Week 37, Day 259 - "Give A Little"

“Give A Little”

Written by Joe Janes

10/4/09

259 of 365

CAST

Andrew, 30s

Whit, 30s

David. 30s

Alice, 30s

Anthony, 30s

(This is a silent scene done to light upbeat instrumental music. Lights up on Andrew, casually dressed, walking down the street. He sees Anthony sucking on a soda with a burger in his hand. Whit, a homeless guy, approaches Anthony with is hand out. Anthony hands Whit the soda which Whit discovers is empty. Anthony laughs, flips off Whit and walks off. Whit throws the soda cup down on the ground. Andrew walks up to Whit. He reaches into his pocket and hands an appreciative Whit a quarter. Whit exits. Andrew continues and encounters David, another homeless man, but more poorly dressed. David has his hand out. Andrew reaches into his pockets, but comes up empty. He pulls out his wallet and hands David a one-dollar bill. An appreciative David shakes Andrews hand in thanks and exits. Andrew continues and encounters Alice, a very homeless person seated on the sidewalk with a cardboard sign that says please help. Andrew pats his pockets as if to say “sorry.” He pulls out his wallet and shows her that it is empty. She reaches into the wallet and pulls out a credit card. She moves her sign and reveals a small machine she uses to scan the credit card. She does it again. There’s clearly something wrong. She tries it one more time. She shakes her head at Andrew. She takes a pair of scissors out of her pockets and cuts up the card in front of Andrew. Alice shoos him away. Andrew walks off. He sees the soda cup on the ground and picks it up. He uses it to start begging for change. Whit comes out eating a burger and drinking a soda. He sees Andrew. Andrew holds his cup out to him. Whit takes a big bite out of his burger and stuffs the remaining sandwich into Andrew’s cup. Whit walks off. Andrew starts picking at the sandwich and eating it. Lights fade,)

Week 37, Day 258 - "Come Again, Again"

“Come Again, Again”

Written by Joe Janes

10/3/09

258 of 365

CAST

Juanita, 60

Merle, 40

Zak, 80

Felicia, 20

Nadia, 30

Jesus, 33

(Everyone except Jesus is huddled downstage looking out at an image on a wall. They are enraptured. Upstage, Jesus, in robes and sandals, walks across from stage right to stage left. Before clearing the stage, he stops when he hears this…)

JUANITA

It’s a miracle.

MERLE

It’s a sign from God almighty.

ZAK

I’m going to pray for it to heal my erectile dysfunction.

(He starts praying.)

FELICIA

It looks just like him…from this angle.

NADIA

It fills me with hope. It means Jesus is looking out for us.

(Jesus is a little annoyed by hearing this, He comes up through the center or the crowd to see what they are looking at.)

JESUS

What am I looking at?

JUANITA

It’s the image of our savior.

JESUS

I’m not seeing it.

MERLE (demonstrating)

Soft eyes, soft eyes…

JESUS (using soft eyes)

…Okay…I think I see it…what’s it made out of?

ZAK

Bird poop.

JESUS

What?

ZAK

Several pounds of bird poop. See, the pigeons roost up there under the overpass. They poop and it dribbles down the side. After all these years, it’s formed into this heavenly apparition.

FELICIA

It’s truly a miracle. I once saw the bird poop cry.

NADIA

A sign that in these dark, desperate times, our shepherd is here to save us. To protect us. I feel so blessed.

(Jesus looks at the image more intently. Then shrugs.)

JESUS

Looks like Elvis.

(He exits as the rest look at the image differently and with sadness and disappointment. Lights fade.)

Week 37, Day 257 - "Come Again"

“Come Again”

Written by Joe Janes

10/2/09

257 of 365

CAST:

Father Ritchie, 40s

Donna, 20s

Jesus, 33

(Lights up on Father Ritchie pacing around his church’s lobby. Donna enters carrying a box.)

DONNA

Father Ritchie. I brought everything you asked me to bring.

FATHER

Oh, thank you, Donna. Thank you.

DONNA

What’s the big occasion?

FATHER

Donna, he’s coming.

