Week Nine, Day 57 - "Bully"

“Bully”
Written by Joe Janes
3/16/09
57 out of 365

CAST:
William, 20s
Melinda, 20s
Gary, 20s

(Lights up on Melinda and William sitting at a table in the office break room.)

WILLIAM

As you can see, Melinda, they really want to make it so you don’t ever have to leave the office.

MELINDA

I see, William. I never saw a vending machine before that doled out stamps and bus passes. And even has a mailbox.

WILLIAM

There’s food, too, including frozen entrees. I prefer to pack my own lunch.

(He takes out a small paper bag and takes a sandwich out of it.)

MELINDA

Me, too. (She takes out a more professional looking lunchbox and unzips it.) Is that peanut butter and jelly on whole wheat wrapped in wax paper?

WILLIAM

It is.

MELINDA

That’s what I have, too. Creamy or crunchy?

WILLIAM

Crunchy, of course.

MELINDA

Me, too!

WILLIAM

Well, isn’t that something?

MELINDA

I think I’m really going to enjoy working here, William. I really do.

WILLIAM

That’s good, Melinda. I’m glad to hear that.

MELINDA

Everyone seems so nice.

WILLIAM

Everyone is. Almost everyone.

MELINDA

Especially you.

WILLIAM

Oh, my.

(Gary enters.)

WILLIAM

Oh, darn it.

MELINDA

What is it?

WILLIAM

Don’t look.

GARY

Hey, Schnauzer Balls. Who’s the new chick?

WILLIAM (not looking at him)

The lady is Melinda. This is Gary.

GARY

Hello, Melinda. Has Schnauzer Balls shown you the copy room, yet?

MELINDA

William did.

GARY

Well, if you want a man to show you where everything goes, just let me know. I’ll show you all the ins and outs. What’s for lunch, Schnauzer Balls? (Gary grabs William’s lunch sack and starts looking through it.) Carrot sticks, apple, Little Debbie. Keep the carrot sticks. (Throws them on the table) But give me the PB & J. (Gary holds his hand out. William hands Gary the sandwich. Gary takes it and sticks his hand out, again. William takes the piece of sandwich in his mouth and puts it in Gary’s hand.) Bon appétit!

(Gary goes to another table, sits and begins eating.)

MELINDA

That was so rude!

WILLIAM

No, Melinda, it’s all right.

MELINDA

He took your lunch, William. It is not all right.

WILLIAM

Yes, it is. Yes, it is. The joke’s on him. I anticipated his hijinks. I brought two lunches. (William produces a second paper lunch bag. Gary reaches over and grabs that bag, too.) Shoot!

(Melinda gets up and stands next to Gary.)

MELINDA

Just who do you think you are?

GARY

I’m Gary.

MELINDA

Where do you get off taking people’s lunches, Gary?

WILLIAM

Melinda…

GARY

Who are you? His mommy? Hey, Schnauzer Balls, tell your mommy to back off.

MELINDA

Or what?

(Gary stands up and gets in Melinda’s face. She doesn’t back off.)

WILLIAM

Okay, okay. (He gets up and wedges himself uncomfortably in between them.) No need for that. We’re all professionals. Let’s just go back to our own tables and eat our lunches quietly.

GARY

Tell your woman she needs to learn to keep her nose out of other people’s business.

WILLIAM

My woman? Sure, I’ll tell her.

MELINDA

Shut up, William.

WILLIAM

Right away.

MELINDA (returning to her seat)

You can bully William all you like, but don’t ever try that with me.

GARY

“William” doesn’t mind. Do you, “William”?

WILLIAM

Nah…It’s all in fun. (Melinda looks at him) Maybe. I do. A little, I do, Gary. I mind.

GARY

You do? You don’t want to give me your lunches anymore?

WILLIAM

I don’t think I ever technically gave them to you or wanted to?

GARY

You calling me a thief? You want to step outside?

WILLIAM

We’re on the fiftieth floor.

GARY

So? You chicken? (makes chicken sounds)

MELINDA

You two are driving me crazy. This isn’t the playground. We’re adults. Grow up. Stop taking his lunches and you stop letting him. What’s Gary going to do? Beat you up?

WILLIAM

Yes.

GARY

Yes.

MELINDA

Well, he can’t. It’s against the law; you can have him arrested for assault. You can have him fired for even threatening you. Report him to the HR director.

WILLIAM

He is the HR director.

(Gary laughs.)

MELINDA (to Gary)

Then you should be ashamed of yourself.

