Week 25, Day 175 - “Those Who Can't”

“Those Who Can’t”
Written by Joe Janes
7/12/09
175 of 365

CAST
Nick, 30s
Ed, 50s

(Lights up on the small teachers lounge of an arts school. There is rag tag furniture about, including a worn out, well napped upon couch. A small refrigerator and a filthy coffee maker. There is a small table with mismatched chairs. Ed is sitting at a table smoking a cigarette. He looks pensive. Nick walks in. He sees Ed. Ed gives him a nod and flicks an ash into a can of Diet Coke. Nick looks at his watch.)

NICK

What’s wrong with this picture?

ED

I’ll put it out, if you want.

NICK

I don’t care. It’s the city that cares. That’s why they designated that corner on the third floor of the parking garage as a place for you and your ilk. You can’t miss it. It’s well marked by an ever-increasing pile of stubbed butts. Got another?

(Ed hands Nick a cigarette and gives him a light.)

ED

You have a class?

NICK

Tech rehearsal. Later. I’m early. I was already downtown and no place to go. You, however, have a class. You have a class every night of the week. This is practically a fulltime job for you.

ED

It is a fulltime job for me. For me.

NICK

So, who’s in there watching the kids?

ED

Probably nobody. It’s only ten after. Assuming the class is all there, they’ll either leave because of the mythical “ten minute rule” or start playing games on their own. Or, at least, the suck-ups will stick around and do that.

NICK

The office know you’re in here?

ED

Not unless one of the kids got a clue and told them.

NICK

They might get smart and pop their head in the teachers lounge to look for a teacher.

ED

Good point.

(Ed gets up and walks to the door. He closes it and deadbolts it. He sits back down.)

NICK

Do you want to take a photo of me holding today’s newspaper? Or would you rather I cut letters out of it for the ransom note?

ED

You can leave any time you want, Nick. I’m the one who’s stuck here.

NICK

Clever. I’m on to you.

ED

What?

NICK

Using tobacco to cover the smell of the scotch on your breath.

ED

I wish I had that to blame.

NICK

You’re still on the wagon?

ED

Well, clinging to the side, at least. It’s just me in here, Nick. Sober.

NICK

Then you need to take some time off. Get away from this shithole.

ED

Great idea. Except I only get paid when I work. Per class. A vacation means money going out and none coming in. A vacation for me would involve staying at home and not doing anything that involves the monetary system.

NICK

Ed, you’re a great teacher.

ED

No. I’m not.

NICK

Yes. You are. I had you as a teacher. Even when you were a drunk, you were a great teacher.

ED

Well, I’m not one anymore. A drunk or a great teacher.

NICK

Jesus, Ed. I’ve never seen you like this. I mean, I’ve seen you all crotchety and bitter, before. But this is… big.

ED

I’m sick of it. I’m sick of waiting for students to show up on time. I’m sick of fucking cell phones going off and fucking text messaging. I’m sick of looks of resentment when I ask people to get up and do some work. They fucking paid to be here and they act like I’m fucking kicking them in the kidney. They don’t give a fuck. I don’t give a fuck.

NICK

What the fuck is that? These classes are expensive. I couldn’t even afford to be a student here.

ED

Maybe that’s the problem. The students who would appreciate it the most can’t afford to be here.

NICK

Yeah. Maybe.

ED

Or they only want to listen to you until they figure out you’re not their passport to fame and fortune.

NICK

You’re the dude who drilled into me the importance of craft.

ED

Nobody fucking cares about craft anymore.

NICK

I have a student who’s also taking classes at three other places. They’re a terror in class because their brain is collapsing around all the conflicting information.

ED

What’s the fucking hurry?

NICK

Exactly. It’s an art form. You study it. Not implant it.

ED

Fucking kids want the end result without doing the work. Without going through the process.

NICK

“Whoa - I know Kung Fu.”

ED

Guess I’m a relic. I don’t belong here.

NICK

I know that’s not true.

ED

Why?

NICK

Because you’re still here.

ED

Is that some Buddhist bullshit?

NICK

No. I mean, for a guy who wants to blow off a class, you’re maintaining an unusually close vicinity.

ED

Somewhere, somewhere I stopped following my dreams. MY dreams. I shifted from having teaching supplement my income to becoming my income. I don’t do plays anymore because I can’t afford to take the time off from teaching. When the hell did that happen?

