slept under the bed and would shake it for fifteen minutes at a time for a quarter. Yes, it's a little creepy to have a man named Chet under your bed, but you cannot argue the value we got per quarter. That was really the only feature that qualified it as a Luv Room. That and the broken lava lamp on the nightstand that had one long, snaking purple turd-like lava thing floating in it.

While one could not deny the electricity that was The Luv Room, it seemed more like a destination after proposing than the place to propose. So, we went to dinner.

If you are ever in Effingham, you must go to the Firefly Grill. It is a culinary sanctuary just off a strip choked with chain restaurants and gas stations. The space was warm, open and inviting. The staff friendly. The food excellent. They sat us at an intimate table for two near the bar and a magazine rack. Amanda, our server, had a great smile and demeanor. We felt welcomed and she was honest in her recommendations. She told us to make sure we saved room for the Firefly Grill's special dessert, caramel apple pecan cake! We ordered wine and a few appetizers. The spicy hummus is to die for!

As we took in the atmosphere, I decided that this was the perfect moment. I signaled to Salted, who entered after us and sat at the bar reading Us magazine, that it was "go" time. That was when all hell broke loose. Salted had a weakness for frozen strawberry margaritas and had been throwing them back like a middle-aged divorcee on ladies night. Salted broke out his boom box and, instead of playing "Tea for Two," cranked up the wobbly speakers and filled the room with "Here I Go Again." His dainty pirate tap dance became a cross between the Curly Shuffle and Godzilla stomping on Tokyo. Salted threw his weight around the room, knocking over tables, banging into servers with trays of food, and, most tragically, crushing a busboy. One could forgive the one crunchy accidental step that crushed his chest cavity, but it was when Salted did a breakdance spin on Pedro's limp body that the restaurant filled with a horrified silence.

Fortunately, no one saw me signal to Salted and assumed he was just another drunk pirate elephant on a bender in Effingham. Feigning inconsolability over Pedro's pulpy remains, I threw myself at Salted, who just laid there on his back, lamely trumpeting along to the Whitesnake tune that had already ended. There I palmed the engagement ring from Salted's nose and put it in my pocket. Julie and I grabbed our jackets and rushed towards the door making sure that we also grabbed the amazing caramel apple pecan cake to go.

If there's one thing I have learned in life and love and theater, it's always have a back-up plan. In the parking lot of the restaurant, I shot off the flare gun I keep strapped to my ankle. Within seconds, the U.S. Air Force sent the Thunderbirds air demonstration squadron flying overhead in formation. After a twisting-turning loopdeloo executed with split-second timing, the jets all released incendiary devices that lit up the sky. And when you stood right underneath them and looked up, the falling balls of fire spelled out "Marry Me." And Julie said yes. I slipped the ring on her finger and we held each other and the dessert tight as fire rained down around us.

The "-y Me" part of the proposal landed on the roof of the Firefly Grill and quickly reduced it to a pile of ashes and burnt elephant. They seemed like a pretty together outfit, so I'm sure they are insured and should be rebuilt by the time we're ready to celebrate our first anniversary.



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Last Friday, I asked...

"Disneyland workers recently shut down the 'Pirates of the Caribbean" ride when cameras caught a woman doing what?"

31% said "Flashing Jack Sparrow"
- Nope. She kept her booty to herself.

18% said "Robbing the other people in her boat"
- Nope. Nor did she make anyone walk the plank.

12% said "Drinking rum and screaming "Yo-ho-HO!""
- Hey, now. That's really degrading to women. Even the pirates on the ride have been reprogrammed to say "Yee-hee-hee" and titter like little girls.

39% got it right with "Dumping human remains"

According to Orlando's Local 6 News, Disneyland workers were recently forced to close the "Pirates of the Caribbean" attraction after a ride security camera caught a woman apparently dumping human remains, in what may be a growing trend. Some Disney watchers said park-goers tell them that people smuggling in the cremated remains of their loved ones and then sprinkling ashes on rides has been going on for a while. They said it started at the "Haunted Mansion," but now the "Pirates of the Caribbean" ride is growing in popularity. That's awesome! Who wouldn't want to spend eternity at the happiest place on earth? Just don't sprinkle my ashes on the tea cup ride. I don't want to spend the afterlife spinning and hurling ectoplasm.

