Week 51, Day 357 - "Smooth Sailing"

“Smooth Sailing”

Written by Joe Janes

1/10/10

357 of 356

Cast:

Gretchen, 20s

Tyler, 20s

Steffen, 20s

Crew Member, 50s

(Lights up on the stylishly and sportily dressed Tyler and Gretchen in the worlds smallest sailboat. Gretchen is at the bow and Tyler is at the stern operating the rudder and controlling the main sail. )

TYLER

Duck.

(Gretchen ducks as Tyler repositions the sail.)

GRETCHEN

Such a lovely day.

TYLER

Yes, it is, Gretchen. The weather is cooperating nicely. A wonderful opportunity to show you what the “Tyler’s Piece of Pi” can really do on the open sea.

GRETCHEN

It’s Lake Erie.

TYLER

Duck.

(She ducks as the sail shifts over her.)

GRETCHEN

Did you spell pi p-i for some mathematical reason?

TYLER (looking at the bow of his boat)

No. I ran out of room for the “e.”

GRETCHEN (waving)

Oh, look, there’s Steffen and his yacht.

TYLER

Humpf. A real sailor would actually sail his own boat. Not shout commands to a crew from the safety of his steering wheel while sipping a mojito. Wake!

(For a few moments, their boat rocks dramatically until it settles.)

GRETCHEN

I think I might be sick.

TYLER

Take deep breaths. And aim for the water.

GRETCHEN

I have to. There’s not enough room in here for my vomit.

(She takes deep breaths.)

TYLER

Feel better, Love?

GRETCHEN

Yes. I feel better. Tyler, when you told me you had a boat, I thought you meant something else.

TYLER

Something else? This is a boat.

GRETCHEN

I thought it was a dinghy. But it isn’t, is it? This is your boat.

TYLER

Why, yes, Gretchen. I inherited this vessel from my father who got it from his father. “Tyler’s Piece of Pi” is a family treasure.

GRETCHEN

When you said you had a boat, I thought you meant a yacht, like Steffen’s.

TYLER

Oh, I see. You’re disappointed.

GRETCHEN

A little. I wanted to lie out on the deck in the sun.

TYLER

You can still lie out.

GRETCHEN

I would have to straddle the mast and hook my ankles over your shoulders.

TYLER

I am all right with that.

GRETCHEN

Could we just head back to shore? I’m not feeling so well.

TYLER

Fine. Sure thing. Duck.

(She ducks.)

GRETCHEN

We’re not turning.

TYLER

Gretchen, this is a sailing ship. She takes time. She’s in a dance with the wind and my commands. She’ll turn when she’s ready. Oh, crap, here comes Steffen, again. Wake.

(The boat rocks dramatically as Steffen, in a much larger boat, pulls up along side Tyler boat.)

STEFFEN

Ahoy! Are you two lovebirds in distress?

TYLER

No, Steffen, we’re not in distress.

STEFFEN

Oh. I just assumed your ship sank and this was some kind of life preserver.

TYLER

Well, it isn’t. This is “Tyler’s Piece of Pi.” My sailboat.

(Steffen laughs.)

STEFFEN

You had me going. Seriously, come on board and we’ll take you to shore.

GRETCHEN

We should go, Tyler. It will take us forever to get back in this thing.

TYLER

A captain does not abandon his ship.

STEFFEN

Bring it with you, then. There’s plenty of room. Or let us throw you a line and we can tow you in. Here you go, Gretchen!

(Steffen snaps his fingers and a crewmember tosses her a line. She grabs it and wraps it around a hook in the bow of the boat.)

GRETCHEN

Thanks, Steffen.

STEFFEN

No problem, Sugar Buns. See you back at shore.

(Steffen and his large boat pull away. The rope tightens as they feel the pull of the boat. She and Tyler are now being pulled. Tyler takes down the sail.)

TYLER

Well, this is completely and utterly humiliating.

GRETCHEN

It wouldn’t be so humiliating if you had a bigger boat.

TYLER

I have what I have, Gretchen. If it’s not good enough for you-

GRETCHEN

It’s not.

TYLER

Then you can just- it’s not?

