Sea Watchers

Due to a series of miscommunication of whether or not I had a meeting to go to, I ended up going to the Art Institute to see the Hopper exhibit yesterday. By mistake, I accidentally bought a ticket to the Dennis Hopper exhibit. Just a guy sitting in a room huffing nitrous oxide, waving a gun, asking me pop quizzes about my retirement plan. Not really worth the twenty bucks.

However, the Edward Hopper exhibit is definitely worth it. I have seen most of his work on-line and in prints. The only painting of his I recall seeing in person over the years is the iconic Nighthawks. I was shocked to see how many of the prints I was familiar with were watercolors. I have never seen anyone paint in watercolor with so much detail, texture and clarity. And while many of his paintings seem quietly sad, I also saw a lot more humor and tension. One painting, Sea Watchers, actually made me laugh when I saw it in its full glory. It's a middle-aged couple sitting on a bench on a sunny, but windy beach. They are both in their own worlds looking out at the water. It was the first time I noticed the woman was all decked out in a swimsuit, complete with a rubber cap, ready for the water, but just sitting there. The man, as well, is in a swimsuit. It's as if they were at the beach because they heard it was a relaxing thing to do and they are waiting for the relaxation to hit them.

I took the audio tour, read everything that was posted, and watched the documentary they had running. It was interesting to me when the art experts said stuff like "this is where Hopper explored the blah-blah-blah..." I wonder, as artists, how much conscious exploring is done. In Hopper's mind, maybe he just wanted to paint a house and this is what came out. Considering Hopper didn't kick it in professionally until he was in his forties and had considerable training, he probably did have goals to explore light or contrast or nature, etc. It made me realize that, as a writer, my goals tend to not be much deeper than "trying not to suck here." Or my goals don't extend much beyond just trying out a different genre. I'll have to explore this exploring thing.

It closes May 10th. Go see it. It's a rare treat to see so much of his work gathered together in one place.



NO ROBOWRITERS TOMORROW - COME SEE THE GREATEST STORIES NEVER TOLD...TOLD!

This Saturday and Sunday mark the second weekend of Robot vs Dinosaur's first production. 4pm at Gorilla Tango, 1919 North Milwaukee. $10. I'll be up in the booth trying to keep up with the actors on the lights and sound. Wave "hi"!



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"Julieta Clinton, a bus driver in Huntley, IL, is in trouble with the police because she punished kids on her bus by doing what?"

40% said "Playing Michael Bolton Cd's really loud"
- This has been scientifically proven to destroy brain cells.

Nobody said "Speeding Up" or "Swerving"

60% got it right with "Slamming the brakes"

According to the Chicago Sun-Times, Clinton allegedly became angry with several students on the ride to Leggee and intentionally made two abrupt stops throwing students from their seats. Eighteen of 54 students on the bus, ages 5 to 10, were treated and released at the scene for minor injuries, and one was taken to Provena St. Joseph Hospital in Elgin, according to reports.

When I was a kid, we had Mr. Russell as our bus driver. He was an old, fat guy with slicked back gray hair and he chomped on a wet cigar. And, looking back, I am now suspicious of the "coffee" he had in his aluminum thermos. His weapon of choice for disciplining you was just looking intimidating. You didn't fuck with Mr. Russel.

Midwest Teen Sex Show

One really great thing about this blog is having the ability to shed some light on folks who deserve it. There's a web show in Chicago called The Midwest Teen Sex Show. I imagine they get a lot of hits from people looking for porn. If any of those people are teens themselves, they have struck gold. Non-porn gold. The Midwest Teen Sex Show tackles subjects that teens really want to talk about. It's sex education from people willing to talk about sex without having to meet any governmental guidelines or getting any flak from religious groups. They might get the flak, but they are independent. They can tell the kids what teachers aren't allowed to say. And they can do it with a sense of humor. And the do it well.



Featured in that clip is Neil Arsenty. I have worked with Neil a few times and he is one funny guy. He has made many a weak or standard sketch comedy gold just by being Neil. He and this company were featured on Nightline last night. I hope the exposure leads to big things for him and for the The Midwest Teen Sex Show.



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"Today on 'The Oprah Winfrey Show,' David Blaine will perform his next amazing stunt which will be what?"

20% said "Bury himself alive in Oprah's thighs"
- Even David Blaine can't lower his heart rate enough to do that.

10% said "Spend the entire hour just listening to her friend Gayle"
- I think Oprah already hires people to do that for her.