A Decent Proposal

Julie,

Will you marry me?

(please post your response in the comment section)

We Need to Talk

ROBOWRITER ASSIGNMENT

Most scenes start with a very recognizable situation; a couple having dinner, a father and son playing catch, two co-workers sitting next to one another clacking away at keyboards, etc. This is good, because the audience needs to be able to connect with what is happening. But if continued to just be about a couple eating soup or a father and son tossing a softball or co-workers inputting data, our interest would wain, to say the least. Even "reality" shows know that something's got to happen.

This week's assignment is to have one of the characters in a familiar situation reveal significant information about themselves.

To prepare, whip up a list of ten things you might normally do during the course of a week or two that involves at least one other person. Here's mine...

1) Buy coffee at Dunkin Donuts
2) Cook dinner with my girlfriend
3) Tutor a student
4) See a play
5) Have a beer with friends
6) Shop for groceries
7) Chat with teachers in the teachers lounge
8) Shop for a gift
9) Go to the bank
10) Ride the El to work

Now, try to forget about this list as you create a second list. This is a list of the worst or most surprising things one person could reveal about themselves to another person. Use your imagination. This is NOT based on your own life. Unless it is.

1) I'm an assassin (That's for Jen)
2) I'm secretly Jewish.
3) I have a second job as a pimp.
4) I'm a serial killer.
5) I've been having an affair.
6) Your father has been hitting on me. And I like it.
7) I'm broke.
8) I got a new job and have to relocate to Ohio.
9) I'm Santa. And I suck at the job.
10) I've been studying ballet.

Now, see if you can pair up items from the first list with items from the second list. Be on the lookout for the match-up that will give you the most bang for your comedy buck. For example, telling the counter person at Dunkin Donuts that I am secretly Jewish probably doesn't have a lot at stake. But telling my girlfriend, or wife, while we cook dinner together might be interesting. Then the scene becomes about justifying the secret, revealing the depth of the secret, and finding a solution for moving forward with that person. I also like a tutor telling his student that he's an assassin. Could be because he's from the future trying to prevent a tragedy or that the student is an heir to the throne of an obscure country. And for some reason I imagine the tutoring lesson being with a piano. Makes it more active and adds a little class.

So, that's the assignment. Write a scene where someone drops an informational bomb on another person. Entertain different ways to reveal the info rather than just "I have to tell you something." In the dinner scene, the wife can find kosher salt in the pantry. In the piano lesson scene, the student can find an unassembled sniper rifle in the piano bench. Have fun.



I HEART ADAM FELBER

Adam Felber writes for Real Time with Bill Maher and is a regular panelist on Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me! While currently on strike, he has been spending more time at Fantacial Apathy, his website where he often has brilliant satirical takes on current events. I am envious of this guy. His take on the Blackwater investigation is priceless. Check it out by clicking HERE.


SATURDAY MORNING CARTOONS

Saturday Morning Cartoons might be taking the weekend off. I leave for Clarksville, Tennessee today for my dad's 75th birthday. My girlfriend and I will be spending the night mid-state in Effingham, Illinois. We here at the Bite and Smile regional corporate office are understaffed and I don't trust any of the interns to do this job properly. A posting tomorrow is unlikely.


THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"A poll of NYU students revealed that 50% of them would give up the right to vote forever for what?"

30% said "An iPod"
- Nope. Sorry. An iPod will only buy you giving up one vote. You'll have to pony up more to get someone to give up the right to vote forever. At least an iPhone.

No one said "Unlimited party supplies"
- Which is my fault. I meant stuff like free kegs of beer and pizza puffs, but I think people thought I meant cocktail napkins.

No one went for "A job working for Donald Trump"
- The only thing people will give up for that is their dignity.

70% got it right with "$1 million"

According to Washington Square News, a recent survey by an NYU journalism class found that NYU students would exchange for their right to vote in the next presidential election for cash and prizes. 20 percent said they'd exchange their vote for an iPod touch. 66 percent said they'd forfeit their vote for a free ride to NYU. And half said they'd give up the right to vote forever for $1 million. Clearly, these were not math majors. After Uncle Sam takes out taxes, that leaves approximately $600,000. If they are frugal, that spreads out to about $10k a year if they live to be 75. But they are students. They live in New York. In all likelihood, that will buy them candy for five years and then they have to live out the rest of their life bitching about who's in office. Wait a minute. I voted and I'm bitching about whose in office. I'm older. That one million will be more for me annually. Okay, suckers! My vote is for sale. Let the bidding begin! I'd love a million dollars, but I'll settle for a new sofa.

