Week 20, Day 135 - “Where There’s Smoke There’s Smoke”

“Where There’s Smoke There’s Smoke”
Written by Joe Janes
6/2/09
135 of 365

CAST
Kent, 30s
Roger, 20s
Margaret, 30s

(Lights up on Kent looking out towards the audience. He looks tired. He squats down and opens up a small canvas sack. Roger, younger, but also exhausted, approaches.)

ROGER

It’s quiet out there.

KENT

Yeah. Too quiet.

(Kent pulls out a pouch of chewing tobacco and puts a wad in his mouth. Roger takes out a cigarette, puts it in his mouth and strikes a match. Kent hears the match and quickly grabs Roger, dragging him down to the floor.)

ROGER

Hey! Are you crazy?

KENT

No, are you stupid? They might see the flame or the smoke. Or smell it.

ROGER

Yeah. Okay. I wasn’t thinking.

KENT

No. You weren’t. Here. Have some chew.

ROGER

Thanks.

(Roger takes some, but clearly doesn’t enjoy it.)

ROGER

See anything out there?

KENT

No. Not for half an hour or so.

ROGER

Maybe it’s safe.

KENT

It’s never safe. Bobby Litchfield thought it was safe. Bobby Litchfield is just meat in a can, now. Like Spam. Spam with a bullet hole. Buried in the dirt. It’s never safe. This your first teaching job?

ROGER

Yeah. They should give us guns.

KENT

Good idea, until a student knocks you flat on your ass, takes it from you and blows a third nostril into your skull.

ROGER

Jesus, they’re just junior high school kids.

KENT

The worst. Blood thirsty little bastards. You ever look in their eyes?

ROGER

Yeah. Soulless.

KENT

That’s right.

(Margaret bursts in and joins them on the floor.)

KENT

Where have you been?

MARGARET

Broke into the nurse’s office to check the back of the building. Here. I brought lollipops.

(She hands them each one. Kent stashes his in his bag. Roger unwraps his and tries to have it and his tobacco together.)

KENT

Pick up any intel?

MARGARET

Detention hall emptied ten minutes ago. Parking lot’s clear. I think we’ve passed the threshold.

ROGER

The threshold?

KENT

The time of day where they are more likely to shoot one another than a teacher.

MARGARET

We can probably make it to our cars. How’s that taste?

ROGER

Like cherry-flavored beef jerky. Aw, man, I rode my bike!

MARGARET

Are you crazy?

ROGER

No. Just stupid.

MARGARET

A bike. You may as well charge them fifty cents to take shots at you. You’re a shooting gallery on wheels.

KENT

Listen up, Rookie. You ride your bike home and you may as well have a “Kill Me” sign taped to your back. Should make you stay here the night to learn your lesson.

ROGER

I can’t stay here. I can’t sleep here. I need my earplugs.

MARGARET

I’ll give you a ride. I’m a sucker for pathetic cases.

KENT

Guess it pays to be pathetic.

MARGARET

It’s just a ride, Kent. Let’s go, kid.

ROGER

My name’s Roger.

MARGARET

What do you teach?

ROGER

Geography.

MARGARET

Well, let’s see if your ass can find its way to my car in one piece. You coming?

KENT

You go ahead. I’ll keep on eye on you from here.

ROGER

Thanks, Kent. Thanks for all the advice.

KENT

Don’t worry, Roger. You’ll be all right. The first day’s always the toughest.

(Margaret and Roger exit. Kent takes another wad of chew and looks out. He tries it with a lollipop and decides he likes it. Lights fade.)

Week 20, Day 134 - "I Do... Hold On"

“I Do…Hold On”
Written by Joe Janes
6/1/09
134 of 365

CAST
Father Haptenstahl, 60s
Jenny, 20s
Elliot, 20s
Lars, 50s
Moe, 50s

(Lights up on Elliot and Jenny standing at the alter with Father Haptenstahl presiding.)

FATHER

Jenny…Elliot…We gather today to bare witness to your holy matrimony. The union of two souls before our heavenly father is a sacred moment. One we should all cherish. (A cell phone rings) … It is a commitment not to be taken lightly… (Cell phone rings, again)

(Lars gets up from the front row and walks down the aisle a few steps)

LARS

Hello?...