(Gary gets up and walks to their table.)

GARY

Tell you what, William. You work on growing a pair and I’ll work on being less of a bully. Let me buy you a frozen entrée from the vending machine. Seriously. My treat. Whatever you want. What do you say?

WILLIAM

Okay.

(He escorts William off.)

MELINDA

That’s much better.

GARY (off)

Which one do you want?

WILLIAM (off)

Oh, I don’t know. The Turkey Tetrazzini Lean Cuisine looks good.

GARY (off)

Which one?

WILLIAM (off)

This one down here…Oh.

(William wobbles back to his chair.)

MELINDA

Did he buy your lunch?

WILLIAM

Change of plans. Gave me a wedgie, instead.

GARY (off)

See you tomorrow Schnauzer nuts! And no more carrot sticks!

(Blackout)

Week Eight, Day 56 - “We Reach With Radio, Part I”

"We Reach With Radio, Part I"
By Joe Janes
3/15/09
56 out of 365

Cast
Joe, late teens
Rob, mid-40’s



(1979. Joe is sitting at the console of a small radio station in small town Ohio. He wears corduroy slacks and a new, black concert t-shirt for Woody Herman and his Thundering Herd.)

JOE
… and at Bataan Elementary they’ll be having macaroni and cheese, green beans and a fruit cocktail. Go easy on those cocktails, kids. That’s it for school lunch menus. Weather and the news coming up in ten. Right now, here’s the latest from Gerry Rafferty on WRWR, 94.5 FM, We Reach With Radio…

(Joe flips a switch and we hear Gerry Rafferty’s “Right Down the Line” begins to play. Joe takes off his headphones and cues up the next record. Rob Rider enters and closes the door behind him. He wears a gray three-piece suit and carries some record albums.)

ROB

Good morning, Joe J.

JOE (turning down the music)

Morning, Rob. How are you?

ROB

Good, good, good. Well, okay. You know, it’s no longer “We Reach With Radio.” It’s “WRWR – We’re Radio Active.”

JOE

Oh, I thought it was either one.

ROB

Nope. Just “We’re Radio Active.”

JOE

Because of the new nuclear power plant they built outside of town.

ROB

It’s clever and topical.

JOE

That it is.

(Rob looks at turntable and spins his head around to read the label.)

ROB

I was also wondering why you were playing the side of a 45 that clearly doesn’t have a tan sticky on it.

JOE

Oh, I’m sorry. I guess I wasn’t paying attention. You know, this song has been getting a lot of airplay. You should consider giving it a tan sticky.

ROB

Perhaps. But remember, we only play rock and roll at night. Only adult contemporary during the day.

JOE

Right.

ROB

I brought in some new albums to put into the rotation, “Steve and Edie’s Greatest Hits”-

JOE

That’s an album?

ROB

Some Montavani and Roger Miller.

JOE

That’s… great. Let me double check something. Is it album-single-album-single? Or is it single-single-single-single-album?

ROB
It’s male vocalist single-album cut-instrumental single-album cut-female vocalist single-album cut-band single-album cut.

JOE
What should I do if I have a Steve & Edie single and their album is next in the stack? Do I play two in a row?

ROB
No, no. I think you should just skip over that album and go to the next album.

JOE
There’s also fewer instrumental singles than any other singles. I could end up playing “Hot Buttered Popcorn” two or three times in a shift.

ROB
I think that would be okay. Um… Joe J.? You wouldn’t know how this got into the adult contemporary “band single” rotation?

(Rob picks a 45 out of the bands single pile.)

JOE

What is it?

ROB

“Dog and Butterfly” by Heart. It clearly has a neon green sticky indicating rock. Heart is a rock and roll band. It does not belong here.

JOE

Have you heard the tune? It’s all acoustic guitar. Roger Miller out rocks it.

ROB

I see. Well, let’s keep it where it belongs for now. Have you seen Joe C. this morning?

JOE

Yeah.

ROB

He looks very nice today. Very professional. Shirt and tie. (Pause as he looks at Joe’s outfit.) Very well. I look forward to hearing Heart after 7pm.

(He exits. Joe turns the music back up, checks the log and organizes his commercial cartridges as “Right Down the Line” continues playing. Lights fade.)

Week Eight, Day 55 - “Happy Ending”

“Happy Ending”
Written by Joe Janes
3/14/09
55 of 365

CAST:
Miss Dugan, 30s

(Lights up on Miss Dugan, a young schoolteacher, seated in a small chair for children. She has a storybook in her hands. To her right and back is her desk.)

