It's Really Okay With Me If You Don't Write

Walking up Broadway last night towards The Uptown Writer's Space, I caught a glimpse of a flyer in a window from a woman who promises to make you write. Sorry I didn't catch her name or the name of her business, but in very bold font on a bright green flyer, she did make the claim, "I will make you write!"

This is either a stern teacher in leather hotpants looking for "naughty boys" who need to be punished, or it is someone willing to whip you into shape in another way and pry that great American novel out of your guts. I suspect the latter, but will spend a lot of time today entertaining the former in my imagination. But I digress.

You should be able to write. It's your duty as an earthling to be able to communicate clearly and effectively via the written word in at least one language. However, when it comes to novels, plays, movies, poems and comedy sketches, I do not care that you write. Even in my writing classes, I do not care that you write. I care that you have written and we have something to work with to develop. If you didn't write anything, that's too bad. More time for me to spend with the people who did. Thanks for your money.

During my stand-up days, I was often approached by people who said, "Man, all my friends tell me I'm funny. I want to get up there and give it a try, but I don't think I have what it takes." You're probably right. Don't do it. There's enough of us carrying the workload. We've got the whole supply and demand thing covered. Keep being the funny guy at the office party. That's where we need you. Enjoy the show.

I want to be a rock star. I want to be up on a stage in front of thousands of people in an overcrowded sports arena and have everyone up on their feet rocking out to one of my tunes as I sing and play lead guitar. I want all the ladies to get all melty and cry when I switch to the acoustic guitar and play that ballad about how tender I am and how much I want to hold all of them in my sweaty rock star arms. I want my long, curly bangs to be plastered to my forehead as I work the crowd in my tight faux leather pants and vest (no shirt, got to show off these abs!) while my drummer, Jaws, does her obligatory drum solo. The only problem is, I know absolutely nothing about music, can't sing or play guitar, and my washboard stomach wouldn't clean a coffee cup. I also don't know any female drummers named Jaws. Man, if only I had someone to make me learn, write and perform music!

I love listening to music and will continue to seek out new music from old favorites while seeking out new, exciting stuff. If you enjoy reading, awesome. The world needs more people who enjoy reading. Read like the wind! Writers need people who appreciate and support them.

If you still feel you must write, take a class. That's the best place to find out if you have what it takes to be a writer. Believe me, there's a class out there for whatever you want to write - poetry, short stories, blogs, comedy sketches, etc. But if you sign up for a class and still find yourself not writing. It's okay. The world will not mourn the loss of never reading your words. Just like it won't weep over me not putting on tight pants and trying to sing.



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I wrote...

"A 67-year-old Hong Kong politican answered accusations of not being patriotic by doing what?"

30% said "Tattooing the national flag on her behind"
- Well, at least at 67, the wrinkles in her butt will make it look like it's waving.

30% said "Eating Chinese food with Jackie Chan"
- It's only patriotic if the food is laced with lead and date rape drugs.

10% said "Riding through town on a horse nude"
- Sure, embarrass a horse to prove your point.

30% got it right with "Recording a rap music video"

According to The Associated Press, a 67-year-old Hong Kong politician responded to accusations of being unpatriotic by lip-synching to Cantopop star Scott Hui's "Proud to be Chinese" in a rap music video on Youtube. Anson Chan, a prominent pro-Democracy reformer, was criticized for suggesting that she and other contenders for a legislative seat hold a debate in English. She's actually barely in the video and I don't think it helps her case much. It's in English. But if it helps her, maybe Barrack can lay down some tracks the next time his patriotism comes into question.

Fun video, though. Check it out.

Flexible Fluxus

THEATRE REVIEW

Mr. Fluxus
Directed by Greg Allen
The Neo-Futurists

Neo-Futurarium
5153 N. Ashland
312-409-1954
$10-$15

"pay what you can" Thursday
One admission fee allows return visits for the rest of the run.






Let's start with the bottomline first. Mr. Fluxus is fun. You'll get to do a few things you have never done before and a few things that you have, but in a different context. Everyone is very nice and happy to see you there. Fluxus hinges on participation, so you will participate. But you'll never be asked to do anything too out there and the one or two riskier things are voluntary. Riskier in the sense of comfort zone, not physical danger.

