Commence Whoopin' It Up!

Just a helpful reminder to clear your calendar, maybe even buy your tickets early. We're gearing up for weekend two of The Greatest Stories Never Told...TOLD! TimeOut Chicago has a great feature where you can check out the restaurants in the area for a late lunch before the show or an early dinner after. The cool thing about being done by 5:30pm and out of the theater by 6pm is that it gives us at least eight hours at the bar before last call. That's Sluefoot Sue (Kate Lambert) and Pecos Bill (Mike Johnson) sharing a canteen full of whiskey and nails.



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"A top Iranian judiciary official has warned against the destructive cultural and social consequences of importing what to their country?"

30% said "iPhones"
- It's not so much the phone as it is the long term binding service contract with AT&T that the Iranian government finds immoral.

20% said "American Idol"
- No, they're cool with it. The mosh pit reminds them of their funeral processions.

Nobody said "Miller Light"

50% got it right with "Barbie Dolls"

According to The Associated Press, a top Iranian judiciary official warned Monday against the "destructive" cultural and social consequences of importing Barbie Dolls and other Western toys. Prosecutor General Ghorban Ali Dori Najafabadi said in an official letter to Vice President Parviz Davoudi that the Western toys was a "danger" that needed to be stopped.

"The irregular importation of such toys, which unfortunately arrive through unofficial sources and smuggling, is destructive culturally and a social danger," Najafabadi said in his letter.

This has been an on-going battle, by the way. In 1996, the head of a government-backed children's agency called Barbie a "Trojan horse" sneaking in Western influences such as makeup and revealing clothes. Barbie is sold wearing swimsuits and miniskirts in a society where women must wear head scarves in public and men and women are not allowed to swim together.

Mattel really needs to hop on this. Burka Barbie, anyone?

Here she is with her friends Skipper and Krissy all ready for a fun day at the beach.

Needs A Job

Okay, folks. You know I love to teach and I would hate to leave it. I will probably always do it in some form. And as much as I enjoy the freelance projects, it's time to get a job. A job job. One with a salary and benefits. I need a reliable base salary and I need health insurance. (I looked up quotes yesterday and any decent health insurance is going to cost me at least $300 a month.)

Ideally, I'll get a job at a company I already enjoy and think is cool. Someplace that I can invest in and grow. In that job, I'll be able to use my writing skills and humor, but I'm open to anything. If you work someplace you think is cool and there's a job opening, let me know. I'm fun to have around. I'm on time. I clean up well. I like to do a good job. I'll show up at company events. Leave you presents on your desk. Like a cat leaves a dead mouse on the doorstep kind of present, but with candy.

I'll probably steal office supplies, but consider that a contribution to the arts.



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"Florida lawmakers are in the process of possibly passing a bill that prevents drivers in that state from displaying what?"

37% said "Replicas of Human Genitalia"
- As long as they are built to scale and educational, they are okay with this.

25% said "Guns"
- Are you kidding? This is Florida. Even the hearses have gun racks.

13% said "Religious Icons"
- They don't care, just as long as it's Christian.

25% got it right with "Ornamental Bull Testicles"

According to The Associated Press, metal replicas of bull testicles have become trendy bumper ornaments in some parts of the Sunshine State, but state Sen. Carey Baker is campaigning to ban the orbs. A similar bill in Virginia, aimed at rubber trailer hitch replicas of human genitalia, died in committee this year.

This is, again, a case of the government treating the symptom and not looking for a cure. A question to ask is, "Who the hell wants to have metal bull balls or rubber weenies on their trucks?" Trucks are supposed to compensate for having a small penis and, with the exception of the Oscar Mayer Weinermobile, not actually look like one.

The product line is called Bumper Nuts. And they come in all sorts of colors. Not sure why anyone would want to go with blue. Michigan fan?

Told 'em Good!

The Greatest Stories Never Told...TOLD!, opened last weekend at Gorilla Tango and things went exceptionally well. Chris Othic did an excellent job of prepping the cast of experienced improvisers and actors and packing such a big show into such a tiny space. Counter to my usual approach to a sketch revue, we are loaded up to the gills with props and costumes and set pieces. We even have a tree on stage (courtesy of Nat Topping and foam core board.) This is a very brave ensemble that tackled some difficult pieces to stage, including my take on The Legend of Pecos Bill. I'm very happy with how they figured out how to have Slue Foot Sue bounce so high her head hits the moon. We'll have a review or two coming out this week. I'll let you know if the authorities agree with my take on our production. (The cast from left to right: Mike Johnson, Tim Huerlin, Geoff Crump, Greg Wendling, Kate Lambert, Nat Topping and Jill Fenstermaker.)



