Tim Russert and the 27 Virgins

As I am sure you know by now, Tim Russert, host of Meet the Press, passed away suddenly last Friday afternoon. He was one of my favorite television journalists. A big guy with a down-to-earth approach and an easy-going sense of humor. He had a very grounded presence and just had a great way of making sense of things. He will be sorely missed as we go into this very important presidential election.

THE CIRCUS HAS LEFT TOWN

Good friend and founding member of Soiree Dada, Circus-Szalewski has officially and finally(!) moved to Los Angeles. I was fortunate enough to catch up with him at the Green Mill last night. The Dada boys have haunted that place and it was a fitting venue for his departure. It was also an opportunity for Circus and Julie to meet. As Julie put it, "For a guy named Circus, he's pretty normal. He might just be the most normal friend you have."


ROBOWRITER ASSIGNMENT

The assignment this week is to write about heaven. Your concept of heaven, a well accepted concept of heaven, or even just a situation where someone's dreams come true. It's a good opportunity for some social satire by taking a closer look at "wouldn't it be great dreams" and seeing that, on closer inspection, they may not be so great.

I'll give you an example by sharing an idea I am working on. I am fascinated by suicide bombers and that what seems to be one of their primary motivations - that they will be greeted in heaven by 27 virgins. For heaven, that sounds like a pretty naughty proposition. There must be a catch.

Let's explore a closer look with a list of ten...

1) They're all babies.
2) They're all virgins for a reason - all very grotesque.
3) Nope. It's 100% true and they are all on the same cycle.
4) It's true and they all really act like virgins. They want the time to be right. They want to make sure you really love them, etc.
5) It's true and shortly they are all pregnant and you have to raise 27 kids.
6) They are all exceptionally inexperienced and just not getting the hang of this sex thing.
7) They're all guys.
8) It's a mixed bag of all these because they had a tough time finding 27 virgins.
9) They are all in competition with the others and don't get along. They act like it's The Bachelor.
10) They don't like him. They all act like entitled sorority girls and make the suicide bomber feel belittled and out of place.

Lots of possibilities. I like the last one a lot. I also like the one where they really are virgins and act like it. There are others I like, but they are more like short one-joke blackouts, like "babies" or "all guys." If I want to write a full scene, I need something that will demand more character development.

So, pick your heaven. And then start poking holes in it. Have fun.

THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

On Friday, I asked...

"Barack Obama has a new website addressing rumors about him called what?"

25% said "IAmNotATerrorist.com"
- That's fine, but he'll also need a .com for IAmNotAMarxist, IAmNotAnElitist, IAmNotRacist, IAmNotUnpatriotic and IAmNotTheAntichrist.

9% said "SmearTheFears.com"
- I liked this one because it reminded me of the offensively titled childhood game of Smear the Queer. It was the only game where I was labeled a queer for catching a ball.

8% said "DontBeAnIdiot.com"
- If urls had subtext, this would be it.

58% got it right with "FightTheSmears.com"

According to the International Herald Tribune, after trying for months to bat down a swirl of wild rumors in more conventional ways, the presidential campaign of Barack Obama started a Web site last Thursday intended to quash such reports. The site, FightTheSmears.com, lists - and seeks to explode - these rumors.

This is probably a good idea. Most candidates will ignore the rumors and try not to dignify them with comments. That doesn't make them go away. The only thing it ignores is that people anxiously willing to buy into rumors are probably not likely to check their validity.

But all the rumor refuting in the world isn't going to make me vote for a guy the right wing tells me doesn't wear a flag pin, has Hussein for a middle name and flashes terrorist signs to his wife at rallies. McCain has shrewdly changed his campaign slogan to "I'm white."

You Say Tomato, I Say Knob of Red Death

From over at The Huffington Post...

WASHINGTON — The toll from salmonella-tainted tomatoes jumped to 228 illnesses Thursday as the government learned of five dozen previously unknown cases and said it is possible the food poisoning contributed to a cancer patient's death.

The Food and Drug Administration has not pinpointed the source of the outbreak. With the latest known illness striking on June 1, officials also are not sure if all the tainted tomatoes are off the market.

On the do-not-eat list are raw red plum, red Roma or red round tomatoes, unless they were grown in specific states or countries that the FDA has cleared because they were not harvesting when the outbreak began or were not selling their tomatoes in places where people got sick.