No one said "Jump on the couch more times than Tom Cruise"
- Nope. Cruise still holds the record.

70% got it right with "Hold his breath the longest"

According to The Associated Press, submerged in a water-filled sphere on the stage of The Oprah Winfrey Show during a live broadcast, Blaine held his breath for 17 minutes and 4 seconds. That bested the previous record of 16 minutes and 32 seconds, set Feb. 10 by Switzerland's Peter Colat, according to Guinness World Records.

And...so what? How is this useful? Unless he's diffusing a bomb in the ocean, I don't really care. Remember when David Blaine used to be a magician? Wasn't that cool? I'd like his next stunt to be to make himself disappear.

Commence Whoopin' It Up!

Just a helpful reminder to clear your calendar, maybe even buy your tickets early. We're gearing up for weekend two of The Greatest Stories Never Told...TOLD! TimeOut Chicago has a great feature where you can check out the restaurants in the area for a late lunch before the show or an early dinner after. The cool thing about being done by 5:30pm and out of the theater by 6pm is that it gives us at least eight hours at the bar before last call. That's Sluefoot Sue (Kate Lambert) and Pecos Bill (Mike Johnson) sharing a canteen full of whiskey and nails.



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"A top Iranian judiciary official has warned against the destructive cultural and social consequences of importing what to their country?"

30% said "iPhones"
- It's not so much the phone as it is the long term binding service contract with AT&T that the Iranian government finds immoral.

20% said "American Idol"
- No, they're cool with it. The mosh pit reminds them of their funeral processions.

Nobody said "Miller Light"

50% got it right with "Barbie Dolls"

According to The Associated Press, a top Iranian judiciary official warned Monday against the "destructive" cultural and social consequences of importing Barbie Dolls and other Western toys. Prosecutor General Ghorban Ali Dori Najafabadi said in an official letter to Vice President Parviz Davoudi that the Western toys was a "danger" that needed to be stopped.

"The irregular importation of such toys, which unfortunately arrive through unofficial sources and smuggling, is destructive culturally and a social danger," Najafabadi said in his letter.

This has been an on-going battle, by the way. In 1996, the head of a government-backed children's agency called Barbie a "Trojan horse" sneaking in Western influences such as makeup and revealing clothes. Barbie is sold wearing swimsuits and miniskirts in a society where women must wear head scarves in public and men and women are not allowed to swim together.

Mattel really needs to hop on this. Burka Barbie, anyone?

Here she is with her friends Skipper and Krissy all ready for a fun day at the beach.

Needs A Job

Okay, folks. You know I love to teach and I would hate to leave it. I will probably always do it in some form. And as much as I enjoy the freelance projects, it's time to get a job. A job job. One with a salary and benefits. I need a reliable base salary and I need health insurance. (I looked up quotes yesterday and any decent health insurance is going to cost me at least $300 a month.)

Ideally, I'll get a job at a company I already enjoy and think is cool. Someplace that I can invest in and grow. In that job, I'll be able to use my writing skills and humor, but I'm open to anything. If you work someplace you think is cool and there's a job opening, let me know. I'm fun to have around. I'm on time. I clean up well. I like to do a good job. I'll show up at company events. Leave you presents on your desk. Like a cat leaves a dead mouse on the doorstep kind of present, but with candy.

I'll probably steal office supplies, but consider that a contribution to the arts.



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"Florida lawmakers are in the process of possibly passing a bill that prevents drivers in that state from displaying what?"

37% said "Replicas of Human Genitalia"
- As long as they are built to scale and educational, they are okay with this.

25% said "Guns"
- Are you kidding? This is Florida. Even the hearses have gun racks.

13% said "Religious Icons"
- They don't care, just as long as it's Christian.

25% got it right with "Ornamental Bull Testicles"

According to The Associated Press, metal replicas of bull testicles have become trendy bumper ornaments in some parts of the Sunshine State, but state Sen. Carey Baker is campaigning to ban the orbs. A similar bill in Virginia, aimed at rubber trailer hitch replicas of human genitalia, died in committee this year.

This is, again, a case of the government treating the symptom and not looking for a cure. A question to ask is, "Who the hell wants to have metal bull balls or rubber weenies on their trucks?" Trucks are supposed to compensate for having a small penis and, with the exception of the Oscar Mayer Weinermobile, not actually look like one.

The product line is called Bumper Nuts. And they come in all sorts of colors. Not sure why anyone would want to go with blue. Michigan fan?

