Week 26, Day 182 - “The Last Word”

“The Last Word”
Written by Joe Janes
7/19/09
182 of 365

CAST:
Dr. Menlo, 60s
Mr. Evans, 20s

(Lights up on a psychiatrist’s office. Dr. Menlo sits at his desk. Sitting across from him is Mr. Evans, a young, clean-cut man.)

DR. MENLO

Mr. Evans. We are going to do word association. I will say a word and you will say the first thing that comes into your mind. Do you understand?

MR. EVANS

Yes, Dr. Menlo.

DR. MENLO

Good. (Pause) Bicycle.

MR. EVANS

Bicycle.

DR. MENLO

Let’s move on to the Rorschach test. I will show you a picture. You tell me what it looks like. Are you ready?

MR. EVANS

Yes.

(Dr. Menlo shows Mr. Evans a blotter stain.)

DR. MENLO

Tell me what you see?

MR. EVANS

It looks like someone spilled ink onto a board, folded it in half and opened it back up again.

(Dr. Menlo takes out his pocket watch and holds it in front of Mr. Evans by the fob. He makes it sway from side-to-side.)

DR. MENLO

You are getting sleepy.

MR. EVANS

Yes. I am.

DR. MENLO

Mr. Evans, you are cured.

MR. EVANS

I am? On my first session? But my father and I don’t speak. My mother ran off to Las Vegas with an Elmo impersonator. I’m a wreck around women. My career is in the dumper. And my cat died.

DR. MENLO

Get over it.

MR. EVANS

Oh. Okay.

DR. MENLO

That’ll be $200.

MR. EVANS

Thanks?

(Blackout)

Week 26, Day 181 - “Giant Leap”

“Giant Leap”
Written by Joe Janes
7/18/09
181 of 365

CAST:
Neil Armstrong
Buzz Aldrin
Michael Collins
Walter Cronkite

(Lights come up on a dimly lit stage. Off in the corner is a stepladder. We hear radio static and see Neil Armstrong, in his spacesuit, slowly descending the ladder.)

WALTER CRONKITE (VO)

This is a historic moment, ladies and gentlemen. Armstrong is on the moon. Neil Armstrong, a 38-year-old American, about to stand on the surface of the moon this July 20th, 1969. The whole world is witnessing this momentous occasion.

NEIL ARMSTRONG (VO)

That’s one small step for man. One giant leap for mankind.

(Neil slowly walks off as Buzz Aldrin descends the stairs.)

WALTER CRONKITE (VO)

That doesn’t really seem to be grammatically correct, probably should have been one small step for “a” man, but I think we get the gist. And now we see, Buzz Aldrin. Soon to be the second man to step foot on the lunar surface.

BUZZ ALDRIN (VO)

I'd like to take this opportunity to ask every person listening in, whoever and wherever they may be, to pause for a moment and contemplate the events of the past few hours, and to give thanks in his or her own way.

(Buzz joins Neil is slowly walking around and exploring the lunar surface.)

WALTER CRONKITE (VO)

Both men seem to really understand the breadth and scope of this breakthrough for all of humanity. Michael Collins is the third member of the Apollo 11 crew. Let’s see what he has to say about traveling 250,000 miles through space to the moon only to remain onboard the command module Columbia.

MICHAEL COLLINS (VO)

I cannot tell you how, as an earthling hovering above the moon all by myself, this really, really, sucks donkey ass. Take a giant leap over my dick and say thanks to that.

(Neil and Buzz flip Collins the bird overhead.)

WALTER CRONKITE (VO)

I am at a loss for words.

(Blackout.)

Week 26, Day 180 - “Angry Cow”

(This was posted after midnight Friday.)

“Angry Cow”
Written by Joe Janes
7/17/09
180 of 365

CAST
Billy, 40s
Ray, 40s

(Lights up on Ray and Billy in Billy’s basement den. Billy is looking at his watch. Ray is holding a glass. There is a small keg on a table before them.)

BILLY

And…it…is…now…almost…there! Ready!

