Kiss It

Today's post goes beyond the usual snarky commentary and addresses something very important to all of us - kissing.

In a relationship, it's a make or break deal. You can be a match all across the board, but if the parts don't fit right in a lip-lock, forget it. For me, the deal-breaker is kisses that are too sloppy and wet. I don't want to continuously pause the romance to put on a lobster bib or grab at paper towels.

Fortunately, Ronnie Koenig has compiled a list of tips on how to be a better kisser over at the website Tango. Generally, all pretty good tips with some being a matter of personal taste. For example, tip number one is Let Him Initiate. Aside from being sexist, confusing to homosexuals and not including lesbians, I don't agree with it. I think it depends on the situation.

Here are the only absolute times when a man should initiate a kiss...

- When the woman is bound and gagged. A woman, particularly a gagged woman, might not think you are interested in a kiss and will likely shy away from offering one. Here, it makes for an important romantic gesture that tells your partner you're interested in more than just degrading her. I find an open mouth kiss helpful in negotiating around a ball gag. (side note: If you are a man and you are the one bound and gagged - do not initiate a kiss. Good rule of thumb: The person with the riding crop and nipple clamps decides what gets kissed and when.)

- At the end of a job interview. If the person interviewing me for a position is a woman, I will always end with a big smooch. I think this shows confidence and a definite interest in working for the company.

- At a funeral. A widow has just lost her husband and needs reassurance that she's still attractive and that life will go on. Nothing says this better than a lively tongue down a grieving throat.

Other than these situations, ladies, if you want a kiss, go for it. Guys are dumb. We don't always read the signs. We still may not get it after you grab us and plant one on us.


THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"Victor Rodriguez of Bridgeport, Connecticut is under arrest after doing what?"

40% said "Scaring drive-thru workers with his pet python"
- These people have seen everything. I doubt they'd give it a second glance, unless he tried to pay for his meal with it.

40% said "Wearing only his pet python outdoors"
- Hmm, a py-thong?

No one said "Selling his pet python in an alley"

20% got it right with "Ordering his pet python to attack the police"

According to The Connecticut Post, officers dispatched to investigate a domestic complaint in Bridgeport were confronted by a man and his huge pet reptile, "and he was saying, 'Get them!' " according to Lt. James Viadero, the police spokesman.

Victor Rodriguez, 21, was allegedly threatening his girlfriend with the reptile and refused to open the door for the officers.

Not known for their attacking - or listening - skills, no one was attacked by the snake. Rodriguez was taken away in handcuffs. The snake managed to slip out of his shackles and is now considered to be on the slither.

McCain and O'Bama

Two Irish guys duking it out to become the next President of the United States. With the exception of their Éire roots, no two candidates could be more different from one another - unless one of them had a vagina. Which, to be honest, has yet to be determined. O'Bama did have a suspicious camel toe in that infamous picture of him coming out of the water at the beach.

Here's one thing they do have in common - a blog! Both candidates have blogs linked to their official websites. Just like me, they write about the big whatever and hope their family and friends read what's on their mind.

I took the opportunity to meme them and have posted their responses.

BARRACK OBAMA

1) Why do you blog?
a) Scarlett Johannsen thinks it's cool.

2) What are you listening to on your iPod?
a) "Mista Mista" by The Fugees. Mista mista/Can I get five dollars/So I can get something to eat/Hell no motherfucka/You can’t get no money from me. I have it as my ringtone.

3) What's your favorite TV show?
a) "24" - before they shot the black president.

4) If you were a gay man, what famous man would you like to marry?
a) Martin Luther King. As long as he promised not to fool around on me.

5) If you could change one thing about your appearance, what would it be?
a) My ears. They're too big. It makes it difficult to wear hats. I never know whether to tuck them in or not.

JOHN McCAIN

1) Why do you blog?
a) To keep you safe.

2) What are you listening to on your iPod?
a) That's not an iPod. It helps me hear better. However, when I get the opportunity, I like to crank up the portable record player and get pumped up to Abba's "Take A Chance On Me." If you change your mind, I’m the first in line/Honey I’m still free/Take a chance on me. Errr, I feel like I can take on the world! Or, at least Iran.

3) What's your favorite TV show?
a) "24" - Good tips.