NICK

Age 38.

ED

Was it?

NICK

Was for me. I don’t do “starving artist.” I do “eating, paying rent, needs to lose a few pounds artist.” Fifteen years out of college and I was still borrowing money from my parents. Done with that shit.

ED

Do you regret it?

NICK

Sometimes. I wonder what would have happened if I went to LA after college instead of coming here.

ED

I had friends who went out there when I went here.

NICK

Anyone make it big?

ED

No name you’d recognize. Nothing I bother to watch. It breaks my heart I can’t make a living in theater. You know JB?

NICK

The Smiley Window Guy?

ED

Yeah. The Smiley Window Guy. Great actor, too. The Smiley Window Guy gig pays his bills for him and his wife and baby. The last time I saw him on stage was in an Arthur Miller play four years ago. They had to mop the floor after every show because people cried so much. All the reviewers loved it. Loved him. He did that show for eight weeks. Four shows a week. How many of those shows do you think sold out?

(NICK shrugs.)

ED (continues)

Opening night and closing night. How much money do you think he made?

NICK

Dick. He made dick.

ED

Twenty-five dollars. Total. The producers split the profits among the cast and crew. Assuming they didn’t cancel any shows, that means he rehearsed for free and then got a pay bump up to $1.28 a show. This town sucks.

NICK

Great place to learn, bad place to make a living.

ED

He starts teaching here next term.

NICK

JB?

ED

Yeah. Can’t afford to be an actor anymore.

NICK

Look. I have my complaints, but this ain’t such a bad gig. I made a choice to be here. I see a kid do well or do better in my class, because of my class, it makes me feel good. I find myself rooting for them.

(Nick makes a pot of coffee. He reuses a filter full of coffee he fishes from the trash.)

ED

Christ, with what they charge for classes, you think they could afford to keep us jacked up on coffee.

NICK

What, and eat into the profit margin? That’s crazy talk.

ED

What the hell have I done? I feel like I’m waking up from a binge. Instead of booze, it’s been my life. My career. This is all I have. My savings are shit. No 401k. No insurance. If I don’t go in that classroom and go on autopilot, I may as well check in at the Hotel D’Transient with a bag full of dog biscuits.

NICK

Then you should go in there.

(Ed gets up and walks to the door. Nick pours a cup of coffee from a still dripping coffee maker. He holds out a cup to Ed.)

ED

I can’t. I’ve got nothing.

NICK

Have a cup of courage.

ED

I didn’t know courage smelled like ass.

(Ed takes the cup and unloads several sugar packets into it.)

NICK

A great teacher once told me, wisely, that it’s not about me.

ED

A great teacher?

NICK

Okay, some drunk. The point is, I don’t do it for me. I do it for the students. If you do it for the paycheck, you’re doing it for you and you’re not doing anyone, except for the bill collectors, any favors. That’s what keeps me teaching. Because, believe me, I forget it from time to time. I cry over a career that’s not where it’s “supposed” to be. Boo-hoo. So, what. The planet’s still spinning. If the best I have to aim for is making a difference with someone else, then, fuck it, that’s what I’ll aim for.

ED

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

NICK

Yeah, yeah, yeah, what?

ED

You’re right. You’re absolutely right. Left to my own devices, I wouldn’t even get out of bed in the morning. Hell, I wouldn’t even make it to the bed at night. Having to be somewhere helps. It helps a lot.

(There’s the sound of the door handle being turned and then a knock at the door.)

ED

You’re a good teacher, Nick.

NICK

Well, I had a good teacher who passed it on to me.

(There’s another knock at the door.)

ED

Hold your fucking horses!

(Ed turns and looks at Nick.)

NICK

Look. I could pick up the class for you. I could use the $100. You can stay in here and smoke your life away.

ED

Tempting offer. But I think you’re right.

NICK

I’m right about something?

(Ed turns and faces the door.)

ED

The answer’s not in here. It’s not in me. It’s out there. And I seriously have to get away from this coffee. How can you drink this shit?

NICK

I drink for the effect, not the taste.

ED

Right. I should have left on that “it’s out there” line. That would have been better.

NICK

See. You’ve still got it. Pop in on my tech rehearsal, if you want. Shouldn’t take more than two hours.

ED

Good show?

NICK

Nope.