DONNA

Tom Cruise?

FATHER

No. Jesus. Jesus is coming.

DONNA

Father Ritchie, that’s just a bumper sticker we give out at Sunday coffee.

FATHER

No, Donna. I had a vision. He came to me during the night. My room filled with light and this figure of a holy man came down from the heavens and stood before me.

DONNA

What did he say?

FATHER

Hi. I’m Jesus. I’m coming back. He was very to the point.

DONNA

Wow. That’s amazing. Did he give any more details?

FATHER

He did. He said how’s 10am in the church foyer?

DONNA

Jesus used the word “foyer”? He’s so wise. What did you say?

FATHER

It’s a Thursday. I’m free all day. And then he floated away.

DONNA

It’s almost 10. I’m going to meet Jesus.

FATHER

Yes, Donna. We both are. Live and in the flesh.

DONNA

Why me? Out of all the people in the world, Father Ritchie, why me? Why was I chosen?

FATHER

Oh, it’s a Thursday morning. You work nights at a 711. I knew you were available.

DONNA

My lack of ambition has finally worked in my favor.

(Jesus enters dressed in standard savior garb, robe and sandals.)

JESUS

Father Ritchie.

FATHER (kneeling)

Jesus Christ, my Lord.

(Donna kneels, too.)

JESUS

You really don’t need to do that. Please get up. Really, please.

(They do so and stand for an awkward moment.)

FATHER

So…welcome back. What brings you here?

JESUS

Well, I have big plans, Father Ritchie. My father and I have a message of peace and understanding-

FATHER

Oh! We got you a few things.

JESUS

Not really necessary.

FATHER

Oh, but it’s our pleasure. Good pleasure. Not pleasure pleasure. Donna, the box. (Donna brings the box over.)

DONNA

I’m Donna. But you probably already knew that.

JESUS

Actually, I didn’t. Nice to meet you.

FATHER

I had Donna stop by the church gift shop and pick up a few things-

DONNA

I thought you knew everything.

JESUS

That’s my dad. I’m just smart.

FATHER

We got you one of our finest Bibles.

(Father hands him a Bible.)

JESUS

One of your finest. There’s more than one.

FATHER

Oh, hundreds. This one is written in modern vernacular so everyone can enjoy it.

(Jesus flips through it.)

JESUS

Nice binding. (Reads) “Iron Box Mary.”

FATHER

Slang for “virgin.”

JESUS

My mother was a virgin? I don’t think that’s accurate. Doesn’t make much sense.

DONNA

Haven’t you read the Bible?

JESUS

Just the Old Testament. Of course, back then; we just called it The Testament. Anyway, my plan is to spread the word of God to all corners of the world-

FATHER (handing it to Jesus)

And we got you the Lord’s Prayer pressed into a penny.

JESUS

Oh, look at that. You mutilated a coin in honor of Christianity. I can get behind that.

DONNA

This way, you can keep the Lord’s Prayer with you at all times.

JESUS

I already do.

DONNA

You mean in your heart.

JESUS

I mean up here. (Points to his head) It’s pretty easy to memorize. Just don’t ask me the Ten Commandments. I always blank out on one or two.

FATHER

Me, too!

DONNA

I’m that way with the seven dwarves.

JESUS

So, Father Ritchie, and Donna, you two are the start of my plan. You represent my flock. I was gone for a while. Haven’t really been paying much attention, either. I’m ready to come back. But I will need trustworthy disciples-

FATHER

Oh, there’s one more gift. You can put it on your wall-

JESUS

I don’t have a wall-

FATHER (pulling it out of the box)

It’s a crucifix-

JESUS

What the fuck! Are you a fucking lunatic! Get that thing away from me!

FATHER

But, look, it’s you. Right there!

DONNA

Jesus is a vampire.

JESUS

I’m not a vampire. That was the worst day of my life! What makes you think Id want to relive that?

DONNA

But you died for our sins.

JESUS

I didn’t have a choice. That thing is sick. You people are sick. You people put that up on your walls?

