Week 21, Day 146 - "Funk and Wagnall"

“Funk and Wagnall”
Written by Joe Janes
6/13/09
146 of 365

CAST
Dad, 50s
Mark, teens
Chuck, teens

(Lights up on Mark and Chuck sitting at a table across from each other, each with a laptop open between them. Dad enters with refreshments.)

DAD

You boys look like you might be working up a thirst. I brought you some soft drinks…(He sets two glass down on the table.) man, oh, man; studying ain’t like it was when I was a kid. Let me tell you. You kids and your computers these days. The world at your finger tips. We had to use encyclopedias when we wanted information. Funk and Wagnalls. Wanted to find something out, had to go look it up in the Funk and Wagnall… Look at that screen. It’s so clear. It’s like Star Trek… You boys studying graphs? Geometry? Tough stuff. Look at that screen. We had math books. Boring old math books. No color. No pictures. But look at that… Well, you boys keep studying hard. The old man’s gonna go down stairs. Watch some CSI-Miami… You boys need to take a break, come on down. We’ll throw some pizza puffs in the toaster oven…. All righty.

(Dad exits.)

MARK

G-4.

CHUCK

You sunk my battleship!

(Blackout)

Week 21, Day 145 - "The Constant Present"

(Back up and running! Whew! Here is Friday's post.)

“The Constant Present”
Written by Joe Janes
6/12/09
145 of 365

CAST
Marty, 30s
Arnold, 20s

(Lights up on Marty and Arnold, two US soldiers guarding the wall of the Green Zone in Iraq.)

MARTY

I’m just saying, maybe it already has happened, Arnold. Maybe somebody did it here. Maybe someone from the future came back in time to Iraq and made sure we killed Sadam Hussein. Maybe there’s a future where Sadam Hussein lived and became an even bigger evil asshole.

ARNOLD

That would mean he’s still alive.

MARTY

Maybe he is. If someone came back in time to kill him.

ARNOLD

Whoa, Marty. That’s nuts. If someone came back in time and killed him, then they changed the future. He’s dead. They changed the outcome. It would happen in a flash and we wouldn’t even notice.

MARTY

I don’t think it works like that. Suppose tomorrow you went back in time and killed Hitler.

ARNOLD

I would so love to do that.

MARTY

Let’s say Hitler, turns out, banged some German barmaid who got pregnant, had a son and that guy turned out to be your grandfather.

ARNOLD

Hey, my great great grandmother did not bang Hitler.

MARTY

Hypothetically.

ARNOLD

She didn’t do it that way, either.

MARTY

All right, it was my great great grandmother. Okay?

ARNOLD

That is a more likely scenario.

MARTY

So, by killing Hitler, you prevented me ever being born. So, what does that mean about right now. Are you on this wall right now talking to me? Or am I simply erased from the world in the blink of an eye? Or maybe you’re not here at all. Maybe my not being born threw things off so much you went on different path in your life. Different job, different location.

(They start making sandwiches as they are now working behind the counter of a Subway sandwich shop.)

ARNOLD

You’re making it too complicated. You kill Hitler, the Jews don’t die, everything is hunky dory. We would still be having this conversation because I don’t leave till tomorrow, right?

MARTY

Well, I actually agree with half of what you are saying. It’s like this foot long chicken teriyaki sandwich with tomatoes. Let’s say the sandwich is a timeline. (He holds up the sandwich.) Let’s say I go back in time and eliminate the first tomato in the sandwich’s history. Now, did that get rid of all the tomatoes that follow?

ARNOLD

No. I can still see them tomatoes.

MARTY

Right. This end of the sandwich is the present, as we know it. It doesn’t change. However, by altering that sandwich’s past, we create a new sandwich that exists elsewhere.

ARNOLD

And we live in that new sandwich, too?

MARTY

Maybe. If we do, we don’t know it. It’s a different reality. This is our reality and this is our constant present. The “now” that we live in.

(They shift to making a dam by hand with logs.)

ARNOLD

A constant present. Like, for us, there’s always us, here, now. If someone goes back in time and changes something, it doesn’t affect us.