ED

Maybe I will, Ed. Maybe I will. Lights fade.

(Lights fade. Knocking continues.)

Week 25, Day 174 - “Wild Is The Wind”

“Wild Is The Wind”
Written by Joe Janes
7/11/09
174 of 365

CAST
Shackleton, 30s
Bigsby, 30s
Edmund, 30s
Marjorie, 30s

(We hear the sound of a cold, harsh, relentless wind. Lights come up on three men in parkas huddled together on the floor. They are in a small tent. Bigsby, the man in the middle, has a plain winter scarf wrapped around his eyes. He is flanked by Shackleton and Edmund. They surround a small lantern, which they have used to make tea. Shackleton tries to give Bigsby tea in a small metal cup. They all three speak with British dialects.)

SHACKLETON

Here, Bigsby. Here. Sip this. Slowly. It’s hot.

BIGSBY

Not hot enough, Sir. I wish it were hot enough to melt this dammed polar ice cap.

EDMUND (trying to warm his hands)

You would rather drown than freeze to death, Bigsby?

BIGSBY

Most certainly, Edmund. I would rather drown in warm water than just be another lump if ice under this Devil’s snow.

SHACKLETON

Enough of this talk of death, you two. I devote every ounce of energy and every conceivable breath towards making my way back home to England. One step at a time, if need be.

EDMUND

Aye. Even if it takes a hundred years.

SHACKLETON

Let’s hope it doesn’t take that long.

BIGSBY

Sir, thank you for the tea. But I must ask that you stop wasting what is left of our dwindling supplies on me.

SHACKLETON

You are a valued member of this expedition, Bigsby. Belay such talk.

EDMUND

He’s right, Sir.

SHACKLETON

Edmund!

EDMUND

He’s right! We have to face it. And thank the Lord you brought it up, Bigsby. We have used the same tea bag for a week.

BIGSBY

And we ran out of cream and sugar a month ago.

SHACKLETON

And what do you suggest, then, Bigsby?

BIGSBY

I am blinded from the snow. My feet are gangrened. You’ll make better progress if you simply-

EDMUND

Ate you?

BIGSBY

I meant just leave me behind.

EDMUND

But, you won’t have any need for your flesh. No need to let it go to waste.

SHACKLETON

Edmund. We are not going to eat our friend.

EDMUND

If it were me, I would let you eat me.

BIGSBY

You would not.

EDMUND

I would insist upon it.

SHACKLETON

No one is going to eat another man on my expedition. Is that clear?

EDMUND

Yes.

SHACKLETON

That’s better.

EDMUND

Unless you die before me.

SHACKLETON

Edmund!

EDMUND

Just being practical, Sir.

SHACKLETON

The whole point is moot.

BIGSBY

What do you mean?

SHACKLETON

I wasn’t going to tell either of you, but, since we’re alone here at the end of the earth, I may as well share the news with you.

EDMUND

Good news or bad news?

SHACKLETON

Bad. Very bad. Not only are we out of food, we are on our last drop of oil for the lamp. Soon we will have no more light or heat. On top of that, the compass is broken. We are hopelessly lost. For all I can tell, we’ve been traveling in circles.

BIGSBY

This could very well the last night of life for all of us.

EDMUND

I never thought it would end like this. Huddled together with two other men in a small tent, thousands of miles from my wife. If we are going to die, I prefer we die a respectable distance from one another.

SHACKLETON

We are the last bit of human contact you will ever have.

BIGSBY

Please take your hand off my leg, Sir.

SHECKLETON

Oh, sorry. Didn’t realize.

(The light of lantern fluctuates a few times before permanently going out. It is completely dark. )

SHACKLETON

I vowed to myself that some day I would go to the region of ice and snow and go on and on till I came to one of the poles of the earth, the end of the axis upon which this great round ball turns. We had seen God in His splendors, heard the text that Nature renders. We had reached the naked soul of man.

(From outside the tent, we see a flashlight. Whoever is carrying it, pulls back a tent flap and comes into the tent.)

MARJORIE

Bill? Are you guys calling it a night, already?

BIGSBY (pulling the scarf off his eyes, dropping his dialect)

Oh, no, Marjorie. The lantern just ran out of fuel, is all. We have flashlights. (All three of them pull out flashlights.)

EDMUND (dropped dialect)

Evening, Marjorie.