RAY

You’re going to be the next Sam Adams, Billy.

BILLY

We’ll see, Ray. We’ll see. Hand me your glass.

(Billy taps the small keg and pours Ray a glass.)

BILLY

Wait. Don’t sip it, yet.

(Billy takes another glass and pours himself some.)

RAY

Ah, yes. Please join me in a drink, Sir.

BILLY

It would be my pleasure, Sir. Let us gentle men partake of our handcrafted beer.

RAY

Life’s lubricant.

BILLY

The true vessel of humanity.

RAY

To your own brand – What do you call it?

BILLY

I christen thee, Angry Cow.

RAY

A fitting tribute.

BILLY

My ticket to beer stardom.

RAY

My ticket to free beer.

(They clink their glasses and sip.)

BILLY

Not bad.

RAY

Not bad, at all.

BILLY

Michelle said I needed a hobby.

RAY

A man must fill his time with goodly deeds.

BILLY

I thought watching television was a worthwhile endeavor.

RAY

It’s not like you turn it on just to fill the void.

BILLY

Nor do I flip. I am not a channel flipper. I know what I want to watch when I want to watch it.

RAY

That takes forethought. You are a man with a plan.

BILLY

But Michelle thinks watching TV is watching TV, period. It’s unproductive.

RAY

Unproductive? Then why do TV shows have producers?

BILLY

I wish I had thought of that.

RAY

Now, you make beer.

BILLY

I am now a producer of beer in my basement den. I saw a documentary on the Food Network and I thought, “I can do that.”

RAY

Take that, Michelle.

BILLY

Life is about finding those opportunities.

RAY

Have you called the bank, yet?

BILLY

No. How long does it take to get your wife’s name off your credit cards?

RAY

Took no time at all to take Julie’s name off my cards. You just have to call.

BILLY (pouring himself more beer)

I’ll call after this beer.

(They sip.)

RAY

Anything on TV?

BILLY

I don’t know. Turn it on and see.

RAY (picking up remote and clicking it)

Take that, Angry Cow.

(Lights fade.)

Week 26, Day 179 - “Never Been Ruffied”

“Never Been Ruffied”
Written by Joe Janes
7/16/09
179 of 365
(Based on a premise by Val d'Orito and title suggested by Blair Bogin)

CAST:
Valerie, 20s
William, 20s
Homeless Guy, 50s

(Lights up on Valerie sitting on a park bench nibbling at a sandwich, but clearly having something weighing on her mind. Off behind her is a homeless guy rummaging through a garbage can. William enters, carrying his brown bag lunch. He kisses Valerie on the cheek and sits down.)

WILLIAM

Sorry, I’m late. The Monday morning staff meeting went longer than it was supposed to, or needed to. (Valerie doesn’t respond.) How are things going at the brokerage firm?

VALERIE

Oh, you know…

WILLIAM

What’s wrong, Valerie?

VALERIE

Blair didn’t come in to work today.

WILLIAM

Oh. Everything all right?

VALERIE

She got ruffied over the weekend.

WILLIAM

That’s horrible. Did she know the guy?

VALERIE

I didn’t get the details. William, do you know anyone who’s been ruffied?

WILLIAM

Not really. In college, I heard about-

VALERIE

Six of my friends have been ruffied. And now Blair makes seven.

WILLIAM

It’s a fucked up world.

VALERIE

What’s wrong with me?

WILLIAM

Nothing. You’re perfect.

VALERIE

You’re just saying that because you love me.

WILLIAM

Sorry.

VALERIE

Am I not pretty enough? I know I’m conventionally pretty.

WILLIAM

Valerie…

VALERIE

Maybe it’s not all about looks, though. Maybe I’m too easy. If a guy thinks he can get somewhere with you, he’s not going to waste a ruffie on you.

WILLIAM

I’m sure Blair would be happy to trade places with you.

VALERIE

Fine with me, but the guy who ruffied her would obviously be disappointed.

