Week 20, Day 139 - "An On-line Education"

(This is Saturday's post published after midnight)

“An On-line Education”
Written by Joe Janes
6/6/09
139 of 365

CAST
Edna, 50s
Elsie, 50s
Jared, 30s

(Lights up on Edna and Elsie having coffee in Elsie’s living room. Jared, in shabby t-shirt and shorts, works at a laptop on a table off to the side.)

EDNA

This coffee is delicious. Maxwell House?

ELSIE

I switched to Folgers’s Crystals.

EDNA

It’s very good.

ELSIE

It’s the crystals.

EDNA

Has Jared found a job, yet?

ELSIE

Oh, I didn’t tell you. Jared is going to college.

EDNA

Really? That’s great. Where?

ELSIE

Right here. On the computer. You can do that these days.

EDNA

Oh, sure. I’ve seen the commercials.

ELSIE

A degree and everything.

EDNA

Jared, your mother tells me you’re a college boy, now.

JARED

Hunh? Oh, yeah. That’s right Aunt Edna.

EDNA

What’s your major?

JARED

Uh, business communications and management marketing.

EDNA

Oh, my. Very exciting.

ELSIE

Very cutting edge, right Jared?

JARED

Right, Mom.

EDNA

You’ll have to invite me to your graduation.

ELSIE

I don’t think they have one.

JARED

They just e-mail it to you and you print it out.

EDNA

The miracle of technology. Are you in class, right now?

(She gets up and moves behind him)

JARED

Yeah. I’m taking a quiz.

EDNA

What’s it about?

JARED

I’m actually done. I’m waiting for the results, now.

EDNA (reading the screen)

You are most like Jabba the Hut. Is that a good thing?

JARED

Yeah. It’s like an “A.” I have a lot more quizzes to do, so, you know…

EDNA

Study away! It’s good to see you so motivated. I always told your mother you were a late bloomer. And look at you, blooming.

ELSIE

He’ll be a college graduate in no time.

EDNA (returning to her seat)

I used to be so worried about him, Elsie. Such a loafer. Mooching off you all these years. I was wrong about you, Jared.

(He nods)

ELSIE

The tuition’s much cheaper than regular college. I don’t mind paying it at all. Worth the investment. It will make him very hirable. He’ll get a job by the time he’s 35 and then he’ll be able to take care of me for a change (she giggles.)

JARED (getting up and exiting)

Hey, Mom. Can I have your credit card?

ELSIE

Sure, Dear. It’s in my purse.

JARED (off)

Got it.

EDNA

Didn’t you already pay for his classes?

ELSIE

Sometimes there are extra class fees, just like the real thing. Right, Jared?

JARED (re-entering)

Um, yeah. Headmistress Jasmine wants to have a one-on-one tutorial with me. Costs extra. So, I’m going to take the laptop into the bathroom. For some privacy.

ELSIE

Okay, Dear. You be nice to her. Be respectful.

EDNA

Do what she says!

JARED

Oh, I will. Got to make sure Mom gets her money’s worth.

(He exits with the laptop.)

ELSIE

He’s become more thoughtful since he’s been in school.

EDNA

He seems more mature.

ELSIE

They grow up so fast.

EDNA

This is really good coffee.

ELSIE

It’s the crystals.

(Blackout)

Week 20, Day 138 - "Fascination Street Bakery"

“Fascination Street Bakery”
Written by Joe Janes
6/5/09
138 of 365

CAST:
Marissa, 30s
Janey, 20s
Bonnie, 30s
Todd, 30s

(Lights up on Marissa and Janey decorating a large wedding cake. Janey is humming/singing “The Wedding Song.”)

JANEY

Dum-dum-da-dum…Dum-da-dum-dum…

MARISSA

Janey. Please.

JANEY

You don’t like my singing?

MARISSA

It’s like two people walking on concrete.

JANEY

Oh…Okay…Concrete is now thick shag carpeting. ….This wedding cake is so beautiful, Marissa. It’s one of the best ones you’ve ever done.

MARISSA

Yeah. Thanks.

JANEY

You’re so good at marzipan flowers. I want to pick these and put them in water. Shame someone’s going to take a knife to this tomorrow.