FATHER

… One that requires all of us to bring to bear our full attention…

JENNY

Dad…

LARS (waving them off with his hand)

Aw, Bunny, you’re not that lost. When you see the gas station, make a right. Look for the dinky church on the left. Don’t sweat it, I’ll stay on… (Lars notices the wedding party looking at him.) Hey, chop-chop. I don’t hear any hitching going on, Padre.

FATHER

Very well… Eliot, Jenny, please hold hands. These rings are a symbol of your love and devotion to one another. Your promise to always be there for one another. Your promise-

LARS

What’s that, Bunny? You’re breaking up. (He moves closer to the couple.)... Yeah, yeah. It’s an open bar. No need to pick anything up. Hey, you wearing that hot little black dress? You are going to be the hottest babe at the reception. (He howls, notices his daughter glaring at him.) Next to my daughter, that is. You look hot, too, Jenny. C’mon, Padre. Keep it moving, we’re not catholic.

JENNY

Dad. You’re embarrassing me.

LARS

Aw, Jenny. I’m just trying to help Bunny make it to your first wedding. She might be your newest mom, some day. If she plays her cards, right. Right, Elliot? (He nudges, Eliot.)

ELLIOT

Ow.

FATHER

Mr. Peterson. Please turn off your cell phone and please return to your seat. This is a house of God-

LARS

More like the house of God Damn! As in, Goddamn I’m spending a lot of money on my daughter’s nuptials. You’re on your own for the next one, Jenny.

JENNY

This will be my only one, Dad.

LARS

Sure. Sure it will, baby. (He nudges Elliot, again. Elliot rubs his arm.) You hang on to her, Elliot. Hang on tight. Don’t let go until she files for a restraining order. And maybe not even then. What’s that, Bunny?... No, sweet cheeks. I said left at the gas station, now I don’t know where the hell you are. (He starts to walk down the aisle and out the door). Tell you what; just go back to the motel. I’ll swing by the reception, grab us up some booze and wedding cake, and we’ll have our own dance party. You leave that dress on, you hear. That dress don’t come off until I say it comes off. See you back at the Red Roof.

(He has exited. Jenny is tearing up.)

FATHER

Now, Jenny. You are surrounded, now, by very devoted loved ones. Am I right, everyone? We are not here just for a good time. We are here to support you and Elliot. Not only are the two of you making a commitment to one another, but we are making a solemn promise to you. We are here to help the two of you through the tough times. To share your joy as well as your pain. We are you friends and family. Now, look into the eyes of this man here that loves you so deeply.

(Jenny does and she cheers up.)

FATHER

Now, then. Elliot, do you swear to love and cherish this woman with all your heart-

(A cell phone rings. Moe stands in the front row, picking it up.)

MOE

No, Rocko. I said to stay in the Jacuzzi and leave the champagne on ice!... (To Elliot) It’s your new dad.

ELLIOT

Mom!

(Blackout)

Week 19, Day 133 - “Chekhov In The Trailer Park”

“Chekhov In The Trailer Park”
Written by Joe Janes
5/31/09
133 of 365

CAST:
Masha Sue, 30s
Sasha Bob, 50s
Boris, 40s
Lilla, 20s

(Lights up on Lilla and Masha Sue sitting on a beat up couch in the yard in front of their run down shack. Next to them is Uncle Sasha, in a lawn chair, with a large bowl of potato chips in his lap. They watch a small portable TV on a milk crate. They all look solemn.)

MASHA SUE

Some day, sister, we will win the lottery and move to Toledo. We will live in a doublewide, wear new clothes made of real acrylic, own an automobile that no one sleeps in, and dine in restaurants where they bring the salad to you… Lemon Pledge…

SASHA BOB

I love Lucy. She is unaware I live for her and less than ten feet away. My heart rips with desire and doom. My love is a thunderstorm I can never unleash to her – or to another. And you, Ricky, I throw daggers of hate at you. You are unworthy. If I was a singer and I had a nightclub, my wife would be the star of my show every night… you pig. Oh, Lucy. I pain. I tried to hold you and tore the aluminum foil from the rabbit ears. The static electricity of your kiss tickles my moustache and makes me sneeze. (He sneezes) Your flesh is cool, hard and dusty… Lemon Pledge. Oh… I am going to kill myself.