WILLIAM

I’m sorry you’re not more attractive to douche bags.

VALERIE

You don’t know what it’s like.

WILLIAM

You’re right; I don’t know what it’s like to want to be molested.

VALERIE

William, I don’t want to be molested. It’s just that, I’ve never been molested. No creepy relative, no over attentive teacher or clergy. No sloppy, pathetic gropes from a nightclub drunk. Not even a closet lesbian college roommate. Jesus Christ, it can mess with a girl. I’ve never even been rubbed up against on a crowded train.

WILLIAM

Really? Sheesh, even I’ve had that happen.

VALERIE

Man or woman?

WILLIAM

Both. Same train ride.

VALERIE

I feel like a virgin that should be tossed into a volcano.

WILLIAM

Would you like me to rub up against you?

VALERIE

You don’t count.

WILLIAM

Thanks.

VALERIE

I want someone to find me so viscerally physically hot they can’t stand it. They just have to touch me. You know me too well. You like me for lots of different reasons. I want to know that I’m so smoking hot it makes someone go into heat and do stupid things, like whip it out on the bus and risk getting kicked off or arrested.

WILLIAM

You really want something like that?

VALERIE

At least once. It’s kind of a compliment.

(William sets his lunch down on the bench and Valerie continues to stare out. He whispers to the homeless guy who nods his head. The homeless guy walks up behind Valerie and sets his junk on her shoulder.)

VALERIE (continuing)

That is so sweet.

(William tries to give the man some money, but he waves him off.)

HOMELESS GUY

It’s on me.

VALERIE (noticing it’s not William and jumping up)

Ew!

(Blackout)

Week 26, Day 178 - “Big Bother”

“Big Bother”
Written by Joe Janes
7/15/09
178 of 365

CAST
Christy, 20s
Susie, 12
Joey, 8
Bobby, 9
Derek, 15

(Lights up on a living room. Susie is coloring. Joey and Bobby are playing a video game. Hostess Christy Ronson stands to the side.)

CHRISTY

Welcome back. We have three contestants left. Susie, twelve, Joey and Bobby, both eight and nine. Packy, the family cat was eliminated last week after she and her kittens were unable to survive the laundry room “Trapped In A Dryer” Challenge. This week, the remaining siblings must survive the weekend under the care of Derek, the oldest son at 15 and de facto man of the house while the parents are away. Whoever makes it through the weekend with the least amount of penalties, gets to spend a week away from their big brother in a Holiday Inn Holidome two miles away. Let’s peek in via our hidden cameras on “Real Big Brother.”

(Derek, a big, lumbering teen walks in. He takes a controller away from Joey.)

DEREK

Give me that, Urethra Franklin.

JOEY

Hey!

SUSIE

You’re not supposed to use dirty words, Derek.

DEREK

Urethra’s not dirty. It’s in the dick-tionary. Who’s winning?

BOBBY

I am!

DEREK

Not any more.

(Derek gives Bobby titty twisters as they play. This obviously hurts Bobby who eventually messes up.)

DEREK

You’re dead! I win – again!

BOBBY

That’s not fair.

DEREK

You gonna cry, crybaby?

BOBBY

I’m just saying it’s not fair.

DEREK

Oh, boo-hoo. Poor little pouty baby.

SUSIE

You’re such a jerk, Derek.

DEREK

Shut up, Robert Downey Syndrome, Junior.

SUSIE

That’s not my name.

DEREK

It’s not? I’m sorry. I thought it was. What is your name?

SUSIE

Susie, jerk wad.

DEREK

Susie Jerkwad, glands to meet ya’!

JOEY

Can’t you just leave us alone?

DEREK

No, I can’t, fecal face. Because I’m in charge and we do what I say. Right now, you all have to (lifts the back of his shirt and sits down) scratch my back.

SUSIE

Ew!

BOBBY

You have zits on your back.

JOEY

There are more zits than back.

DEREK

Too bad, titmice. Get scratching, because who ever doesn’t do a good job, has to wear my jock strap on their head for the rest of the night. It’s a penal-ty.

