My Gods

The premise of Neil Gaiman's novel American Gods is simple and brilliant. Basically, the old school gods, like Pan, have disappeared or are on the wane, because people have stopped believing in them. We know they have stopped believing in them, because people no longer build temples to worship them. No worship, no god. It's a very co-dependent relationship. However, new gods have been created through our unconscious worshiping. The television is seen as an altar in every home that is worshipped on hours daily, thus creating a type of electronic god.

Based on that criteria, who are my gods?

1) The God of Dishes - Every morning, first thing I do, is feed the cats and wash the dishes. I stand before the stainless steel altar and cleanse my enchanted cookery and then place them on another altar that elevates them while they dry.

2) The God of Coffee - I used to go to church (Starbucks), but now I worship at home with my french press. The press - by taking it apart, cleaning it, reassembling it, boiling and pouring water, stirring the contents with my special plastic paddle, waiting four minutes, pressing the plunger - heightens the sense of ritual in my praising of the bean.

3) The God of Cats - I make offerings (food, toys), I groom them, I pet them, I scoop up their excrement and place it in a plastic bag. These gods have been around a long time, though. The Egyptians were hip to them.

4) The God of Trains - I tithe, I pass through special portals, I stand and wait, I enter and sit quietly in communion with others.

5) The God of Computers - I even have a special place for my computer. I sit in front of it for hours. It is quickly replacing my television god as a vessel of worship.

6) The God of Blogging - Every morning, five days a week, I write an entry that I hope will please the blogging gods and send my place on the Internet a bounty of hits and comments.

So, got any gods you've been worshipping?



THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"Paul McCartney would like to release a 14-minute experimental music track The Beatles recorded called what?"

40% said "Crap Beatles Fans Will Pay Big Money For"
- That's just the British release featuring Sir Paul wearing a butcher's outfit and holding bags of bloody money.

10% said "The Un-fair"
- Un-nope.

No one said "Circus of the Stares"

50% got it right with "Carnival of Lights"

According to The Associated Press, McCartney says he wants to release "Carnival of Light," a 14-minute experimental track the Fab Four recorded in 1967 but never released.

The band played the recording for an audience just once, at an electronic music festival in London. It reportedly includes distorted guitar, organ sounds, gargling and shouts of "Barcelona!" and "Are you all right?" from McCartney and John Lennon.

He said he had wanted to include the track on the Beatles' "Anthology" compilation, but was vetoed by his bandmates.

With some of the crap George and Ringo have put out in their solo careers (I know, blasphemer!), it has to be pretty bad for them to veto it.

But thanks to the miracle of the Internet, here's what purports to be a cover of that tune. So, you can decide for yourself if you really need the original to fill out your Beatles catalogue.

Steely Comedy

REVIEW: Le Coq Plastique

Le Coq Plastique (a farce)
Written and Directed
by Brian Crowley and Greg Wendling
Presented by Denise's Book Club

Through Nov 29th 2008

Saturdays at 7:30pm at Donny's Skybox

Tickets are $12, $10 for students,

$6 for training center students

(Disclosure: Greg Wendling is a member of Robot vs Dinosaur and Brian Crowly formerly so.)

Well, first off, so Don Hall will keep reading, this is not a farce. If anything, it is, as one of its press blurbs describes, an existential farce. But I hesitate to say that in case anyone interpret it as meaning, "Oh. It's a farce without the comedy." Nope. That's not it, either.

Le Coq Plastique lives in its own unique world wedged between being a short one-act play and being a sketch comedy revue.

As a sketch comedy revue, it breaks a lot of rules. We don't meet everyone in the show until the third scene. And then, we don't see the whole cast on stage together until the middle of the show. There's no big flashy opener, there's no big toe-tapping closer. There are sketches, though. Sketches interspersed between a main storyline. The sketches themselves do nothing to forward the story, but do illuminate us about the main characters.

As a play, it doesn't take itself too seriously and makes one feel as though they spent the evening at a small cocktail party at Rob and Laura Petrie's home.

This form seemed to throw the audience off a bit. It took a good 20 minutes for them to warm-up to the characters and stories unfolding on stage. It wasn't fitting the mold of what one would expect from a Skybox show, especially if it was chosen as an alternative to the sold out Second City sketch revues on the first floor of the building.