METALUNA AND THE AMAZING SCIENCE OF THE MIND REVUE

...is cast! Jen did a great job assembling some fine actors. Some of worked with before, some I'm excited to be working with for the first time, and some who were in the first production with me. Can't wait to get started on this.

The cast for Metaluna and the Amazing Science of the Mind Revue is:

Haliday/Mrs. Holder – Mary Jo Bolduc
Dr. Carlton Twist – Michael Brownlee
Tristan Hannock – Dave Dasmalchian
Rupert Carol Oakes – Regan Davis
Marlena – Lisa Fairman
Mayor Armitage Shanks – Don Hall
Baden Baden – Joe Janes
Tiger – Michael Johnson
Irene Hannock – Rebecca Langguth
Freud/Uncle Louie – Dennis Newport
Nattie Shanks – Erin Orr
Balthazaar – Jeff Shivar
Antoine – Joel Vining

The run of this show is:  July 17th - August 16th, Thursday - Sunday, at The Red Orchid Theater on Wells Street.



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

On Friday, I asked...

"Considered to be NBC's top choice to replace Conan O'Brien when Conan takes over for Leno is whom?"

6% said "Tina Fey"
- Probably not. She's a little busy right now.

6% said "Ryan Seacrest"
- Nope. They actually went with someone with a personality.

No one, rightfully, thought it was "Pauly Shore"

88% got it right with "Jimmy Fallon"

According to The Associated Press, for months, Fallon has been widely considered the top choice to succeed O'Brien when he steps down next year. Last week, published reports said Fallon has signed, or soon will sign, a deal with NBC.

I have my doubts about Jimmy Fallon as a host...or actor...or sketch comedian...but you have to give Lorne Michaels credits. Lorne also produces Late Night and when Conan started, he gave him plenty of time to get good at the job, sticking with him when many critics were begging for the plug to be pulled. However, Lorne seems to be the only person in the world who thinks Jimmy Fallon has any talent. Being cute, which Fallon is very good at, isn't a talent, it's a skill. Like giving blowjobs to producers. Something else he must be good at to justify his career.

The Greatest Stories Never Told...TOLD!

Yesterday was one of those days where I had to be somewhere early and didn't end up near a computer again until 2pm. My humble apologies to my countless readers (well, countless because my mind wanders) who checked in to Bite and Smile and got bupkiss.

One thing I did yesterday morning was help out at an 826 workshop. We were working with a class of fifth graders from an elementary school on the south side. In this workshop, we all got to work with a small group of kids and write a story together. They wrote, I typed and nudged them along. I had three girls who wanted to tell a mushy love story about Johnny and Akeelma who met in pre-school and are still together! It was called Johnny and Alkeema's Pre-School Kiss. It had a bit of a Romeo and Juliet thing going on. Johnny and Akeelma fell in love, but were torn apart by Johnny's mother who was big and mean. It didn't work out for Johnny and Akeelma until five years later when Johnny's mother went down to Florida to fight all the alligators for money and the young lovers could spend some time together without fear. Sigh...very romantic. I love working with kids and these three young ladies were throwing in everything they could into the story. If we had another day and unlimited space for their book, we would have had the full Johnny/Akeelma biography.


NO ROBOWRITERS TOMORROW!

Because of RvD's opening production of The Greatest Stories Never Told...TOLD! we are cancelling robowriters for April 26th and May 3rd. We will return on the 10th. Come see our show. It's a lot of fun and there are worse things you could do with ten bucks.


THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

On Wednesday, I asked...

"A lab technician in Aurangabad, India is under arrest for stealing and trying to sell what?"

54% said "A Bollywood actor's mole"
- The are crazier than we are when it comes to celebrity. It's always a good thing when you can point to someone worse than you on something.

9% said "Placebos"
- And someone bought them with counterfeit money.

9% said "Drug-laced rabbits"
- What's up, Doc? No. Really. What's up? Got anything? Help me out here.

