Week 12, Day 80 - “I Like You Better When You’re Nude”

“I Like You Better When You’re Nude”
Written by Joe Janes
4/8/09
80 of 365

CAST:
Ralph, 20-30s
Lucy, 20-30s

(Lights up on Ralph setting a dinner table for a romantic evening.)

RALPH

Dinner’s almost ready, Lucy.

(Lucy enters looking hot, putting in earrings.)

LUCY

Candle lit dinner, Ralph? What’s the big occasion?

RALPH

It’s our anniversary.

LUCY

We’re not married.

RALPH

Our one-year anniversary of going out, Silly. Our six-month anniversary of living together. We talked about this.

LUCY

Oh, I totally forgot. I told my girlfriends I’d meet them at Hi-Tops for Ladies Night.

RALPH

I’ve been planning this for weeks-

(Lucy lifts the hem of her skirt, flashing Ralph her lower lady parts.)

LUCY

Look at this stain. Dog gone it. I’ll have to change.

(She exits.)

RALPH

It’s so hard to stay mad at you.

(Cue medium tempo music.)

Relationships can be so dang hard,
Emotional swirly for a dude,
Hot girls can burn and leave you scarred,
But it’s anesthesia when they’re nude.

(Ralph sits. Lucy re-enters in a robe and opens it close to Ralph’s face.)

LUCY

Does this look like herpes, again?

(He looks, at first in disgust and then enchanted.)

RALPH

Full frontal hoo-hoo kills all reason,
Like kryptonite to my attitude,
To deny it would be my treason,
I like you better when you are nude.

RALPH

Oh, I can hardly tell, pumpkin.

(He starts to reach his hand out to touch it.)

LUCY (exiting)

Okay. Don’t want to scare anybody.

RALPH

When you have bad news to deliver,
Don’t worry about being too rude,
It might stick me like a glass sliver,
Just break it to me when you are nude.

LUCY (entering)

Can I borrow fifty bucks do buy my ex-husband a birthday present?

(She opens her robe.)

RALPH

That asshole? Sure, my wallet’s on the –

LUCY (exiting)

I already got it, thanks.

RALPH

Is he going to be there-?

I dreamt about loving a goddess,
It makes me feel manly and so shrewd,
It means I won life’s big game of chess,
Seeing you frolic naked and nude.

LUCY (entering in a new dress)

By the way, I’m pregnant.

RALPH

Is that good news or bad news?

LUCY

Well, it’s either yours, your brother’s, my ex-husband’s, or Pauly Shore’s.

(She opens her blouse.)

RALPH

I’ll raise it as if it were my own.

It’s such a delight seeing you bare,
Like a Playboy model come to life,
Your curves melt away all woe and care,
I’d love it, Luce, if you’d be my wife.

(He gets down on one knee and opens up a ring box. She takes the ring and puts it in the pocket of her robe.)

LUCY

No. But, thanks. You know, I thought I was in love with you, Ralph. Guess I was wrong. I’ll stay until our lease runs out and then move in with someone else.

RALPH

Oh, my God.

(He collapses on the floor. She stands over his head. He looks up.)

LUCY

I’ll still need you to pay child support. Unless I get an abortion. Then I’ll need you to pay for that. Is that okay?

RALPH

I think that’s fine.

LUCY (singing the bridge)

A man’s brain is made out of penises and clay,
I just grab the stuff I want when I want it,
My rich and pretty momma always used to say,
If you (oo-oo) have got it...flaunt it.

(She thrusts out her chest and she exits.)

RALPH

Your flesh is a Snuggy for my brain,
Only in my head do I get screwed,
You are the candy without the cane,
Still, I like you better when you’re nude.

LUCY (from the door)

Can you come pick me up when we’re done partying?

RALPH

You just broke up with me. Besides, I have to work in the morning-

LUCY

Picture me naked.

RALPH

Okay. Call me when you’re done.

(He sighs and smiles. Lights fade as a reprise of music from the song plays out.)

Week 12, Day 79 - “April Showers”

“April Showers”
Written by Joe Janes
4/7/09
79 of 365

CAST
Mother, 30s
Daughter, 12
Father, 30s

(Lights up on a mother and young daughter standing outside a door. Inside we hear horrible sounds of a man in pain. Crying, wailing, gnashing of teeth, some throwing of things about, fists pounding on hard surfaces, some settling down, panting, slowing, sniffing, throat clearing, silence, a sigh of relief. An envelope slides out from under the door. The mother picks it up. The daughter puts a stamp on it.)

MOTHER

Honey. Don’t forget to do the state taxes.

(More intense wailing and thrashing about as lights fade.)