GRETCHEN

No. It’s not. You’re not. Look, Tyler, I gave it a shot. I don’t see this working out at all. If you want someone who will be happy with you, find someone who is one – smaller and two- more easily impressed.

TYLER

Oh. You’d rather be with Steffen.

GRETCHEN

Steffen’s a douche, but I like his boat. I’m willing to make compromises.

TYLER

You know, you’re not such a great catch, either Gretchen. You’re shallow and wear too many smelly products. It’s like a Mary Kaye suicide bomber exploded in your jumper.

GRETCHEN

I’ll be out of your mullet soon enough.

TYLER

I can’t wait. If you want a ride on Steffen’s boat, you’ll have to swim after it.

(Tyler cuts the rope.)

GRETCHEN

Dammit, Tyler. (She jumps overboard and swims off.) Steffen! Steffen!

(Tyler walks forward and addresses the audience.)

TYLER

I shouldn’t have doe that. No matter how I felt. It was an unsafe thing to do.

(Steffen walks out and addresses the audience.)

STEFFEN

Gretchen never made it to my boat.

TYLER

She was swallowed by a whale.

STEFFEN

In Lake Erie.

TYLER

A rare fresh water whale.

STEFFEN

Which also ate Tyler’s boat.

TYLER

But not me. I jumped out in time and caught a lift from Steffen.

(They hold hands. Lights go down on them and up on Gretchen inside the boat inside the whale’s stomach.)

GRETCHEN

This whale is way too small.

(Blackout.)

Week 51, Day 356 - "Rate of Decay"

“Rate of Decay”

Written by Joe Janes

1/9/10

356 of 365

Cast:

Man, 30s

Woman, 30s

(Lights up on a man and woman standing downstage, seeming to be looking if full length mirrors. They are checking out how they look. It starts with adjusting bits of their clothing and moves to inspecting things like love handles, eye bags, jowls, etc.)

MAN

I think I’m getting older.

WOMAN

You look great. I’m the one getting older.

MAN

You look great. What’s age anyway?

WOMAN

Just a number. You’re only as old as you feel,

MAN

Shouldn’t worry about getting older. Life begins at forty.

WOMAN

That’s what all the old people tell me.

MAN

We really shouldn’t worry about it.

WOMAN

Worrying about it will only make us older.

MAN

Hey, looks go out to dinner.

WOMAN

It’s only four o’clock.

MAN

I know, but I’m hungry.

WOMAN

Me, too. Oh, and they have a two-for-one early bird special at Vinnie’s Italiano.

(They look at each other with great concern, they turn to the mirrors and look at them once more, they look back at each other.)

MAN

I can’t pass up a deal like that.

WOMAN

I’ll go put on my fat pants.

(Blackout.)

Week 51, Day 355 - "Footprints"

“Footprints”

Written by Joe Janes

1/8/10

355 of 365

Cast:

Jesus, 30s

Clarence, 30s

(In the dark we hear the sounds of ocean waves. Lights come up on Clarence, a heavyset man, standing along the shore, looking around in wonder.)

CLARENCE

Where am I?

(Jesus enters.)

JESUS

Hello, Clarence.

CLARENCE

Jesus?

JESUS

Yes, Clarence.

CLARENCE

I’m in heaven.

JESUS

You are.

CLARENCE

What are these footprints in the sand?

JESUS

They represent the path you took during your life.

CLARENCE

There are two sets of footprints.

JESUS

Because I walked beside you, my son.

CLARENCE

What are the smaller prints?

JESUS

Oh. I have a dog. Levi. He likes to walk along with me. Play in the water. He’s a real scamp. Cute little jack Russell terrier.

CLARENCE

Oh, they’re smart.

JESUS

They really are. But watch your step. He is a poop machine.

CLARENCE

Jesus, what’s this over here? There’s only one set of footprints. Did you abandon me?

JESUS

No, Clarence. That was one of the lowest points in your life. You were unemployed, deep in debt, overeating, chronically masturbating-

CLARENCE

Yes. I-I remember.

JESUS

That’s when I carried you.

CLARENCE

Oh. I see. What’s this big mess over here?

