News Quiz

THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"Thomas Howell, 71, of Cincinnati has been convicted in a road rage case that involved waving his gun at another motorist. This is unusual considering Howell is a what?"

42% said "Peace Activist"
- Hey, you get what you deserve when you cut off someone in a VW mini-van.

14% said "Cop"
- Would you really consider that unusual?

No one said "Librarian"
- He actually only waved a book about guns at the other driver.

42% got it right with "Preacher"

According to The Cincinnati Enquirer, a 71-year-old Cincinnati preacher has been convicted of aggravated menacing, after another motorist said he waved a gun and cursed at her. Thomas Howell could get up to six months in jail on the misdemeanor charge when he's sentenced Sept. 4.

Preachers packing heat? Guess that's what they mean by FIRE! and brimstone.

I Believe...

- I believe I may have been too harsh in my call yesterday for the complete annihilation of the United States in the event John McCain is elected office. There's only a small percentage of the people abusing their power and around half of the population happy to let them do so. Plus, we do still have some really cool national parks. And Cape Cod Robust Russet potato chips. But let's not take it off the table.

- I believe a better idea would be for Germany, France and England to form a coalition and invade us! Now! Our shorelines are well known for being poorly defended, in spite of our war of the word "terror."

There are a lot of great reasons to invade our country and rid us of our current government.

1) We have weapons of mass destruction and have threatened to use them.
2) We're being led by a tyrant who puts his own interests before the interests of the people.
3) We train terrorists (The 9/11 pilots who flew in to the World Trade Center towers learned to fly here.).
4) We're harboring terrorists (at Gitmo).
5) One could view our polluting and wasteful ways as a form of chemical warfare.
6) Tom Cruise lives here. (That's for Germany.)

If you're serious about fighting terrorists, then we're the nest of vipers you need to reign in. We will greet you as liberators. Well, at least half of us will. And you can make sure our elections are free and honest. And you can stay as long as you like as long as France cooks us dinners and gets us drunk on wine. We don't have any statues of George W. Bush for you to tear down, but there is that neon cowboy in Vegas. That'll do.

- I believe you only have seven shows left to see Metaluna and the Amazing Science of the Mind Revue. Its been a dozen years since the last production of it. Don't wait another twelve!


THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"Which of the following sports will NOT be featured at the summer Olympics?"

50% said "Men's Field Hockey"
- They play it. Skirts and all.

12% said "Handball"
- It's different than what we do in the states at health clubs, though. It's team handball and more like high-speed soccer only using your hands.

No one said "Badminton"
- This is the one that surprised me. What's next? Croquette and Lawn Darts?

38% got it right with "Bowling"

According to Time magazine and the International Olympics Committee, bowling is the only sport on the list that will not be played in Bejing. So, why isn't bowling a part of the Olympics? If they can do curling in the winter, they can certainly do bowling in the summer. My only guess is that it is the only sport where participants are required to drink beer.

Here's a picture of the more manly badminton.

An Open Letter to Germany, France and England

Dear Frau Chancellor, Mr. President and Mr. Prime Minister,

Wow! Pretty exciting getting to meet Barrack Obama, wasn't it? Charming, articulate fellow. Knows how to speak eloquently in front of large groups of people and in one-on-one conversations. Doesn't touch you inappropriately or giggle like a cartoon dog at his own jokes. Refreshing, isn't it? He really showed the world how presidential he can be. Almost gives you hope for America. We might actually be a country you can respect, again.

I thought so, too.

Until I saw our polls.

Oh, they all have Obama in the lead, but not by much. Only by a few points. Which is really quite astounding considering the competition. McCain doesn't know geography, often makes mistakes in regards to timelines and cultures,contradicts himself a lot, and has the worst sense of humor since, well, our current "chief." By the way, I think that's a very telling demonstration of leadership ability. All of our best presidents had a great sense of humor - Lincoln, FDR, Truman, Kennedy, Jefferson, etc. They were genuinely witty. And they could tell a joke. They also didn't rely on comedy writers to punch up their speeches. To me, this shows a level of smarts and communication skills essential for facing the day-to-day task of running the free world. It's not "the" ingredient, but it's an essential one.

Which brings me back to the polls. McCain couldn't tell a joke if he were being held hostage in Hanoi. To make sure we know he just told a joke, he splays that creepy grin across his swollen mug. And yet, he's only a few points behind in the polls. It's a little too painful of a reminder of when John Kerry and Al Gore ran for president. In all three of these cases, it should be a slam dunk. But it wasn't. Smart Guy vs Buffoon. Smart Guy wins, right? The republicans played the fear angle hard and are doing it, again. The sheep who prefer to make their choices based on ads than on any actual research eat that stuff up. And there was also some shady dealings the last two times in the elections in Ohio and Florida that makes one wonder what country we're living in - Zimbabwe?

According to the polls, at least half of us are sick of all the shenanigans this country has been pulling on the world. If we were a DVD, we'd be Countries Gone Wild. We'd be doing shots of oil, flashing our Grand Tetons and flipping you off. In the world party scheme of things, we're the obnoxious frat guy doing beer bongs, bogarting your joint, eating the last three slices of pizza and complaining when you run out of everything.