(The three of them start scratching his back. There are a few unfortunate pops and pus sprays in the process.)

SUSIE (stops scratching)

I’m going to throw up.

DEREK

Looking at your face, I thought you already did. What about you two, Anus and Andy? How are you enjoying scratching my backside?

JOEY AND BOBBY (mumbling)

…Okay…

DEREK

Then, Susie. You get to wear my jockstrap on your head. Go ahead and fish it out of the dirty laundry.

SUSIE

I hate this game

(She exits.)

DEREK

Well, girls –

JOEY

We’re not girls.

DEREK

Well, then, men-strations. Time for some head-to-head challenges!

(Lights shift and Christy comes out.)

CHRISTY

After a series of grueling challenges, Joey and Bobby find some peaceful moments in the confessional room. Let’s listen in.

(Lights up on a visibly upset Joey cradling a crying Bobby in the confessional.)

JOEY

And then, he made us eat our own boogers. Till we ran out. Then he made us eat his boogers.

BOBBY

They were so huge! Like worms. How can a he have so much snot in his head? He’s not human.

JOEY

Then he pinned us and dribbled a string of drool into our faces and then sucked it back up at the last second.

BOBBY

Except the last one.

JOEY

Except the last one.

BOBBY

After he ate the Oreo cookie.

JOEY

That’s when Bobby snapped.

CHRISTY

The boys are having a rough time. Let’s bring Susie back into the picture. The game is too close to call. Let’s see how things play out in the deciding round.


(Bobby starts crying loudly and Joey tries to rock him and calm him down. Cut back to the living room with all of them together, including Susie with a jock strap on her head.)

DEREK

Okay, one final testicle for you munch bags. You’re going to like this one. It’s a donut-eating contest!

SUSIE

Really?

JOEY AND BOBBY

Yay!

DEREK

Yep. All the Hertz donuts you want.

JOEY

A Hertz donut?

(Derek punches Joey in the sack. He goes down to his knees in pain.)

DEREK

Hurts, don’ it?

(Cut back to Christy)

CHRISTY

The Hertz Donut Challenge – advantage, Susie. She ends up spending the week away from Derek. Joey was eliminated from the “Real Big Brother” competition due to a burst testicle. Next week, Susie and Bobby have to do Derek’s chores and steal their father’s credit card to buy porn on-line. And then there’s the final death challenge…

(Cut back to Derek)

DEREK

Okay, organ donors; get ready to eat my farts!

(Blackout)

Week 26, Day 177 - "Alienation of Affection""

“Alienation of Affection”
Written by Joe Janes
7/14/09
177 of 365

CAST
Bernard, 40s
Phyllis, 40s
Noreen, 40s

(Lights up on Bernard wearing an 80’s-style yellow jumpsuit with shoulder pads. It is a bit snug on him, especially around the waist. He is setting a table for a romantic candle lit dinner. We hear a door close offstage.)

PHYLLIS (off)

Bernard?

BERNARD

In the dining room, Phyllis.

PHYLLIS

The dining room? (She stands in the doorway, wearing a woman’s business suit and carrying a bag stuffed with papers from work.) I forgot we had a dining room.

BERNARD

It’s a shame we never used it.

PHYLLIS

It smells like heaven in here.

BERNARD

That would be the eggplant parmesan.

PHYLLIS

Eggplant parm and what else?

BERNARD

Um, oh, my Axe Body Spray.

PHYLLIS

My favorite dish and my favorite dish. And I thought it was just going to be another boring Tuesday night.

BERNARD

Sit, Phyllis. Sit. Have some wine.

(Phyllis sits.)

PHYLLIS

Must say I could get used to this royal treatment, Bernard. What’s with the 80’s night?

BERNARD

This? It’s my uniform.

PHYLLIS

Bernard, you were wearing that the night we met in Dayton, Ohio.

BERNARD

So, I was.

