Week Four, Day Twenty-Five -"NPR, Part I"

“NPR, Part I”
Written by Joe Janes
2/12/09
25 of 365

CAST:
Announcer
Akmed Glasheed
Ira Glass

(This is an audio piece designed to be heard between live action scenes.)

ANNOUNCER

In these tough economic times, organizations that rely heavily on charitable contributions are struggling to make ends meet. This has forced them to become more aggressive in their solicitation of funds. Organizations like National Public Radio…

AKMED (over instrumental middle eastern music)

……Coming up, we’ll be talking to Abdul Hafiz Mansoor, a thirteen-year-old Afghan boy who wants to kill all infidel Americans so he can go to heaven…and we’ll give him a few suggestions from experts on the best ways he can do that…I’m Akmed Glasheed. You’re listening to This Taliban Life.

(Middle Eastern music fades, light jazz comes in)

IRA GLASS

Does the thought of a show like that scare you? It should…It could happen… Hello…I’m radio’s Ira Glass. You know me from my show, This American Life. Since 9/11, this American life, the one we all live, has been under attack by devious forces. These are the kinds of soulless evildoers who wouldn’t think twice about hijacking a commercial jet airliner and flying it into our weekly program. What can you do to protect our airwaves? To preserve the freedom you have to tune in to me? Give generously to this NPR station. Donate now, before it’s too late. Put $911 on your credit card in the next hour, and I will come to your door and kiss you on the mouth. It’s that important… I’m Ira Glass.

IMPROVISED SHAKESPEARE

I'm playing in the show Friday night at iO at 8pm in The Del Close Theater. Come check us out.

Week Four, Day Twenty-Four -"Gravy Boat"

“Gravy Boat”
Written by Joe Janes
2/11/09
24 of 365

Cast:
Gert, 60s
Richard, 60s
Jeff, 30s
Clive, 40s

(Lights up on Richard and Gert setting up a yard sale. Gert is setting knick-knacks and such out on a folding table. Richard is pulling out a push lawn mower.)

GERT

We should have done this years ago.

RICHARD

You just never know, Gert. You might sell something and then tomorrow you go looking for it.

GERT

You really think you’re going to miss that lawn mower?

RICHARD

Never know. The riding mower breaks down, we don’t have a back up, next thing you know we’re drowning in weeds.

GERT

We’ll take our chances, Richard. Now go bring that table tennis eyesore up from the basement.

RICHARD

Aye, aye, my sweet.

(He exits. Gert starts setting up dishes. Jeff enters.)

JEFF

Still setting up, Gert?

GERT

We might just run out of yard for our yard sale, Jeff. You’re here early.

JEFF

Saw the flyer down at the laundr-o-mat. Love these things. Early bird gets the (picks something up off the table) pink plastic poodle piggy bank.

GERT (confidentially)

I’ll pay you to take that damn thing.

JEFF

Jeannie would kill me. Mind if I poke around while you’re setting up?

GERT

Go right ahead.

JEFF

I always like to be first to these things. Ya’ never know.

GERT

One man’s trash is another man’s treasure.

JEFF

More ways than one. Saw this one guy on Antiques Roadshow last night that bought a blanket for two bucks at a rummage sale. Turns out it was worth $5,000. For a blanket someone else was about to throw out.

GERT

Really?

JEFF

Sure. Happens all the time.

(Richard enters with table tennis thing.)

RICHARD

Our first customer! We made a sale, yet?

JEFF

Sorry, Richard, not yet.

RICHARD

Help me with this, Gert.

GERT (watching Jeff)

Sure thing.

(Jeff picks up a dish.)

JEFF

Don’t see these too much.

RICHARD

What’s that?

JEFF

What do they call these? A gravy boat. Is there a matching gravy ladle?

GERT (looking at Richard who shakes his head no)

I don’t think there ever was one.

JEFF

How much you want for it?

GERT

Gee, I don’t know-

RICHARD

Let me show you how this is done, Gert. (Richard takes the boat from Jeff and studies it while obviously putting on an act). Well, you know, I’d hate to let this one go, Jeff. Been in the family for generations. You could even call it an heirloom. Like the tomato. But if I had to, I suppose I could let you have for two dollars, cash.

JEFF (laughing)

Sold!

GERT (grabbing boat)

Oh, no, you don’t! Can’t you see he’s trying to take advantage of us?

RICHARD

Gert!

GERT

Ask yourself, Richard. Why would a young man like this want a gravy boat? What’s he going to do with it?