JESUS

That’s where I dropped you. You…are fat. And goopy. Hard to keep a grip. Sorry. Just being honest.

CLARENCE

Yeah. Okay. Sure. Did you hurt yourself?

JESUS

Pulled a groin muscle. Hurt like hell. Three days in hell.

CLARENCE

Oh.

JESUS

I was making a joke. It still hurt. Acts up every now and again.

CLARENCE

I’m really sorry.

JESUS

What are you gonna to do? No good deed goes unpunished, right?

(Pause)

JESUS

Well, welcome to heaven. Mind the poop. (He walks off) Levi! (whistles) Levi!

(Clarence looks at the bottom of his shoe as lights fade.)

Week 51, Day 354 - "Our Man In Accounting"

“Our Man In Accounting”

Written by Joe Janes

1/7/10

354 of 365

Cast:

Garin, 20s

Becky, 30s

Jeremy, 20s

Chrissy, 20s

J. Ben, 20s

Mr. Day, 40s

(Lights up on four office chairs. Garin sits at one upstage right; Becky sits at another downstage left. She is working at her computer. Garin is not. He is keeping an eye on Becky. J. Ben is in the back, downstage left, sorting envelopes into files and folders.)

GARIN

Psssst.

(Becky hears him, but doesn’t look. This has happened before.)

GARIN (continuing)

Psssst….Becky.

BECKY (without looking)

You don’t have to do that.

GARIN

Do what?

BECKY

Make that “psssst” sound. We’re the only two here.

GARIN

J. Ben is here.

BECKY

So? He’s just a temp.

J. BEN

I’m really a rapper.

BECKY

You could just say, “Hey, Becky.”

GARIN

Hey, Becky.

BECKY

What?

GARIN

Jeremy has been in Mr. Day’s office for over an hour. Did you hear the rumor going around?

BECKY

Everyone’s heard about Jeremy, Garin.

GARIN

Everyone?

BECKY

J. Ben?

J. BEN

I knew. Uh, (sort of rapping) Like a chunk of news falling down from the sky, I knew Jeremy was getting pink slipped in the … (He makes a face, obviously frustrated, he looks like he’s going to try again, but gives up and goes back to sorting.)

GARIN

How long have you known?

BECKY

Weeks.

GARIN

Really?... Me, too. Saw it coming.

(Jeremy enters, despondent, and takes a seat at his desk upstage left. He has a stapler sticking out of his coat or shirt pocket.)

JEREMY

I have an announcement!

BECKY

There’s only the two of us, here.

JEREMY (standing)

Oh. I see. Well, there’s something I need to tell you. I would appreciate it if you would pass it along to everyone else.

GARIN

Sure thing, Buddy.

JEREMY

Today is my last day.

BECKY

That’s so horrible, Jeremy. And so sudden.

GARIN

You said you knew.

(Chrissy enters with a Diet Coke.)

BECKY

I didn’t, I thought maybe, but I didn’t-

JEREMY

I was so careful. I can’t believe you saw through my cover.

CHRISSY

Knew what?

JEREMY

You may as well hear this, too, Chrissy.

GARIN

Jeremy got fired.

CHRISSY

Duh?

JEREMY

Fired? I did not get fired. Is that what you think? (beat) That may be the cover story, so, if anyone outside this room asks, then, yes, I got fired.

CHRISSY (sitting at her desk.)

You mean you didn’t get canned? I heard you got canned. I want your stapler. Mine sucks.

JEREMY

You may not have my stapler. (He takes it out of his pocket.) It’s government spyware. I use it to take photographs of secret documents. (He points it at Chrissy and “clicks” it.)

CHRISSY (covering her face)

No. I’m not ready.

JEREMY

And I record phone conversations with my Post-It Note dispenser.

GARIN

Explains why you’re so protective of your stuff.

CHRISSY

Your stapler doesn’t staple? I don’t want it, then.

BECKY

Jeremy, I think you’re just upset.

JEREMY

Upset. Becky, I am a spy. I don’t have emotions. I’m a cold-hearted killer. A CIA operative under deep, deep cover. I have just been called in from the cold. I was never here. I’m not here right now.