The FDA is directing consumers to its Web site _ _ for updated lists of the safe regions. http://www.fda.gov

Read the full article HERE.

In spite of only three types of in-organically grown tomatoes being suspected, restaurants nationwide are throwing out their tomatoes by the heaping bushels. Leaving many homeless people, rats and struggling mortgage holders dining on the possibly tainted swollen red fruit. It's typical of we Americans to overreact to any slightly threatening situation (Freedom Fries, anyone?). No one has died. Except for that guy who had cancer. My heart goes out to him. It would be my luck to go that way. He had received good news about his condition and was out celebrating. "Hey, Everybody! The doctor's say my cancer is in remission. Let's party! Hey, this salsa is fantas-C-R-O-A-K!"

The result is a lot of wasted tomatoes. More waste than asking Paris Hilton to rehearse for a film role. The green in me cannot stand for such foolishness. These red tomatoes need to be utilized.

Mr. and Mrs. America, pick up your Lycopersicon esculentum! Don't throw them out. Throw them at a target. Tossing a spoiled tomato at a lame performer is a time-honored tradition long forgotten in entertainment.

Sadly, not everyone goes to see live performances anymore, so we have to pick new targets.

Keep a basket of tomatoes near the recliner while watching the television. Some particularly good targets include...

- John McCain whenever he gets that awkward smile and tries to be funny. "That's change we can believe in-PLOOP!"

- Bankruptcy attorneys doing their own commercials. "I'm Peter Francis Gera-KER-SMOOSH!"

- Fox News Anchors - "A knowing glance or did Obama use a terrorist left eyebrow raise? - SMOCK-PLOOSH!" (They get two tomatoes.)

Keep some near the window so you can drop them on dog owners who let their canines poop anywhere on your path from the front door to your car.

Pack a few in your glove compartment for that asshole who honks his or her car horn right behind you when the slow down is being caused far ahead of you.

Take them to the movies and use them on patrons chatting on cellphones. "Where you at-SMACKEESH!"

For you traditionalists, Legally Blond - The Musical, is coming to Chicago. Seats available at vividseats.com (plug!). I hear salmonella red is the new pink.




ROBOWRITERS TOMORROW

Hey! After taking a week off for a wedding surplus, we return. Saturday at 1pm at Gorilla Tango, 1919 North Milwaukee near Western. Bring your sketches, bring your ideas, bring your funny voices, leave with a better scene and an idea or two for a new scene. $5.


THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"An obscenity trial in San Francisco was suspended when what was discovered?"

57% said "People observing the trial were caught masturbating."
- The trench coats in June were a dead giveaway. That and the pulsating squishy sound.

14% said "The defendant is a nudist minister."
- Do not take communion from this man. Not someone I want to kneel down in front of to eat of the body.

No one thought it was "The prosecutor collects videos of school girls."

28% got it right with "The judge posted porn to his own website."

According to The Associated Press, Alex Kozinski is more accustomed to appearing on lists to fill U.S. Supreme Court vacancies than headlines involving pornographic scandals.

But on Wednesday, the chief judge of the country's largest federal appeals court was forced to suspend an obscenity trial he was presiding over after sexually explicit images posted to his personal Web site became public.

Kozinski, 57, told the Times he thought the material on his site, which included a video of a man cavorting with a sexually aroused farm animal, couldn't be seen by the public. The judge said he didn't believe any of the images were obscene.

Not obscene? Is it an artistic romp with a goat? Was the man playfully seduced by the goat ala Tom Jones? Was it filmed by Ingmar Bergman? Nanny and Alexander? Did it make it okay because the goat was a female? A male goat would have really been obscene. Did it avoid being obscene because the man in the video is a Capricorn, thus making it symbolic of his struggle for meaning in the universe?

If this judge needs a lawyer, he should call me.

In the meantime, I hope his robes are salmonella resistant.

Newz Quis

Yesterday, I asked...

"Specifically for Muslim women, there's an operation now available that does what?"

16% said "Helps one be obedient to one's husband"
- There's a name for that operation. It's called a pre-nup.

9% said "Keeps one from sweating in one's burka"
- No operation needed. Use the new Speedo mesh burka.