RICHARD

Use it to contain his excess gravy?

JEFF

Actually, I was thinking it might be good for keeping loose washers and bolts in.

GERT

Nice try.

RICHARD

Can’t believe you’re making such a fuss over two dollars.

GERT

Tell him, Jeff.

JEFF

Tell him, what?

GERT

About Antiques Roadshow. You found treasure in our trash.

JEFF

I found a gravy boat in your trash.

GERT

He’s trying to make a fortune off us.

RICHARD

How is he going to make a fortune off a two-buck gravy boat?

GERT

He buys it here for a few measly dollars, then he gets it appraised on TV and finds out its worth thousands of dollars.

JEFF

That’s ridiculous, Gert. If I were going to try to rip you off, why would I even bother telling you about Antiques Roadshow?

GERT

I don’t know, maybe you’re not very good at this.

RICHARD (sighs)

Gert… Assuming Jeff is even interested in still buying it, what do you think is a fair price for this gravyless gravy boat, Gert? Sorry about this, Jeff. Ever since we scaled back on her prescription meds, she’s been kind of surly.

GERT

I won’t part with this gravy boat for anything less than five hundred dollars.

JEFF

What?

RICHARD

You have flipped your lid, Gert.

JEFF

Five hundred dollars. For a gravy boat at a two-bit yard sale? I wouldn’t give you five hundred dollars for this whole pile of thrift store crap you’ve dumped on your overgrown lawn.

RICHARD

Hey, now.

JEFF

If this is how you are going to treat your customers, good luck selling a speck of the rest of your “treasures.” (He exits. Richard looks at Gert disappointed. She looks like she may have really screwed up. Jeff rushes back in.) I’ll give you two hundred cash.

GERT

Sold!

(He hands her the cash and she hands him the boat. He leaves.)

RICHARD

You’re in charge of sales, then. I’ll keep my mouth shut. Table tennis?

(They play. Fade to Antiques Roadshow)

CLIVE

Well, it looks to me that what we have here is a Lichtenstein-Graf antique gravy boat, which many people, even today, use to serve delicious gravy at the dinner table. Usually for more formal occasions, such as Thanksgiving. This particular piece has been around for generations. You could even call it an heirloom. Handcrafted. It’s nearly priceless.

JEFF

Really?

CLIVE

Nearly, but without the matching ladle, I can only place its value at two dollars.

JEFF

I’ll take three.

(Clive smacks three bucks down on the table.)

CLIVE

Deal. (Clive grabs the gravy boat and takes a matching ladle out of his suit coat.)

CLIVE (continuing)

You’re home, baby. You’re home!

(Jeff smacks himself in the head. blackout)

ZED WINS THIS WEEK

So, the Moustache-A-Thon continues. Last night, 826 hosted a preliminary meet-up and good ol' Zed won second place in the organic category. Congrats, Zed! And, yes, the prize was a bag of homemade caramel popcorn. Yum! Next week, is the final night of the competition. You can get your sponsorship dollars in by clicking HERE!

Week Four, Day Twenty-Three -"Looking Great"

“Looking Great”
Written by Joe Janes
2/10/09
23 out of 365

CAST:
Rob
Jennifer

(Lights up on Rob stepping out of a door into an alley. He wears a business suit. He takes out a pack of cigarettes and lights up. A moment later, Jennifer, in a woman’s business outfit, steps in to the alley. )

ROB

Hey, Jennifer. Haven’t seen you in, like, ages.

JENNIFER

Hey, Rob.

(Jennifer lights a cigarette. It seems like her first in a long time. She is really savoring it.)

JENNIFER (continuing)

It’s been a long time.

ROB

Did you lose weight? You look great.

JENNIFER

I did. I dropped about 35 pounds.

ROB

Wow. Well, you look great. How’d you do it?

JENNIFER

I got cancer.

ROB

Oh.

(Long awkward pause.)

ROB (continuing)

Well, you look great.

(They continue smoking. Lights fade.)

Week Four, Day Twenty-Two -"Macbeth"

“Macbeth”
Written by Joe Janes
2/9/09
22 of 365

CAST:
Jasper, 40s
Nick, 30s
Stage Manager (VO)

(Lights up on Jasper sitting downstage out to the audience putting on stage make-up in a dressing room. He is being very quiet and mindful. He is running through lines in his head and at one point, grabs the script, flips through it, checks it, rolls his eyes and goes back to putting on make-up. Nick enters, whistling Andrew Lloyd Webber’s “The Music of the Night” and carrying an open wet umbrella and a pair of shoes. He places the shoes on the make-up table. Jasper is clearly perturbed by this.)