FATHER

We have a huge one over the altar. (He points. Jesus notices.)

JESUS

Me nailed to a cross bleeding is above your altar? You guys working for Satan?

DONNA

We drink your blood and eat your flesh.

JESUS

And you called me a vampire. Fucking cannibals. Are you all like this?

FATHER

Well, just the Christians. The Jews don’t do that. They don’t believe in you.

JESUS

Great. You guys treat me like some Halloween party decoration and the Jews think I’m Santa Claus. Screw it. I’m outta here. (He looks up as he exits) I tried, Dad. I tried. Nice work.

(He throws the Bible at them and exits. Father Ritchie considers the crucifix.)

FATHER

This thing is a bit hideous.

DONNA

I don’t know. I think he has nice hips.

(Blackout)

Week 37, Day 256 - "Des Moines"

“Des Moines”

Written by Joe Janes

10/01/09

255 of 365

CAST:

Kevin, 40s

(Lights up on a microphone and stand far stage left with a spotlight on it. We hear the sound of restless arena-sized crowd. Kevin, a man trying very hard not to be pudgy, but failing miserably comes out in a too tight t-shirt for Q-103.75. “Home of the Marmoset.” He carries a small inflated beach ball. He tosses it out to the crowd.)

KEVIN

Are you ready to rock?... I said, are you ready to rock, Des Moines? This is Kevin Budake (boo-dacky) from Q-103.75, Home of the Marmoset. (We hear people “boo”) That’s right, Budake. I came here to Chick-Fil-A Arena to rock! Did you come here to rock? Good. Because there will be rock. And roll. There will also be rolling. We will leave here tonight having resoundingly, without question, rocked and rolled. Thunder Cheek will be out in just a minute. Before they do, the managers at the station and our sponsor, Spaghetti Warehouse and Self-Storage, wanted me to take the time to apologize for something I said on the air this morning. Sheila K., the news chick and I were doing some witty banter about the economy. Uh, let me just say that it was an accident. It wasn’t intentional. When I called Sheila a Jew, I was just joking. I didn’t know that she was really a Jew and would, therefore, find being called a Jew offensive. “K.” apparently stands for Kleinheimerstein. She probably would have found it funny if she weren’t a Jew. I find it quite hilarious when people call me a Jew. Call ne a Jew and I will giggle. Because I am not one. I’m really surprised Sheila’s a Jew. This is Des Moines. She’s probably the only one. Along with her family. And all those people that go to that synagogue building that I thought was for Mormons. So, boy, do I have matzo on my face. (With a Jewish accent) Oy vay, am I sorry or what? So, Sheila, I hope you accept my apology and I see you back at the station tomorrow, unless, it’s of course, some holiday I don’t know about. In which case, I’ll see you the next Jewish workday. (He looks offstage with a questioning look) Now, it’s time for Thunder Cheek…? (He looks offstage and shakes his head questioningly) Okay. One more thing. Now, when I tried to apologize on the air to Sheila by saying I was just monkeying around, I mean, come on. It was really harmless. I didn’t mean anything by that even though I am fully aware of Sheila’s African-American heritage, of which she should really, really be proud. And, hey, we’re Home of the Marmoset – a monkey. No one’s ever complained about that. Well, actually, I have. Who the hell’s ever heard of a marmoset? Particularly, a marmoset that rocks. Besides, I said I was the monkey, not Sheila. Curious George always-getting-into-trouble kind of monkeying around. Not that any of this is about anyone’s skin color, but because of Sheila’s particular pigmentation, I really didn’t expect her to be African American and Jewish American, too. Some people have accused me of being a racist and that hurts. It couldn’t be further from the truth. If you knew me, you would know better. I voted for Obama. A black man and a Muslim, which is like a Jew. So, I’m sorry, really, really sorry, if anyone was offended by my poor choice of words this morning. We cool? We cool? (He looks off stage pleadingly) We cool. Now, here all the way from San Francisco, the world’s first all-Asian heavy metal band, Thunder Chink…. Oh, shit.