MARISSA

I guess when you get down to it; it’s just a cake. You buy it. You eat it. May as well be a sheet cake from the grocery store.

JANEY

Nonsense, this is a Marissa Cake from the Fascination Street Bakery. This could be a big shapeless glob and it would still taste better and look better than most cakes on the planet.

MARISSA

Janey, look. I appreciate what you’re trying to do-

JANEY

What am I trying to do?

MARISSA

Blow sunshine up my ass.

JANEY

If I were trying to blow sunshine up your ass, I’d grab a blowtorch because I’d need it to defrost that anus iceberg. You’re good at what you do. Live with it. …This is your 1,000th wedding cake.

MARISSA

I know. I know it is.

JANEY

For most people, that would be a reason to celebrate.

MARISSA

I don’t feel like celebrating. It makes me feel like a travel agent that never goes anywhere.

JANEY

Hunh?

MARISSA

I make wedding cakes. Lots of them. I’ve never walked down the aisle. Not even close. I’m always in the banquet hall. Every guy I’ve gone out with didn’t appreciate what I do here. They think it’s just a job, not a career. Face it, I’m going to die old and alone making weddings cakes till I die. It’s like a punishment. Some sort of gypsy curse.

JANEY

You just need to get out and meet more people, Marissa. Men people.

MARISSA

Fascination Street is 24/7. When I’m not here, I’m thinking about here. The only guys I’ll ever meet are already spoken for.

JANEY

You give me one night and I’ll get you out there meeting single guys.

MARISSA

Drunk guys.

JANEY

A step up from meeting little guys in tuxedos with their feet stuck in frosting.

(Todd and Bonnie enter.)

BONNIE

Hello… Hi. We stopped by to check on the cake.

JANEY

Here it is. Come take a look.

MARISSA

We’re still putting on the finishing touches, Bonnie.

BONNIE (tearing up)

It’s so beautiful. Todd, it’s so beautiful.

TODD

Those flowers are amazing. I want to pick them and put them in water.

JANEY

I told her the same thing.

MARISSA

I’m Marissa.

TODD

Todd.

BONNIE

This is my man.

TODD

I’m her man. You know, you hear about how the groom doesn’t really care about the details, like the cake, and that’s absolutely true-

BONNIE

Oh, Todd.

TODD

But this cake. It’s stunning. It’s a masterpiece. It should be in an art museum.

MARISSA

Wow. You really like it.

TODD

Like it. I love it. Anyone who can create something like this, is, well, a very special person.

BONNIE

He’s right. You’re amazing, Marissa. You are so gifted. Whatever my father is paying you, he should double it.

JANEY

You guys are really making Marissa’s day.

TODD

You are-?

JANEY

Janey. Marissa’s assistant.

(Janey holds out her hand. Todd ignores it.)

TODD

I’ve always told Bonnie that I wanted to marry an artist that she should look out. If I meet an artist, I’m outta here. Even after were hitched.

BONNIE

You know, I tell him the same thing. But I’m more specific. It’s Huey Lewis. It used to be George Michael, but then he got arrested. Seemed my chances got slimmer. I would leave in a minute for Huey Lewis. I don’t care how old he is.

TODD

We had a long talk the night I proposed. We are totally devoted to one another’s happiness.

BONNIE

Absolutely true. I told Todd; if he ever met someone he thought would make him happier, go for it.

TODD

Ditto from me, too, baby. Marissa, would you marry me?

JANEY

Hey, whoa. Todd. Bonnie?

TODD

Bonnie, I’m sorry. But I think I would be happier married to Marissa. She’s an artist. So soulful. I really appreciate what you create. Marissa, I want to strip naked and dance in your layer cake. Can I have my ring back?

BONNIE

No. I think we should talk about this. We have a wedding tomorrow. People are coming in from out of state.

TODD

Give them this cake. They don’t deserve it. No human being on the planet deserves something this pure. But it will shut them up. One bite of this ambrosia and they’ll forget why they came.

MARISSA

Todd, you’re kidding, right? You don’t know me. You’re already engaged.

TODD

I know you. I know your art. I cannot live the rest of my life always wondering, Marissa.