4) If you were a gay man, what famous man would you like to marry?
a) I'm already married, so it would have to be an affair. George W. Bush. Hell, I'm already in bed with him. May as well seal the deal. Joe Lieberman would be up there, but I don't want to have to explain to mom why a j-e-w is sneaking out of the house.

5) If you could change one thing about your appearance, what would it be?
a) I would like to have not had cancer. Or be old. But you said just one thing.



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"Judge Pete Zahra in Australia halted a drugs trial because several jurors admitted to doing what during proceedings?"

33% said "Texting"
- GLTY!

No one said "Sleeping" or "Drugs"

67% got it right with "Sudoku"

According to BBC News, Judge Peter Zahra aborted proceedings after the jury forewoman admitted she and four others had been playing the popular puzzles to fight off boredom. The problem was discovered when some of the jurors were observed writing notes vertically rather than horizontally. The three-month trial had cost taxpayers more than A$1m (US$945,000) and the two accused men faced possible life sentences.

Nothing like being judged by a jury of your peers.

See, this is the problem with courtroom dramas. Shows like Law and Order make it look too exciting. What a let down to finally be on a jury and discover how inane and tedious the whole thing is. These jurors should not be thrown off the jury. The defender, the prosecutor, and, yes, even the witnesses should be told to spice it up a bit. The accused should be encouraged to have emotional and physical outbursts. Friends and relatives should be openly wailing and gnashing their teeth. Clearly, these folks don't need justice. They need a drama coach.

Tim Russert and the 27 Virgins

As I am sure you know by now, Tim Russert, host of Meet the Press, passed away suddenly last Friday afternoon. He was one of my favorite television journalists. A big guy with a down-to-earth approach and an easy-going sense of humor. He had a very grounded presence and just had a great way of making sense of things. He will be sorely missed as we go into this very important presidential election.

THE CIRCUS HAS LEFT TOWN

Good friend and founding member of Soiree Dada, Circus-Szalewski has officially and finally(!) moved to Los Angeles. I was fortunate enough to catch up with him at the Green Mill last night. The Dada boys have haunted that place and it was a fitting venue for his departure. It was also an opportunity for Circus and Julie to meet. As Julie put it, "For a guy named Circus, he's pretty normal. He might just be the most normal friend you have."


ROBOWRITER ASSIGNMENT

The assignment this week is to write about heaven. Your concept of heaven, a well accepted concept of heaven, or even just a situation where someone's dreams come true. It's a good opportunity for some social satire by taking a closer look at "wouldn't it be great dreams" and seeing that, on closer inspection, they may not be so great.

I'll give you an example by sharing an idea I am working on. I am fascinated by suicide bombers and that what seems to be one of their primary motivations - that they will be greeted in heaven by 27 virgins. For heaven, that sounds like a pretty naughty proposition. There must be a catch.

Let's explore a closer look with a list of ten...

1) They're all babies.
2) They're all virgins for a reason - all very grotesque.
3) Nope. It's 100% true and they are all on the same cycle.
4) It's true and they all really act like virgins. They want the time to be right. They want to make sure you really love them, etc.
5) It's true and shortly they are all pregnant and you have to raise 27 kids.
6) They are all exceptionally inexperienced and just not getting the hang of this sex thing.
7) They're all guys.
8) It's a mixed bag of all these because they had a tough time finding 27 virgins.
9) They are all in competition with the others and don't get along. They act like it's The Bachelor.
10) They don't like him. They all act like entitled sorority girls and make the suicide bomber feel belittled and out of place.

Lots of possibilities. I like the last one a lot. I also like the one where they really are virgins and act like it. There are others I like, but they are more like short one-joke blackouts, like "babies" or "all guys." If I want to write a full scene, I need something that will demand more character development.

So, pick your heaven. And then start poking holes in it. Have fun.

THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

On Friday, I asked...

"Barack Obama has a new website addressing rumors about him called what?"

25% said "IAmNotATerrorist.com"
- That's fine, but he'll also need a .com for IAmNotAMarxist, IAmNotAnElitist, IAmNotRacist, IAmNotUnpatriotic and IAmNotTheAntichrist.

9% said "SmearTheFears.com"
- I liked this one because it reminded me of the offensively titled childhood game of Smear the Queer. It was the only game where I was labeled a queer for catching a ball.