MISS DUGAN

Does everyone have their juice and cookies? Yes? Yes... Good. Everyone have a seat on your mat and we’ll have story time. Would you like me to tell you a story? Yes? Yes? ... Good. This is the story of “The Fairy Princess”… Once upon a time, there was a fairy princess… She lived in a castle with her mother, but they were all alone. She hoped one day to meet the handsome prince who lived in a bigger castle on the hill… (Her cell phone rings. She looks at the ID.) I am so sorry children, but Miss Dugan has to get this. It’s a very important telephone call… (She answers) Hello?... Yes. This is Marilyn Dugan…You have the results?… You’re sure?...Really? 100%?...I don’t think there’s a reason to go to a thousand percent; I understand that you are certain…Okay, then… Yes, indeedee, congratulations…thank you. (She hangs up and is quiet for a moment)… Oh, my, Miss Dugan forgot her juice…Can’t do story time without my juice…my potato juice…(She goes back to her desk, opens the bottom drawer, and pours vodka into a coffee cup. She takes a replenishing sip. Pours more vodka into the cup and returns to her seat.) Enjoy life while you can, kids, while you’re in those single digits… (She takes out a pack of cigarettes and lights up) Now, kids, what I am doing is bad. Smoking is bad, right? Don’t let me catch any of you smoking. It’s especially bad for mommies. Anybody have a little sister or little brother? Did your mommy get a really big fat belly? When mommies are fat is when smoking is really bad for them. Potato juice, too, but you know, everything in moderation. I still have some time before it does any serious damage… Ha, it’s vodka that got me into this mess. You’re not going to find the answer to life’s problem at the bottom of a juice box, Melvin…Miss Dugan met a prince, boys and girls… (sarcastically) a real Prince… Want to know what his name is? Yes? Yes...His name is Rick. What kind of name is Rick for a prince? Prince Rick. Can you think of any words that rhyme with Rick? …Crick... Chick. Like baby chick… Brick…Kick…Trick’s a good one…Prick… all very good boys and girls. All very good. Thick… there’s another one. You remember how Cinderella lost her glass slipper? Well, one time, Prince Rick lost his latex slipper…But he was very “slick” in making me, his gullible wannabe princess, believe that everything would be all right just as long as he pulled his pumpkin carriage out of the enchanted garage in time… And the very next day, Rick stopped calling…”Dick” – that’s another one. Miss Dugan doesn’t see Rick again until a week later when she sees him probing the esophagus of some bar slut’s throat with his tongue in a booth in the back of the Bennigan’s Miss Dugan sometimes goes to after school. I wonder if it’s a boy or a girl …Oh, sorry, where’s my mind? (She stomps out the cigarette on the floor). Let’s finish the story…(She starts flipping through the pages) Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, more bullshit, and they live happily ever after. Bullshit. Now, drink your juice.

(She sips her vodka. Blackout)

Week Eight, Day 54 - “Self-Storage”

“Self-Storage”
Written by Joe Janes
3/13/09
54 of 365

CAST:
Brownie, 40s
Turk, 40s

(Lights up on Brownie sitting at a table in front of his house. Next to him is a large lidded trash can. Turk walks up.)

TURK

Hey, Brownie.

BROWNIE

Turk.

TURK

Kind of small for a yard sale, isn’t it?

BROWNIE

Had a few things in self-storage I thought I’d try to get rid of. Maybe make a few dollars before I just give it all to the city dump.

TURK

I see.

BROWNIE

Had this stuff for years. Dragging it around from house-to-house, some for a few decades, even. Figured it was time to let it all go.

TURK (holding up pieces of something ceramic)

Sounds like a good plan. What’s this?

BROWNIE

Oh, that’s the vase I threw at my ex-wife’s head. A little super glue should make that right as rain.

TURK

I never knew you were married.

BROWNIE

Was. Very was. And the reason it became was is in your hands.

TURK

Looks like there’s some blood on it.

BROWNIE

Mahtilda had to get twelve stitches. Up near the hairline, so it’s not too bad. Not as bad as she thinks. Cost $1500 at the emergency room. Uh, here’s the bill. That’s for sale, too.

TURK

I’m guessing you were drunk as a skunk.

BROWNIE

I wish. Nope. Just an outraged asshole.

TURK

It happens. Broke my kid’s arm, once. Didn’t mean to, just, errrrr…don’t get ice cream on the leather car seat, you know?