A Colossal Dick Move

Television and film writers are the quirky weirdos that the producers tolerate. Producers, generally speaking, don't get them and don't understand why they just can't re-type the script they way they want it to be. As opposed to theater, where the playwright tends to be revered as a mad genius architect, in film and television they are regarded as immigrant laborers doing creative bricklaying. They should just be happy they have a job. If not, the producer can easily drive his pick-up over to the Home Depot parking lot and find a dozen more for cheap.

When a film or TV series is bad, people seldom blame the writers. If a film fails to be a huge blockbuster in its opening week, it's not because of a bad script, it's because the star's shine is fading. And if it is a hit, it, again, is because of the star power, not the great writing.

That's not to say there aren't bad scripts out there. Oh, there are. But film and television has such a system of hurdles, that when a project gets the go ahead, it's usually in pretty good shape. It becomes a bad script with the interference of producers and directors imposing an artistic vision. For more on this, read the classic Adventures in the Screen Trade by William Goldman or check out this article, Building the Bomb by Terry Rossio (Thanks Avella!), about the writers who adapted the great Heinlein sci-fi novel The Puppet Masters into one of the biggest turkeys of all time.

You might think I am overstating things. Surely there are producers out there who appreciate and even cherish the originators and caretakers of their many hit television shows and franchise films. And I have faith that there are a few out there, too. However, the writer's strike has been going on for a week and a half. We quickly saw the effect on the late night shows. The producers know what's coming and haven't, at least publicly, shown any signs of compromise.

Even though it's clearly about to get worse...

Fox's Family Sans Guy

The overlords at Fox have announced plans to air an original episode Family Guy this Sunday and move forward on three more without the participation of mastermind Seth MacFarlane, who not only serves as the showrunner but supplies many of the key voices.

The move has angered MacFarlane, who stopped work on the series last week to join the picket lines with other WGA members.

"It would just be a colossal dick move if they did that," Family Guy's creator told Variety, noting that the next three episodes of the animated comedy are "relatively close to completion, but they have not had a final pass."

MacFarlane acknowledged that both the network and producer 20th Century Fox TV are "legally within their rights" to finish new episodes without his input, but doing so, he said, could not only affect the show's creative direction and thus alienate viewers, but also harm the successful partnership MacFarlane and Fox have built up over the years.

Read the full story HERE.

This is such a colossal dick move by the company to keep their ratings and advertiser money at the expense of the quality of a show. They are killing the goose to get to the golden eggs. Expect more dickery from the producers as they move to film scripts that are just first drafts.

For more on the writer's strike, go to the United Hollywood website and sign their petition.

ROBOWRITERS TONIGHT!

6:30pm. The Uptown Writer's Space. 4802 North Broadway. $5. Plus snacks! Word on the street is that Chris Othic and I will both be there to spew gutteral noises that pass for genius feedback on your work. Stop on by!


THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I wrote...

"Chilo, a small town of 97 in southwest Ohio, can't get anyone to run for mayor, but did have seven people sign up for what?"

50% said "An anti-immigration group"
- They are going to build a fence around Chilo to keep their population from breaking 100.

28% said "A mayor search committee"
- That would leave 90 people to "search" for mayor material. You don't need a committee for that. You just need one person able to turn his or her neck to the left and right and have vision in at least one eye.

7% said "A terrorism watchdog patrol"
- Yes, because if they infiltrate Chilo, we lose all of Clermont County!

14% got it right, sadly, with "A pie wrestling contest"

According to The Cincinnati Enquirer, last week's election in Chilo didn't attract any candidates for mayor. There were no names on the ballot for clerk/treasurer, either, or two open spots on village council. However, seven women have signed up for a Nov. 21 wrestling match in pie filling at Everybody's Sports Lounge, one of three businesses in the village about 25 miles southeast of Cincinnati. Village council members get paid $5 per meeting, while the winner of a wrestling match staged in a wading pool filled with pie filling gets $100. Now, if they would just combine the two...