GARIN

But-

JEREMY

I’m not here.

CHRISSY

We can see you.

J. BEN

Jeremy told the world he was a spy, something… something… lie. (J. Ben looks satisfied at his ability to bust a rhyme.) Someday I will buy my moms a mansion. (He goes back to sorting.)

GARIN

You’re a spy?

JEREMY

That’s right.

GARIN

Hey, everybody. I’m Walker, Texas Ranger.

CHRISSY

You’re not Chuck Norris.

GARIN

That’s right, Chrissy. Chuck Norris is an actor. He portrayed me on television.

CHRISSY

That makes more sense.

J. BEN

I have a loaded gun in my underwear.

BECKY

Is that a metaphor?

J. BEN (Obviously confused by the question)

All I know is it’s real. It gives me edge.

CHRISSY

I’m pretty!

(Awkward pause.)

JEREMY

Any way. I have worked here, undercover, for eight years. As a matter of national security. But in that time, you people have become like family to me.

GARIN

We hardly know you.

JEREMY

Just like family. I felt I owed you the truth. Garin, you’ve always been like a son to me.

GARIN

I think I’m older than you.

JEREMY

Chrissy, you’re like the stepdaughter I never had and always lusted after.

CHRISSY

That’s so sweet.

JEREMY

And Becky, I’ve always regarded you like a second wife.

BECKY

Divorced or Mormon?

JEREMY

Both. Either. And J. Ben’s like the son I never wanted or acknowledged.

(Mr. Day enters.)

MR. DAY

And what about me, Jeremy?

JEREMY

Mr. Day. I guess you’re like my, my-

MR. DAY

Employer who told you to leave the premises immediately?

JEREMY

Yes, Sir.

MR. DAY

Before I call security.

JEREMY

I was just going to pack my stuff.

MR. DAY

We’ll have that guy (points to J. Ben) do it and ship it to you.

JEREMY

Okay. Well, then. Everyone. It has been nice working with you.

(Jeremy starts to leave. He tries to hug a sitting Becky.)

BECKY

Get off me.

JEREMY

Just like a second wife. Good-bye.

MR. DAY

Good-bye, Jeremy.

(Jeremy hands the stapler to J. Ben and walks off. J. Ben starts to clear out Jeremy’s desk.)

J. BEN

There goes Jeremy, he just lost his job, he says he’s a spy but he’s just a slob. (Pleased with himself) Hey!...Hey!

(Everyone goes back to work. Mr. Day takes the stapler out of J. Ben’s hand.)

MR. DAY

I’ll take that.

(Mr. Day takes the stapler and quickly sneaks a pic of Becky and Chrissy as he exits. Garin sees this.)

GARIN (to Becky)

Pssst! Psssst! Pssst!

(Blackout)

Week 51, Day 353 - "Anna.2"

“Anna.2”

Written by Joe Janes

1/6/10

353 of 365

Cast

Rammel, 30s

Anna.2, 30s robot

Anna, 30s

(Lights up on a man on a young Asian man in a dark suit.)

RAMMEL

Good evening ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the unveiling of the latest GoogiTech robot. Over the years, we have made many advances in the technology of lifelike robots designed to be useful as well as aesthetically pleasing. Allow me to introduce to you, Anna.2.

(There’s a shift in lights and we hear some electronic music kick in as we anticipate Anna’s appearance. Rammel apologetically scurries backstage to see what’s going on.)

RAMMEL

Women. Never on time, am I right? She’s coming, ladies and gentlemen. Look. Here she is, now.

(Anna.2, dressed in a sharp business outfit, enters. She walks very slowly in that Japanese robot way – erect posture, legs squatting a bit. She makes her way to center stage. Rammel cues the music to fade out. It does.)

RAMMEL

Anna. Welcome. Say hello to the people.

(Anna looks around slowly and mechanically.)

ANNA.2

Hello. I love you.

RAMMEL

Ahhh. Isn’t she sweet? Anna. Tell the people some of the things you can do.

ANNA.2

I can help around the house. I also dance and play the violin.

RAMMEL

Anna. Why don’t you show us that? I’m sure the people would love to see you dance and play violin. (He encourages the audience to applaud as he hands her a violin and bow.