PHYLLIS

Can’t believe you dragged that thing out of mothballs. I’m so glad my sister dragged me to that nightclub, though. Never thought I’d meet my future husband there. I tell my students that if they want to meet the love of their life, they better learn how to dance and hold their liquor.

BERNARD

Wise words for third graders to hear.

PHYLLIS

I think I smell a rat. You cheated on me.

BERNARD

What?

PHYLLIS

You did! You cheated on me. You wouldn’t act like this unless there was something wrong. There must be something very, very wrong. Who is she?

BERNARD

No one, Phyllis. No one. I didn’t cheat on you. You’re the only one on earth for me.

PHYLLIS

More wine. (Bernard pours her more wine.) So after twenty years of marriage, you just decide, out of the blue, to cook up a romantic evening for your wife.

BERNARD

Well, no. Not exactly. I have something to tell you.

PHYLLIS

I knew it.

BERNARD

I’m an alien.

(Phyllis looks serious for a moment and then laughs.)

BERNARD (continuing)

I return to my home planet in an hour. (Phyllis laughs some more.) The mother ship is almost in range to pick me up.

PHYLLIS

Stop, Bernard. I can’t eat if you keep making me laugh.

BERNARD

Phyllis. I mean it. You know how we’ve never been able to have kids?

PHYLLIS

Because of your low sperm count.

BERNARD

That’s just what I told you. It’s because my penis is actually a third arm. Very handy working the flonium mines on my planet. In my species, sexual organs are in the feet. For both genders.

PHYLLIS

So, every time I gave you a foot massage I was actually…

BERNARD

Oh, yeah. And it was very good.

PHYLLIS

Bernard. You’re putting me on. This eggplant parmesan is the best. Good job.

BERNARD

Phyllis, I need you to believe me. I’m leaving. For good. Forever.

PHYLLIS

Well, if you want to leave then just leave. You don’t have to make up all this spaceman bullshit. Be a man about it.

BERNARD

I can’t be a man about it. I’m not a man. I’m a Turlubian. From Turlubia. Several solar systems away.

PHYLLIS

Okay, fine. You’re a Turlubian. From Turlubia. What are you doing here? Why have you been Bernard, my husband, for the last twenty years?

BERNARD

I’ve been doing research. I was sent here to study you humans and your planet to help determine if Tulurbia will invade and take over or leave you alone.

PHYLLIS

And the verdict?

BERNARD

This is where human arrogance has worked in your favor. Your species has messed up the eco-system so badly with pollution and global warming that we don’t want it. It stinks. Your species will kill itself off in less than ten years.

PHYLLIS

You’re serious about this.

BERNARD

I am, Phyllis. But I wanted you to know, because, well, you were always more than just a research project for me. I love you.

PHYLLIS

Bernard… What’s your Turlubian name?

BERNARD

Bernard.

PHYLLIS

Oh. …Bernard, take me with you. If my species is going to die, take me with you. We can live on your planet.

BERNARD

Yeah, well, fine in theory. You know how your species has such an intense disregard for the environment? My species is the same way when it comes to racism. You would be taken away from me and forced into slavery.

PHYLLIS

But you pass for human. I could pass for Turlubian.

BERNARD

They would smell the difference. This isn’t Axe Body Spray. It’s my natural pheromones. And Turlubian women have their own distinct aroma. Much like spoiled milk, coffee and lemons.

PHYLLIS

Ew. That’s why they always hated your special orders at Starbucks.

BERNARD

They would probably make you one of the royal foot massagers. And the prince has a reputation for foot odor and bunions. It’s not pretty and I could not live knowing that you’ll die rubbing someone else’s feet.

PHYLLIS

But you’re fine with me dying here.

BERNARD

My wife is.

PHYLLIS

Your wife?

BERNARD

Did I not mention that? I’m married on my planet. How’s your eggplant?

PHYLLIS

I’m not so hungry any more. Please get to the part where you say “Just kidding!” That this is all a bad joke.