MARTY

That’s right, Arnold. Now you’ve got it. It creates a new timeline. It’s like a reboot at that point in time, but it goes off in a different direction, leaving this one the way it is. The end of that log is too wide. Gnaw it down so it will fit in the dam.

(Arnold uses his beaver-like teeth to gnaw down the end of the log as Marty uses his beaver tail to pat down some logs into place.)

ARNOLD

So, if I was a Jew and invented a time machine in my concentration camp and went back in time to stop the holocaust, I’m not really stopping the holocaust.

MARTY

You are for a new reality, but not for your own. Not for the ones you left in the “present.”

ARNOLD

And when I come back, do I come back to my old timeline or the new one?

MARTY

You are just you, so you come back to your old timeline. Things don’t change for you. I mean, if they did, all sorts of things would happen. Not just circumstantial things, huge evolutional things could happen. We could like, lose our tails and fur because we accidentally changed nature and nature figures we don’t need ‘em anymore.

ARNOLD

I would be lost without my tail.

(They are now floating outside a spaceship making repairs.)

MARTY

But, you know, we wouldn’t even know or realize because this is our reality, our constant present. It is what it is. Man, I think we’re too close to that black hole.

ARNOLD

I didn’t want to alarm the rest of the crew, but, yes, we are. Once we get these thrusters repaired, we’ll warp out of here.

MARTY

All in all, I think it’s probably best not to mess with time travel. Be happy where you are.

(They are back to guarding a wall.)

ARNOLD

Yeah. I guess you’re right, Marty. Make the best out of your constant present because you really can’t change things.

MARTY

That’s right, Arnold.

ARNOLD

Let’s hope those Texans don’t try to change things by trying to sneak over this wall.

MARTY

God bless Oklahoma.

ARNOLD

Why would I want to kill some guy named Hitler?

MARTY

Who?

ARNOLD

Hitler?

MARTY

I don’t know who that is.

(Blackout)

Due To Technical Difficulties...

So, yesterday's post didn't happen because I accidentally deleted the entire "365 Sketches" folder on my desktop. Not as big a deal as it sounds. Everything is backed up, except for yesterday's scene, because I was nowhere near my external hard drive when I wrote it.

Right now, I am running a file recovery system on my laptop which is apparently being very thorough. I started it at 5pm yesterday and it is barely half way through looking under every rock and pebble on my hard drive. Perhaps it will find Tron. Hopefully, we'll be back up and posting this afternoon.

The game is still on. I am still writing a scene a day. This changes nothing. Just a delay in getting a post up.

Week 21, Day 144 - “Kenny Spicerman Tells You How To Rule Your World!”

“Kenny Spicerman Tells You How To Rule Your World!”
Written by Joe Janes
6/11/09
144 of 365

CAST
Kenny Spicerman, 30s
Joan, 30s
Bret, 30s
Matt, 50s
Announcer (VO)

(Lights up on Kenny wearing an earpiece-microphone sitting on a bar stool. He has index cards he’s flipping through. Behind him, is an easel with posters on it. The first poster, obviously handmade, says “Kenny Spicerman Tells You How To Rule Your World!” In front of him are several empty chairs. Joan sticks her head in the door and looks around. Kenny makes eye contact with her and she quickly ducks out.)

KENNY

Hey! Hey! Are you here for the seminar?

JOAN (sheepishly re-entering)

Am I in the right place?

KENNY

I’m Kenny Spicerman and I say, “you are always in the right place.” Have a seat, have a seat.

JOAN

Okay.

(She sits in the back row near the door.)

KENNY

You can sit closer, I won’t bite.

JOAN

That’s okay.

KENNY

Okay. I think we’re just going to wait a few minutes, in case some people got lost. You’ve got all these breakout sessions going on all over in this convention hall, you don’t know where you’ll end up. It’s crazy.

JOAN

The guy across the hall is full. There’s people standing in the back and in the doorway.

KENNY

Oh, yeah? Must be giving something away.

JOAN

I don’t know. I couldn’t get in. I wanted to. It’s Matt Tarbock. He wrote that book “A Life More Extraordinary – Woo-Hoo!”.

KENNY

Never heard of it.