BONNIE

I hate this cake!

(Bonnie garbs a knife and is about to drive it into the cake.)

TODD AND JANEY AND MARISSA

Nooooo!!!!!!

BONNIE

I-I can’t do it. I can’t do it. It’s so wonderful. It would be like destroying the last dinosaur with my own hands. A pretty dinosaur. A pretty, pretty dinosaur.

(Bonnie collapses on the floor. Janey hands her some Kleenex. Todd and Janey help her back up.)

TODD

I better take Bonnie out of here. Think about what I said, Marissa. Will you? Please? Can I tear me off a piece of your Kleenex? (He does and writes his number on it) This is my number. Tell me you’ll consider it.

MARISSA

I think that would be very unprofessional of me.

TODD

Try to let me know before two o’clock. After two o’clock, we’ll have to have a torrid affair until Bonnie and I can get a divorce.

(Todd walks Bonnie out of the store, but not before giving Marissa a “call me” gesture. Janey and Marissa stand looking at each other dumbfounded.)

MARISSA

I think we’re done for today.

JANEY

That was so weird. But how awesome for you and how horrible for Bonnie and Todd’s right, but insane. Don’t call him. Ever.

MARISSA

I won’t.

(She throws the number in the trash.)

JANEY

Okay. Hey, I’m meeting some friends at High Tops. Come on out. We’ll get our drink on and the drunk guys won’t seem so drunk.

MARISSA

Sure. Maybe I will.

(Janey exits as Marissa takes off her apron and puts a few things away. Marissa picks up a big knife and considers slashing the wedding cake. She does not. She walks to the door, turns, and takes one last look. Turns off the lights and leaves. Blackout.)

Week 20, Day 137 - "How To Write A Comedy Sketch"

Today's entry is a video.

Week 20, Day 136 - "The Life and strange Surprizing Adventures of Robinson Crusoe"

"The Life and strange Surprizing Adventures of Robinson Crusoe of York, Mariner: Who lived Eight and Twenty Years, all alone in an un-inhabited Island on the coast of America, near the Mouth of the Great River of Oroonoque; Having been cast on Shore by Shipwreck, where-in all the Men perished but himself. With An Account how he was at last as strangely deliver'd by Pyrates. Written by Himself"
Written by Joe Janes
6/3/09
136 of 365

CAST:
Robinson Crusoe, 40s
Friday, 30s
Smedley, 40s
Cornwallace, 40s

(Lights up on Robinson Crusoe. He is in his makeshift hut writing on parchment at his makeshift table.)

ROBINSON

Dear Father. This is yet another letter from your long lost son, Robinson. By my calculations, I have been stranded on this deserted island for (He picks up a stick and feels the notches along the side) twenty years and three months. The only thing that gets me through the long, suffering days are thoughts of one day reuniting with my family. Island life is dreary and ever so lonely. Just the other day-

(Friday enters and sets a drink on Robinson’s table.)

What is that?

FRIDAY

Mango iced tea. Made it myself. Picked and squeezed the mangoes by hand. Brewed the tea by the fire. Invented refrigeration to make ice cubes-

ROBINSON (sips)

Oh. Here. Take it back.

FRIDAY

What’s the matter?

ROBINSON

It’s too tart. Needs sugar.

FRIDAY

Ah, one lump or two.

ROBINSON

Three. Give me three.

(Friday opens a sugar container in the hut and puts three sugar cubes into the tea and swirls it around. He hands it back to Robinson.)

FRIDAY

How is it, now?

ROBINSON (sipping)

Heavenly. Just heavenly.

FRIDAY

You’re welcome.

ROBINSON

Where was I? Oh, yes… Just the other day, I found myself holding a conversation with a tree of all things; so yearning was I for civilized company. Day in and day out, while awake and while in slumber, I am surrounded by dumb animals and ignorant savages. I have acquired a manservant of sorts. His name is Friday, named after the day I rescued him from the clutches of cannibals. Of course, it’s not his real name. His real name is something unpronounceable and comparable to the grinding of machinery. Nonetheless, he is grateful for me saving his soulless existence. To pass the time, I have taken on teaching Friday the English language and the teachings of Christianity. It helps take the sting out of not having anyone with whom to converse… I’m done with you.