(Blackout)

Week 37, Day 255 - "Lighthouse Hill"

“Lighthouse Hill”

Written by Joe Janes

9/30/09

255 of 365

CAST

Caleb, 50s

Edward, 20s

(Lights up on Caleb in his lighthouse keeper uniform, similar to a train conductor’s outfit. He stands at the level below the lantern of a Maine lighthouse looking out over the rail. He is a stout, proud man. He hears sea gulls and watches a flock of them fly across the shore. We hear footsteps climbing up an iron staircase behind him. We hear a metal can full of liquid drop on the stairs and clunkety-clunk their way down.)

EDWARD (offstage and retreating downstairs)

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck-

CALEB

Language!

EDWARD (from farther off)

Shoot, shoot, shoot, shoot, shoot.

(Edward has retrieved the heavy full metal fuel oil can and quickly runs back up the stairs and out onto the landing with Caleb. He is completely out of breath. Caleb takes a watch out of his pocket and checks the time. He then removes a slim ledger from his breast pocket and makes a note.)

EDWARD

Mother is expecting you for supper.

CALEB

We’ll see.

EDWARD

I can take over your watch.

(Caleb clearly does not like this idea.)

EDWARD (continuing)

It’s clear. No clouds. (Caleb points off.) Barely a cloud. Light wind. Beautiful day. Nothing could happen.

(Caleb continues looking out at the sea.)

EDWARD (Continuing)

You’d let Tobias.

CALEB

Tobias isn’t here. And, furthermore, I would not. Not anymore. Neither you nor your brother knows what a lighthouse means to a ship out at sea.

EDWARD

Sure, I do. It means, “Hey, look… a lighthouse.”

(Caleb looks disappointed.)

EDWARD (continuing)

What does it mean, Father?

CALEB

Put yourself in the shoes of that sea captain out there.

EDWARD

Where?

CALEB

Follow my arm. (He points out.) See that small glimmer on the horizon? That’s a freighter. Imagine you’ve been crossing the Atlantic for months. Nothing to see but waves and water for miles for days, for weeks. He’s at the wheel and sees us. What do you think is going through his mind, right now?

EDWARD

“Hooray”?

CALEB

“Safe.” Safe at last. Untethered at sea. No land in sight. We could be lost. We may never get home. This lighthouse is a visual life preserver. It means he’s almost home. Safe, at home. All because we’re standing here. I’m standing here. Always here. Always safe. They depend on the lighthouse. They depend on me. The lighthouse depends on me. Dependable. Safe. Like my father before me and my father’s father.

(Edward stands at the rail, emulating his father’s proud stance.)

EDWARD

Tobias will feel the same way when he comes home.

CALEB

I told him not to bother ever coming home.

EDWARD

No, you didn’t. You didn’t speak to him for several days before he left.

CALEB

He knows. He knows.

EDWARD

He’ll come home. Eventually. And he’ll expect to see you standing here. And it will make him feel safe.

(Caleb is silent.)

EDWARD (continuing)

He spoke to me just before he left. He told me to take care of you. Bring you fuel for the lantern. Bring you plates of food. Make sure you rested. “Take care of the lighthouse keeper, he said.” Didn’t even call you dad. Take care of the lighthouse keeper.

(Caleb is still silent.)

EDWARD (continuing)

Soldiers come home on ships, too, don’t they?

CALEB

I suppose.

EDWARD

Mother made you supper. Fried chicken. Scalloped potatoes. Green beans. All your favorites.

CALEB

You could have brought me a plate.

EDWARD

Mother was hoping you’d sit at the table with her.

(Caleb looks up at the sky.)

EDWARD (continuing)

I can refill the lantern.

(Caleb looks at him with disbelief.)

EDWARD (continuing)

No spills. No fires. Other than the lantern. I’ll even trim the wick. And I’ll stand here. After I do all the other stuff. I’ll stand here just like you and let the ships know they are safe.

(Caleb considers this.)

EDWARD (continuing)

And I will only use the foghorn if there is fog. It is not a plaything.