Week 12, Day 78 - “Chicken Magnet”

“Chicken Magnet”
Written by Joe Janes
4/6/09
78 of 365

CAST:
Sam, 30s
Orlando, 50s
Carlos, 20s
Fido
Rover
Spot
Senor Bawk-Bawk


(In the dark, we hear the soft cooing and clucking of chickens. And then a knock on a door. A light comes on. We see Orlando, 50, near a light switch on the wall. He has a rifle. Onstage, are four chickens walking about. And by chickens, I mean actors. Who can afford live chickens? There’s another knock. Orlando crosses to the other side of the stage to the door.)

ORLANDO

Who is there?

SAM (off)

My name is Sam.

ORLANDO

What is the password?

SAM

Oh. Um. Oh! “To get to the other side.”

(Orlando opens the door. Sam, a mild-mannered young man, enters.)

SAM

Hi. You must be Orlando. My name is Sam. (He holds out his hand. Orlando does not take it.)

ORLANDO

Who told you to come here?

SAM

A man. At the grocery store. He heard me complaining to the produce guy about the price and quality of their poultry. He trailed me out into the parking lot and told me I could get fresh, organic chicken from you. Cheap.

ORLANDO

That man lied to you. I do not sell “poultry.”

SAM

But, these look like chickens here. In your living room.

ORLANDO

These are my pets. They are like family to me. I could never part with them. This one is Spot. This one is Rover. That one is Fido. And this here is Senor Bawk-Bawk. Senor Bawk-Bawk, who is a good boy? Who is a good boy? …My pets.

SAM

The guy was pretty clear. He said I could come here and you would hook me up. I’m just trying to stop taking it on the chin from the man.

ORLANDO

There is a man giving it to you on your chin?

SAM

You know, greedy corporate America. Factory farms.

ORLANDO

You should go.

SAM

Did I do or say something I shouldn’t have? I had the right password.

ORLANDO

Go.

(Carlos enters from another room.)

CARLOS

Wait. Poppa, sell the man a chicken.

SAM

That’s the guy I was talking about.

ORLANDO

Sell the man a chicken. Just like that?

CARLOS

Poppa, please. He needs it. We need the money.

ORLANDO

My son says to sell you a chicken. Which one do you want?

SAM

Senor Bawk-Bawk.

ORLANDO

Not Senor Bawk-Bawk.

SAM

Fido, then?

ORLANDO

Very well. (Orlando puts his rifle down, grabs Fido and snaps his neck. During his monologue, he plucks and dresses Fido using a knife he pulls from his back pocket.) When I came to this country, I worked on a farm in the southern part of the state. Acres of land. Acres. Covered with corn, sheep, chickens and several cows. I started there as a teenage boy. I fell in love with the farmer’s daughter.

SAM

Really?

CARLOS

Please. Do not joke. He has a sharp knife in my hand.

ORLANDO

As I was saying, Mahtilda’s father passed away and willed the land to us. Our family now ran the farm. Then the big corporations moved in. Wal-Mart moved in. No one wanted my wares any more. My wife left me. My children moved on. All except for Carlos. Maybe because he loves his poppa too much. Maybe because he is stupid. Now, I collect welfare and live in this tiny apartment. But farming is still in my blood. I raise chickens. I grow corn in the bath tub. There’s a sheep named Hilde in the bedroom. She’s not for sale. Here, Carlos. Take Fido’s carcass and wrap it up nice for Sam.

(He hands Fido off to Carlos who exits.)

SAM

Thank you. This means so much more to me than just picking up something half-frozen and wrapped in plastic and styro-foam.

ORLANDO

Treat it well. Cook it slowly. Roast it. 350 degrees, two hours. Lightly coated in canola oil and kosher salt. Do not fry it. Savor every bite.

(Carlos returns with Fido wrapped in butcher paper and hands it to Sam.)

SAM

How much do I owe you?

ORLANDO

There is no price I can put on the gift of one of God’s creatures for your table.

(Sam opens his wallet and takes out a twenty.)

SAM

All I have is this twenty-

ORLANDO (snatching it)

That’ll be fine.

SAM

Oh- Uh. Okay. You know what. It’s worth it. I’m giving it to someone who cares.

(Sam awkwardly hugs Orlando and leaves.)

ORLANDO

You gave him that thawed out frozen crap we bought at Costco, right?

CARLOS

Fido’s roasting in the oven.

ORLANDO (cleaning his knife)

Bring Hilde out of the bedroom. I think she and I are going to have a romantic dinner tonight.

(Carlos exits. Lights fade.)

Week 11, Day 77 - “The Customer Is Always Right”

“The Customer Is Always Right”
Written by Joe Janes
4/5/09
77 of 365

CAST:
Well-Dressed Man
Waiter

(Lights up on a waiter taking an order from a customer.)

WAITER

Hi, welcome to—

WELL-DRESSED MAN

I know exactly what I want. I’ll have the Famous Chopped Salad.