By starting with the bottomline, you might be asking, what's the "however." Well, it's sort of like how LA is often described. There's no "there" there. Mr. Fluxus starts as soon as you walk in the door. Or up to it. And then with your group (small groups enter every fifteen minutes), you walk through the Fluxus exhibits and demonstrations. I don't want to give too much away because so much of the fun is in the discovery. I will tell you that I drove a car around the block, protested the show I was about to see, wrote a poem about a Q-Tip, ate sour candy and received a really bad haircut. And that was my individual experience, probably very different from anyone else's.

Fluxus, like Dada, has the challenge of finding its place in today's world. At the time of their conception, they were both smacks upside the audience's head. In this day and age, what was once a smack is now a tickle. But there is a childlike, positive, do-it-yourself quality to Fluxus that makes it worth the visit.

Although the show lacks any narrative build and feels more like a trip through a roadside art museum, Greg Allen is a master of getting and keeping your attention through misdirection. There are many quotes and short speeches about Fluxus. You may not even realize you're receiving a three-minute lecture on Fluxus as you pose for a "time exposure" picture. And littered throughout the exhibition are boxes with the note "This box will be destroyed at 8:37pm."



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Saturday, I asked...

"A woman in Meridian, Idaho is facing charges of arson for setting fire to her ex-husband's what?"

40% said "Bed"
- Oh, that's so 1980's!

In spite of their flammable nature, no one went for "Penis" or "New Girlfriend"

60% got it right with "Mounted Bison Head"

According to The Associated Press, Ryann Jean Stafford, 26, a southwest Idaho woman, is accused of setting fire to a mounted bison head at her ex-husband's home. Investigators said Stafford and her former spouse got into an argument at his home. But after he left the house, police said Stafford began throwing objects and then used a lighter to ignite the mounted head. Okay, two lessons here. If you are having a fight with an ex in your home, don't leave the bitter one unattended. Two, if you are really bent on torching a mounted bison head, make it look like an accident. At least shove a pipe or cigarette in its mouth.

Saturday Morning Cartoons!

(Don't) Give Up The Sheep (1953)



This was the first appearance of Sam Sheepdog and Ralph Wolf, although here Sam is named Ralph and Ralph goes unnamed. In this version, just the sheepdog works on the clock. In later versions, both Sam and Ralph clock in and clock out together. They would always greet each other with a courteous co-worker "Mornin' Sam," "Mornin' Ralph." While Ralph Wolf is not Wyle E. Coyote he is clearly related or at least took the same correspondence course from ACME on how to catch prey.



BE AWARE

Be informed about the writer's strike. Check out the informational and humorous United Hollywood.



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"A NYC eatery is offering the world's most expensive dessert at $25,000. It features what?"

20% ordered the "Diamond Dust Sprinkles"
- They probably just use ground up cubic zirconium to save on costs.

10% drooled over "Monet in Marzipan"
- That would only be worth $25,000 if Monet returned from the grave to do them himself.

Everyone skipped "Served on Paris Hilton's boobs"
- Which would really only be worth about ten bucks a boob.

70% got it right with "Edible Gold"

According to the Associated Press, Serendipity 3 is offering a $25,000 dessert bulging with top-grade cocoa, edible gold and shavings of a luxury truffle. Frrrozen Haute Chocolate is served in a goblet with a band of gold decorated with 1 carat of diamonds and served with a golden spoon diners can take home. And when you order it, you also get a video of a crying single mother from Cleveland who is trying to raise three kids on an annual salary less than the cost of your dessert.

Mob Scenes

RED, RED WINE

Last night, I went to a wine tasting. It was a fundraising event for Lion's Club that my girlfriend put together. Given her support of my various and multiple projects, it was only fair that I give up one evening of Robowriters to support her. It was in Hinsdale and I had to get there via public transportation. Here are a few things I observed...

- I took the Metra train from 18th and Western to Hinsdale. I like the Metra. The trains are usually very clean, the fellow passengers usually very considerate, the conductors friendly and it has bathrooms! This train was running about six minutes late and there was an announcement letting you know that. On the section of the train I was on I never saw a conductor and never paid my $5 fare to Hinsdale. This was kind of cool as it made me feel a simultaneously sneaky and lucky. The one thing I don't like on the Metra train are the green tinted windows. I like to sit near the window and see the parts of Chicagoland I don't get to see very often. Everything looks a sickly green.