8% said "DontBeAnIdiot.com"
- If urls had subtext, this would be it.

58% got it right with "FightTheSmears.com"

According to the International Herald Tribune, after trying for months to bat down a swirl of wild rumors in more conventional ways, the presidential campaign of Barack Obama started a Web site last Thursday intended to quash such reports. The site, FightTheSmears.com, lists - and seeks to explode - these rumors.

This is probably a good idea. Most candidates will ignore the rumors and try not to dignify them with comments. That doesn't make them go away. The only thing it ignores is that people anxiously willing to buy into rumors are probably not likely to check their validity.

But all the rumor refuting in the world isn't going to make me vote for a guy the right wing tells me doesn't wear a flag pin, has Hussein for a middle name and flashes terrorist signs to his wife at rallies. McCain has shrewdly changed his campaign slogan to "I'm white."

You Say Tomato, I Say Knob of Red Death

From over at The Huffington Post...

WASHINGTON — The toll from salmonella-tainted tomatoes jumped to 228 illnesses Thursday as the government learned of five dozen previously unknown cases and said it is possible the food poisoning contributed to a cancer patient's death.

The Food and Drug Administration has not pinpointed the source of the outbreak. With the latest known illness striking on June 1, officials also are not sure if all the tainted tomatoes are off the market.

On the do-not-eat list are raw red plum, red Roma or red round tomatoes, unless they were grown in specific states or countries that the FDA has cleared because they were not harvesting when the outbreak began or were not selling their tomatoes in places where people got sick.

The FDA is directing consumers to its Web site _ _ for updated lists of the safe regions. http://www.fda.gov

Read the full article HERE.

In spite of only three types of in-organically grown tomatoes being suspected, restaurants nationwide are throwing out their tomatoes by the heaping bushels. Leaving many homeless people, rats and struggling mortgage holders dining on the possibly tainted swollen red fruit. It's typical of we Americans to overreact to any slightly threatening situation (Freedom Fries, anyone?). No one has died. Except for that guy who had cancer. My heart goes out to him. It would be my luck to go that way. He had received good news about his condition and was out celebrating. "Hey, Everybody! The doctor's say my cancer is in remission. Let's party! Hey, this salsa is fantas-C-R-O-A-K!"

The result is a lot of wasted tomatoes. More waste than asking Paris Hilton to rehearse for a film role. The green in me cannot stand for such foolishness. These red tomatoes need to be utilized.

Mr. and Mrs. America, pick up your Lycopersicon esculentum! Don't throw them out. Throw them at a target. Tossing a spoiled tomato at a lame performer is a time-honored tradition long forgotten in entertainment.

Sadly, not everyone goes to see live performances anymore, so we have to pick new targets.

Keep a basket of tomatoes near the recliner while watching the television. Some particularly good targets include...

- John McCain whenever he gets that awkward smile and tries to be funny. "That's change we can believe in-PLOOP!"

- Bankruptcy attorneys doing their own commercials. "I'm Peter Francis Gera-KER-SMOOSH!"

- Fox News Anchors - "A knowing glance or did Obama use a terrorist left eyebrow raise? - SMOCK-PLOOSH!" (They get two tomatoes.)

Keep some near the window so you can drop them on dog owners who let their canines poop anywhere on your path from the front door to your car.

Pack a few in your glove compartment for that asshole who honks his or her car horn right behind you when the slow down is being caused far ahead of you.

Take them to the movies and use them on patrons chatting on cellphones. "Where you at-SMACKEESH!"

For you traditionalists, Legally Blond - The Musical, is coming to Chicago. Seats available at vividseats.com (plug!). I hear salmonella red is the new pink.




ROBOWRITERS TOMORROW

Hey! After taking a week off for a wedding surplus, we return. Saturday at 1pm at Gorilla Tango, 1919 North Milwaukee near Western. Bring your sketches, bring your ideas, bring your funny voices, leave with a better scene and an idea or two for a new scene. $5.


THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"An obscenity trial in San Francisco was suspended when what was discovered?"

57% said "People observing the trial were caught masturbating."
- The trench coats in June were a dead giveaway. That and the pulsating squishy sound.