JOAN

He was on “Oprah.’

KENNY

Oh, well. There you go. He was on “Oprah.” He could be handing out plastic baggies filled with dog poop and people would be, “Ooh, he was on ‘Oprah’.”

JOAN

What’s your seminar about?

KENNY

I am glad you asked…

JOAN

Joan.

KENNY

Joan! (sing-songy) Joan-on-the-phone. Got it. My seminar’s called “Kenny Spicerman Tells You How To Rule Your World.”

JOAN

Are you Kenny Spicerman?

KENNY

I am.

JOAN

Do you have a book?

KENNY

Yes, I do. Soon. It’s not out yet. I’m still working things out with the printer. Publisher. I do have a blog.

(Bret shuffles in and looks around.)

KENNY (continuing)

Hi, are you here for the seminar?

BRET

You giving any stuff away?

KENNY

I am, indeed. Your name is…?

BRET

Bret.

KENNY

Bret. (sing-songy) Bret-needs-a-vet.

BRET

Hey.

KENNY

What kind of giveaway were you looking for Bret?

BRET

I don’t know. T-shirt. Mug. Button.

KENNY

What I’m giving away is more powerful and more valuable than any old t-shirt or mug or button.

BRET

Those squeezey stress balls are pretty cool.

KENNY

Bret! I’m going to tell you how you can rule your world. How does that sound?

BRET

So, you don’t have anything.

KENNY

Here. Here! (He digs in his pockets) I have 38 cents and a stick of gum. Okay?

BRET

I guess.

JOAN

I didn’t get anything.

KENNY

Here, Joan. For you, I have…. A pen!

BRET

Oh, yeah. Pens are cool, too.

KENNY

I only have one.

JOAN

The cap’s been chewed.

KENNY

Part of the design. It’s rustic. Now, would anyone like to maybe hear the seminar?

(They nod.)

KENNY (continuing)

Great. Great. Welcome. This seminar is called “Kenny Spicerman Tells You How To Rule Your World!”

BRET

Who’s Kenny Spicerman?

JOAN

He is.

BRET

Oh. Go on.

KENNY

Thanks, Bret, for letting me continue. Now, have either of you ever felt there’s a party going on in this world and you weren’t invited?

BRET

Yeah. I do. All the time.

JOAN

Me, too. Even when I’m at a party I was invited to. I feel like I’m crashing it.

BRET

Me, too! I feel so out of place.

KENNY

Then this seminar is for you. Now, is anyone in this room not a human being? Anyone? Raise your hand if you are not a human being.

(Joan slowly raises her hand.)

KENNY (continuing)

Joan. You’re not a human being?

JOAN

No. I am. I just thought you wanted someone to raise their hand.

KENNY

Thank you, but no. So, to be clear, we are all human beings. You know what else we are? We are all human businessings.

(He reveals his next poster, which simply says, written in marker, “We Are All Human Businessings”.)

BRET

I’m a human businessing?

KENNY

You, Bret, are the CEO of Bret, Inc.

BRET

Really?

KENNY

Yes. And you, Joan, are the CEO of JoanCo.

JOAN

I get it. I’m in charge of me. I run my own Joan.

KENNY

That’s right. And who are your employees?

JOAN

My employees?

BRET

My hands. My hands are my employees.

KENNY

Sure. Sure they are.

JOAN

My positive attitude. Right? Please tell me I’m right.

KENNY

You bet you’re right. You’re the boss of that positive attitude. You’re the main man who tells those hands where to go and what to do.

BRET

Oh, my God! This is great, Kenny Spicerman! Do you have a book?

KENNY

I do, but not with me. I have these order forms you can fill out (He hands them to Joan and Bret). Just give me your address and a check for $25 and I’ll send you the book. I’ll even sign it.

BRET

Can I use your pen?

JOAN

Better tell your hands to find their own pen, Mister.

KENNY

That was my last pen.

ANNOUNCER (VO)

Attention, ladies and gentlemen. The New You University Conference sponsored by Starbucks, Whole Foods and Michelin Tires will be meeting in the main room to raffle off a free two-week cruise to the Bahamas. Blackout dates apply. Many blackout dates apply. The two weeks may not be consecutive. The raffle will be in five minutes and you must be present to win.