No one said "Makes one's butt bigger"

75% got it right with "Restores virginity"

According to the International Herald Tribune, the surgery in the private clinic off involved one semicircular cut, 10 self-dissolving stitches and a discounted fee of $2,900.

But for the patient, a 23-year-old French student of Moroccan descent from Montpellier, the 30-minute procedure represented the key to a new life: the illusion of virginity.

Like an increasing number of other Muslim women in Europe, she had a "hymenoplasty," a restoration of her hymen, the thin vaginal membrane that normally breaks during the first act of intercourse.

"In my culture, not to be a virgin is to be dirt," said the student, perched on a hospital bed as she awaited surgery Thursday. "Right now, virginity is more important to me than life."

These people really need to stop romanticizing that whole virginity thing. Any guy will tell you that a woman who's a little dirty is a lot more fun in the bedroom than someone who is pure. And having the illusion of purity means you're willing to start off your marriage with a lie. Lying should really come later. Like when your husband discovers someone else's beard hairs on your burka.

Seriously - Impeach Bush!

Support Rep. Kucinich's Articles of Impeachment

Rep. Dennis Kucinich performed a heroic service for our Nation by introducing 35 Articles of Impeachment against President George W. Bush.

Rep. Kucinich thoroughly research and and documented every single article. Any one Article would be sufficient grounds for impeaching Bush and removing him from office; taken together, the case for impeachment is overwhelming and urgent.

Here are just a few...

Article I
Creating a Secret Propaganda Campaign to Manufacture a False Case for War Against Iraq.

Article II
Falsely, Systematically, and with Criminal Intent Conflating the Attacks of September 11, 2001, With Misrepresentation of Iraq as a Security Threat as Part of Fraudulent Justification for a War of Aggression.

Article III
Misleading the American People and Members of Congress to Believe Iraq Possessed Weapons of Mass Destruction, to Manufacture a False Case for War.

Article IV
Misleading the American People and Members of Congress to Believe Iraq Posed an Imminent Threat to the United States.

Article V
Illegally Misspending Funds to Secretly Begin a War of Aggression.

Is it all about Iraq? Nope...

Article XXVIII
Tampering with Free and Fair Elections, Corruption of the Administration of Justice.

Article XXIX
Conspiracy to Violate the Voting Rights Act of 1965.

Article XXX
Misleading Congress and the American People in an Attempt to Destroy Medicare.

Article XXXI
Katrina: Failure to Plan for the Predicted Disaster of Hurricane Katrina, Failure to Respond to a Civil Emergency.

Article XXXII
Misleading Congress and the American People, Systematically Undermining Efforts to Address Global Climate Change.

Article XXXIII
Repeatedly Ignored and Failed to Respond to High Level Intelligence Warnings of Planned Terrorist Attacks in the US, Prior to 911.

Article XXXIV
Obstruction of the Investigation into the Attacks of September 11, 2001.

Article XXXV
Endangering the Health of 911 First Responders.

You can read all 35 of them HERE.

Leading democrats have continued to speak out against impeachment simply dismissing it as "off the table and justifying the complacency with "too much of a distraction." Yes, murder, mismanagement, unnecessary war and being a douche bag are distracting. But this guy and his henchmen are criminals. Our founding fathers would have tarred and feathered them and ran them out of DC long ago.

Show your support for justice by taking thirty seconds to fill this form out at Democrats.com.

http://www.democrats.com/35-articles-of-impeachment

It will automatically send e-mails to your representatives in congress saying you support holding the Bush administration accountable for their crimes.

Look. I know. Kucinich kind of looks like a weenie. Like a sickly elf with a bad toupee. But he's been the only one in congress with balls enough to stand up for justice, America and the American people while Bush and Cheney have been trying to shove the constitution and the bill of rights through a paper shredder.


THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"Mayawati, the cheif minister of the northern India state of Uttar Pradesh, ordered officials to replace a statue of herself because why?"

50% said "It made her butt look big."
- Nobody told her that bronze adds ten pounds.

25% said "It didn't reflect her new nose."
- Nope. Same old nose.

12% said "It didn't have arms."
- Venus de Mayawati?

13% got it right with "It was shorter than the other statues."

According to The Associated Press, Mayawati, the 5-foot tall chief minister of the northern India state of Uttar Pradesh, ordered officials to replace a 12-foot bronze statue of herself with a larger one because it was 3 feet shorter than nearby statues of other leaders.