24% got it right with "Sperm"

According to The Associated Press, a laboratory technician who allegedly tried to make a quick buck by stealing samples from the Indian sperm bank where he worked has been arrested after a doctor tipped off police, authorities said Tuesday. The employee allegedly stole the sperm from a sperm bank in the western city of Aurangabad, and tried to sell 101 vials of it to a doctor in Mumbai for about $625. The doctor declined and called police. Infertility expert Dr. Aniruddha Malpani described the alleged theft as "bizarre" because vials that are not properly labeled would be "worse than useless." "Anyone would have a hard time selling sperm vials. They must be stored in a liquid nitrogen container. It doesn't make any sense," Malpani said.

This is why I keep my sperm labeled and on ice. Look for it on eBay. This stuff is just too good to keep to myself.

Listen to Your Scene

Currently, I am teaching an outstanding Writing I class on Tuesday nights at Second City. Last night, the in-coming assignment was a Moral Dilemma scene. A Moral Dilemma scene is where you paint your main character into a corner where in order to get what they want, they'll have to do something immoral like lie, cheat or steal. The classic example is finding a wallet full of money. Do you try to find the owner or pocket the money? Now, that in and of itself, is not such an interesting situation. However, if your main character is about to be evicted and has been reduced to eating free condiments out of foil packets for sustenance, then it gets a little better. If he knows the wallet was dropped by a little old man on his way to the pharmacy or the bank and it's someone he knows, then things perk up a bit. If the money is a substantial amount, enough to cover his debts and a little extra, we also raise the stakes. There may be another angle of adding that the main character is in Jesuit school or something, but that may be one thing too many. It's a good exercise for practicing heightening your scenes and seeing how much you can believably build the dilemma and while having the audience be able to relate to it.

What was interesting last night is how many scenes demonstrated the need for the writer to listen. On a very literal level, I mean actually read your scene out loud and listen to it. By doing that, you are likely to catch anything from syntax errors to repetitiveness to phrases that just don't roll off the tongue very well. On an internal level, listen to your characters and the scene itself. What are the characters trying to tell you? What do they want? What does the scene want? Sometimes a scene wants to go in a direction different from where the writer is taking it. Usually it's buried in an aside or shown through another character whose more interesting than the main character. In one scene last night, there was a character who lied about romantically seeing the bosses daughter - the bosses fifteen year old daughter, he finds out - to deflect attention from what he was really hiding. His lie, in my opinion, was more interesting than the truth and very scene worthy.

Listen to your scenes!

THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"Pastor Roger Byrd of the Jonesville Church of God is stirring controversy since he posted which message on the sign of his church?"

50% said "God hates fags, women and Muslims"
- I think God hates God and has self-esteem issues.
9% said "Hillary, Bill, do they both wear the pants in the family?"
- Clearly, they both do. But underneath, Bill wears boxers and Hillary wears a strap-on.
9% said "John McCain and George Bush have kissed. Gay?"
- Gay for war. They love war so much, why don't they marry it?
27% got it right with "Obama, Osama, humm, are they brothers?"

According to WYFF Channel 4, Pastor Roger Byrd of Jonesville, S.C, said that he just wanted to get people thinking. So last Thursday, he put a new message on the sign at the Jonesville Church of God. It reads: "Obama, Osama, humm, are they brothers?"Byrd said that the message wasn't meant to be racial or political.

Not racial or political? Then what is it? An ice-breaker? Forget that he's a Christian church leader trying to link a presidential candidate to a notorious terrorist. Let's just look at his logic. Because of a one consonant difference, there's a possibility Obama and Osama are brothers? First off, Obama is his last name. Osama is the other guy's first name. Hmm, I wonder if Julia Roberts and Robert Deniro are brother and sister? Unless one was named Osama Obama or the other Barack Bin-Laden, then I am pretty sure they are not brothers.

I wonder if Roger Byrd is any relation to Jolly Roger? Doesn't matter any more. He took the sign down yesterday due to the national outcry over his stupidity.

I'm One!

Today marks the official one year anniversary of Bite and Smile. Wheeeeeeee!!!!

I average 50 visitors a day. It can spike dramatically, usually after I have reviewed a show. In spite of the Google ads, I make no money from this. I think to make money off those ads, one needs to pull in a thousand or more visitors a day. Since I'm not talking about Paris Hilton or featuring cute pictures of animals with witty captions, this is unlikely to happen any time soon. I do it because I love it. I love the challenge. And, as a writer, it helps me keep my chops up - productively and satirically. Thanks to everyone who commented last Friday on what they liked about Bite and Smile. I appreciate your input and encouragement.