BRET

Gotta go!

KENNY

But, we didn’t finish-

BRET

I rule my world thanks to you, Kenny Spicerman. Feet, get your ass to the main room. Now!

(He exits)

KENNY

You didn’t fill out-

JOAN

Positive attitude, start working that mojo to get that cruise.

(She exits. Kenny sits on his stool. Matt Tarbock enters. He wears a leather sports coat and matching leather pants.)

MATT

Hey, Kenny. Knock their socks off?

KENNY

Yeah. Yeah, Matt. Hey, I saw you on “Oprah”. That was awesome.

MATT

Are you heading to the main room?

KENNY

Yeah, let me make sure I have my raffle ticket. (Pats his jacket). Crap. I must have left my wallet at home.

MATT

I’ll buy you a ticket. Get you a coke, too.

KENNY

To quote the master, “Woo-hoo!” Thanks, Matt.

MATT

Your blog, by the way, has been a real inspiration to me. You should make it a book.

KENNY

Thanks. I did make it a book. Sort of.

(They walk off. Lights fade.)

Week 21, Day 143 - “Extraction Number Two”

“Extraction Number Two”
Written by Joe Janes
6/10/09
143 of 365

CAST:
Dr. Richards, 20s
Joe, 40s

(Lights up on a dentist’s office. Dr. Richards finishes looking in Joe’s mouth.)

JOE

What’s the verdict, Dr. Richards?

DR. RICHARDS

Well, Joe. Tooth Number Two is definitely fractured. Half of the tooth is dead. We have three options. We do a root canal and put a crown on it, which will be about fifteen hundred dollars and no guarantee that it will work.

JOE

Yikes.

DR. RICHARDS

Option two is we do an extraction for about two hundred dollars.

JOE

Is option three the affordable one?

DR. RICHARDS

It is.

JOE

I’ll take that one.

(Dr. Richards pulls a hammer out of her lab coat.)

DR. RICHARDS

Meet me in the alley. Bring ten bucks.

(Blackout)

Week 21, Day 142 - “If I Were You"

“If I Were You”
Written by Joe Janes
6/9/09
142 of 365

CAST:
Bill, 40s
Natalie, 40s

(Lights up on Bill sitting at the dining room table cleaning his handgun. Natalie enters, exhausted from work. She sets her bag down and sits at the table and lets out a big sigh.)

BILL

How was your day?

NATALIE

Oh, don’t get me going.

BILL

Okay.

(Natalie sighs again.)

BILL (continuing)

Tell me about it. Get it off your chest. Might make you feel better.

NATALIE

This is not going to help, but if I don’t tell you, you’ll just keep pestering me. It’s that Mr. Dennis. He’s always looking over my shoulder. And every time I catch him looking at me, he’s got that look on his face, you know?

BILL

What look?

NATALIE

You know.

BILL

I really don’t.

NATALIE

It’s like this.

(She demonstrates the Mr. Dennis’s scowl.)

BILL

Oh, yeah. Sure. I know that look. Has he said anything to you?

NATALIE

No.

BILL

You should talk to him. He may not even realize-

NATALIE

Look. You don’t know. Okay.

BILL

You complain about that Mr. Dennis a lot. It’s stressing you out. If I were you, I’d talk to him.

NATALIE

Good thing you’re not me. And I don’t need you to tell me what to do.

BILL

I’m just saying – It’s clearly bothering you. Speaking to him might help.

(Natalie shakes her head and sighs. Her phone rings. She picks it up.)

NATALIE

Hi, Helen…No. Just Bill getting on my nerves… Again… About that Mr. Dennis, like I was telling you at lunch…Mmmmm…. Hunh-hunh…..Mmmmmmm…Hunh-hunh…. Really? You think so?.... Mmmmmmm….Hunh-hunh….Mmmmmmm…Hunh-Hunh… Well, that’s sounds like a good idea. I’ll give it try. First thing tomorrow. Thanks, Helen. Love ya’. Bye. (She hangs up.) Helen had some good advice.

BILL

What’s that?