BROWNIE

I know, I know.

TURK

I’ll think about the vase. Not much of a flower guy, but my mom might like it.

BROWNIE

Take both. I’ll throw in the bill for free. Just looking to let it all go. You need a gift for your mom?

TURK

Birthday’s coming up. 73, or four, maybe six. Not sure I want to spend too much. She’ll be dead soon and I might not get it back.

BROWNIE (looks around table)

Mom, mom, mom…here’s a birthday card I got my mom and never sent. I wrote all over the front, back and inside about how I hated her, how she never was there for me, how she let dad walk all over her. Really poured my guts out. Lot of hateful, spiteful things. Never sent it, though. Still has a stamp on it.

TURK

It’s heavy. Twenty-cent stamp. That was some time ago.

BROWNIE

College. I was the angry young man. Fuck you, God (flips off the sky).

TURK

Ever tell your mom about it?

BROWNIE

She died two years later. So, no. I think she knew how I felt, though. Let you have it for a buck.

TURK

I’m going to take you up on that. Whew. This smells a little ripe.

BROWNIE

Oh, that. I’ve done lots of stupid stuff out of anger, but that’s probably the one thing I want to get rid of the most.

TURKS

Looks like little kid pants.

BROWNIE

Yep. Tan corduroy. Parents got them for me when I performed in the Christmas pageant at school in the sixth grade. Front and center, me singing “O Holy Night.”

TURK

Solo?

BROWNIE

Solo. I had a great singing voice before the gonads dropped and took my vocal cords with ‘em. Right in the middle of the first verse, right around “Fall on your knees,” I pissed myself.

TURK

That’s awful.

BROWNIE

Shows up nice and dark when you’re wearing tan corduroy.

TURK

People start laughing?

BROWNIE

Howling, convulsing and falling out of their seats is more like it.

TURK

Wow. I feel bad just hearing it.

BROWNIE

Would have finished my solo, too, if I hadn’t freaked out so much that I crapped myself. Left a trail of heel marks when I ran off the stage. That’s when my dad gave me the nickname “Brownie.”

TURK

I always wondered. Well, I’m going to take this card off your hands (hands Brownie a dollar). I think my mother will appreciate the thought. Good luck getting rid of everything else.

BROWNIE

Thanks, Turk. See you at the bowling alley.

(Turk walks off. Brownie sits there for a moment. He sees that no one else is coming up. He takes all the junk on the table and quickly sweeps it into the trashcan, slamming the lid on it and moving it downstage as to put it on the curb. He walks into his house. A moment later, he rushes back out, grabs the can and takes it back in with him. Blackout.)

Week Eight, Day 53 - “Dried and Cured Meats”

“Dried and Cured Meats”
Written by Joe Janes
3/12/09
53 of 365

CAST
Will, 50s
Darla, 30s
Nancy, 20
Clerk, old

(Lights up on Will sitting at a small table at a convenience store/gas station. Darla enters. They are both very professional looking. Upstage left is a clerk at a counter counting money from a register.)

WILL

Darla!

DARLA

Mr. Darnell.

WILL

Please, call me Will.

DARLA

Thanks, Will. Glad to get a second interview. This is an unusual place to meet.

WILL

Hey, when you’re on the go, you’re on the go. Want some coffee?

DARLA

Oh, no thank you.

(Will refills his cup at a coffee urn and loads his suit coat pockets with creamers.)

WILL

They also have individually wrapped Pop Tarts near the register, if you are so inclined.

DARLA

Really. I’m fine.

CLERK

Hey, refills ain’t free. One dollar.

WILL

No problem, no problem. Can you break a fifty?

CLERK

You know I can’t break a fifty.

WILL

Gee, not sure what to do here…Darla, I hate to ask –

DARLA

Oh! No problem. Here.

(She hands him a dollar from her purse.)

WILL

Thank you so much. I’ll catch you later. Cool?

(He hands the clerk the dollar.)

DARLA

Think nothing of it. No big deal.

Will (sitting)

So, Darla…Everyone was really impressed with your resume and what I had to say about you.

DARLA

Good to hear.

WILL

Everyone’s certain you’re the VP of operations we need to turn this Darnell Investments around.

DARLA

Well, I’m very excited about the possibility. I really enjoyed all the people I met last week. I can see myself getting along really well there.

WILL

Excellent…Excellent… Oh, that was a job offer, by the way.

DARLA

Really? Great! That’s great. Tell me more.