NICK (shaking out his umbrella – opening and closing it)

Raining cats and dogs, Jasper. Big cats, bigger dogs. All foaming at the mouth.

JASPER

Nick. Nick! I know you are new to all this, but what you are doing right now is very, very bad.

NICK

Doing what?

JASPER

Opening an umbrella inside, repeatedly, placing your shoes on a table, whistling…it’s all considered bad luck

NICK

That’s pretty silly, Jasper. How could any of that have any affect on our show?

JASPER

I don’t know. But it is best not to tempt the fates (he indicates for Nick to remove the shoes. Nick puts them on the floor and puts his umbrella outside the door. As the scene continues, they pantomime putting on elaborate wigs and costumes.)

NICK

Boy, there sure are a lot of rules for just putting on a costume and playing make believe.

JASPER

Is that all this is to you? A big game of cowboys and injuns?

NICK

Sort of, but with lines and blocking. And a buttload of superstitions.

JASPER

Don’t you have any superstitions?

NICK (pulling a play out of his bag and looking at it)

Not really. No. I don’t even care of you spill salt around me or walk under a ladder. I’ve got a pair of lucky socks, but you know, they aren’t always lucky. Deep down, I think they’re just socks.

JASPER

Well, just realize that we theater folk are pretty superstitious. Even if you’re not, you should be respectful.

NICK

No problem there. I’m having a lot of fun, Even though I’m essentially just a spear-carrier who also moves scenery, I’m having a good time.

JASPER

Well, I suppose at the end of the day, that’s the important thing. Having fun. What are you reading?

NICK

I have an audition coming up so I thought I better take a look at the play. Macbeth. That’s how you say it, right? Macbeth?

JASPER (freaked and yelling)

Jumping Jehosaphat, Nick! Never, never utter the title of that play inside a theater, ever!!! Do you hear me? Ever! That play is cursed. Evoking the name of (whispering) the Scottish play – is verboten. Bad, bad things happen.

NICK

Just because I said Macbeth.

JASPER

And now you said it three times! Those other superstitions, I grant you, silly. Ridiculous, even. This one, don’t fuck with it. I was in a play once and the director, jokingly, said that word three times during a laughingly bad dress rehearsal. (mocking) “Could be worse, we could be doing MmMmmm” Opening night, the lead actress stepped on broken glass while barefoot backstage and couldn’t go on. The next night, it monsooned and the costume shop in the basement flooded ruining all the costumes. The third night, the power went out on the entire block. We had to cancel and refund the tickets to a sold out show. We were closed by Sunday.

NICK

Wow. I didn’t know. Who knew a play written 500 years ago would have so much power. I take it back. Can I do that? Take it back?

JASPER

I don’t think it works that way.

STAGE MANAGER (VO on intercom)

Attention, cast and crew. We are five minutes to curtain for Andrew Lloyd Weber On Ice. Act One, scene one performers please report to places.

JASPER

Well, that’s me. No more saying that word, Nick. Promise me.

NICK

You got it, Jasper.

(Jasper exits)

NICK

Good luck!

(Offstage Jasper trips over Nick’s umbrella. He falls and yelps in pain. He limps back in.)

JASPER

The proper expression is “break a leg.”

(Lights out.)

MOUSTACHE-A-THON CONTINUES

Shout out to Garin for sponsoring Good Ol' Zed in the 826 Moustache-A-Thon. You can throw your support to this fine educational organization, and to my moustache Zed, by clicking HERE.

MADE IN THE USA

The second sketch I posted for the 365 project dealt with the trade deficit and how nearly everything in America is frustratingly manufactured in China. This came up while trying to buy a pair of shoes at my usual places. Happy to announce that I went to a New Balance store and found these wonderful walking around in shoes. I was looking at them in the store and a woman in a postal uniform pointed at them and praised them. If that ain't an endorsement, I don't know what is. They are a great pair of shoes. It's like I'm walking on a very firm cloud.

Week Three, Day Twenty-One - "Medusa"

“Medusa”
Written by Joe Janes
2/8/09
21 of 365

CAST:
Medusa, ?
Steve, 30s
Cable Guy, 20s

(Steve enters his apartment. He carries a shiny oval dish and a small plate of cookies covered in plastic wrap. He shakes his head in disgust as he walks past a stone statue of a large man crouched down with his butt cleavage exposed. Medusa enters suddenly and startles him. She carries a small flower and a doily.)