(Sasha Bob plunges his face into the bowl of potato chips as if to drown himself.)

MASHA SUE

We will be courted by handsome men of honor and wealth in Toledo. Sister, we could marry. Hold my hand, Lilla. Hold my hand.

(They do not hold hands or make a move to hold hands. Boris, in worn army fatigues, bursts through the shack door.)

BORIS

Uncle Sasha Bob is dead!

(Sasha raises his head.)

SASHA BOB

No. I’m not. I’m right here.

BORIS

Oh.

(Boris returns to the shack.)

LILLA

Their lips move and I do not hear what they speak. Not since… Not since the fire… Not since… They seem cloudy. Lemon Pledge.

(Lights fade)

Week 19, Day 132 - "Listening"

“Listening”
Written by Joe Janes
5/30/09
132 of 365

CAST
Marion, 40s
Edmund, 40s

(Lights up on Marion standing in her backyard. She stands ready with her eyes closed and her head cocked to the side. Edmund enters carrying a cup of coffee. He stands in the doorway, puzzled by her behavior.)

MARION

Shhhh!

EDMUND

Okay…?

(Edmund walks over to her and decides to try doing what she’s doing. He emulates her pose. After a moment he takes a small sip of his coffee.)

MARION

Edmund, stop making so much noise.

EDMUND

What the hell are you doing, Marion? I’m about to call the funny farm.

MARION

I’m listening.

EDMUND

Listening?

MARION

Yes. Listening. It started while I was just sitting here reading. I paused for a moment and noticed how quiet it is in our backyard. Then I heard a fly, Then our neighbor watering his garden, then a car down the street and then I started listening to an airplane. I seeing how long I could hear it as it trailed off. Then, it was gone, and you know what I heard?

EDMUND

Oh, God. That’s when I belched really loud. I forget sometimes that I’m not alone and the windows are open.

MARION

After your belch, I stood here motionless. And I could hear my own heart beat. How about that? I was listening to my own heart. Listening to the rhythm of my own body. It was like my body has its own internal music. Then you spoiled it all with your coffee racket.

EDMUND

Sorry, Marion. That’s sounds really beautiful. Would you mind if I tried it with you? Maybe we’ll be able to hear each other’s hearts.

MARION (She puts her hand on his cheek)

Sure. Let’s give it a shot.

(They both return to their prone listening positions. After a moment, they let small, quiet smiles emerge on their faces.)

MARION (soft)

Do you hear it, Edmund?

EDMUND (soft)

I do.

MARION

It’s like our hearts are syncopated.

EDMUND

I can hear other stuff, too. I can hear my blood rushing.

MARION

I can hear my lungs.

EDMUND

I can hear my tummy gurgling.

MARION

Mine, too. It’s like out bodies are one big beautiful orchestra.

(Edmund rips loose with a very loud abusive fart. Marion, disgusted, turns and leaves.)

EDMUND

What? I don’t get a solo?

(He makes a face as if he’s farting again. Blackout.)

Week 19, Day 131 - "Stretch Limousine"

“Stretch Limousine”
Written by Joe Janes
5/29/09
131 of 365

CAST:
Albert, 20s
eShave, 60s
Chick Girl, 20s
Dan, 30s
Meegan, 30s
Otto, 30s
Chex, 20s

(Lights up on Albert, a young man in a conservative suit sitting alone in the back of a stretch limousine. The car door opens and we hear screaming fans as eShave, in shades, leather jacket and tight pants enters, followed by Chick Girl, Dan, the official photographer, Meegan, the manager and Otto, the bodyguard. Chex, the limo driver, closes the passenger door and takes his place behind the wheel and takes off. eShave makes out with Chick Girl. Dan takes a lot of pictures, but only of eShave.)

MEEGAN

That was a great show eShave.

DAN

Yeah, baby, great show. You had the crowd eating out of your pants.

CHEX

Damn, The frickin’ paparazzi won’t get out of my way. (Honks horn)

OTTO

You need me to break a few heads?

MEEGAN

No, Otto. eShave’s already all over TMZ from last week’s Disneyland tussle. Wait till we need the press.

DAN

Um. Who’s the stiff?

OTTO

I thought you knew him.

MEEGAN

I have no idea. Chex, who’s the suit?