14% said "The defendant is a nudist minister."
- Do not take communion from this man. Not someone I want to kneel down in front of to eat of the body.

No one thought it was "The prosecutor collects videos of school girls."

28% got it right with "The judge posted porn to his own website."

According to The Associated Press, Alex Kozinski is more accustomed to appearing on lists to fill U.S. Supreme Court vacancies than headlines involving pornographic scandals.

But on Wednesday, the chief judge of the country's largest federal appeals court was forced to suspend an obscenity trial he was presiding over after sexually explicit images posted to his personal Web site became public.

Kozinski, 57, told the Times he thought the material on his site, which included a video of a man cavorting with a sexually aroused farm animal, couldn't be seen by the public. The judge said he didn't believe any of the images were obscene.

Not obscene? Is it an artistic romp with a goat? Was the man playfully seduced by the goat ala Tom Jones? Was it filmed by Ingmar Bergman? Nanny and Alexander? Did it make it okay because the goat was a female? A male goat would have really been obscene. Did it avoid being obscene because the man in the video is a Capricorn, thus making it symbolic of his struggle for meaning in the universe?

If this judge needs a lawyer, he should call me.

In the meantime, I hope his robes are salmonella resistant.

Newz Quis

Yesterday, I asked...

"Specifically for Muslim women, there's an operation now available that does what?"

16% said "Helps one be obedient to one's husband"
- There's a name for that operation. It's called a pre-nup.

9% said "Keeps one from sweating in one's burka"
- No operation needed. Use the new Speedo mesh burka.

No one said "Makes one's butt bigger"

75% got it right with "Restores virginity"

According to the International Herald Tribune, the surgery in the private clinic off involved one semicircular cut, 10 self-dissolving stitches and a discounted fee of $2,900.

But for the patient, a 23-year-old French student of Moroccan descent from Montpellier, the 30-minute procedure represented the key to a new life: the illusion of virginity.

Like an increasing number of other Muslim women in Europe, she had a "hymenoplasty," a restoration of her hymen, the thin vaginal membrane that normally breaks during the first act of intercourse.

"In my culture, not to be a virgin is to be dirt," said the student, perched on a hospital bed as she awaited surgery Thursday. "Right now, virginity is more important to me than life."

These people really need to stop romanticizing that whole virginity thing. Any guy will tell you that a woman who's a little dirty is a lot more fun in the bedroom than someone who is pure. And having the illusion of purity means you're willing to start off your marriage with a lie. Lying should really come later. Like when your husband discovers someone else's beard hairs on your burka.

Seriously - Impeach Bush!

Support Rep. Kucinich's Articles of Impeachment

Rep. Dennis Kucinich performed a heroic service for our Nation by introducing 35 Articles of Impeachment against President George W. Bush.

Rep. Kucinich thoroughly research and and documented every single article. Any one Article would be sufficient grounds for impeaching Bush and removing him from office; taken together, the case for impeachment is overwhelming and urgent.

Here are just a few...

Article I
Creating a Secret Propaganda Campaign to Manufacture a False Case for War Against Iraq.

Article II
Falsely, Systematically, and with Criminal Intent Conflating the Attacks of September 11, 2001, With Misrepresentation of Iraq as a Security Threat as Part of Fraudulent Justification for a War of Aggression.

Article III
Misleading the American People and Members of Congress to Believe Iraq Possessed Weapons of Mass Destruction, to Manufacture a False Case for War.

Article IV
Misleading the American People and Members of Congress to Believe Iraq Posed an Imminent Threat to the United States.

Article V
Illegally Misspending Funds to Secretly Begin a War of Aggression.

Is it all about Iraq? Nope...

Article XXVIII
Tampering with Free and Fair Elections, Corruption of the Administration of Justice.

Article XXIX
Conspiracy to Violate the Voting Rights Act of 1965.

Article XXX
Misleading Congress and the American People in an Attempt to Destroy Medicare.

Article XXXI
Katrina: Failure to Plan for the Predicted Disaster of Hurricane Katrina, Failure to Respond to a Civil Emergency.

Article XXXII
Misleading Congress and the American People, Systematically Undermining Efforts to Address Global Climate Change.

Article XXXIII
Repeatedly Ignored and Failed to Respond to High Level Intelligence Warnings of Planned Terrorist Attacks in the US, Prior to 911.