WAITER (starting to walk away)
Very well---

WELL-DRESSED MAN

Hold the scallions, hold the bacon, no cheese, no chicken, and instead of dressing, I’ll just use a lemon wedge.

WAITER
Are you sure you---?

WELL-DRESSED MAN

Please. I am the customer. I know what I want.

WAITER
Very well.

(The waiter exits and returns with a head of lettuce. He sets it down in front of the customer. And then puts a lemon wedge next to it.)

WAITER
Can I bring you anything else?

(Blackout.)

Week 11, Day 76 - “How Sweet”

“How Sweet”
Written by Joe Janes
4/4/09
76 of 365


CAST:
Janet, 30s
Billy, 30s
Pat, 80s
Gerard, 80s
Peppy, 80s


(Lights up on Janet and Billy sitting on a park bench just enjoying the day. Billy is reading a book. Janet is people watching. Pat and Gerard enter. They appear to be a sweet, old couple. They are holding hands. Janet notices. She clearly thinks this is a heart-warming sight. Without looking at him, she grabs Billy’s hand.)

JANET

Aw, Billy. Look at that.

BILLY

Hmm? Oh. Yep. Cute.

JANET

I see couples like that and I hope that’s us someday.

BILLY

Sure. Me, too. That would be nice.

JANET

That would be so nice.

BILLY

How do you know they’re a couple?

JANET

What? Look at them. He adores her.

(Gerard picks a flower for Pat and gives it to her.)

BILLY

Doesn’t mean they’re a couple. Could be their first date. Maybe they’re having sordid affair. (She gives him a quizzical look.) You know. Maybe he’s blackmailing her into having dirty, wrinkly sex with him.

JANET (taking her hand back)

Why do you have to ruin everything?

BILLY
I’m just saying. They’re as cute as two cuddly bugs, but we don’t know what the real story is just by looking at them.

(Pat and Gerard sit on a bench and are being very cozy and adorable.)

JANET

I disagree. I bet they’ve been married for over fifty years. Ever since he got back from the war.

BILLY

Which war?

JANET

I don’t know. The war. He wrote her love letters every day and promised to marry her as soon as he returned to her arms. I bet they had a dozen children that they raised with lots of love. And they all grew up to be doctors and lawyers, but they’re not in it for the money. They donate a lot of time and salary to worthy causes and are making a difference in the world. And these two have lots of grandchildren and great grandchildren that just love and adore the heck out of them. They’re special and they give me hope.

BILLY

You’re right, Janet. I’m sorry I pooped on your dream. I’d like us to be like that, too.

(They kiss. Peppy enters, dressed in a purple suit, matching fur fedora and wearing large coke-bottle glasses. He also has a large unmatching fanny pack. Peppy uses a walker that has gold rims on the wheels. He makes his way to Pat and Gerard.)

PEPPY

Give me my money, bitch. You were supposed to be at the motel.

PAT

But, Peppy, Gerard wanted to go for a walk.

PEPPY

Don’t give me no sass or I’ll chafe you. Time’s up, asshole. You want more of Pat’s sweet mentholated rubbing, cough up an extra 200 bucks.

GERARD

Preposterous! This ho’s not worth that much.

PAT

Shut your trap, Gerard. You got what you wanted. I can’t help it you’re shooting nothing but sawdust down there.

PEPPY

Take a hike. Or you’ll be waddling with my walker up your ass.

GERARD (exiting)

Aw, phooey!

PAT

Wait – he has my choppers.

PEPPY

Give the bitch back her teeth first. Now.

(Gerard reaches into his pants and pulls out a set of dentures. He hands them to Pat and exits.)

PEPPY (continuing)

What did I tell you? Always use denture cream.

PAT

I’m sorry, Peppy. Please don’t be mad. Here’s your money.

(She takes the money out of her blouse. It is wrapped in a handkerchief. She unwraps it and hands it to Peppy. He puts it in his fanny pack.)

PEPPY

That’s better. Now, kiss me, bitch.

(They start making out, loudly. Janet and Billy have been looking on, shocked. )

JANET (still looking)

I think we should break up.

(Billy nods. Blackout)

Week 11, Day 75 - “An American Mugging”

“An American Mugging”
Written by Joe Janes
4/3/09
75 of 365

CAST:
Harry
Chuck

(Lights up on two figures about to walk by one another late at night on an urban neighborhood sidewalk.)

HARRY & CHUCK

Give me all your money.

HARRY

Hey!

CHUCK

What the!

HARRY

Chuck?

CHUCK

Oh, my God. Harry! Well, blow me down.

HARRY

Crazy world, hunh? Been awhile. How’s Margaret?

CHUCK

She left.

HARRY

Oh, I’m sorry, man.

CHUCK

Eh, for the better. Took the kids with her. Working on putting together this month’s child support, as you can see. (They laugh) How about you? Still married to…?

HARRY

Cheryl. Yep. Yep. Still married.