- Man, it's getting dark early since the time change. I arrived in Hinsdale at 4:40pm and it was dark as night. Plus, they seem content to get by with less street lighting outside the city limits. Hinsdale looked like a lovely shadowy little place.

- There are some funky bridges out in the burbs! To get to the lodge where the wine tasting was, we had to cross over this one-lane bridge that was short, but bowed pretty high. My cab driver of foreign descent actually said "Wheeee!" as we were going back down the other side.

- Wine tastings are fun, but that's all they give you - a taste. I'm there for wine drinking. Don't be holding back on that bio-dynamic pinot noir! I also like silent auctions. They had several gift baskets and I bid on all of them. I also got outbid on all of them. The next time I do a fundraiser, I'm going to have a silent auction for "regift" baskets where people fill decorative baskets with books, CDs or DVDs they want to get rid of. Or it's filled with food from the cupboards that never gets used, like tomato paste and white beans.

- My girlfriend rocks as an organizer. The event went very well and she handled the bumps in the proverbial road with grace and treated everyone helping at the event very well.

Robowriters Assignment

Courtesy of Chris Othic

Every one-act sketch revue should have at least three scenes that highlight the entire cast. An opener, a closer and a scene in the middle. This gets trickier the larger the company. My current Columbia Comedy Workshop class has thirteen students so I have to be on the lookout for when I can add people to scenes. Your scene takes place on a whale watching boat? Guess what? Everybody's on the whale watching boat!

The assignment this week is to write a group scene. If you don't have a specific company of actors that you are writing for, I recommend keeping the cast to six, three men and three women.

Here a few things to consider:

Character’s voices: When writing a group scene, it’s easy to give every characters the same voice, usually the voice of the writer. Try to use little tricks to distinguish between characters, such as remembering each character’s point of view, motivations, status and background. Or even accent.

Relationships: Just as in two or three person scenes, remember to establish relationships between the characters. Sometimes you might want to go with a room full of strangers, but if the group members all have some sort of history, good or bad, it’s a great way to inflict drama and heighten the conflict in the scene. A married couple trying to voice their opinion as one at a condo board meeting might be more interesting if they don't fully agree on what to do with the common courtyard. We can watch their marriage unravel over it.

Setting: When doing a group scene, it’s easy to get so wrapped up with who is doing what to whom that some other important things get pushed aside. Remember the setting. If you have a group of plane crash survivors stranded in the Amazon Basin, let’s see some of them get bitten by mosquitoes or suffer dehydration. Man versus nature may not be the thrust of your scene, but if two of your characters are fighting over who gets to be the alpha dog, then use the setting to raise the stakes and enrich the scene. But keep in mind the scenic focus. Use the mosquitoes, but its not about the mosquitoes.

Distribute the load: In some group scenes, you may have two or three “main characters” and a handful of supporting players. That’s fine. Just remember to give each of those supporting characters a good reason to be there, and use them to move the story forward and heighten the scene. In other words, give them something interesting to do. No actor wants to be in your scene as the “third spear holder on the right.” If he’s holding a spear, give him a reason for it.

The basics: Finally, remember to stick to the basics. Set up the scene by letting us know who this group is, where they are, and why they are there. Introduce the conflict. This may be an internal conflict within the group, or it could be an outside force that they are facing together. It may even be a little of both! Heighten the conflict and place obstacles in the group’s path. Finally, find a resolution and show us whether it succeeds or fails.

QUESTIONS ABOUT SKETCH COMEDY?

A lot of folks have told me they visit "Bite and Smile" specifically for the Robowriter Assignments and the comedy writing advice. If you have any questions, I'd be happy to try to answer them for you or try to find someone who can answer it for you. You can leave questions in the comment section or e-mail them to rvdchicago@comcast.net.

THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"The national debt has hit $9 trillion for the first time. Under which president did the national debt first break $1 trillion?"

13% said "Lyndon B. Johnson"
- LBJ (or, as I like to call him, "El BJ"), had an expensive war on his hand, but he managed to keep it under a trillion.

11% picked "George Bush (the dad)"
- He is a previous record holder, but like his son had to top him in Iraq, he had to top him in spending, too.

No one thought it was "Dwight Eisenhower"
- Back in Ike's day, the word "trillions" and "dollars" were unthinkable together. Just goes to show you what a little imagination can do.