ANNA.2

It would be my pleasure to do anything you ask me to do, Rammel.

(She begins to play something – obviously recorded – like Bond’s “Senorita.” Rammel gets swept up in this and begins to dance, poorly, with her, devolving into juking on her. Anna, in a similar business suit as Anna.2, steps up onto the stage. She holds out a remote, points it at Anna.2 and clicks it. Anna freezes and the music stops cold. Rammel jukes for a bit more and then comes out of it with great embarrassment.)

ANNA

Having a good time, Rammel?

RAMMEL

Anna! Um…

ANNA

How dare you unveil your prototype without letting me know.

RAMMEL

I sent out an e-mail blast to the whole company. Maybe you should check your junk folder.

ANNA

Maybe you should check your junk folder.

RAMMEL

Ladies and gentlemen of the press. This is Anna Fink. Head of research and development at GoogiTech. (He tries to get everyone to clap for her as Anna walks around Anna.2, checking her out.) Well, what do you think of Anna.2?

ANNA

You disgust me. I told you I wasn’t interested and this is what you do? That shameless grope at the holiday office party still feels like a greasy stain on my soul.

RAMMEL

For me, it was a stain on my heart. A good stain. Like when you stain furniture.

ANNA

I want her dismantled. And I want my violin back. (She tries to take it from Anna.2, who does not release her grip.) Make her let it go.

(Rammel presses a button on Anna.2’s back. She comes back on, but holds tightly to the violin.)

RAMMEL

Anna. Let the violin go.

ANNA.2

I dance and play the violin for Rammel.

ANNA

Not any more.

(The two Anna’s wrestle for it for a second as Bond’s “Explosive” kicks in. Rammel is very excited by the Anna on Anna.2 robot catfight. He starts juking to the music, again, this time on the real Anna. She kicks him off, grabs her remote and turns Anna off, again.)

ANNA

You’re fired.

RAMMEL

No, please. Can’t you see that I did it for you? It’s like a monument to your beauty. And power. Through her, your legacy at GoogiTech will live forever.

(Anna uses the remote to turn Anna.2 back on.)

ANNA

Anna. You dance and play violin and help around the house. Is there anything else you do?

ANNA.2

I also hold Rammel in my arms, as he lies naked in my lap drinking cinnamon schnapps and crying about how lonely he is. I also clean up the resulting spilled fluids.

ANNA

She gets dismantled. I get my violin back. And you walk out the front door escorted by a security guard by 5 o’clock. Sorry, folks. This press conference is over.

(Anna exits.)

RAMMEL

Sorry everybody. There are snacks in the lobby for you. Anna really is a great boss to work for. And Anna.2 is really such a breakthrough… oh, what’s the use?

(Anna.2 puts her arm around Rammel who starts to cry on her shoulder.)

ANNA.2

There, there. I understand. You are brave and handsome. Take off your clothes.

(Rammel looks around for a second and quickly starts to peel off his clothes as lights fade.)

365 in the News!

Hey! The Onion's A.V. Club gives 365 Sketches a shout out as the show to check out on Thursday. Woo-hoo! http://www.avclub.com/chicago/articles/sketchfests-broad-strokes,36438

Apparently, we also featured in Chicago's "Red Eye" as one of five shows to see. I think it's only in the hard copy. I couldn't find it on-line.

Yippeeeeeee!

Week 51, Day 352 - "Hi-Def"

“Hi-Def”

Written by Joe Janes

1/5/10

352 of 365

Cast:

Kevin, 30s

Marcia, 30s

(Lights up on Kevin downstage carefully wiping off what appears to be a large screen with a cloth.)

KEVIN

Marcia! Marcia, come here!

(Marcia enters with a bowl of popcorn.)

MARCIA

What, Kevin.

KEVIN

Look at this. Look how clear it is. And the depth. I can see every detail. I can see dewdrops on the leaves. Look at the pores on that guy’s face. I can almost feel the wind blowing through the trees. This is amazing.

MARCIA

Yep. Amazing. You should clean the windows more often. Let’s go watch the Nature Channel.

(She exits. Blackout.)