Told 'em Good!

The Greatest Stories Never Told...TOLD!, opened last weekend at Gorilla Tango and things went exceptionally well. Chris Othic did an excellent job of prepping the cast of experienced improvisers and actors and packing such a big show into such a tiny space. Counter to my usual approach to a sketch revue, we are loaded up to the gills with props and costumes and set pieces. We even have a tree on stage (courtesy of Nat Topping and foam core board.) This is a very brave ensemble that tackled some difficult pieces to stage, including my take on The Legend of Pecos Bill. I'm very happy with how they figured out how to have Slue Foot Sue bounce so high her head hits the moon. We'll have a review or two coming out this week. I'll let you know if the authorities agree with my take on our production. (The cast from left to right: Mike Johnson, Tim Huerlin, Geoff Crump, Greg Wendling, Kate Lambert, Nat Topping and Jill Fenstermaker.)



METALUNA AND THE AMAZING SCIENCE OF THE MIND REVUE

...is cast! Jen did a great job assembling some fine actors. Some of worked with before, some I'm excited to be working with for the first time, and some who were in the first production with me. Can't wait to get started on this.

The cast for Metaluna and the Amazing Science of the Mind Revue is:

Haliday/Mrs. Holder – Mary Jo Bolduc
Dr. Carlton Twist – Michael Brownlee
Tristan Hannock – Dave Dasmalchian
Rupert Carol Oakes – Regan Davis
Marlena – Lisa Fairman
Mayor Armitage Shanks – Don Hall
Baden Baden – Joe Janes
Tiger – Michael Johnson
Irene Hannock – Rebecca Langguth
Freud/Uncle Louie – Dennis Newport
Nattie Shanks – Erin Orr
Balthazaar – Jeff Shivar
Antoine – Joel Vining

The run of this show is:  July 17th - August 16th, Thursday - Sunday, at The Red Orchid Theater on Wells Street.



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

On Friday, I asked...

"Considered to be NBC's top choice to replace Conan O'Brien when Conan takes over for Leno is whom?"

6% said "Tina Fey"
- Probably not. She's a little busy right now.

6% said "Ryan Seacrest"
- Nope. They actually went with someone with a personality.

No one, rightfully, thought it was "Pauly Shore"

88% got it right with "Jimmy Fallon"

According to The Associated Press, for months, Fallon has been widely considered the top choice to succeed O'Brien when he steps down next year. Last week, published reports said Fallon has signed, or soon will sign, a deal with NBC.

I have my doubts about Jimmy Fallon as a host...or actor...or sketch comedian...but you have to give Lorne Michaels credits. Lorne also produces Late Night and when Conan started, he gave him plenty of time to get good at the job, sticking with him when many critics were begging for the plug to be pulled. However, Lorne seems to be the only person in the world who thinks Jimmy Fallon has any talent. Being cute, which Fallon is very good at, isn't a talent, it's a skill. Like giving blowjobs to producers. Something else he must be good at to justify his career.

The Greatest Stories Never Told...TOLD!

Yesterday was one of those days where I had to be somewhere early and didn't end up near a computer again until 2pm. My humble apologies to my countless readers (well, countless because my mind wanders) who checked in to Bite and Smile and got bupkiss.

One thing I did yesterday morning was help out at an 826 workshop. We were working with a class of fifth graders from an elementary school on the south side. In this workshop, we all got to work with a small group of kids and write a story together. They wrote, I typed and nudged them along. I had three girls who wanted to tell a mushy love story about Johnny and Akeelma who met in pre-school and are still together! It was called Johnny and Alkeema's Pre-School Kiss. It had a bit of a Romeo and Juliet thing going on. Johnny and Akeelma fell in love, but were torn apart by Johnny's mother who was big and mean. It didn't work out for Johnny and Akeelma until five years later when Johnny's mother went down to Florida to fight all the alligators for money and the young lovers could spend some time together without fear. Sigh...very romantic. I love working with kids and these three young ladies were throwing in everything they could into the story. If we had another day and unlimited space for their book, we would have had the full Johnny/Akeelma biography.


NO ROBOWRITERS TOMORROW!

Because of RvD's opening production of The Greatest Stories Never Told...TOLD! we are cancelling robowriters for April 26th and May 3rd. We will return on the 10th. Come see our show. It's a lot of fun and there are worse things you could do with ten bucks.


THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

On Wednesday, I asked...

"A lab technician in Aurangabad, India is under arrest for stealing and trying to sell what?"

54% said "A Bollywood actor's mole"
- The are crazier than we are when it comes to celebrity. It's always a good thing when you can point to someone worse than you on something.

9% said "Placebos"
- And someone bought them with counterfeit money.

9% said "Drug-laced rabbits"
- What's up, Doc? No. Really. What's up? Got anything? Help me out here.

24% got it right with "Sperm"

According to The Associated Press, a laboratory technician who allegedly tried to make a quick buck by stealing samples from the Indian sperm bank where he worked has been arrested after a doctor tipped off police, authorities said Tuesday. The employee allegedly stole the sperm from a sperm bank in the western city of Aurangabad, and tried to sell 101 vials of it to a doctor in Mumbai for about $625. The doctor declined and called police. Infertility expert Dr. Aniruddha Malpani described the alleged theft as "bizarre" because vials that are not properly labeled would be "worse than useless." "Anyone would have a hard time selling sperm vials. They must be stored in a liquid nitrogen container. It doesn't make any sense," Malpani said.

This is why I keep my sperm labeled and on ice. Look for it on eBay. This stuff is just too good to keep to myself.

Listen to Your Scene

Currently, I am teaching an outstanding Writing I class on Tuesday nights at Second City. Last night, the in-coming assignment was a Moral Dilemma scene. A Moral Dilemma scene is where you paint your main character into a corner where in order to get what they want, they'll have to do something immoral like lie, cheat or steal. The classic example is finding a wallet full of money. Do you try to find the owner or pocket the money? Now, that in and of itself, is not such an interesting situation. However, if your main character is about to be evicted and has been reduced to eating free condiments out of foil packets for sustenance, then it gets a little better. If he knows the wallet was dropped by a little old man on his way to the pharmacy or the bank and it's someone he knows, then things perk up a bit. If the money is a substantial amount, enough to cover his debts and a little extra, we also raise the stakes. There may be another angle of adding that the main character is in Jesuit school or something, but that may be one thing too many. It's a good exercise for practicing heightening your scenes and seeing how much you can believably build the dilemma and while having the audience be able to relate to it.

What was interesting last night is how many scenes demonstrated the need for the writer to listen. On a very literal level, I mean actually read your scene out loud and listen to it. By doing that, you are likely to catch anything from syntax errors to repetitiveness to phrases that just don't roll off the tongue very well. On an internal level, listen to your characters and the scene itself. What are the characters trying to tell you? What do they want? What does the scene want? Sometimes a scene wants to go in a direction different from where the writer is taking it. Usually it's buried in an aside or shown through another character whose more interesting than the main character. In one scene last night, there was a character who lied about romantically seeing the bosses daughter - the bosses fifteen year old daughter, he finds out - to deflect attention from what he was really hiding. His lie, in my opinion, was more interesting than the truth and very scene worthy.

Listen to your scenes!

THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"Pastor Roger Byrd of the Jonesville Church of God is stirring controversy since he posted which message on the sign of his church?"

50% said "God hates fags, women and Muslims"
- I think God hates God and has self-esteem issues.
9% said "Hillary, Bill, do they both wear the pants in the family?"
- Clearly, they both do. But underneath, Bill wears boxers and Hillary wears a strap-on.
9% said "John McCain and George Bush have kissed. Gay?"
- Gay for war. They love war so much, why don't they marry it?
27% got it right with "Obama, Osama, humm, are they brothers?"

According to WYFF Channel 4, Pastor Roger Byrd of Jonesville, S.C, said that he just wanted to get people thinking. So last Thursday, he put a new message on the sign at the Jonesville Church of God. It reads: "Obama, Osama, humm, are they brothers?"Byrd said that the message wasn't meant to be racial or political.

Not racial or political? Then what is it? An ice-breaker? Forget that he's a Christian church leader trying to link a presidential candidate to a notorious terrorist. Let's just look at his logic. Because of a one consonant difference, there's a possibility Obama and Osama are brothers? First off, Obama is his last name. Osama is the other guy's first name. Hmm, I wonder if Julia Roberts and Robert Deniro are brother and sister? Unless one was named Osama Obama or the other Barack Bin-Laden, then I am pretty sure they are not brothers.

I wonder if Roger Byrd is any relation to Jolly Roger? Doesn't matter any more. He took the sign down yesterday due to the national outcry over his stupidity.