55% knew in their hearts it was "Ronald Reagan"

According to the Associated Press, the national debt has hit $9 trillion for the first time. Last month, Congress passed and President Bush signed into law an increase in the government's borrowing ceiling to $9.815 trillion. It was the fifth debt limit increase since Bush took office in January 2001. Those increases have totaled $3.865 trillion. It took the country from George Washington until Ronald Reagan to reach the first $1 trillion in debt. That's one ironic thing I have noticed about Republican presidents and candidates. They talk about how fiscally responsible and conservative they are and how "tax and spend" happy the democrats are, but the evidence is clear. Republicans believe that if we need more money, all we have to do is print more and slap a variety of state mottoes on them.

Here's a national debt chart that speaks for itself. Click on it for a larger image. Thanks Gardena Valley Democratic Club...

The Writer's Audition

With the writer's strike going on, I thought it might be a good opportunity to talk about how the people on some of your favorite shows got the opportunity to march in picket lines this week.

If you are new to the world of sketch comedy writing and ever want to transition into a job cranking out the funny in New York or LA, be prepared to audition. In the world of sitcoms and drama, be prepared to write "spec scripts." These are examples of current and existing programs that you bust your hump to generate and use as your calling card with producers. For the best information on the net that you can find on this, check out Jane Espenson and Ken Levine's blogs. They are veterans who have scribed for some of the best sitcoms and genre television ever and they are very generous with their masterful advice. Does it sound like I am sucking up to them? I am. I admire them and hope to meet them someday. Check them out. I think you will find them worthy of admiration, too.

But on to an area closer to home, translating your sketch comedy chops to TV sketch shows, talk shows or fake news shows. Many of the writers on these programs landed their jobs from Chicago and got their opportunity through their association with the stand-up and improv scene. The more people you know here, eventually, the more people you will know there. Having someone you know who already works there and who is already familiar with your talent is probably the number one way people get on track to be hired. Another way is to regularly get your work out into the universe and build a reputation as someone who is consistently funny, creative and a decent person to work with side-by-side everyday. You do this by producing your own work, or associating yourself with a theater company that regularly produces what can show off your writing skills. Also key is promoting the heck out of it so people will see it and talk about it.

So, first, get yourself noticed as a comedy writer. As you are doing this, hunt down the opportunities. Be on the lookout for anyone looking for a comedy writer. I got my first job as a professional writer at Jellyvision by combing The Reader want ads every week without fail. I became a freelance writer for SNL's Weekend Update by seeing a handwritten fax posted in what's called "The War Room" at Second City. I also did a writer's audition for David Letterman that came to me through two channels. The talent coordinator for Letterman had contacted both Second City and Jellyvision looking for new writers.

So, what's a writer's audition? Well, once you get your foot in the door, the people who are assessing those feet want to see if you are a good fit. They have put together a package of writing hoops for you to gracefully jump through. These usually consist of writing for a few segments the show is known for while coming up with a few things of your own. In the case of the Letterman show, I had to write four Top Ten Lists, two where they provided the topic and two that I generated completely on my own. This type of audition is to see if you "get" the show. If you are a comedy writer and you are auditioning for a show you don't watch or don't think is funny, you're not going to do well.

Needless to say, I didn't get the job. I don't know anyone from Chicago who did get hired from that round of submissions. Unfortunately, I don't know how I did. Not having anyone at Letterman that I knew, I couldn't get the inside scoop on anything. My own assessment is that I rushed the audition package. In my warped brain, I recall thinking that I would impress them with a quick turnaround so they would see that not only am I funny, I can spew forth comedy at the speed of light. This was a mistake. They didn't ask me to do that, so I should have taken my time and made sure I did it right. I also didn't use my resources well. I know a lot of fellow comedy writers and, in my haste, didn't seek any feedback before sending the audition back.

So, how can you be ready when you are tapped on the shoulder to do a writer audition? Be a fan of the shows you want to work for. Practice writing Onion-style headlines, practice writing monologue jokes tailored to specific hosts, try coming up with Top Ten Lists, "desk bits" or entertaining stunts. Do your own news stories and post them on YouTube. Start a blog.