MARJORIE

Hi, Ted.

SHACKLETON (dropped dialect)

Chilly out tonight.

MARJORIE

I was thinking the same thing, Phil. So, I brought you guys some s’mores.

(They all three cheer!)

BIGSBY

Oh, but what will we heat them with? Raw s’mores suck.

MARJORIE

Not to worry. I brought out the electric hot plate and a pan. I ran an extension cord from the garage.

(Edmund takes the hot plate and pan and starts making s’mores.)

BIGSBY

You’re the best, Marjorie.

MARJORIE

You boys have a good night. (She turns to leave) Oh, and the kids wanted me remind you that they want to play in the tent tomorrow, with it being Saturday and all.

SHACKLETON

No, problem. We clear out first thing in the morning.

MARJORIE

Okay, now. Have a nice expedition.

(She exits.)

BIGSBY (back to British dialect)

Those rations ready, Edmund? I’m starving!

(Blackout)

Week 25, Day 173 - “You Have Placed A Chill In My Heart”

“You Have Placed A Chill In My Heart”
Written by Joe Janes
7/10/09
173 of 365

CAST:
Debra, 20s
Scott, 30s
Five Ninjas

(Lights up on Debra sweeping the floor of a coffee shop late at night. She wears a green apron and matching cap. Scott, the manager, crosses the stage carrying cash register rolls. Debra pauses and smiles at him.)

DEBRA

Long day, eh, Scott?

(Scott says nothing and does not even make eye contact with her as he passes. Debra goes back to sweeping.)

DEBRA (to the audience)

I’ve thought about it. I could be a great super hero. I’m invisible.

(Scott pokes his head out from the back of the store.)

SCOTT

Debra. Hurry up. I want to close up.

DEBRA

Unfortunately, it’s selective invisibility. I can be seen when people need something from me. (Her cell phone rings.) Hi, Mom… I’m not psychic. It’s a cell phone. I can tell when you’re calling. …Toilet paper and milk… Can’t it wait till morning? …Yes, I can swing by the store. …And coffee? Mom, I get free coffee from here. …You’ve never tried it. … Fine. Toilet paper, milk and Maxwell House. That’s going to mean another forty-five minutes before I get home… Just tired is all. And I wanted to watch some television before I crashed… You’re right. You’re right. Milk and toilet paper are more important… Don’t wait up. (She hangs up) Please don’t wait up.

(She resumes sweeping. Scott pokes his head out.)

SCOTT

Jesus, Debra. You’re not done, yet.

DEBRA

Almost, Scott. Sorry. My mom called and I got distracted.

SCOTT

Tell your mom that if she’s going to keep bugging you at work, she can come down here and fight the ninjas.

DEBRA

Do the what, now?

SCOTT

Fight the ninjas? Hello?

(Just then five ninjas emerge from the shadows and circle Debra. She quickly dispatches most of them using her broom and a series of kickass kung fu moves. One remaining ninja grabs Scott and threatens to kill him with his sword. Debra drops her broom in compliance. She then seductively removes her hat, shaking her hair loose. She then removes her apron. The ninja and Scott are both very interested in this sexier version of Debra. Debra throws the apron at the ninja who drops his sword trying to defend himself against her apron. She quickly dispatches him, snapping his neck.)

SCOTT

Good job, Debra. Nicely done.

DEBRA

Thanks, Scott.

SCOTT

Now, hurry up and finish cleaning so we can close up. After you dispose of the bodies, you’ll have to mop. Dead ninjas on the floor are a health code violation. (Debra looks at her watch) the longer you take; the longer we’ll be here. C’mon. Tick-tock. (He exits. Debra starts to drag one of the ninjas off stage.)

DEBRA

The hourly wage sucks, but I get a free pound of coffee a week and health benefits.

(Lights fade)

Week 25, Day 172 - "The Hippening"

“The Hippening”
Written by Joe Janes
7/9/09
172 of 365

CAST
G. Notary, 50s
Cassandra, 50s
Eduardo, 30s
Blaine, 50s
Nadia, 20s

(Lights up on an old, vacant bank lobby. G.Notary, dressed all in black save for the Holiday Inn bath towel wrapped around his waist. He is pacing frantically talking into a cell phone.)