(Caleb sees potential in his son. He hands Edward his pocket watch. Edward takes it, smiling. Caleb also hands Edward his ledger and pen. Edward graciously accepts it. Caleb puts his hand on Edward’s shoulder.)

CALEB

You’ll make a fine lighthouse keeper, Son.

(Edward is moved and speechless. He hugs his dad. It’s a little too much for Caleb. He pries himself away, gives Edward a nod and exits down the stairs. Edward looks out over the sea. He looks happy and proud. He puts his hands on the railing and accidentally drops the pocket watch, ledger and pen.)

EDWARD

Fuck.

(Blackout.)

Week 37, Day 254 - "The Last Unicorn"

“The Last Unicorn”

Written by Joe Janes

9/29/09

254 of 365

CAST

Caitlin, 6

Barbara, 30s

Beau, 30s

Unicorn

(Lights up on the Beagle family singing happy birthday to six-year-old Caitlin Beagle. Caitlin makes a wish and blows out the candles on her cake. Everyone cheers. Beau hands her a present.)

BEAU

I bet I know what my little princess wished for.

CAITLIN

Is it in there?

BEAU

Better open it and find out.

(She opens it and pulls out a small stuffed unicorn. She looks disappointed.)

BARBARA

What’s the matter, Caitlin? I thought you wanted a unicorn.

CAITLIN

I wanted a real unicorn.

BARBARA

Honey, unicorns aren’t real.

CAITLIN

Daddy said they were.

BARABRA

Beau.

BEAU

I told her I’d look into it. And I did, princess. Daddy looked into getting you a real unicorn.

BARBARA (through her teeth)

After all the bullshit we went through with the Tooth Fairy, how could you do this? (To Caitlin) Honey, you remember the conversation we had about the tooth fairy?

CAITLIN

Yes, Mommy.

BARBARA

And about Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and grandpa’s good friend Jack Daniels.

CAITLIN

None of them are real, but Daddy said he’d get me a unicorn. A for real one.

BARBARA

Daddy sometimes says things he doesn’t mean because he loves you so much.

BEAU

Barbara…I found one. I did. A guy at work knew a guy who knew a guy who put a used one up on Craig’s List.

CAITLIN

You got me one, Daddy?

BEAU

Yes, sweetheart. But, I’m going to take it back. It’s real sick or something.

BARBARA

Beau, we need to tell her the truth. Like we said we would do.

BEAU

It’s the truth, Barbara. I swear. This thing’s real, but, man, there’s something wrong.

CAITLIN

I want to see my unicorn.

BEAU

I’ll go get it. It’s in the garage. But, Caitlin, sweetie, really, don’t get attached. We’re going to take it back.

(He exits.)

BARBARA

I don’t know what daddy’s pulling here, Caitlin.

CAITLIN

He said he would get me a unicorn and he did. I love my daddy. Don’t you love Daddy, Mommy?

BARBARA

Sometimes. (She catches herself) And by that I mean all the time, yeah!

(Beau re-enters holding a reign.)

BEAU

Okay, Caitlin. Now, don’t get too close. Like I said, there’s something wrong with it. It’s sick or something.

(Beau walks the unicorn in. It is the most un-unicorn looking man in a white wig, dirty white leotard and tights with a horn and tail. It is a unicorn, but, man, it is not pretty.)

CAITLIN

Yeah!

BARBARA

What the hell?

BEAU

Don’t get too close, Caitlin.

(The unicorn looks around. It looks like a strung out drug addict.)

CAITLIN

I’m going to give it a great big hug!

(Caitlin runs up to him and hugs him. The unicorn coughs.)

BEAU

Okay, okay, but be careful. Don’t squeeze too hard. Stuff comes out of it.

BARBARA

Like what? Oh, dear God. (While Caitlin is enjoying her hug, Barbara and Beau catch wind of some noxious unicorn gas.)

BEAU

You see. He’s sick. It’s a bad, smelly, goopy unicorn.

BARBARA

You should take him to the vet’s.

BEAU

I did. He told me there’s nothing he can do. It’s one old, sick dying unicorn. But it’s the only one I could find. The guy I bought it from said he was taking good care of it. Feeding it oats and hay.