FRIDAY

Okay.

(He exits)

ROBINSON

Where was I? Oh, yes… Just the other day, I found myself holding a conversation with a tree of all things; so yearning was I for civilized company.

(Cornwallace and Smedley approach. They are English explorers.)

CORNWALLACE

Top of the morning, young man.

SMEDLEY

I say, good day to you, sir. Good day, indeed.

ROBINSON

Can I help you?

CORNWALLACE

Oh, I do hate to impose.

SMEDLEY

We wouldn’t want in any way to put you out.

ROBINSON

Very well. (He returns to his writing.)

CORNWALLACE

It’s just that we seem to be a wee bit lost.

SMEDLEY

Just a wee.

CORNWALLACE

We left our ship off the beach on the eastern side of the island. Now that it’s close to noon-

SMEDLEY

We have no idea whatsoever which way is east.

(They laugh. Robinson points in the direction opposite of which they came without looking up from his letter writing.)

CORNWALLACE

Ah, very good, then.

SMEDLEY

Sorry to bother you.

CORNWALLCE

Say, I must admit, I did not expect to run into another Englishman on this island.

SMEDLEY

Have you been stranded here?

ROBINSON

Obviously.

CORNWALLACE

Good heavens. For how long?

ROBINSON

Well, if you must know. I have been alone on this island for over twenty years.

(Friday enters with a small cupcake on a plate and puts it on Crusoe’s table.)

FRIDAY

I invented cupcakes.

SMEDLEY

Twenty years without speaking to another soul.

CORNWALACE

Positively dreadful.

FRIDAY

Can I get either of you gentlemen a mango iced tea?

SMEDLEY

Mango? Ice? In tea?

CORNWALLACE

Savage.

ROBINSON

These men were just leaving.

SMEDLEY

We could give you a lift.

CORNWALLACE

It wouldn’t be any trouble at all. We have plenty of room and food.

ROBINSON

Which way are you heading?

SMEDLEY

On to Venezuela.

ROBINSON

Sorry. Wrong direction. I need to get home to England.

CORNWALLACE

Oh, well. Perhaps on the way back.

ROBINSON

Perhaps.

SMEDLEY

Well, best of luck to you.

CORNWALLACE

Best of luck.

FRIDAY

Please take me with you.

SMEDLEY

Uh-

CORNWALLACE

Let’s go, Smedley. (They rush off) Sorry, old man. The ship is… very crowded.

(Robinson continues writing as Friday just stands there watching them leave.)

ROBINSON

I dream, father, feverishly, of some day sleeping in our old house in my old bed. Give my best to mother. Regards. Your son. Robinson.

(Robinson folds up the parchment and quickly addresses it. He snaps his fingers. Friday quickly provides a stamp for it. Robinson hands it to Friday.)

ROBINSON (continuing)

Drop this off at the post office for me, Friday, and when you return we’ll continue your conversion to Christianity.

FRIDAY

Be right back.

(Robinson takes a sip of his mango iced tea and sighs.)

ROBINSON

Life is so cruel. (Pronounced ‘croo-ELL’)

(Lights fade)

Week 20, Day 135 - “Where There’s Smoke There’s Smoke”

“Where There’s Smoke There’s Smoke”
Written by Joe Janes
6/2/09
135 of 365

CAST
Kent, 30s
Roger, 20s
Margaret, 30s

(Lights up on Kent looking out towards the audience. He looks tired. He squats down and opens up a small canvas sack. Roger, younger, but also exhausted, approaches.)

ROGER

It’s quiet out there.

KENT

Yeah. Too quiet.

(Kent pulls out a pouch of chewing tobacco and puts a wad in his mouth. Roger takes out a cigarette, puts it in his mouth and strikes a match. Kent hears the match and quickly grabs Roger, dragging him down to the floor.)

ROGER

Hey! Are you crazy?

KENT

No, are you stupid? They might see the flame or the smoke. Or smell it.

ROGER

Yeah. Okay. I wasn’t thinking.

KENT

No. You weren’t. Here. Have some chew.