It was three feet smaller because she's three feet smaller than the other leaders!

The combined cost of Mayawati's first statue and the one that replaced it last week was an estimated $950,000 — no small fee in a region of India notorious for its bad roads, spotty electricity and endemic poverty.

I think she has a future in America.

Here she is posing with her new statue.

Hey, Look to Your Left - A Sponsor!

Well, exciting things happening here. After several long meetings with upper management over the weekend at the International BS headquarters in Tulsa, we have decided to accept the offer of a sponsor. That's why the page looks different. Thought I'd gussie up a bit. VividSeats seems like a cool company. They are a Chicago-based service offering a friendly alternative to TicketBastard. Click on the image to the left to go to their website and use the code for 5% discount. Let me know how your experience is with them, too.

So, this means I am being paid to blog! How about them apples? I better start writing something good. So...Um...

Oh! Here's something you might not know. PopTarts - which used to be one of my favorite food groups - aren't vegetarian. They contain gelatin. A healthier alternative is Nature's Path's Toaster Pastries. They are yummy and even have flavors like cherry-pomegranate. You can find them at Trader Joe's, Whole Foods and sometimes in the organic health food section of the mainstream grocery stores.

There! I hope that info was worth the dollar a day I'm pulling in now.


THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"An American military supercomputer just set a calculation speed record. It is named what?"

37% said "Wile E. Coyote, Super Genius"
- By Acme. It is the fastest computer. When thrown off a cliff.

25% said "Taz"
- The cartoon version of HAL? "Good afternoon, gentlemen. I am a TAZ 9000 computer. I became operational at the T.A.Z. plant in Urbana, Illinois on the 12th of January 1992. My instructor was Mr. Langley, and he taught me to sing a song. If you'd like to hear it I can sing it for you. And then eat you."

12% said "Speedy Gonzales"
- A very fast computer. Just not very good at hopping fences. (Go Redskins!)

And 25% calculated it correctly with "Roadrunner"

According to the International Herald Tribune, an American military supercomputer, assembled from components originally designed for video game machines, has reached a long-sought-after computing milestone by processing more than 1.026 quadrillion calculations per second. The new $133 million supercomputer, called Roadrunner in a reference to the state bird of New Mexico, was devised and built by engineers and scientists at IBM and Los Alamos National Laboratory, based in Los Alamos, New Mexico. It will be used principally to solve classified military problems to ensure that the nation's stockpile of nuclear weapons will continue to work correctly as they age.

Here's a picture of the computer from AP Photo. It's going to require a lot of birdseed.

Tornadic

METALUNA

We are in rehearsals for a play I wrote a dozen years ago. Pretty wild. I am hearing actors unfamiliar with Soiree Dada or the original production discussing things never considered the first time around. In the play, there's is a scene where the dadas are debating - more like lamenting - about whether or not to take an offer to go to The New York. They are eventually swayed by their mutual hatred for futurism embodied by an ass of a man named Haliday played in the original production wonderfully by Lori McClain(!).

Last night we talked about Futurism and why they should care about what this guy thinks.

Furturism started in Italy about a decade ahead of dada. It was art in all classic forms with a disdain for the past and an embrace of the modern, especially in architecture and technology. In the 1920's, they were strongly linked with fascism and Mussolini.

There was a natural antagonism between Dada and Futurism not unlike Oscar Madison (Messy Dada) and Felix Unger (Anal Futurism). Futurism also glorified war where Dadaism was born, in part, out of distaste for such nasty things. Dada, being newer, also might be accused of stealing Futurism's thunder of being the hot, new thing. Both forms wrote passionate manifestos about their art, but only the Futurists took them seriously. Dada manifestos would even call out Futurism.

futurism wants to mount in an artistic lyricism-elevator WHAT DOES DADA DO?

The Futurist is dead. Of What? Of DADA

Speaking of Art





My cousin Nate's exhibition runs through July 13th. I mistakenly thought it was June 13th. Go see it. He is prominently featured at the Jack Gallery and images on the web don't do his artwork justice. It is all hand painted and very vibrant. His latest work is right in the main window at the entrance.