CAITLIN

That’s silly. Unicorns don’t eat oats and hay.

BEAU

What do unicorns eat, Caitlin?

CAITLIN

Marshmallows and rainbows.

(The unicorn perks up when he hears this.)

CAITLIN

See. He likes it. I’m going to call him Abraham Lincoln.

BEAU

I’ll go get some marshmallows.

(He exits. Caitlin continues to hug the sickly unicorn who spits up on the carpet.)

BARBARA

Honey, make sure you wash your hands. (The unicorn starts licking Caitlin’s head.) And your skull.

(Beau rushes back in and puts a bag of marshmallows up to the unicorn who starts to enthusiastically eat them like oats from a feedbag.)

CAITLIN

You see, you see. He’s all better. Can we keep him? Can we keep him?

BARBARA

I guess. But he’ll have to stay in the garage. (To Beau) She does seem happy.

BEAU

Yeah. For now. The vet told me something else. He has unicorn aids.

CAITLIN (hugging the unicorn)

I love you, Abraham Lincoln!

BARBARA

We’ll put him down tomorrow.

BEAU

And tell Caitlin he went to stay on a big farm?

(They do a small fist bump while watching Caitlin enjoys her unicorn. The unicorn coughs up a little blood. Lights fade.)

Week 37, Day 253 - "Elaborate"

“Elaborate”

Written by Joe Janes

9/28/09

253 of 365

CAST

Andrew, 50s

Sarah, 40s

Charlie, 40s

Tracey, 20s

Tina, 20s

Wendell, 60s

(Lights up on a conference room. Andrew, Sarah, and Charlie all look anxious. Charlie looks at his watch and then at the others. Tina enters and stands at attention.)

TINA

Chief Executive Officer, Wendell Lonsdale.

(Tracey walks in spreading rose petals on the floor. She stands on the other side of the room. Wendell enters. He wears a typical business suit, except that his sports coat is over his shoulders, like an overcoat or robe. He looks at Andrew, Sarah and Charlie and clears his throat. They quickly stand. Wendell walks over to the table. Sarah holds out his chair for him. He sits. On his cue, the other three sit back down.)

ANDREW

Wendell, we have some important-

(Wendell holds up his hand to stop him.)

WENDELL

I am parched.

(He snaps his fingers. Tracey and Tina move into action as Wendell leans back and opens his mouth. Tina takes a small bottle of Perrier and pours a small amount into Wendell’s mouth. Tracey squeezes a small piece of lime over it. Tina then wipes Wendell’s mouth. Wendell snaps his fingers again and Tina and Tracey go back to their spots. Wendell waves his hand as if to tell Andrew to go.)

ANDREW

We’re running dangerously in the red. We need to make severe cuts or our company will be belly up by the end of the year.

WENDELL

I see. We have to respond appropriately to the times. We need to tighten our belts. Make sacrifices. Let’s lay off 30,000 workers. Cut executive salaries by 20%. And no more free candy on the receptionist’s desk.

SARAH

That’s all good, sir. But it still may not be enough.

CHARLIE

Sir, with all due respect. You’re going on a trip next week to South America. Thirty days with your two assistants.

WENDELL

That’s a business trip. We’re sampling various coffees around that continent to find the best one for our employee break rooms. It’s about quality and finding the best for our employees. It’s an investment in people.

CHARLIE

And it’s going to cost the company $100,000. Hard to justify when we’re making all these cuts. That could be the salary of two or three workers.

WENDELL

What’s your salary?

CHARLIE

$125,000.

WENDELL

You’re fired. There just saved one worker’s job and I still get to go on my coffee expedition. (He stretches) Oh, I’m exhausted. Well, time for my four o’clock champagne enema. If you need me to make more tough cost-cutting decisions, I’ll be in my helicopter RV.

(He exits followed quickly by Tina and Tracey. Charlie starts crying. Sarah hands him a tissue, but Andrew stops her.)

ANDREW

Those cost money.

(She stuffs it back in the tissue box. Lights fade.)