The main story has to do with a young suburban couple nervously prepping their home to be inspected by a magazine editor for a possible profile in her high society publication. Everything looks fine, except for the large dildo they find prominently displayed on a small pedestal in their living room. And thus, the mystery begins. How did it get there? How will they deal with it? They call their best friends over to help who are equally perplexed.

In spite of the presence of a very effective phallus, this is a clean, intelligent sophisticated comedy. The "play" takes place in the late 1950's, serving to heighten the upset with, at least our notion of, that day's gender and societal roles. The cast is also professionally and elegantly dressed which I think helps bring the audience along.

The cast is exceptional. Nick Cutelli, Heather Muth, Katie O'Brien, Evan O'Donnell and Annie Rijks all seem to get that they have one foot standing in a play and one foot standing in a sketch revue. Their commitment and emotional investment propel the story into fun Ionesco absurdism. if anything doesn't serve them, it's the space. I think the piece would be better served in a small theater with a grounded, simple set.

THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

On Friday, I asked...

"Orthodox priest Vitaly in the central region of Russia has complained to police about the theft of what?"

55% said "innocence"
- I think that happened several thousand years ago when someone stole some fruit from the tree of knowledge. Kind of blows that you steal some knowledge and all that you learn is that you are naked. You think you'd at least get enough smarts to build a car or something. At least be able to knit a sweater. Sticking a fig leaf on your weenie ain't exactly high learning.

No one said "a gold 10-foot crucifix" or "a statue of Jesus"

45% got it right with "a church"

According to The Associated Press, Orthodox officials in a central Russian region say an abandoned church building that was to be put back into use has been stolen by local villagers.

Orthodox priest Vitaly of the Ivanovo-Voskresenskaya diocese said officials last saw the two-story Church of Resurrection intact in late July. Sometime in early October, however, people from the nearby village of Komarovo, northeast of Moscow, dismantled the building, he said.

Villagers apparently sold it to a local businessman, one ruble (about 4 cents) per brick, Vitaly said. Orthodox priests use only one name.

"Of course, this is blasphemy," he told The Associated Press. "These people have to realize they committed a grave sin."

Vitaly said police were investigating the theft.

In the meantime, pictures of the church have shown up on the sides of cartons of goat's milk and officials have issued a myrrh alert.

Rewriting or Rehashing

So, the Comcast issue seems resolved. Between Mark, who commented on yesterday's entry and someone from the customer service center, my bill will be adjusted for the loss of three days. I had to volley a few e-mails with the customer service guy because I wasn't getting an answer at all on what happened. The final answer I got was "equipment failure." Well, okay. Hard to argue that point. My experience last year just makes me really suspicious of anything that happens with Comcast a month-ish after I move. I do want to reiterate that every time I have dealt with someone at Comcast they have been super nice and these two post-move issues are the only problems I have ever had with them. If I ever find out these customer representatives are sitting in a windowless room in India working 18 hour days and making five cents an hour, then I'll be pissed.


WRITER'S TIP

At the Robot vs Dinosaur meeting on Wednesday I brought in two scenes that were actually extracted from a play I wrote ten years ago. The play was a full length piece that should have only been a one act. In the one act version that exists in my head, these two scenes are cut. But I like them and think they have potential to stand on their own. I can't stress enough the importance of having people to reflect back to you what they hear in your work.

One of the scenes, about a 1950s one-armed vacuum cleaner salesman visiting a lonely housewife, I thought was perfect and done. I'd just be having it read to impress my compatriots on how awesome a writer I am. Turns out, that's the one that really needs the most work. The RvD boys pointed out some inconsistencies in what one of the characters was going for. More importantly, they pointed out in some of the housewife's lines where my own voice was clearly rearing up for a joke versus the character organically speaking. I see this all the time in writing classes where the writer has inserted a joke for the joke's sake even though it does nothing to forward the story or express the character's wants or needs.

It's easy to see it in someone else's work. And it's very hard to tell someone "That's a funny bit. I think you should cut it." Actually, it's more hard to hear than to say. But quite often, that's exactly what needs to be done to strengthen a scene. The joke that the writer thought was so precious in reality acts as a speed bump pooching the reality of the scene and thwarting the audiences ability, or willingness, to emotionally invest in the outcome.