ROGER

Thanks.

(Roger takes some, but clearly doesn’t enjoy it.)

ROGER

See anything out there?

KENT

No. Not for half an hour or so.

ROGER

Maybe it’s safe.

KENT

It’s never safe. Bobby Litchfield thought it was safe. Bobby Litchfield is just meat in a can, now. Like Spam. Spam with a bullet hole. Buried in the dirt. It’s never safe. This your first teaching job?

ROGER

Yeah. They should give us guns.

KENT

Good idea, until a student knocks you flat on your ass, takes it from you and blows a third nostril into your skull.

ROGER

Jesus, they’re just junior high school kids.

KENT

The worst. Blood thirsty little bastards. You ever look in their eyes?

ROGER

Yeah. Soulless.

KENT

That’s right.

(Margaret bursts in and joins them on the floor.)

KENT

Where have you been?

MARGARET

Broke into the nurse’s office to check the back of the building. Here. I brought lollipops.

(She hands them each one. Kent stashes his in his bag. Roger unwraps his and tries to have it and his tobacco together.)

KENT

Pick up any intel?

MARGARET

Detention hall emptied ten minutes ago. Parking lot’s clear. I think we’ve passed the threshold.

ROGER

The threshold?

KENT

The time of day where they are more likely to shoot one another than a teacher.

MARGARET

We can probably make it to our cars. How’s that taste?

ROGER

Like cherry-flavored beef jerky. Aw, man, I rode my bike!

MARGARET

Are you crazy?

ROGER

No. Just stupid.

MARGARET

A bike. You may as well charge them fifty cents to take shots at you. You’re a shooting gallery on wheels.

KENT

Listen up, Rookie. You ride your bike home and you may as well have a “Kill Me” sign taped to your back. Should make you stay here the night to learn your lesson.

ROGER

I can’t stay here. I can’t sleep here. I need my earplugs.

MARGARET

I’ll give you a ride. I’m a sucker for pathetic cases.

KENT

Guess it pays to be pathetic.

MARGARET

It’s just a ride, Kent. Let’s go, kid.

ROGER

My name’s Roger.

MARGARET

What do you teach?

ROGER

Geography.

MARGARET

Well, let’s see if your ass can find its way to my car in one piece. You coming?

KENT

You go ahead. I’ll keep on eye on you from here.

ROGER

Thanks, Kent. Thanks for all the advice.

KENT

Don’t worry, Roger. You’ll be all right. The first day’s always the toughest.

(Margaret and Roger exit. Kent takes another wad of chew and looks out. He tries it with a lollipop and decides he likes it. Lights fade.)

Week 20, Day 134 - "I Do... Hold On"

“I Do…Hold On”
Written by Joe Janes
6/1/09
134 of 365

CAST
Father Haptenstahl, 60s
Jenny, 20s
Elliot, 20s
Lars, 50s
Moe, 50s

(Lights up on Elliot and Jenny standing at the alter with Father Haptenstahl presiding.)

FATHER

Jenny…Elliot…We gather today to bare witness to your holy matrimony. The union of two souls before our heavenly father is a sacred moment. One we should all cherish. (A cell phone rings) … It is a commitment not to be taken lightly… (Cell phone rings, again)

(Lars gets up from the front row and walks down the aisle a few steps)

LARS

Hello?...

FATHER

… One that requires all of us to bring to bear our full attention…

JENNY

Dad…

LARS (waving them off with his hand)

Aw, Bunny, you’re not that lost. When you see the gas station, make a right. Look for the dinky church on the left. Don’t sweat it, I’ll stay on… (Lars notices the wedding party looking at him.) Hey, chop-chop. I don’t hear any hitching going on, Padre.

FATHER

Very well… Eliot, Jenny, please hold hands. These rings are a symbol of your love and devotion to one another. Your promise to always be there for one another. Your promise-

LARS

What’s that, Bunny? You’re breaking up. (He moves closer to the couple.)... Yeah, yeah. It’s an open bar. No need to pick anything up. Hey, you wearing that hot little black dress? You are going to be the hottest babe at the reception. (He howls, notices his daughter glaring at him.) Next to my daughter, that is. You look hot, too, Jenny. C’mon, Padre. Keep it moving, we’re not catholic.