ROBOWRITERS TONIGHT

Keep your comedy writing chops up by joining us at Robowriters tonight. 6:30pm. Lawrence and Broadway at the Uptown Writer's Space. Just $5.

IN THE WTF? DEPT:

Toy Containing Date-Rape Drug Pulled

By Associated Press

WASHINGTON - Millions of Chinese-made toys have been pulled from shelves in North America and Australia after scientists found they contain a chemical that converts into a powerful "date rape" drug when ingested. Two children in the U.S. and three in Australia were hospitalized after swallowing the beads.

In the United States, the toy goes by the name Aqua Dots, a highly popular holiday toy distributed by Toronto-based Spin Master Toys.
Read the full story HERE.

Hello? How many wake-up calls do we need? KEEP THE TOY MAKING OUT OF THE HANDS OF THE CHINESE. Santa's getting pissed. China is trying to limit its population, so it makes sense for them to poison their own children. Let them keep their suffering and oppression in-house.




THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"The beaches of two Dutch North Sea islands were cluttered today when what washed ashore?"

40% rummaged through and came up with "Thousands of pounds of trash"
- Damn those dolphins and their plastic six-pack rings that children keep getting their heads stuck in!

23% took a shot with "Thousands of hypodermic needles"
- Nope. No careless dope fiends of the deep.

7% bet on the longshot "Thousands of sea horses"
- Nope. Everything is okay at the seahorse corral.

30% got their fruit and fiber with "Thousands of bananas"

According to The Associated Press, thousands of bananas washed up on two Dutch North Sea islands on Wednesday after at least six containers fell off a cargo ship in a storm and at least one burst open, a local official said. Residents are no strangers to stuff turning up on their beach; a year ago thousands of tennis shoes, aluminum briefcases and children's toys washed ashore. Some 20 years ago it was a load of sweaters. Sure beats living off of Lake Michigan. All we have washing up on shore here are dead bodies and e-coli.

History on Auto-Repeat

((Comcrap Internet was working fine when I got home last night. This morning, it was only "sort of" working, but not enough juice to do any work. So, back early at Columbia. I took a different route on the CTA - blue line to red line - and that seemed to work better.))



HISTORY ON AUTO-REPEAT

In 2005, at his second inaugural address as an un-elected president, Governor Bush said this...

All who live in tyranny and hopelessness can know: The United States will not ignore your oppression, or excuse your oppressors. When you stand for your liberty, we will stand with you.

Democratic reformers facing repression, prison or exile can know: America sees you for who you are -- the future leaders of your free country.

The rulers of outlaw regimes can know that we still believe as Abraham Lincoln did: "Those who deny freedom to others deserve it not for themselves; and, under the rule of a just God, cannot long retain it."

The leaders of governments with long habits of control need to know: To serve your people you must learn to trust them. Start on this journey of progress and justice, and America will walk at your side.

Of course, this is a pack of hipocracy and lies. Something this administration sells and re-sells (refurbished, but packaged as new). If it were true, we wouldn't be giving Pakistani President Gen. Pervez Musharraf such a pass. Just to say "we're disappointed" isn't enough.


When the United States invaded Iraq in 2003, some of the reasons given were that Hussein was a tyrant oppressing his people and he was a threat to the safety of America because he was trying to develop a biological and nuclear weapons program. All the while Bush and Cheney were banging the drum to take Iraq, North Korea was standing near the punch bowl desperately trying to get Uncle Sam's attention and get him to dance. North Korea is an oppressed country run by a tyrant with nuclear capabilities that has often blatantly threatened the safety of the United States. North Korea has - and had at that time - long-range missiles that can strike the United States.


But Bush and his pals had set their sights on oil-laden Iraq and would not be deterred by an actual threat.


Today, as Bush's tin war drum beats to invade Iran because of the top three criteria; tyrant in power, nuclear capability, threat to America, the administration is ignoring Pakistan, a country that has a tyrant in power, nuclear capabilities and, if not directly threatening the United States, certainly has ties to Al-Queda, which Iraq did not. Pakistan even has someone able to take over power that has the will of their people, is a rational leader, and a bit of a babe, Prime Minister Benazir Bhutto. I'm not saying we should go to war with Pakistan. But if we are going to throw some military weight around, throw it where it makes sense.