CHEX

Friend of eShave’s, I guess.

OTTO

You guess?

CHEX

eShave called me on my cell. Said to let him hang out in the limo right after the show.

ALBERT

You guys could just ask me who I am?

MEEGAN

Stuff it. I know who you are. You’re some corporate sponsor leech. Tell those assholes at Snapple that just because they front the money, doesn’t mean they get to abuse eShave’s good nature.

ALBERT

I’m not from Snapple. I’m from Iowa.

ESHAVE

Do you guys mind? I’m trying to get to know one of my fans better.

MEEGAN

You know this guy, eShave? He a lawyer or something?

ESHAVE

No, Meegan, he’s not a lawyer. Are you a lawyer?

ALBERT

No. I’m studying horticulture.

ESHAVE

There you go. He’s a horticulturer. And he’s my son.

(eShave goes back to making out with Chick Girl.)

MEEGAN

You have a son?

OTTO

He probably has lots of sons.

ESHAVE

Probably. This is one of them. If you don’t mind, I’d like to work on making a few more.

(He goes back to making out.)

ALBERT

I am Mr. eShave’s son. Albert.

(Dan takes Albert’s picture.)

MEEGAN

That does not get published, Dan. You hear me?

DAN

Yeah. Okay. This is big news, though. Hottest aging rocker in the country not from Britain has a son no one knew about.

OTTO

I can get rid of him, if you want.

ALBERT

Uh, Dad?

ESHAVE

You hear that? He called me Dad. That’s my boy!

(eShave puts an arm around Albert.)

ESHAVE

Hey, do you want to make out with…?

CHICK GIRL

Chick Girl.

ESHAVE

Really? I thought’s just what I was calling you.

CHICK GIRL

It is.

ESHAVE

You want some?

ALBERT

Naw, thanks. You go ahead.

ESHAVE

You sure? She’s pretty fine.

ALBERT

Can I make out with her?

MEEGAN

No.

ESHAVE

She’s a lesbian.

MEEGAN

I am not.

ESHAVE

You were when we met.

MEEGAN

You had me make out with your maid as part of my job interview.

OTTO

Hot.

MEEGAN

Albert. You’re “father” – if he really is your father –

ESHAVE

Oh, he is, all right. The paternity test proved it.

MEEGAN

Great.

DAN

We can get this on Smoking Gun and Maury Pauvich.

MEEGAN

Regardless. Albert. You’re old man is busy. Where can we drop you off?

ESHAVE

Hey, hey. Can’t a dad bring his son to work? This is my flesh and blood. Fruit of my looms. His mom found out I was playing Des Moines and had her lawyer get in touch with me. I’m glad we got to meet, Albert. We’ll make up for lost time. Do some bonding. Right now, we’re going back to the hotel for an orgy. Have you ever been to an orgy, son?

ALBERT

No.

ESHAVE

Excellent. Then this will really be great for us. I’ll show you the ins and outs. Three things you’ll need, hand sanitizer, a big towel, and a Pez dispenser full of Viagra. Sound like fun?

ALBERT

No condoms?

ESHAVE

If I ever used condoms at an orgy, we wouldn’t be having this conversation.

ALBERT

Think we can find some time to just talk, tonight, too?

ESHAVE

Oh, they’ll be plenty of time to chat. You’ve got to take breaks to recharge the batteries.

OTTO

Figuratively and literally.

DAN

We use rechargeable batteries on all the toys. Better for the environment.

ESHAVE

Chex, stop off at the Super Wal-Mart. We have to make sure Albert has all the accessories he needs. We can also get to know each other now as Meegan and Chick Girl are making out.

MEEGAN

What?

ESHAVE

Hmm, maybe I need to shop around for a new manager.

MEEGAN

Fine. But only because making out with women on demand is in my contract.

(Meegan and Chick Girl start making out. Dan takes pictures.)

OTTO

Hot.

(Meegan flips them off while continuing to kiss Chick Girl.)

ALBERT

It does seem sexist.

ESHAVE

You mean sexiest.

ALBERT

It seems a little unfair.

ESHAVE

Well, Albert, it is a part of my job. Comes with the territory. But let it be said your dad is a fair man. Otto, Dan, you guys make out, too.

DAN

Okay.

OTTO

Don’t be thinking about me when you kiss me.