G. NOTARY (on phone)

Make sure it’s a hermaphrodite. Not a fuckin’ tranny…and shuh-he has to be okay with me calling her-im Nadia. …Yes. A hermaphrodite. …Why? Because I’m not a fag, that’s why! (Hangs up) Cassandra! Cassandra!

(Cassandra rushes in carrying an incredibly large cup of coffee and a zebra head.)

CASSANDRA

Right here, G. Right here!

G. NOTARY

Cassandra, we are going to transform this bank lobby in just twenty minutes into the most amazing art installation Des Moines has ever seen. Beasts of the earth roaming through the circles of life. Rivers of hungry saliva that course through a man’s soul. The power of nature juxtaposed with the power of hard, shiny surfaces and chained pens.

CASSANDRA

Very powerful, G. Very powerful.

(G’s phone rings. He picks it up. Cassandra starts to walk away, but he snaps his fingers to keep her there.)

G. NOTARY

G. Notary, speak! …Has she given birth? Excellent. …No, no, don’t rinse it off. We want as much placenta as possible. More the merrier. Give the mother a tranq or something. (Hangs up) The rhinoceros has given birth.

CASSANDRA

That’s great news, G!

G. NOTARY

Why are you still here?

CASSANDRA

I’m not.

(She quickly exits.)

G. NOTARY

Eduardo! Eduardo!

(Eduardo enters. He is dressed as an animal, something with a tail, like a bull, but has his own shaved human head.)

EDUARDO

Right here, G.

G. NOTARY

Eduardo! I shall devour a shake made of iced milk, chocolated. A salad, sans raisins. Dressed in ranch and the love of a motherly woman. And Frenched fries.

EDUARDO

The usual.

G. NOTARY

Yes. The usual.

(Eduardo starts to exit.)

G. NOTARY

You have a lovely skull.

EDUARDO

Thank you.

(G’s phone rings.)

G. NOTARY

G. Notary, speak! …Yes, yes! We start in less than twenty minutes. Get your garbanzo buns here, Rudolph. …And bring …Nadia. She is my muse. This installation is dedicated to her, Rudolph. Whoa, oh, whoa! My hermit like heart seals itself off like a crab shelled, yet its meat is tender and buttery … She must come. Nadia must come. Tell her there will be appletinis! (He hangs up) Why does my art bring such torment into my life? Why do I not have a breast in my hand, right now?

(G. collapses on the floor and flails himself. Blaine enters. He wears a pinstriped suit and walks with stately elegance. Very Tim Gunn.)

BLAINE

Smells like a funeral home in here. Pine-Sol and formaldehyde. G. your gnashing of teeth is tiresome. You must no longer mourn the loss of our father’s love. Soldier on. Bring forth your manhood and thrust it upon the marbled walls of this lobby. Set your jaw, tell the world to fuck off, and suck on the teat of life.

G. NOTARY

Nadia is not coming. I do this for her.

BLAINE

You do this because it is breath to you. It is your water and your life. If you did not do this, you would suffocate. Or dehydrate. Nadia is a thumbnail stabbing at the chambers of your heart. Brush it away. Brush it away.

(G. Notary stands and walks over to Blaine. He hugs him. They slap each other. They hug, again.)

G. NOTARY AND BLAINE

Driver of madness, drive on!

(Blaine exits. G’s phone rings.)

G. NOTARY

G. Notary, speak!... I was crying, that’s all… A better question is why aren’t we all crying all the time? …How many pillows? How many pillows? How the hell should I know? However many pillows it takes to fill this lobby up to my hips, that’s how many. I should be wading in pockets of downy goodness.

(Cassandra enters. She no longer carries the world’s largest coffee cup. She is attempting to eat the world’s largest bagel.)

CASSANDRA

G. When does the show begin?

G. NOTARY

A better question is when does the show end? When does it ever end?

(Eduardo enters carrying a bag of food from McDonald’s.)

EDUARDO

Here is your food, G. Extra raisins.

(Blaine enters. His pant legs are rolled up to his knees and he is barefoot. Flowers stick out between his toes.)

BLAINE

The king is dead.

(Nadia enters dressed in white Jackie Kennedy-era attire.)

NADIA

Hello, G.

G. NOTARY

Hello, Nadia.

NADIA

I came.

G. NOTARY

I see.

NADIA

I’m leaving you.

G. NOTARY

I know.

NADIA

After the appletinis.

(She exits.)

G. NOTARY

I knew that, too.