STEVE

Medusa!

MEDUSA

Steve! You’re home early.

(Medusa places the doily on the back of the statue and sticks the flower in the crack of the statue’s ass. Steve uses the reflection on his dish to look at her.)

STEVE

There was a birthday party at work. The boss gave us the rest of the day off.

MEDUSA

Cookies!

(Steve hands her the small plate. She devours one.)

STEVE

Home made chocolate chip.

MEDUSA

Home made?

STEVE

Yeah. Connie made them.

(Medusa tries to spit out what she has already consumed.)

MEDUSA

Connie’s a whore!

STEVE

She’s an administrative assistant!

MEDUSA

Whore!

STEVE

Medusa! Honey. We need to talk.

MEDUSA

No we don’t. We don’t need to talk. Look, the cable guy was here. Isn’t that nice? We have HBO, now.

STEVE

I see the cable guy was here. And now he’s a vase.

MEDUSA

He patronized me, Steve. You know how I hate that. He treated me like I was just some dumb housewife. You keep me cooped up in this apartment all day.

STEVE

We agreed to that and because of this very thing. And because of your jealousy. If you just turn people to stone because they bug you, then every time you went to the Jewell you’d turn it into a rock garden.

MEDUSA

Uh – those TCF people are worthless. Don’t get me started.

STEVE

This isn’t working.

MEDUSA

You’re breaking up with me?

STEVE

We’re just too different.

MEDUSA

Mortals do not break up with Gorgons.

STEVE

Yeah, see. That was a threat. That’s part of the problem.

MEDUSA

That wasn’t a threat. I was merely stating a fact. Mortals don’t break up with Gorgons.

STEVE

The way you said it sounded like a threat. You have anger issues.

MEDUSA

That pisses me off. You have no idea what it’s like to be me. Slither in my shoes for awhile. I can’t go out unchaperoned. Even if I wanted to work, I’m overqualified for every mortal job there is. It’s because you think I’m ugly.

STEVE

That was sudden and not it.

MEDUSA

There’s not a lot I can do about my looks, Steve. My only options are “snakes up” or “snakes down.”

STEVE

It’s not your looks. I never see you. Directly.

MEDUSA

Then it’s the sex. You’re bored already! Athena was right. Why buy the serpent when you can get the venom for free.

STEVE

Why does this have to be so hard? You’re not happy here. Can’t you see this isn’t working?

(She takes another cookie.)

MEDUSA (with mouth full)

Steve. I moved from my lair in Libya to Chicago just to be with you.

STEVE

I know. You made a tremendous sacrifice. I can’t help but think we were just too impulsive.

MEDUSA

But your e-mails were so romantic. And that picture of you at the Leaning Tower of Pisa where the tower leans one way and you lean another. I fell in love when I saw that picture.

STEVE

Your pictures were all blurry.

MEDUSA

It’s hard for me to find a good photographer. They’re only good for about a second.

(Steve takes her by the hand. They hold each other.)

STEVE

I think we moved in together too quickly.

MEDUSA

We just need to give it more time.

STEVE

I do like holding you and looking into your neck.

MEDUSA

I like wrapping all available appendages around you.

STEVE

You know, you don’t always turn an entire person into stone.

MEDUSA

Sometimes my efforts are more concentrated.

STEVE

Maybe I was being too impulsive, again. Let’s talk about this later. Until then, I’ll go put on the Joe Cocker CD in the bedroom.

MEDUSA

Put on the blindfold, too, lover.

(He exits. Medusa kicks the statue. He stands.)

CABLE GUY (whispering)

Sheesh. Thanks for making me endure that very special episode.

MEDUSA

Get out of here, Julio. But be back tomorrow. I may want to upgrade to a more premium channels.

(She slaps his butt and she exits to the bedroom as Joe Cocker’s “You Are So beautiful” begins to play. The cable guy pulls the flower out of his butt crack and sniffs it. Lights fade.)

Week Three, Day Twenty - "Another One of Those Blackouts"

“Another One of Those Blackouts, And, Really, Stop Worrying. I’m Fine”
Written by Joe Janes
2/7/09
20 of 365

CAST:
Blindfolded Guy
Another Guy
Everyone Else

(Lights up on cast. One person is blindfolded and is being spun in a circle by the others who count off the spins while laughing and giggling.)

CAST

5…6…7…8…9.10!!!