WILL

Well, you can start immediately. As soon as you’re able. Tomorrow?

DARLA

Will, I don’t mean to sound ungrateful, but we haven’t even discussed salary or benefits.

WILL (sucking through his teeth)

We’ll have to move some things around, but I could give you a figure sometime next week.

DARLA

You want me to start working without knowing what I’m making?

WILL

I’d like to get you started, right away. You’re bright. You’ve got some great ideas that can really take this company in new, exciting directions. You like the job, you want the job. I say, why not jump in? The water’s fine. We’ll figure things out as we go.

DARLA

Right. I see. How come we’re not meeting at your office?

WILL

My office? What’s an office? A place where I do business? I do business anywhere and everywhere. Any time, anyhow. You could say this is my office.

(Nancy the intern enters and sets a small stack of papers down next to Will.)

NANCY

Here are print outs of your e-mail from the public library, Mr. Darnell.

WILL

Oh, thank you, Nancy.

NANCY

You’re welcome, Sir. If you don’t need me, I’ll be taking my lunch break.

(She walks away)

WILL

Very good, Nancy. (She returns) I wanted both my business and personal e-mails. Don’t worry about it, now. Go grab them after your meal. We’ll dock the extra cost in time from your stipend.

NANCY

I understand, sir. Sorry about that. Well, if you don’t need me for anything else, I’ll be standing ten feet away from you, over there. Gnawing on various dried and cured meats. (She does)

WILL

Don’t know why they call ‘em cured meats. That cow ain’t getting back up. That girl could eat her weight in beef jerky. Oh, Nancy.

DARLA

Is that your administrative assistant?

WILL

No, no. Intern. Just started. A little green, but I think under my mentorship, she’ll blossom. Speaking of blossoming, how soon can I order your new business cards, Darla?

DARLA

I’m afraid I’ll have to pass, Will…

WILL

Please, don’t say no-

DARLA

I really don’t think-

WILL

We need you, Darla. We really need you. Please. This company is sinking like a rock. We got evicted last week. All my employees left.

DARLA

Darnell Investments had over 100 employees. Who’s left?

WILL

Me. Just me.

DARLA

Wow.

WILL

And Nancy.

(He waves to her; she waves back, mouth full of jerky.)

DARLA

Will, I’m sorry your company has fallen on such hard times. But I need something more stable. For my career. For my life. I’m looking for a company I can invest in for a long time.

WILL

Do you have any money?

DARLA

To invest in your company?

WILL

Uh, no. I need to pay for Nancy’s eating habit. Part of our deal.

(Darla sighs. She puts a five-dollar bill on the table.)

WILL (continuing)

Thanks, Darla. You’re a saint. I’ll catch you later. Really.

DARLA

Right.

(She leaves.)

WILL (picking up money)

Hey, Nancy! Time to raise some capital. Buy five instant lottery tickets. I feel lucky!

(Blackout)

Week Eight, Day 52 - “Icicles of Evil”

“Icicles of Evil”
Written by Joe Janes
3/11/09
52 of 365

CAST:
Curtis
Terry
The Icicle
Slick
Frosty
The Great Justifier

(Lights up on a 7/11 late at night. Curtis, wearing a hoodie and a knit cap, approaches Terry, the clerk.)

CURTIS

Hey, how’s it going?

TERRY

Hey…know what you want?

CURTIS

Sure, man, sure. Um, get me one of those packs of spearmint gum and…a…pack of…Viceroys.

(Terry turns away to get the items. Curtis pulls his cap down revealing it to be a ski mask. He thrusts his pocketed hand forward as if he had a gun. Terry turns back around.)

TERRY

Anything else?

CURTIS

Yeah, (reading his name tag) Terry, give me all your cash.

TERRY

Aw, c’mon, man, I was already robbed twice this week.

CURTIS

Well, third time’s a charm. Empty out the register. Just give me the bills.

(Slick and Frosty burst through the doors followed by bounty of manufactured fog and The Evil Icicle who is brandishing an ice gun which looks like some kind of sci-fi rifle.)

ICICLE

Everybody FREEZE!

TERRY

The Evil Icicle!

ICICLE

That’s right! And this is a robbery!

CURTIS

This already is a robbery, asshole.

ICICLE

Tut, tut, my fellow ski-masked fiend. (He lifts Curtis’s mask.) Just keep your cool. Slick, Frosty – grab the register.

(Slick and Frosty do so and bring it toward the door.)