(G looks sad and everyone looks sympathetic. They surround him in stage-picture worthy half-hugs and hold their poses. G’s phone rings.)

G. NOTARY (picks up)

G. Notary, speak! …Hermaphrodite! Look it up!

(Blackout)

Week 25, Day 171 - “Down on the Farm”

“Down on the Farm”
Written by Joe Janes
7/8/09
171 of 365

CAST:
Farmer Brown, 50s
Sherman, 12
Various cows

(Lights up on Farmer Brown sitting on his front porch rocking in his chair. Sherman, a small boy, approaches him.)

SHERMAN

Hi, Farmer Brown!

FARMER BROWN

Well, hello there, Sherman.

SHERMAN

Guess what we learned about in school today?

FARMER BROWN

How to make a taco?

SHERMAN

Nope.

FARMER BROWN

How to count to 3,472?

SHERMAN

Nope.

FARMER BROWN

I know, I know. How to make a bomb out of fertilizer.

SHERMAN

Maybe I should just tell you.

FARMER BROWN

That’s a good idea.

SHERMAN

We learned all about dairy farms, like yours.

FARMER BROWN

Like mine?

SHERMAN

Just like yours.

FARMER BROWN

What did they tell you?

SHERMAN

They said cows live on farms. During the day, they graze on grass in open fields and at night sleep on beds of hay in barns, like that one.

FARMER BROWN

That? That’s just for show. I rent it out for parties and tourists like to have their picture taken in front of it. The cattle’s all in that building over there.

SHERMAN

That windowless metal shed?

FARMER BROWN

I still call it a barn. What else did the teacher tell you?

SHERMAN

Well, she said that whenever you need milk for your family, you just grab a bucket and milk one of the cows.

FARMER BROWN

Ha! Shows how much your teacher knows. (puts his finger to the side of his nose) A dealer doesn’t sample his own stuff. (wink) Want to visit them cows? See what it’s really like?

SHERMAN

You bet I do.

FARMER BROWN

Right this way, Sherman!

(They walk across the stage. Farmer Brown takes out keys and undoes a series of locks on a door.)

SHERMAN

Gosh, Farmer Brown, why so many locks?

FARMER BROWN

Cows are money, Sherman. Your parents ever teach you to lock up your valuables?

SHERMAN

Just my bike.

FARMER BROWN

Well, multiply the value of your bike by a million.

SHERMAN

Would if I could.

FARMER BROWN

And that’s the value of my cows.

(Farmer Brown opens the door, but before they go in…)

FARMER BROWN

Now, Sherman, you’re about to see a special place. A place many little boys never get to see. Are you ready?

SHERMAN

More than ever, Farmer Brown!

FARMER BROWN

Then enter and be amazed by Farmer Brown’s Real Barn.

(They enter and see basically a large, plumpy pile of live cows. About a dozen. Stacked on another in something like a cow pyramid. Off to the side in the corner is one lone cow standing on a milk crate with a black garbage bag over his head and his upper legs spread out holding wires.)

SHERMAN

Wow! There’s so many of them in such a small space.

FARMER BROWN

I told you it was amazing.

SHERMAN

There must be a dozen cows there.

FARMER BROWN

Oh, way more. Hundreds more. This is just the tip of the bovine pyramid. See, there’s a hole in the floor.

SHERMAN

Why are they stacked like this?

FARMER BROWN

Makes it easier to store them and feed them.

SHERMAN

Can I feed them?

FARMER BROWN

Nope. It’s all done by machines. Twice a day, they get hosed down with nutrient-laced water. And once a day, they’re sprinkled with a mixture of ground up corn, newspaper, Valium and animal remnants.

SHERMAN

Animal remnants?

FARMER BROWN

Whatever’s left of a cow that we can’t sell. You know, the stuff they won’t even put in a hot dog. Nothing goes to waste around here.

SHERMAN (pointing to cow standing in corner)

Did that cow do something bad?

FARMER BROWN

Yes, he did, Sherman. He was born a male. See, we need pregnant female cows to produce a lot of milk.

SHERMAN

Don’t you need boy cows to make the girl cows pregnant?

FARMER BROWN

Not in this day and age. We use other methods, such as artificial insemination.

SHERMAN

Artificial insemination?