Tell the story. Hang on to the joke. You might find a more authentic place for it somewhere else. Or be able to sell it to Yakov Smirnoff.


THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"What distinguishes 'Jules,' a robot built in Bristol, England, from other robots is the ability to do what?"

44% said "eat and make robot doo-doo"
- Robots don't go number 2. They go number 001 1011.

22% said "make realistic telephone interactions"
- Hmm. I wonder if they work for Comcast.

11% said "make up stories"
- A robot that lies? See Cheney, Dick.

22% got it right with "make realistic facial expressions"

According to The Daily Mail, scientists have created the first 'humanoid' robot that can mimic the facial expressions and lip movements of a human being.

'Jules' - a disembodied androgynous robotic head - can automatically copy the movements, which are picked up by a video camera and mapped on to the tiny electronic motors in his skin.

It can grin and grimace, furrow its brow and 'speak' as his software translates real expressions observed through video camera 'eyes'.

Whatever you do, don't give this guy arms and legs! We'll be in big trouble then.

Of course, Disney was ahead of these guys forty plus years ago...

...And We're Back!

Generally speaking, I like Comcast. Except when I move.

On Sunday afternoon, my cable and Internet went out. What was odd, is that my laptop still indicated I was getting a wi-fi signal, but I couldn't access the Internet. On the tube, I still had my DVR and channel guide, but kept getting an eternal "Just A Moment" window. Called Comcast, the friendly lady had me plug and unplug a few things to no avail. She thought it might have to do with my modem and set me up for a visit from a Comcast tech elf. No problem, really. I could access my e-mail from work and it just put a crimp in my blogging for a few days.

Wednesday afternoon, the cable guy comes by, takes a quick look at the "Just A Moment" screen and concludes it has nothing to do with my modem, someone turned off my service. He asked if I recently moved in and then informed me that sometimes when the previous tenant's service expires, the new tenant's service gets cut off, too. Now, I don't really know if that's what happened. My cable didn't get installed until a few days after I moved in and you can bet the first thing I did when I unpacked everything was hook up my TV to the existing cable and see if I lucked into any free HBO. Nope. No such luck. The only thing I do know, is that nothing was broken on my end. Comcast owes me three days of Internet and cable.

The upside. I read more. Currently reading American Gods by Neil Gaiman. Great book. Imaginative, profilific storyteller. I can hardly stand to be away from it. I also listened to more music and radio. Not so bad from that aspect, just a pain in the ass.

THE BS NEW QUIZ OF THE DAY

Almost a week ago (!), I asked...

"Steve Lipski, a New Jersey councilman, was arrested in Washington, D.C. for doing what?

18% said "soliciting a prostitute"
- Tough call in DC. Isn't everyone a prostitute there?

No one said "buying drugs in an alley" or "accepting money from lobbyists"

82% got it right with "urinating on a crowd"

According to The Associated Press, Lipski was in D.C. to see a Grateful Dead tribute band and was spotted relieving himself on a balcony onto a crowd of concertgoers by one of the club's staffers around 9:50 p.m., club sources told the Daily News. He was charged with simple assault.

"I've resolved not to touch alcohol again," two-term Jersey City councilman Steve Lipski told the Fox 5 New York.

He went on to say that the incident was "deeply humiliating, very embarrassing" and troubling," the Daily News reported.

The 44-year-old Democratic councilman refused to admit to the lewd stunt.

Of course, he's guilty. It's the "Trickled On" economics that politicians have been practicing for decades.

I think he was urinating when this picture was taken, too.

Check back Thursday

My modem is down and so am I. Boo-hoo. Komkast is coming out to fix it today.

Goomph!

Having a sneezy wheezy day and am sitting up to my waist in work that needs a-doing. Fortunately, the work is absorbent and I can blow my nose on it.

THAT BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

On Friday, I asked...

"According to Oxford University, number one on their top ten list of irritating phrases is what?"

55% said "Before I begin"
- Nope. That tops my list, though, because when someone says it they are oblivious to the fact that they already began.

23% said "It's not rocket science"
- There are lots of things "it" is not. It is also not correct.

7% said "I'd buy that for a dollar"
- That's only irritating in the near future in Old Detroit.