I thought I would mark the occasion by honoring other blogs of note. Starting and sustaining this blog has opened me up to a world of bloggers. A world once derided by me. Oh, sure, the Internet is clogged with bloggers wasting volumes of cyber-space blabbing about the antics of their cats or children or how they hate their job and how they are just one quick trip away from the sporting goods department at Wal-Mart to being a disgruntled employee who makes the news. But I have discovered a few that rise above the din and I look forward to checking in on them.


These are blogs I visit daily. At least Monday through Friday. I find them funny, smart, educational and often inspiring.

An Angry White Guy in Chicago (Don Hall) - The grandpappy of them all in my book. The one that got me writing this blog. He has also been my most ardent supporter.

By Ken Levine - Ken is a veteran comedy writer in LA. His social commentary is often brilliant, but I really love reading about his experiences working on Cheers and MASH.

Clever Title (Nat Topping) - Nat is one of the funniest writers out there. I admire his work and hope my writing grows up to be like his some day. His whacked imagination, turn of phrase and aspirations for presidency brighten my day.

Jane in Progress (Jane Espenson) - Jane is one of my favorite genre TV writers, most notably from the Joss Whedon stable, currently working on Battlestar Galactica. Her insights are valuable and she has a soft, mentoring approach that makes me feel like she genuinely wants me to do well, even though she doesn't know who the hell I am!

The Rob Kozlowski Chicago Theater and Vinatge Film Medicine Show (title subject to change as he seems to change it every week now) - Rob is a fellow teacher at Columbia and Second City. He really has his pulse on Chicago theater, from the little guys to the big guys, and he's always rooting for the best and throws rocks at the worst.

Fanatical Apathy (Adam Felber) - Adam is a busy guy. He and his wife just had a baby and he writes for Real Time with Bill Maher and he shows up in Chicago from time to time to be a panelist on Wait! Wait! Don't Tell Me!. Because of his schedule, his frequency of posting can ebb and flow, but it usually is worth the wait. He has a sharp, satirical wit that schools me in ways to skewer targets beyond the usual kneejerk "Bush really sucks."

Liberty Valence - a subplot - (Thea Lux) - Thea is one of my favorite persons on the planet. Period. She is also one of the most creative and talented. Actress, musician, composer, artist, writer and I'm sure there's a worthy "etc" to add that I am missing. Her blog has a way of digging into those daily moments we all experience, often hysterical and often touching.

The Graffiti Table (Paul Custodio and Pete Ficht) - Pete and Paul are friends of mine from the college days. Paul is a copywriter for an advertising company in Spokane, Washington and Pete is a web designer in Portland, Oregon. Pete is also a talented musician and the guy you want to talk to if you want to know what tunes you should be listening to. Paul is also an actor and has a very sardonic sense of humor. They have a lot to say about the current state of the world and about what its like to be in your 40's against your will.

There are many other blogs that I peek in on every week. They are all listed on the left. I don't put any links there that I don't check out myself. There's also a few that I haven't added yet, but hope to soon.

Thanks for reading my blog over the past year. Whether you came here intentionally or accidentally wound up here because you did a search for "nice labia." I don't know that actual stats, but that's probably the number one search after "joe janes blog" that gets people here!

Have a nice labia!



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"Russian Yuri Lyalin was just trying to sleep off a night of drinking when his wife woke him and told him what?"

33% said "We divorced three years ago. Go home."
- Nope. But if he keeps coming to bed like he did, a divorce is coming soon.

17% said "Your snoring just woke Putin."
- If you disturbed Putin, you'd probably be awakened with a judo punch to the throat before your wife could say anything.

No one said "Your make-up is smearing the pillow."

50% said "You have a knife sticking out of your back."

According to BBC News, Yuri Lyalin, 53, took a bus home, ate breakfast and apparently slept like a baby before his spouse noticed a handle sticking out of his back. He was rushed to casualty but doctors found no vital organs damaged. Mr Lyalin shrugged the episode off but the drinking partner who stabbed him faces trial, Russian media report. "We were drinking and what doesn't happen when you're drunk?" he was quoted by Komsomolskaya Pravda as saying.

Finally, someone with a healthy attitude toward drinking. And stabbing.

Hyde and Go Seek

THEATRE REVIEW

Clay Continent
Adapted and Directed by Bob Fisher
The Mammals
The Peter Jones Gallery
1806 West Cuyler, 2nd Floor
Two shows left - April 25 & 26
$10
1-866-593-4614 for reservations



For the record, I know the actors and the director of this show very well. Have worked with them all before. Know 'em, love 'em, want to give birth to their babies.