My letter is simply to request this from you. If in November, John McCain should win/steal the White House please, please, oh, please, bomb the shit out of us. Please - push the button(s). Our country is off the rails and will be beyond repair if McCain is put into office. Between the three of you, I think you can turn this country into a parking lot in no time. Divvy it up between the three of you, if you want it. But I fully expect you to turn this land from sea-to-shining-sea into burnt pizza crust. Give Alaska to the Canadians and give Hawaii back to the Polynesians.

If you don't, it's four-to-eight more years of massive pollution without regard for the environment, it's government bail-outs of big corporations while the middle class joins the ranks of the poor. More wealth will go directly into the pockets of the already filthy rich. And you'll have to put up with McCain's awkward jokes at summits. He might not try to give you uninvited back rubs, but that smile will make you feel like you had a bad touch.

Begging for a mercy killing,

Joe


THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"John McCain is speaking today (Monday) in South Dakota at the Sturgis Rally 2008 which features which of the following?"

37% said "greased pig competition"
- No, that's just Joe Lieberman hanging around, again.

25% said "tractor pull"
- I think that's some kind of groin injury McCain has.

No one said "pie-eating contest"
- Sophomoricly close to the right answer.

38% got it right with "women's wrestling"

According to The Huffington Post, the town of Sturgis, South Dakota witnessed, on Monday, the rare fusion of drunken debauchery, public stripteasing, motorcycle rallying, a live performance by Kid Rock, and - last but not least - a veterans-themed speech by presidential candidate John McCain. On Sunday, the McCain campaign announced that the Senator will participate in the Sturgis Rally 2008 at Buffalo Chip in South Dakota, an annual tribute to American veterans. As the presumptive nominee took the stage, the "Ringin' Wet & Wild" women's wrestling event took place on the main amphitheater. Two hours before then, the "Miss Buffalo Chip Beauty Pageant - Bikinis on the Beach" was staged at a different venue. That affair is described by ESPN's Jim Caple as "essentially a topless beauty pageant. And occasionally bottomless, too."

Well, I can't think of a better way to honor veterans. Screw proper medical care and retirement benefits. Let's show 'em some boobies.

Germany, France and England - I'm counting on you to do the right thing come the election.

Sorry I'm Late

THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Not too long ago, I asked...

"Judge Rob Murfitt of Wellington, New Zealand made a 9-year-old girl a ward of the court so her name could be changed. The name he took issue with was what?"

25% said "Vee Gina"
- Hold on..."Has anyone seen Vee Gina?"

8% said "Phyllis McCracken"
- I never knew Phil had a sister.

No one fell for "Ivana Tinkle"
- If your last name is "Tinkle," ain't nothin' gonna sound right.

66% got it right with "Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii"

According to The Associated Press, a family court judge in New Zealand has had enough with parents giving their children bizarre names here, and did something about it.

Just ask Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii. He had her renamed.

Judge Rob Murfitt made the 9-year-old girl a ward of the court so that her name could be changed, he said in a ruling made public Thursday. The girl was involved in a custody battle, he said.

The new name was not made public to protect the girl's privacy.

But they did release a photo of her.

Is There Life Before Death?

(The B & S World Headquarters employee break room. Photo by Roger O'Leary-Archer.)

Taking a break for a week. See you here next Monday. Don't be late.

- Joe

Stacked High

THEATRE REVIEW

Stacked: An Evening of Two One-Person Shows
Tuesday 7/29, 8 PM
Apollo Theater - studio
2540 N. Lincoln
773-935-6100
$10.

These two one-person shows are being performed together one more time on this upcoming Tuesday evening in preparation for both shows to perform separately at The New York Fringe Festival.

The Sound of One Hanna Clapping
Written and Performed by Hanna LoPatin
Directed by Ana Gasteyer


The Jazz Gallery
290 Hudson St.
New York, NY

Monday 8/18 @ 7:45
Tuesday 8/19 @ 5:30
Wednesday 8/20 @ 4:00
Friday 8/22 @ 8:30
Saturday 8/23 @ 1:30

FOR TICKETS CALL 1-888-FRINGENYC or go to www.fringenyc.org



Dingbat
Written and Performed by Nancy Friedrich
Directed by James Whittington


The Players Loft
115 MacDougal Street, 3rd Floor
(West side of MacDougal, just south of West 3rd Street)
SUBWAY: A, B, C, D, E, F, V to West 4th Street

WED 8/20 @ 7:00pm
THUR 8/21 @ 9:00pm
FRI 8/22 @ 5:15pm
SAT 8/23 @ 9:15pm
SUN 8/24 @ 12:15pm


FOR TICKETS CALL 1-888-FRINGENYC or go to www.fringenyc.org


Stacked is a solid evening of entertainment and worth several times the ten bucks you'll spend on a ticket here in Chicago. Tickets for the New York shows are $15 for each show, so, there you go shoppers. The best price for great shows is here in Chicago.