NATALIE

She said that since Mr. Dennis hasn’t said anything to me,he may not even be aware that he’s doing it. And if he is aware, then all the more reason we need to talk. So, I’m going to say something to him tomorrow.

BILL

Isn’t that what I suggested?

NATALIE

You didn’t say all that other stuff that made sense. You just said talk to him.

(Bill sighs. He finishes cleaning his gun and locks it in a metal box. He gets up to put it away in the closet.)

NATALIE (continuing)

Why do you keep your gun locked in that metal box in the closet and your bullets locked up in another box out in the garage. If I were you, I’d keep that damn thing loaded and ready to go and in reach.

BILL

Good thing you’re not me.

(He exits. Natalie gets that Mr. Dennis scowl on her face. Lights fade.)

Week 21, Day 141 - “The International Comedy Writing Institute of America”

“The International Comedy Writing Institute of America”
Written by Joe Janes
6/8/09
141 of 365


CAST:
Tom, 20s
Shecky, 40s
Customer, 30s
Waiter, 30s
Stand-up, 30s
Hooga Booga Guy, VO
Boss, VO

(Lights up on Tom sitting on his couch watching a comedy show on TV. He looks bummed.)

BOSS (VO)

When I left, this storage room was clean and organized. Now, it’s a mess. What do you have to say for yourself, Hooga?

HOOGA BOOGA GUY (VO)

Hooga booga!

(The is a huge laugh track burst of laughter. Tom clicks off the TV.)

TOM

Man, I could write that!

SHECKY (rising from behind the couch)

That’s right, Tom. You could!

TOM

Who are you?

SHECKY

I’m Shecky “Shecky” Greenberg. President of The International Comedy Writing Institute of America.”

TOM

The International Comedy Writing Institute of America?

SHECKY

That’s right. Where you can learn how to create stock comedy characters with overused catchphrases for cash, just like the professionals.

TOM

I could have a career as a comedy writer!

SHECKY

Let’s see, Tom. Take the International Comedy Writing Institute’s patented comedy writing aptitude test.

(Stage right we cut to a customer and his bowl of soup flanked by a waiter.)

CUSTOMER

Waiter, what is this fly doing in my soup?

SHECKY

See if you can pick the right punchline, Tom. Is it A-?

WAITER

Humping a crouton.

SHECKY

B-

WAITER

He’s probably a member of a certain ethnic group (winks).

SHECKY

C-

(The waiter winces and we hear a fart.)

SHECKY

Or D.

WAITER

Oh, my. I am so sorry, sir. Let me take that and get you a new one. The management will pick up your bill.

(The waiter takes the soup and exits.)

SHECKY

If you picked any answer other than “D” – you might have what it takes to be a comedy writer.

TOM

Ooh, I have the right punchline…. The backstroke!

SHECKY

That would be stealing, Tom.

TOM

Oh!

SHECKY

I’m just kidding. At the International Comedy Writing Institute of America we don’t call it stealing, we call it heightening.

TOM

Will I learn how to write stand-up comedy?

SHECKY

Of course you will. And you’ll learn how to write for all kinds of comedians, like Yakov Smirnoff.

(Cut to stage right with Stand-Up at a microphone.)

STAND-UP

In Russia, the walls in my apartment were so thin, whenever I went to the bathroom, my neighbor would ask me to wash his back. What a country!

SHECKY

Or Dane Cook.

STAND-UP

The walls in my apartment are so thin, whenever I go to the bathroom, my neighbor asks me to jerk him off. What the fuck?

(Stand-up victoriously drops microphone and exits.)

TOM

Can I get a job with Saturday Night Live, like the professionals?

SHECKY

You bet you can, Shecky. At the ICWIA, we’ll teach you how to create one-note characters, beat a comic premise to death, and how to end scenes by simply cutting to a commercial. Don’t just watch comedy on TV; learn to deeply despise it while simultaneously craving its love.

TOM

I’m sold! The International Comedy Writing Institute of America is for me, Shecky. Where do I sign up?

SHECKY

Just call the number on the screen.

TOM

What screen?

SHECKY

Operators are standing by.

(Blackout)