Now the review.

Clay Continent is a riff on the classic Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde by Robert Louis Stevenson. Most adaptations of classic stories typically do one of two things; they either take the adaptation too literally making a rather ham-fisted affair or they abandon the story entirely and just use the concept and character names - most adaptations of Frankenstein and Dracula follow the second tactic. Clay Continent, thankfully, doesn't fit comfortably in either category. It focuses on the three main characters; Jekyll, Hyde and Utterson.

Utterson? Who the hell is Utterson? In the novella, Utterson is Jekyll's lawyer and friend. If, like me, you are more familiar with the countless TV and film adaptations of the story, you have never heard of Utterson. Even though the Stevenson story is told from his perspective, the character is often cut to focus on Jekyll/Hyde and the impact his duality has on his love life.

In Clay Continent, Bob Fisher has stripped away the story to focus on the turmoil the three central characters are going through. There is no narrative. The characters speak lines collaged from several different works. They often speak simultaneously creating an orchestrated effect. They move in and out of each other's spaces as their pain ebbs and flows. The actors all wear microphones, amplifying their heavy breathing and speaking and heightening the nightmarish quality of the piece. The performances are full of life. Don Hall (Utterson), Jen Ellison (Jekyll) and Dave Goss (Hyde) each crawl, eek, or barrel across the stage fully committed to their characters. Hyde is the only character to address the audience, which is disconcerting since he is one messed up bastard. He is not the devilish Hyde we know from films. No cape, cane or top hat. He is hunched over, snarling, and he does mean things to cats.

While I admire the staging of the piece - it is also very strikingly visual - and I appreciate it digging into the subtext of the story, I found it alienating. The characters are so wrapped up in what they are doing, there doesn't seem to be any effort to include the audience. It goes on in spite of us. And the characters are all at such a heightened state, there's also no opportunity to connect or relate to any of them. I feel that Utterson, being the most grounded of the three, should be the person I most associate with and perhaps even root for, but there are no moments that allow for that. I think it's a very basic element of theater to engage the audience and that didn't appear to be one of their goals. It's interesting, but I wouldn't recommend it for date night.



METALUNA AUDITIONS

What the fuck, people? We had fifty people who reserved an audition slot. We scheduled people at ten minute intervals to make sure we ran on time. We had 21 people not show up! How fricking unprofessional is that? I have never run into that before in any set of auditions ever. We think what happened is that people may have freaked out at the last minute. People were told to do two minutes of whatever they wanted to do. We saw some great stuff, though. Some traditional monologues, some anecdotes, a woman juggled a sword, one auditionee didn't show up in person, but sent a package containing a flip book of his face and a cassette tape of him singing a song. We had a lot of great people show up, so I'm not worried about casting the show. But when 21 people don't show, that's a lot of unnecessary down time forced upon the playwright and director. Even more frustrating was when no one bothered to show up in the last hour on Saturday. At Columbia College, if a student signs up for an audition and doesn't show up, they are blackballed from auditioning for the rest of the semester. You can bet WNEP is going to keep track. If we can't count on you to show up to a confirmed scheduled audition, we can't count on you to be in a show.


ROBOWRITERS ASSIGNMENTS

Last week we didn't have one and we don't have one this week. Next week may be in question, too, as we have tech all day Saturday for our new show. But keep checking in. We will get back in the groove on these. In the meantime, I recommend doing a rewrite of a piece you haven't looked at in some time.


THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Friday, I asked...

"A structure built for the 1958 World's Fair in Belgium celebrated its 50th anniversary. It was built to resemble what?"

18% said "Elvis's guitar"
- No. (I got nothing here.)

9% said "Dwight D. Eisenhower"
- Perfect with Ike's forehead.A predecessor of the geodesic dome.

No one said "A Chevy"
72% got it right with "An atom"

According to The Associated Press, Belgium last week celebrated the 50th anniversary of the Atomium, an oddity of modern architecture touted as the "most astonishing building in the world." Built for the 1958 World's Fair in Brussels, the Atomium is a towering structure made up of nine giant aluminum-clad spheres linked with steel tubes. The sci-fi design represents an iron atom magnified 165 billion times.

Dammit! We were supposed to be wearing tunics and living in these structures by the year 2,000. Dude, where's my flying car?