JENNY

Dad. You’re embarrassing me.

LARS

Aw, Jenny. I’m just trying to help Bunny make it to your first wedding. She might be your newest mom, some day. If she plays her cards, right. Right, Elliot? (He nudges, Eliot.)

ELLIOT

Ow.

FATHER

Mr. Peterson. Please turn off your cell phone and please return to your seat. This is a house of God-

LARS

More like the house of God Damn! As in, Goddamn I’m spending a lot of money on my daughter’s nuptials. You’re on your own for the next one, Jenny.

JENNY

This will be my only one, Dad.

LARS

Sure. Sure it will, baby. (He nudges Elliot, again. Elliot rubs his arm.) You hang on to her, Elliot. Hang on tight. Don’t let go until she files for a restraining order. And maybe not even then. What’s that, Bunny?... No, sweet cheeks. I said left at the gas station, now I don’t know where the hell you are. (He starts to walk down the aisle and out the door). Tell you what; just go back to the motel. I’ll swing by the reception, grab us up some booze and wedding cake, and we’ll have our own dance party. You leave that dress on, you hear. That dress don’t come off until I say it comes off. See you back at the Red Roof.

(He has exited. Jenny is tearing up.)

FATHER

Now, Jenny. You are surrounded, now, by very devoted loved ones. Am I right, everyone? We are not here just for a good time. We are here to support you and Elliot. Not only are the two of you making a commitment to one another, but we are making a solemn promise to you. We are here to help the two of you through the tough times. To share your joy as well as your pain. We are you friends and family. Now, look into the eyes of this man here that loves you so deeply.

(Jenny does and she cheers up.)

FATHER

Now, then. Elliot, do you swear to love and cherish this woman with all your heart-

(A cell phone rings. Moe stands in the front row, picking it up.)

MOE

No, Rocko. I said to stay in the Jacuzzi and leave the champagne on ice!... (To Elliot) It’s your new dad.

ELLIOT

Mom!

(Blackout)

Week 19, Day 133 - “Chekhov In The Trailer Park”

“Chekhov In The Trailer Park”
Written by Joe Janes
5/31/09
133 of 365

CAST:
Masha Sue, 30s
Sasha Bob, 50s
Boris, 40s
Lilla, 20s

(Lights up on Lilla and Masha Sue sitting on a beat up couch in the yard in front of their run down shack. Next to them is Uncle Sasha, in a lawn chair, with a large bowl of potato chips in his lap. They watch a small portable TV on a milk crate. They all look solemn.)

MASHA SUE

Some day, sister, we will win the lottery and move to Toledo. We will live in a doublewide, wear new clothes made of real acrylic, own an automobile that no one sleeps in, and dine in restaurants where they bring the salad to you… Lemon Pledge…

SASHA BOB

I love Lucy. She is unaware I live for her and less than ten feet away. My heart rips with desire and doom. My love is a thunderstorm I can never unleash to her – or to another. And you, Ricky, I throw daggers of hate at you. You are unworthy. If I was a singer and I had a nightclub, my wife would be the star of my show every night… you pig. Oh, Lucy. I pain. I tried to hold you and tore the aluminum foil from the rabbit ears. The static electricity of your kiss tickles my moustache and makes me sneeze. (He sneezes) Your flesh is cool, hard and dusty… Lemon Pledge. Oh… I am going to kill myself.

(Sasha Bob plunges his face into the bowl of potato chips as if to drown himself.)

MASHA SUE

We will be courted by handsome men of honor and wealth in Toledo. Sister, we could marry. Hold my hand, Lilla. Hold my hand.

(They do not hold hands or make a move to hold hands. Boris, in worn army fatigues, bursts through the shack door.)

BORIS

Uncle Sasha Bob is dead!

(Sasha raises his head.)

SASHA BOB

No. I’m not. I’m right here.

BORIS

Oh.

(Boris returns to the shack.)

LILLA

Their lips move and I do not hear what they speak. Not since… Not since the fire… Not since… They seem cloudy. Lemon Pledge.

(Lights fade)