BERNARD

I wish I could. Phyllis (He picks her up from the chair.) Phyllis. Please let me just hold you one last time. (They hug. Noreen, a tall, David Bowie Ziggy Stardust-looking Amazon woman in a similar jumpsuit to Bernard’s stands in the doorway and clears her throat. Phyllis and Bernard separate) Noreen!

NOREEN

It’s time to go, Bernard.

BERNARD

Women are also the dominant gender on our planet.

NOREEN

Now!

BERNARD

Yes, dear!

(He quickly runs off but gives Phyllis a quick wave from behind Noreen who, to discipline him, stomps on his foot without looking. He yelps and exits. Noreen walks and stands face-to-face to Phyllis. They sniff each other and are both repulsed by what they smell.)

NOREEN

Keep your stinky planet.

(She starts to exits.)

PHYLLIS

Oh, yeah? Well, you have big, floppy feet!

NOREEN

Thank you.

(She exits. Phyllis sits and sadly takes another bite of eggplant.)

PHYLLIS

Damn, this is good.

(Blackout)

Week 26, Day 176 - "Sunburn"

“Sunburn”
Written by Joe Janes
7/13/09
176 of 365

CAST:
Kyle, 30s
Nucci, 40s
Ray, 40s
Brenda, 30s
Matthew, 30s

(Lights up on a bowling team getting ready to bowl. Nucci and Matthew are putting on their shoes. Brenda is setting up the scoring. Ray is warming up with his bowling ball. Kyle enters.)

NUCCI

Hey, Kyle’s back!

KYLE

Hey, Tiny Pin Drops!

MATTHEW

How was the paid vacation?

KYLE

Two weeks of drinking pina coladas and lying in the sun. It was amazing. Got a sunburn on my back for a trophy, but I can live with that.

RAY

Hey, did you get laid?

KYLE

Only by your mom.

NUCCI

Oh, man.

KYLE

And she was sweet. Especially when she took out her teeth.

(Ray starts crying.)

KYLE

Hey, Ray, it was just a joke. I was just kidding. Your mom didn't really blow me.

BRENDA

Kyle. Ray’s mother passed away last week.

KYLE

Oh, shit. I didn’t know. Ray. I’m sorry. I didn’t know.

RAY

Yeah, yeah. Um. It’s okay, Kyle. You didn’t know. Um. Look, guys. I’m going to go home. I just don’t feel like bowling, right now.

(Ray quickly exits.)

KYLE

I didn’t know.

MATTHEW

How could you? Not like we’re going to call you on the beach just to tell you Ray’s mom died. He’ll be okay.

KYLE

Wow.

NUCCI

I’m still up for bowling.

KYLE

Trying to get as many of those free nights in before you and Melinda tie the knot.

NUCCI (suddenly looking very solemn)

Melinda gave me the ring back. Happened a few days ago.

KYLE

I didn’t know, Nucci. That really sucks.

NUCCI

Yeah. She broke up with me at Ray’s mother’s funeral. Said it was a real eye opener for her. Didn’t see the point in spending the rest of her life with someone like me.

KYLE

That’s awful.

NUCCI

Um. Yeah.

KYLE

What a bitch.

NUCCI

I still love her. Hey, guys. That reminds me. I have to go home and burn some of the clothes she left behind and then mail them to her. I have to go.

(Nucci exits.)

KYLE

Jesus, I didn’t know. Look, is there anything else you two need to tell me? Tell me now before I show up at work tomorrow and you all give me the Asshole Co-Worker of the Year award.

BRENDA (tearing up)

Um. When you show up, I won’t be there. They laid me off. Yesterday. No severance pay. No more insurance for me and the baby. I- I don’t know what I’m going to do. Nobody’s hiring. I – I – I better go.

(Brenda quickly leaves. Matthew sits down next to Kyle.)

KYLE

Wow. I didn’t know. I guess I really messed up our bowling night.

MATTHEW

You sure did.

(Matthew slaps Kyle on the back.)

KYLE

Ow! I have a sunburn.

MATTHEW

I know.

(Blackout)