I saw the show last Tuesday. I don't know if the ladies switch off the order or not. Hanna did the opening slot with The Sound of One Hanna Clapping. In the interest of full disclosure, I have known Hanna for four or five years, now. She went through the writing program at Second City and was an active member of Teatro Bastardo. I'm already a huge fan of her abundant mad skills. Her show did what you expect a one-person show to do - it showcased her talent. She plays several of her songs, does monologues and even takes us on a hilarious silent journey through the possible relationship with her dream man, Michael Showalter (from Stella). They do not live - or die - happily ever after. Hanna has trouble making relationships work even in her fantasy life. She even puts to good use short video pieces that integrate well into the piece, as opposed to being "...and now here's a video I did that has nothing to do with the rest of the show."

The only beef I have with Hanna's show is that it explores her beliefs that her showbiz career has not turned out and that she is perpetually single. SHE'S ONLY 26! Hanna, your showbiz career is just getting started and, my God, woman, don't think about marriage until you're in your 30's. You're going to be too busy working that showbiz career. You're hot, your talented and ANA GASTEYER DIRECTED YOUR SHOW, FOR PETE'S SAKE!!!

My point is, I think you'll be fine. Things are working out for you. As a through line for the show, it was hard to buy into. That discrepancy, however, certainly didn't keep me from being entertained.

There are two kinds of one-person shows. The kind that do what Hanna's does, putting her life out on the stage for everyone to see. Then there's the other kind of show that Nancy Friedrich does. It's called Dingbat and showcases her skills as a character-based comedienne and it tells a story. And the story is remarkably and wonderfully weird. It's about a librarian in New York who marries a punk rock drummer and they move to a small town in South Dakota where the drummer is summarily eaten by bears. The story focuses on her grieving process, the intrusion of wacky, well-meaning neighbors and the return of her imaginary friend from childhood - Dingbat, a rope with bells on it and googly eyes. Nancy is outright a very funny person. Her characters have a soft spoken edge to them and underneath that surface seems to be some sort of surreal circus where the performers don't use nets or safety harnesses. Her nightmare Sex in the City/The Facts of Life dream sequence is a hard rock symphony of turn-on-a-dime character reactions. The only beef I have with Nancy's show is that is relies heavily on a narrator. No problem with that, except the voice-over artist is never credited and he's such an integral part of the story telling. (It's Noah Gregoropolous, by the way, who's got a nice Tom Bodet thing going on here.)

If you are in New York, see them. If you live in Chicago, you'd be foolish not to plop down the $10 to see both of these shows.



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"Dr. Edgar Mitchell claims aliens exist. He is uniquely qualified in this opinion because he what?"

60% said "Is an alien"
- The PhD is from his own planet and he really shouldn't be using the moniker here.

20% said "Has a guest house where they stay"
- Sure. Why not. OJ Simpson did that, too. What earth parent would name their kid Kato?

10% said "Has been probed - you know where"
- He has. He was drunk at the time. The alien totally took advantage of him.

10% got it right with "Has walked on the moon"

According to News.Com.Au, former NASA astronaut and moon-walker Dr Edgar Mitchell - a veteran of the Apollo 14 mission - has stunningly claimed aliens exist. And he says extra-terrestrials have visited Earth on several occasions - but the alien contact has been repeatedly covered up by governments for six decades.

Officials from NASA, however, were quick to play the comments down.

In a statement, a spokesman said: "NASA does not track UFOs. NASA is not involved in any sort of cover up about alien life on this planet or anywhere in the universe.

Here's a picture of the NASA official speaking at a press conference on the subject.

Strange and Satisfying

The Reader recommends you come see Metaluna. The review isn't on-line at the time of this posting, but it is in print. They plug us on their website's homepage with a picture of Regan in religious attire and whiteface. Oddly, they have linked us to info on Late Nite Catechism!

The Tribune has also reviewed us, but I couldn't find it on-line. Don has it posted at AWG.

Our second weekend starts tonight at 8pm at A Red Orchid! Come and get your Dada!


THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"Police were called to Dick's Market in Centerville, Utah because of a reported bomb that turned out to be what?"

30% said "Canned Ham"
- I think that's a description of Robert Downey, Jr's performance in Iron Man.

40% said "Package of Foot-Long Hot Dogs"
- That bomb goes off about 45 minutes after you eat them.

10% said "Rolled Oats"
- Quakers don't make bombs.

20% got it right with "String Cheese"

According to UPI, an employee of Dick's Market reported seeing a cylindrical device wrapped in duct tape near a dry ice cooler after police received a phone tip of a bomb in the store, the Ogden (Utah) Standard-Examiner reported Wednesday.

Centerville police Lt. Paul Child said the store was closed for about two hours while bomb sniffing dogs and a bomb technician ensured there was no real threat to the store. The device wrapped in duct tape turned out to be a piece of string cheese.

No arrests have been made. They believe it was an employee playing a prank. Me? I think it was a promotional stunt for these guys.