15% got it right with "At the end of the day"

According to the Telegraph, a top 10 of irritating expressions has been compiled by researchers at Oxford University.

Heading the list was the expression 'at the end of the day', which was followed in second place by the phrase 'fairly unique'.

The tautological statement "I personally" made third place – an expression that BBC Radio 4 presenter John Humphreys has described as "the linguistic equivalent of having chips with rice."

Also making the top 10 is the grammatically incorrect "shouldn't of", instead of "shouldn't have".

The phrases appear in a book called Damp Squid, named after the mistake of confusing a squid with a squib, a type of firework.

Irregardless...

It annoys the squid more than anything.

I Hate Writing

(Chris Othic so gently reminded me the other day that I used to write more about writing on this blog.)

"I hate writing. I love having written." - Dorothy Parker

That quote from the brilliant sardonic mind of Dorothy Parker sums up pretty well my feelings about writing. And I write a lot. Sometimes it is quite enjoyable, once I am in the flow of things, but most of the time, it's a chore. Yet, I write a lot. I have surprisingly amassed quite a body of work. BS, Inc. will have to hire an intern to organize it all. I attribute my prolificacy to two things...

1) I don't believe in writer's block. There's writing or not writing. If you find yourself stuck and not writing, try...writing.

2) I paint myself in to corners. I started this blog. I belong to a writer's group (Robot vs Dinosaur). I get involved in projects that require me to write (WNEP's Soiree Dada, The Armageddon Radio Hour, The Hopper Project, etc).

Left to my own devices, I usually won't get much done. I'm in the process of assembling some short works into an evening's worth of entertainment. I wasn't making any headway on it, because, quite simply, I'm lazy. It has finally started to come together because I told some friends about it and asked them to hold me accountable. I have set deadlines with them and check in with them on the progress.

So, write. So you can enjoy the fruits of having written.

THE BS WRITER'S TIP OF THE DAY

Overwrite.

Two friends of mine, Joe Linstroth of RvD and Bob Fisher of The Mammals have an interesting approach to writing. They overwrite. Intentionally. They write to explore the characters and avenues of a story. Joe will bring in a ten-page scene to RvD and it's up to the rest of us to help him find the five-page scene that lies within.

It's okay to view writing as a process. It is a process. You know your comedy sketch should really only be four-to-five pages which sometimes throws one's mind into editing before you are ready to edit. It's okay to write an eight-page scene and edit it down to five. However, if you overwrite, I think you need to make sure you do one of two things. Having a cooling off period. Write, write, write and then leave your scene alone for a week or more. That way, you can return to it with a fresh eye and piece out what works and what is not needed. Alternatively, or in addition to, have it read in a writer's group. Quite often, brand new sets of eyes and ears will be able to point you in the direction of where the heart of your scene is.

THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"On Facebook, just a day after the election, groups have sprung up calling for Barak Obama's what?"

19% said "deportation"
- Right! Send him back where he came from. Hawaii! Stupid Polynesian Muslim socialist motherfucker.

18% said "coronation"
- I don't think he'll trade in that halo for a crown.

9% said "third term"
- Not yet.

54% said "impeachment"

According to BreitBarrt.com, Barack Obama has not even been sworn in yet as the 44th president of the United States but groups are springing up online calling for his impeachment.

On Facebook, an "Impeach Barack Obama" group has attracted more than 700 members and a lively debate about the Democrat's election victory on Tuesday over Republican John McCain.

Another Facebook group of the same name has 160 members and urges others to join because "we might as well get a head start on the impeachment of Obama."

"There are a lot of Americans out there that do not fully understand the concept of Socialism or Communism which is why they've elected Obama as president," it says.

Yet another Facebook group, "Impeach Barack Hussein Obama," has 160 members.

It decries that Obama "has voiced support for various unconstitutional programs such as the assault weapons ban, universal healthcare, and various schemes for wealth distribution."

"What are we going to do about it? IMPEACH HIM!" it says.

Obama still has some way to go, however, to equal the number of "Impeach George Bush" groups on Facebook, which lists at least 95 such groups with varying membership.

Well, I guess the thing for most of us to remember is that there are over 50 million people out there who are pissed their guy didn't win.