CHUCK

Cheryl, right. She know you -?

HARRY

Oh, hell, no. She thinks I still have my job at the plant. This is me working the graveyard shift.

CHUCK

Wow. Been a long time.

HARRY

Who’d a thunk, eh?

CHUCK (taking out gun)

I’m still going to need your wallet.

HARRY (also taking out gun)

Same here.

(They slowly, professionally and courteously exchange wallets.)

CHUCK

You’ve been having a good night.

HARRY

I’ve had better. What’s with all the singles?

CHUCK

Mugged a stripper.

HARRY

Nice. You want the wallet back?

CHUCK

Keep it. Nothing important in it.

HARRY

Same here. It’s a rough neighborhood.

CHUCK

Seems to have gotten worse lately.

HARRY

The economy.

CHUCK

Tough times. No credit cards?

HARRY

Cut up my credit cards a long time ago.

CHUCK

Me, too. They’ll do nothing but get you in trouble.

HARRY

Amen to that, brother. Well, you have a good night.

CHUCK

You, too, Harry. Oh, which way are you heading?

HARRY

I was going to keep heading west. Some nightclubs over there about to make last call.

CHUCK

Cool. I’ll keep heading this way towards the train. Last thing I want to do is compete with a good buddy.

HARRY

Good thinking.

CHUCK

Give my love to Cheryl.

HARRY

Will do. See you, Chuck.

(Chuck turns to walk away. Harry begins to sneak up on him with his gun raised as if he were going to strike him. Chuck turns and he freezes.)

CHUCK

What the hell are you doing?

HARRY

Wow. Hey. I am so sorry.

CHUCK

Were you going to steal your money back? That is so uncool.

HARRY

I know, I know. (Frustrated with himself) Rrrrrrrr! It’s like once I get my mugging shoes on, hard to stop. Know what I mean?

CHUCK

Yeah. I guess. Forgive me if I don’t turn my back as you walk away.

HARRY

Fair enough. I deserved that.

(Harry starts to walk away, an awkward mix of walking backwards and turning until he is almost off stage.)

HARRY (continuing)

Hey, let me make it up to you. Why don’t you come cover to dinner on Sunday? Cheryl will love to see you.

CHUCK

I don’t know –

HARRY

Chicken pot pie.

CHUCK

My three favorite little words. See you Sunday.

(They both walk off. A moment later, Chuck sneaks back and exits the way Harry left. Blackout.)

Week 11, Day 74 - “What America Runs On”

“What America Runs On”
Written by Joe Janes
4/2/09
74 of 365

CAST:
Counter Girl
Counter Help
Person #1
Person #2
Person #3
Person #4
Person #5
Person #6

(Lights up on Counter Girl at a fast food restaurant. Behind her is Counter Help. There is a line of people.)

PERSON #1

Cup of coffee, please.

COUNTER GIRL

Huge, large or giganto?

PERSON #1

Giganto, please.

COUNTER GIRL

Here you go.

(Counter Help gives him a wastebasket size cup of coffee and he quickly exits.)

PERSON #2

I’ll have a giganto coffee and a donut.

COUNTER GIRL

Plain, frosted or double deep-fried in sugar?

PERSON #2

Oh, double deep-fried.

COUNTER GIRL

Sprinkles?

PERSON #2

Sure. Why not?

(Counter Help give shim his order and he’s off.)

PERSON #3

Yeah. Let me get a giganto coffee, latte-style, double deep fried donut with sprinkles and a shot of alcohol.

COUNTER GIRL

Tequila?

PERSON #3

Surprise me.

COUNTER GIRL

Tequila.

(Counter Help gives the Person his order. He does the shot as he exits. A Person #4 bursts in and cuts in line.)

PERSON #4

Boobs, please.

COUNTER GIRL

I’m afraid all we have are pictures of boobs.

PERSON #4

That’ll work.

(Counter Help takes a Polaroid of her chest and hands the Person the picture.)

PERSON #4 (exiting)

Thanks! You’re a lifesaver.

PERSON #5

Uh, yeah, I’ll have a giganto coffee, decaf, Stevia and non-dairy creamer, double deep-fried donut, hold the sprinkles, shot of tequila and…oh, is that Percodan? One of those.

(Counter Help gives her the order and she exits.)

PERSON #6

Giganto coffee, double deep-fried donut with sprinkles, shot of tequila, Percodan and…a bag of weed.

COUNTER GIRL

Sir, “weed” is against the law. Could I interest you in a handgun, instead?

PERSON #6

Okay.

COUNTER GIRL

Bullets?

PERSON #6

Sure. Why not.

(Counter Help gives him his order. He licks the gun as he walks off. Counter Girl and Counter Help stand alone for a moment with nothing to do. Counter Help takes a handful of Percodan and dry swallows them. Counter Girl swigs from a bottle of tequila. Lights fade.)