Article XXXIV
Obstruction of the Investigation into the Attacks of September 11, 2001.

Article XXXV
Endangering the Health of 911 First Responders.

You can read all 35 of them HERE.

Leading democrats have continued to speak out against impeachment simply dismissing it as "off the table and justifying the complacency with "too much of a distraction." Yes, murder, mismanagement, unnecessary war and being a douche bag are distracting. But this guy and his henchmen are criminals. Our founding fathers would have tarred and feathered them and ran them out of DC long ago.

Show your support for justice by taking thirty seconds to fill this form out at Democrats.com.

http://www.democrats.com/35-articles-of-impeachment

It will automatically send e-mails to your representatives in congress saying you support holding the Bush administration accountable for their crimes.

Look. I know. Kucinich kind of looks like a weenie. Like a sickly elf with a bad toupee. But he's been the only one in congress with balls enough to stand up for justice, America and the American people while Bush and Cheney have been trying to shove the constitution and the bill of rights through a paper shredder.


THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"Mayawati, the cheif minister of the northern India state of Uttar Pradesh, ordered officials to replace a statue of herself because why?"

50% said "It made her butt look big."
- Nobody told her that bronze adds ten pounds.

25% said "It didn't reflect her new nose."
- Nope. Same old nose.

12% said "It didn't have arms."
- Venus de Mayawati?

13% got it right with "It was shorter than the other statues."

According to The Associated Press, Mayawati, the 5-foot tall chief minister of the northern India state of Uttar Pradesh, ordered officials to replace a 12-foot bronze statue of herself with a larger one because it was 3 feet shorter than nearby statues of other leaders.

It was three feet smaller because she's three feet smaller than the other leaders!

The combined cost of Mayawati's first statue and the one that replaced it last week was an estimated $950,000 — no small fee in a region of India notorious for its bad roads, spotty electricity and endemic poverty.

I think she has a future in America.

Here she is posing with her new statue.

Hey, Look to Your Left - A Sponsor!

Well, exciting things happening here. After several long meetings with upper management over the weekend at the International BS headquarters in Tulsa, we have decided to accept the offer of a sponsor. That's why the page looks different. Thought I'd gussie up a bit. VividSeats seems like a cool company. They are a Chicago-based service offering a friendly alternative to TicketBastard. Click on the image to the left to go to their website and use the code for 5% discount. Let me know how your experience is with them, too.

So, this means I am being paid to blog! How about them apples? I better start writing something good. So...Um...

Oh! Here's something you might not know. PopTarts - which used to be one of my favorite food groups - aren't vegetarian. They contain gelatin. A healthier alternative is Nature's Path's Toaster Pastries. They are yummy and even have flavors like cherry-pomegranate. You can find them at Trader Joe's, Whole Foods and sometimes in the organic health food section of the mainstream grocery stores.

There! I hope that info was worth the dollar a day I'm pulling in now.


THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"An American military supercomputer just set a calculation speed record. It is named what?"

37% said "Wile E. Coyote, Super Genius"
- By Acme. It is the fastest computer. When thrown off a cliff.

25% said "Taz"
- The cartoon version of HAL? "Good afternoon, gentlemen. I am a TAZ 9000 computer. I became operational at the T.A.Z. plant in Urbana, Illinois on the 12th of January 1992. My instructor was Mr. Langley, and he taught me to sing a song. If you'd like to hear it I can sing it for you. And then eat you."

12% said "Speedy Gonzales"
- A very fast computer. Just not very good at hopping fences. (Go Redskins!)

And 25% calculated it correctly with "Roadrunner"

According to the International Herald Tribune, an American military supercomputer, assembled from components originally designed for video game machines, has reached a long-sought-after computing milestone by processing more than 1.026 quadrillion calculations per second. The new $133 million supercomputer, called Roadrunner in a reference to the state bird of New Mexico, was devised and built by engineers and scientists at IBM and Los Alamos National Laboratory, based in Los Alamos, New Mexico. It will be used principally to solve classified military problems to ensure that the nation's stockpile of nuclear weapons will continue to work correctly as they age.

Here's a picture of the computer from AP Photo. It's going to require a lot of birdseed.