It was great getting caught up with Nate, his girlfriend and his parents. And I was proud to hear that Nate was stirring up some controversy in my home town by being outspoken about the long overdue change to the name of the high schools sports teams - The Redskins. When you grow up with it, it's hard to see it. Even I have been late in thinking that Port Clinton High School should consider another name. But, seriously, the redskins? It really is as offensive as calling them The Chinks or The Coloreds. There's concern that the alternative is the most obvious choice for the region and not necessarily a good one, The Walleyes. The Fighting Walleyes. I can see the point. Sounds like the team is made up of special needs students. Go Walleyes!





Tornadic

Michael Brownlee and Karyn Morris (now Brownlee) tied the knot this last Saturday during rain and tornado sirens in the humid jungles of south central Wisconsin. Regardless of the weather, everyone was in good spirits and it was a touching ceremony. Even if the minister looked like Snidely Whiplash. Julie and I got a hotel room about an hour away and, even though we dealt with some torrential rain, didn't have any difficulty getting there or leaving. Unlike Don, who played trumpet for them.


THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

On Friday, I asked...

"Graduates of Westlake High School in Ohio got a surprise when they noticed which misspelled word on their diplomas?"

40% said "gradation"
- What they really meant was de-gradation.

10% said "diphloma"
- Fortunately, they have a vaccine for that.

10% said "satisfartorily"
- Nope. That's just me trying to work the word "fart" into my blog.

40% got it right with "educaiton"

According to The Associated Press,Westlake High School officials misspelled "education" on the diplomas distributed two weekends ago. Principal Timothy Freeman says he sent back the diplomas once to correct another error. When the diplomas came back, no one bothered to check things they thought were right the first time. The publisher has reprinted the diplomas a second time and sent them to the 330 graduates. All a part of George W. Bush's "No Chid Left Behind" program.

FYI - The name of Westlake High School's sports teams? The Demons. Or is it, the Demins? Go evil!

Pop Arf!

Nathan Janes, my cousin, is going to be at Jack Gallery, 678 North Wells Street, tonight from 6pm to 9pm in Chicago. They are exhibiting a showcase of his works along with a few others entitled Family Dog Meets Family Dog. Nate is very animal friendly and has applied his artful talents towards painting critters, mainly canines. The exhibition runs through the 13th.Check it out. I'll be there, too.

You can see more of Nate's work at his website Pop Arf. Check out his blog, too.



NO ROBOWRITERS THIS WEEK

Robowriters will return Saturday the 14th at 1pm at Gorilla Tango.


Paul Sills, 1927 to 2008

Paul Sills passed away earlier this week and I have yet to mention it on my blog. Paul was the son of Viola Spolin, the mother of improvisation. I won't dive into a history lesson about Paul. Chris Jones of the Chicago Tribune put together a very thoughtful obituary and you can read it here.

I have hesitated to write anything because I'm not sure what to say about the man. I did not know him. I have never met him. Clearly, he was the conduit between improv and theater. His mother pioneered the form as theater games for children. Paul brought it to his friends as a way to enrich the performances in their theatrical productions. He is one of the founding fathers of Second City and the first Second City director. Many people I respect have called him a genius and just as many that I also respect have gone out of their way to say he's not. He just throws chairs. Genius!

Regardless of how he'll be regarded in theater history, I owe him one. Without him, I would not have improvisation in my life. Thanks, Paul.


THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"Elaine Fulps of Texas attended the Grand Praire Airhogs minor league baseball game and won what?"

60% said "A 1989 Geo Metro"
- No, but people are selling their old gas-saving Geos for what they paid for them brand new. Makes me wish I had held on to my '85 Chevette. No, wait, I couldn't. It disintegrated.

No one said "A spot on the team" or "An opportunity to be an ordained minister"

40% got it right with "A free funeral"

According to The Associated Press, Elaine Fulps is thrilled about the prize she won at a minor league baseball game. But she's hoping she doesn't have to collect on it anytime soon. Fulps, 60, won a $10,000 paid funeral at Tuesday night's Grand Prairie AirHogs game. Some finalists for the prize arrived dressed in black or looking like death. The finalists participated in a pallbearer's race, a mummy wrap and a eulogy delivery.

Sounds like a good idea for the Cubs the next time they blow it in the playoffs.

I wonder is they have "Floppy Hat Day" in heaven. Could she be that lucky?