CURTIS

Man, why are you trespassing on my turf?

TERRY

Don’t you usually rob stuff like banks and stuff?

ICICLE

These are tough times (reading his nametag) Terry. Banks are closing right and left and those that are left don’t have much cash on hand. I have an evil empire to run and must keep the cash flowing in by all means possible, even if it means knocking off the occasional 7/11.

CURTIS

What you’re doing is cold.

ICICLE

Thank you.

CURTIS

I mean, it’s wrong. This is my job. I need that money.

ICICLE

For what? Are you trying to bring the United Nations to its knees by controlling the world’s blizzards from outer space? No? Not on your puny agenda? I thought not. Weather machines don’t grow on trees, let me tell you.

CURTIS

You’re taking money out of my family’s mouth by stealing the money I was about to steal. My wife is going to kill me.

ICICLE

Here. Give her one of these panties shaped into a flower. (He hands Curtis one from the counter.) Sure to melt a woman’s polar-capped heart.

CURTIS

Not married are you?

ICICLE

Little busy conquering the world, right boys. (Slick and Frosty nod their heads.) Oh, and hand me your wallet.

CURTIS

Taking my gig and taking my wallet. (Hands Icicle his wallet) What kind of robber robs a robber?

ICICLE

You are hardly in my league, icehole. (Looks at Curtis’s ID in his wallet) I’m sorry, Curtis. Do you have a gun that shoots poison-tipped icicles?

CURTIS

Nope. (Shoots Icicle with is handgun) Just a gun that shoots bullets, jackass.

(Icicle collapses into Curtis.)

ICICLE

You iced, iced me, baby. Tell mommy I tried to be a good boy…so cold…so cold…

(He collapses to the floor. Slick and Frosty are stunned.)

CURTIS

You want some of this?

(Slick and Frosty run away, leaving the cash register. Curtis retrieves his wallet.)

TERRY

Dude. You probably just saved the world.

CURTIS

Yeah. I guess so.

TERRY

Take the money. It’s cool.

CURTIS

Yeah. Okay. I really do have to. The wife and all.

(The Great Justifier bursts through the door in his tights and cape.)

JUSTIFIER

Stop, Evil Icicle! The Great Justifier is here. Um, hey – Who shot the bad guy?

(Curtis shoots The Great Justifier who collapses on top of The Evil Icicle.)

TERRY

Just go.

CURTIS

Yeah, I’m out of here.

(Blackout.)

Week Eight, Day 51 - “The Day The Earth Stood By Waiting, Hoping”

“The Day The Earth Stood By Waiting, Hoping”
Written by Joe Janes
3/10/09
51 of 365

CAST:
Gat
Konar

(In the dark, a spaceship lands on stage. Lights rise as the door to the spaceship lowers. Gat, a giant metallic robot, comes out and stands to the side of the door. Konar, a humanoid alien in a space suit comes out and stands just downstage of Gat. He removes his helmet showing he’s a pleasant looking fellow.)

KONAR

People of Earth, I am Konar from the star system Zoonaughk several galaxies from here. You are not alone in the universe. We have received your many space probes, heard your signals, and detected your listening and observation devices. We know that you have been continuously watching and listening to the skies for over fifty earth years. I have a message for you. Please listen closely. You need to stop. Enough is enough. Take the hint. We’re busy. We have a lot on our plate. We are a highly evolved species. Some might say we are a little out of your league. Besides, let’s be honest, you have a lot of issues you need to work out. Pollution, economics, government, and this thing you have for frying all manner of food. You’re clearly not ready to be in a relationship with us. We can’t help but think you are only interested in us because you want us to “rescue” you. We worked hard for our speed-of-light travel, non-evasive medical techniques and our culture that nurtures and empowers the individual. We don’t need someone leeching off us. Been there, done that, thank you Moon of Nyberg. We won’t be making that mistake, again. Oh, and could you please stop cluttering up the universe with your radio and television transmissions? Don’t you have anything better to do with your time, like – NOT KILL EACH OTHER. I don’t mean to be cold, but the truth is, you’re loud, out of shape and you smell funny. Oh, what, now you’re going to cry? Great. My robot, Gat, and I are going to leave now.
Get your act together, Earth, and, who knows, in another millennium, or two, if you haven’t destroyed the place, maybe we’ll be back.

(Konar and Gat begin to exit. A gunshot is heard. Konar and Gat duck.)

KONAR (continuing)

Real mature, Earth! Real mature!

(They quickly exit. Lights fade.)