If Bush really meant what he said with All who live in tyranny and hopelessness can know: The United States will not ignore your oppression, or excuse your oppressors. When you stand for your liberty, we will stand with you. Then we would be crawling all over Pakistan AND Darfur.







THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY


Yesterday, Iasked...

"According to the sheriff's office in Collier County, Florida, kids are getting high on a new drug whose active ingredient is what?"

30% said "Magic Markers"

- Mmmm, magic markers smell good. Why is my nose bleeding purple?



30% tried "Fermented Twinkies"

- No wonder Twinkie the Kidd always seemed so spastic.



No one thought anyone was getting high on "Life"

- Unless its Mikey.



40 % squeezed out the right answer with "Human Poop"



According to The Smoking Gun, there's a purported "new drug" favored by the kids. It's a homemade inhalant called "Jenkem," and causes hallucinations and a "euphoric high." Jenkem's active ingredients are urine and fecal matter. Guess smoking crack wasn't enough. Now we're going for the whole ass.

Word of the Day

((Well, the main word is "sucks" as in Comcast and the CTA both suck mightily. I am posting late because I woke up at my usual time to no Internet service. Both Internet and cable are provided by Comcast. The cable works fine, but no access to the ol' Internet tubes for me. So, I left early to go to Columbia College and work on the blog before my class. I waited 20 minutes for the an over packed Fullerton bus. Got off at The Redline stop and the Brownline and Purple line were down. Everyone was told to take the Redline which was operating "normally." The first train showed up and it was packed. ONE person got off and about 20 surged toward the door trying to get on. One woman manged to squeeze herself in, and much to my delight, the doors closed around her purse. I managed to get on the next crowded train and stood wedged in the middle of a group a people, my fingertips holding on to a rail, and me trying not to breath on anyone's face or neck. The guy next to me had his iPod blaring playing, I kid you not, "It's A Small World" which is now firmly ensconced in my head. But I am here, I am alive and I am happy to be talking to you.))


WORD OF THE DAY

Our president, Governor George W. Bush, is known for making up words whenever he's on the spot and off script. As a solution to this, Mr. Bush is trying diligently to increase his vocabulary with real words. He even has one of those "Word of the Day" calendars on his desk in the oval office. Unfortunately, the calendar is not from any of our well-respected dictionary publishers, but from George's own set of advisers.

For example, here's today's entry...

Word of the Day

November, 6, 2007

"torture" (noun)

pronounced "torchur"

1. A really nasty thing only evil countries that don't do business with us do.

2. Physical duress applied to another person that causes that person to experience permanent and irreparable physical damage.

Use it in a sentence: "The U.S. does not use torture."

The real definition, courtesy of Merriam-Webster:

1 a: anguish of body or mind : agony b: something that causes agony or pain
2: the infliction of intense pain (as from burning, crushing, or wounding) to punish, coerce, or afford sadistic pleasure


Mr. Bush needs a new dictionary. One made by scholars, not politicians. Waterboarding is not an "extensive interrogation technique." It is torture. It simulates drowning. A person is immobilized and water is poured over their nose and mouth, which is covered by a cloth. It creates anguish and fear. It could lead to a heart attack and, most importantly, false information supplied by the prisoner who just wants you to fucking stop and will tell you anything he or she thinks you want to hear.

Unless congress gets the balls to take back our country, this is going to be a very long and, literally, painful year.



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"According to Spanish
researchers, dehydrated athletes should drink what instead of water?"

25% did "Mountain Dew"
- Mmmm, green, carbonated, sugary caffeine goodness. Chug it down and watch it come back out looking like it did going in.

25% picked "Mole Sauce"
- Mole sauce is wonderful. But not after a race. Try it on Quorn, instead.

16% chose "Coffee"
- I think I just made an executive from Starbucks wet his or her pants with this possibility.

34% grabbed for the gusto with "Beer"

According to The Daily Mail, Professor Manuel Garzon, of Granada's medical faculty, made his discovery after tests on 25 students over several months. They were asked to run on a treadmill under stifling temperatures of 40C (104F) until they were close to exhaustion. Half were then given two half pints of Spanish lager to drink, while the rest were given water. Professor Garzon said the rehydration effect in the students who were given beer was "slightly better" than among those given only water. He also noted that all the beer-drinking athletes found the water-drinking athletes to be more attractive in their running shorts, but not vice-versa.