DAN

When I feel your big ape arms around me and your beard against my cheek, I’ll be thinking of Meegan.

(Meegan flips them off. Otto and Dan start kissing. )

ESHAVE

So, what’s your mom’s name, again?

ALBERT

Adelle. Adelle Lerpner.

ESHAVE

Waitress, right? She still hot? We could swing by and get her.

ALBERT

Take my mom to an orgy?

ESHAVE

Hey, think of it as a family reunion. A naked family reunion.

(Lights fade as they bond.)

Week 19, Day 130 - "Carrying A Porch"

“Carrying A Porch”
Written by Joe Janes
5/28/09
130 of 365

CAST:
LuAnn, 30s
Dustin, 14

(Lights up on a small front porch. LuAnn enters with two glasses of lemonade and sits down, placing the lemonade on a small table next to her. There is another empty chair on the other side of the table. She takes a moment to calmly take in the nice weather.)

LUANN

Dustin! Dustin!

DUSTIN (off)

What?

LUANN

Get your buns out here!

DUSTIN (off)

I’m playing Ultimate Ninja 4!

LUANN

Save it and get your buns out here!

DUSTIN (off)

I’ll come out when I’m finished.

LUANN

Which for you will be never. Buns. Here. Now! (Long pause) If you aren’t out here in ten seconds, your new Nikes are going to end up at the thrift store. 1-2-3-4-

(Dustin enters)

DUSTIN

What, Mom?

LUANN

Have a seat, Dusty.

(Dustin sits)

LUANN

Mommy made you some lemonade. Have some.

(Dustin sips some.)

DUSTIN

Now, what?

LUANN

Hmm?

DUSTIN

I could be sitting and drinking lemonade inside while doing something productive.

LUANN

Like playing Ultimate Ninja 4?

DUSTIN

Making the world safe one villain at a time.

LUANN

Then you definitely deserve a break. Just sit and relax. Enjoy the day. Isn’t this weather perfect?

DUSTIN

I guess. (Pause) Are we supposed talk?

LUANN

We don’t have to talk.

DUSTIN

Just sit here?

LUANN

Watch the cars go by. Watch the breeze blow the trees. It just feels good to be out here on the porch.

DUSTIN

Are you and Dad getting a divorce?

LUANN

What? No.

DUSTIN

Are you going to talk to me about sex, because I really don’t want-?

LUANN

No, Dusty. No more sex talk.

DUSTIN

Did we lose the house?

LUANN

No. Look, Dusty, let’s not talk. I didn’t bring you out here for any other reason than to enjoy being out here. (She takes a deep, relaxing breath). The body needs fresh air and sunshine. You need to just relax sometimes.

DUSTIN

Playing video games relaxes me.

LUANN

I’ve seen you play video games. Ripping the spine out of your opponent isn’t relaxing.

DUSTIN

Some people knit, I eviscerate.

LUANN

Well, at least you’re increasing your vocabulary. You look so tense, honey.

DUSTIN

You’re weirding me out, Mom. We never just sit. Especially not outside. In public.

LUANN

Just take a deep breath and relax. Try it.

(Dustin tries it. It does not go well.)

LUANN

Feel better?

DUSTIN

I think I bruised a rib.

LUANN

Just try to sit still and enjoy the view.

DUSTIN (after a pause)

Are we moving? Is that it?

LUANN

Dustin. People used to do this sort of thing all the time. I did it when I was younger. You just sit out on the front porch on pretty days. It’s what you do. Maybe you read. Maybe you chat. Your great grandpa used to smoke his pipe and strum his guitar.

DUSTIN

Great grandpa played guitar?

LUANN

No. It was really quite awful. But the point is, you don’t have to be plugged into a video game or the TV or computer your whole life. You can take some time just to breathe.

(Dustin nods and sits back. They watch a car roll by. He starts to relax into his chair. LuAnn leans back into her chair. They hear a bird in a tree and look for it in a tree. Dustin smiles and closes his eyes. LuAnn notices this. She quietly picks up the lemonade glasses and rises from her seat. She gets to the door.)

LUANN (continuing)

By the way, your dog died.

( She quickly exits. Dustin’s eyes pop open.)

DUSTIN (to himself)

I knew it!