FARMER BROWN

That’s where I make the girl cow pregnant. (Sherman and Farmer Brown stare at each other for a moment. Sherman clearly is getting a disturbing image in his mind.) …With science!

SHERMAN

Oh, science!

FARMER BROWN

He has to stand there for a month and then we’ll turn him into veal. It’s his own fault, really.

SHERMAN

Dumb cow.

FARMER BROWN

You’re a smart boy, Sherman. Have a lollipop!

(Farmer Brown gives Sherman a lollipop, which he eagerly accepts and unwraps.)

SHERMAN

Thanks, Farmer Brown.

FARMER BROWN

Let me get a picture of you with my brownie and you can show it to your teacher.

(Farmer Brown takes a small instant camera out of his pocket.)

SHERMAN

That would be great.

FARMER BROWN

Stand right next to the cow pile.

SHERMAN

Like this!

(He smiles and points at the cows with the lollipop in his mouth, just like that pic from Abu Ghraib.)

FARMER BROWN

Say, “Cheeese!”

(Sherman says “cheese!” as the cows “moo” pathetically. Farmer Brown snaps the shot. Blackout.)

Week 25, Day 170 - "Bedtime Stories"

“Bedtime Stories”
Written by Joe Janes
7/7/09
170 of 365

CAST:
Wally, 40s
Fran, 40s
Connor, 6

(Lights up on Wally, sitting in a chair in his living room, reading a Tom Clancy novel and listening to softly playing classical music. Next to him is another chair and next to it on the floor is a sewing basket. Fran enters and sits in the chair near him.)

FRAN

The kids are all in bed.

WALLY

I think this is my favorite time of the day.

FRAN

It’s quiet.

WALLY

Did you read them a story?

FRAN (opening up her sewing basket)

I did. I read them The Emperor’s New Clothes.

WALLY

Oh, really? I didn’t know we had that. Hmmm.

FRAN

Don’t worry. I left out the part where he parades around in his underwear.

WALLY

Oh, good. I think they’re just too young for that.

(Fran begins to roll a joint.)

FRAN

I just left it at the emperor getting some fancy new duds that only smart people can see. I showed them the pictures in the book and they pretended they could see his clothes, too.

WALLY

I like that. Bet it made them feel special.

FRAN (lighting up)

Honey… (She snaps her fingers and points.)

WALLY

Oh.

(He picks up a remote and switches the classical music to The Grateful Dead.)

FRAN (exhaling)

That’s better.

(She passes the joint over to Wally. He takes a toke and passes it back.)

WALLY

Time to get comfortable.

(He takes off his pants, tosses them aside, sits back down and resumes reading.)

FRAN

Our kids are so lucky.

WALLY

They sure are.

FRAN

We’re happily married. We’re not on welfare. We have a college fund. Complete coverage.

WALLY

Other kids should be so lucky.

(Connor enters.)

CONNOR

Mom, Dad, can I have a drink of water?

WALLY

What’s the magic word, Sport?

CONNOR

Please?

FRAN

That’s better. No, Connor. You cannot.

WALLY

You’ll wet the bed.

CONNOR

But I’m thirsty.

FRAN

Connor.

WALLY

I’m counting to three. One-

CONNOR

Okay, I’m going back to bed.

(He kisses Fran on the cheek and hugs Wally.)

WALLY

That’s a good boy.

CONNOR

I like your pants, Dad.

WALLY

Hunh?

CONNOR

Just like the emperor’s.

WALLY

Oh. Right.

FRAN

They are very handsome trousers, Wally.

CONNOR

Did you sew them, Mom?

FRAN

Why, yes, I did. Now, off to bed, with you.

CONNOR

Good night.

WALLY

Sweet dreams, Sport.

FRAN

And don’t wake Dakota, Tiffany, Shane, Zac, or Trig when you get back in bed.

CONOR

I won’t.

(Connor exits.)

FRAN

They are so lucky to have us.

WALLY

I do like these pants.

FRAN

Me, too.

(They continue to pass the joint as lights fade.)

Week 25, Day 169 - "Twi-Lite"

“Twi-Lite”
Written by Joe Janes
7/6/09
169 of 365

CAST
Edward, 13
Emily, 13
Bella, 13
Mrs. Cullen, 40s


(Lights up on Edward, a pale, slightly overweight 13-year-old sitting on a swing in the school playground. He looks as though his mother dressed him. His beat-up Spiderman backpack is at his feet. He is squinting at the sun. Off to the side and behind, Bella and Emily appear. They have been watching him. Emily is carrying one of the Twilight vampire books. Emily whispers into Bella’s ear and they giggle.)