(Blackout)

Week 19, Day 129 - "Langley & Pratt"

“Langley & Pratt”
Written by Joe Janes
5/27/09
129 of 365

CAST
Langley, 30s
Pratt, 30s

(Lights up. We hear some upbeat vaudevillian music played by a small orchestra. Out comes Langley and Pratt marching in synch to start, wearing matching striped sports coats and boater hats. They both have flowers in their lapels. Langley moves with smooth confident movements. Pratt quickly becomes a spaz.)

LANGLEY

I’m Langley!

PRATT

I’m Pratt!

LANGLEY AND PRATT (while continuously shaking hands)

How do you do?...Nice to make your acquaintance…Likewise, I’m sure…Pleased to meet you…Nice fella…Snappy dresser…

LANGLEY

Say, you sure do have a familiar face.

PRATT

You should see it from in here. (Moves his eyes around wildly, trying to see his own face – rimshot!).

LANGLEY

I heard your mother-in-law was in town.

PRATT (suddenly quiet)

Yes.

LANGLEY

You seem upset by this unexpected visit from your mother-in-law.

PRATT

Yes. She made me go see a doctor.

LANGLEY

O-kay… I heard you saw the doctor today.

PRATT

Yes.

LANGLEY

About your stiff arm? (Pratt shakes his head) About your sore throat? (Pratt shakes his head) Was it because you, perchance, had some form of poultry on your head?

PRATT

No.

LANGLEY

Then, why, pray tell, did you go see the doctor?

PRATT

My mother-in-law made me go. She thinks there’s something wrong with me. Up here (points to his head).

LANGLEY

I could have saved her five bucks. You’re crazy! (rimshot!)

PRATT

Yeah. That’s what he said.

LANGLEY

The doctor said you’re crazy?

PRATT

He thinks I have some kind of defect. Some chromosome disorder or chemical imbalance. It causes my wild mood swings, erratic behavior and spastic motor skills.

LANGLEY

Basically, everything that makes you money! (rimshot!)

PRATT (takes out small bottle)

He gave me these pills. They’re supposed to make me feel better about myself.

LANGLEY

Give me that. (He reads the label.) Fast Acting Chilloxyn. Have you taken any, yet?

PRATT

I’m afraid to. Read the label.

LANGLEY

May cause dry mouth, intestinal discomfort, occasional depression that may lead to thoughts of suicide and a decreased sex drive. What’s the point of feeling better about yourself if you’d rather kill yourself than get laid? (rimshot!)

PRATT

See what I mean?

LANGLEY

Oh, poppycock. They have to put that stuff there for legal reasons. It’s medicine. If your doctor says its good for you, it’s good for you. Tell you what, ol’ pal, ol’ buddy, I’ll take one with you. That’ll show you how harmless they are. (He pops one in his mouth). Here. (He hands the bottle to Pratt, who takes one, too.)

PRATT

Can you feel it working?

LANGLEY (nods)

I suddenly feel very rational. And gassy. (rimshot! Pratt looks confused by the rimshot)

PRATT

Hey. Me, too.

LANGLEY

Sorry, folks, we got a little sidetracked. If you don’t mind, we’re going to start over. Okay? Maestro, from the top!

(They quickly run off. The music kicks in, again. This time they walk straight out and quietly and confidently address the audience.)

LANGLEY

Good evening ladies and gentlemen. Say “hello” to the people, Pratt.

PRATT

Hello.

LANGLEY

I understand your Uncle Hubert is staying with you while he looks for a job.

PRATT

Yes. He’s been with us for two months, now. He sleeps on the couch. There’s just no work out there for a man his age.

LANGLEY

That’s a shame.

PRATT

Yes. It’s very sad. He’s a veteran. (pause. rimshot! They both look around, confused by the rimshot.)

PRATT (continuing)

But I feel good about myself.

LANGLEY

Me, too.

(They both get odd expressions on their faces. They are clearly suffering from dry mouth. They turn and face one another and squirt water at each from their lapel flowers while nonchalantly trying to lap up the water. They do this until they run out.)

LANGLEY (continuing)

Okay, then. Say good night, Pratt.

PRATT

Good night.

(Their rousing exit music kicks in. They slowly stroll off arm-in-arm, noticing little things like the fabric of the curtains and taking a moment to check it out. Lights fade.)