BELLA

Are you sure?

EMILY

He has to be, Emily. He’s new, he’s a stranger, and he’s mysterious.

(Edward picks his nose and wipes it on his sweater under his arm.)

BELLA

He’s such a savage.

EMILY

See? Only a bloodthirsty animal would do that. Go talk to him.

(Emily pushes Bella. Bella turns to Emily and shoo’s her away. Emily exits.)

BELLA

Hey, new boy.

EDWARD

Hey.

BELLA

My name’s Bella. It’s not my real name. My real name is Sarah, but I don’t like it. I make people call me Bella. What’s your name?

EDWARD

Edward.

BELLA

Edward,really? I just knew it. You’re all shiny.

EDWARD

It’s hot out here. My mom makes me wear a sweater.

(Bella sits in the swing next to him.)

BELLA

You moved here with your family? Do you do that a lot? Move from town-to-town? So people can’t hunt you down?

EDWARD

I have special needs.

BELLA

Oh, so, do I, Edward.

EDWARD

Really? I didn’t see you in the special needs class.

BELLA

Edward. I know who you are. I know what you are. (She stands.) I want you to turn me.

EDWARD

Okay.

(He stands and faces her. He places his hands on her shoulders; she closes her eyes, and then, turns her so she is facing the other way. He sits back down. She opens her eyes.)

BELLA

Hey! You’re toying with my affections. Aren’t I good enough for you? Don’t you think I’m pretty? Oh, of course. I see. You’re fighting your urges. You don’t want to be a monster. (She kneels down and takes his hands.) It’s okay, Edward. I want this. I want to be one of you.

EDWARD

Okay.

(He opens up his backpack and hands her a safety helmet.)

EDWARD

Put this on. I’m supposed to wear it all the time, but it makes me feel stupid. If you wear one, I won’t feel so bad.

(They both put on the helmets.)

BELLA

I didn’t know about this part, but it makes sense. You run and jump so fast.

EDWARD

That’s what my mom says.

BELLA

Now will you bite me?

EDWARD

Okay.

(Edward bites her arm.)

BELLA

OW! Hey, that hurt!

EDWARD

Because I bit you.

BELLA

You’re supposed to hypnotize me first.

EDWARD

Okay.

(He makes a wavy motion with his hand. Bella responds like she’s a little faint. She closes her eyes.)

BELLA

I can feel it. Now, bite me.

(Edward looks at her and isn’t sure where to bite her. He gets down on all fours and bites her leg.)

BELLA (jumping away)

Ow! That freakin’ hurts! What’s wrong with you?

(Mrs. Cullen, Edward’s mom enters.)

MRS. CULLEN

Edward! What were you doing?

EDWARD (runs to his mom)

Mom!

MRS. CULLEN

What were you doing to this poor girl?

EDWARD

She wanted me to bite her.

MRS. CULLEN

Not again.

BELLA

So he is a vampire.

MRS. CULLEN

No, he’s not. But every teenage girl who’s read Twilight thinks he is.

BELLA

But he’s pale, and he’s shiny in the daylight, and he’s broody. Speaks very few words. And he bit me, twice.

MRS. CULLEN

He’s not a vampire. He’s mentally challenged.

BELLA

He’s a retard?

MRS. CULLEN

If that’s what you want to call it. Looks like he’s turned you into one, too.

(Bella takes off the helmet and throws it on the ground.)

BELLA

He can’t do that, can he?

MRS. CULLEN

Oh, sure. It’s like getting rabies. Better stay away from him, but, judging from your shiny forehead, it might be too late.

(Bella wipes seat off her brow.)

BELLA

Oh, no. Oh, no! Emily! Emily! He’s turned me into a retard!

(She runs off.)

EMILY (off)

Ew, stay away from me!

EDWARD

Are we going to have to move, again?

MRS. CULLEN

I don’t think so, Eddie. Just don’t bite people because they ask you to.

EDWARD

Okay. I love you, Mom.

MRS. CULLEN

I love you, too. Let’s go find some rats to feed on.

EDWARD (clapping hands)

Yay! Rats!

(Blackout)