ANOTHER GUY

Shhh…. Shhh…Run…Run…

(He chases everyone off. They all run out towards the audience, leaving the Blindfolded Guy center stage. Another Guy quickly puts on a military cap and stands stage left.)

ANOTHER GUY

Fire!!!

(We hear a volley of gunshots as Blindfolded Guy is shot. Blackout.)

Week Three, Day Nineteen - "Hemlock"

(This is Friday's post. I posted after midnight last night.)

“Hemlock”
Written by Joe Janes
2/6/09
19 of 365


Cast:
Ari, 20s
Roger, 20s

(Ari, a slight, nerdy looking fellow, is adjusting a noose over a pipe in the ceiling of his dorm room. He stands on a chair. He gets down off the chair and gives everything the once over. There is a goblet on a table. He picks it up, but before he sips, he closes his eyes and thinks for a moment. He then holds his nose and drinks about half of it. He almost chokes it back up but manages to keep it down. He gets back on the chair. He stands for a moment, going over everything in his head. He then takes a small plastic “carry out” bag out of his back pocket and puts it over his head. He then puts the noose on over top of that and appears to tighten the rope around his neck. The plastic bag begins to balloon in and out. Roger enters. He is taller and heavy set. He puts his backpack down and takes off his jacket. He notices Ari, but makes no big deal about it. The ballooning is becoming slower. Roger goes over to a small dorm refrigerator and takes out a beer. He sits at his desk. The bag has stopped ballooning. Roger turns on the computer at his desk and we hear the Mac start-up orchestration. Ari, startled, jumps a bit and claws an opening in the bag for his face to come out.)

ARI

Roger!

ROGER (at computer)

Hi, Ari.

ARI

I didn’t expect you home. Don’t you have Calculus?

ROGER

Cancelled. The teacher went to Ireland or something at the last minute. We think he got somebody pregnant.

ARI

Really? Professor Bowen? The guy with the turkey neck?

ROGER

Yeah.

ARI

Who did he get pregnant?

ROGER

We don’t know. We were just speculating. What have you been up to?

ARI

I was just killing myself.

ROGER

You were? I thought you were doing something else.

ARI

Doing what else?

ROGER

You know, that thing. Autoerotic asphyxiation.

ARI

Ew. No. That’s gross. I’m just killing myself.

ROGER

Hey, I’m not here to judge. Why the bag?

ARI

Oh, this is brilliant. You'll appreciate this. The bag was to get me to a point of passing out so I fall off the chair and hang myself. It also speeds up the poison I ingested so I feel less pain.

ROGER

Is it working?

ARI

I do feel all tingly.

ROGER

Well, don’t let me interrupt you, dorm buddy. You do what you need to do. I’ll do what I need to do.

ARI

What do you need to do?

ROGER

I need to look at this computer screen. I’ve been looking at people all day and I need a break.

ARI

Yeah. People suck. That’s why I’m killing myself.

ROGER (commiserating)

Tell me about it.

ARI

There’s this girl in my astronomy class. Erika. With a “k.”

ROGER

It’s sexier that way.

ARI

Everything about Erika is sexier. At the planetarium, when everyone, including Erika, was looking up, all I could do was stare at her mandible.

ROGER

What part is that?

ARI

It’s her jaw. Specifically, I was looking at where her jaw hinges to her neck.

ROGER

Is that dirty?

ARI

I felt dirty. Especially when I followed her neckline all the way down-

ROGER

To her boobs?

ARI

Her clavicle. The cradle to my soul. I see her and it hurts too much to be me inside.

ROGER

Have you asked her out?

ARI (hopeful)

Do you honestly think a man like me has a chance with a woman like Erika?

ROGER

No. I’m just doing that thing people are supposed to do when they hear people say stuff like that.

ARI (crushed)

That’s what people do. They give other people hope instead of telling them the truth. That’s why I hate them. It’s just a set up for more hurt. Bigger hurt. All in the name of trying to be nice. It’s not nice at all.

(Roger has finished his beer and now sips from the goblet.)

ROGER

That’s pretty good. Did you put that in your note?

ARI

My note? Oh, for the love of Pete! I forgot the note. I remembered the rope, the plastic bag and the poison, but I forgot the note. Oh, what a fool am I! I really don't deserve to live. Roger! Roger! You must write my note for me. Hurry. Before it’s too late.

ROGER (grabs some Post-Its)

Yeah, yeah, go ahead. Go ahead.

ARI

Not on a Post-It note! I’m dying here, not going to the 7/11 for cigarettes.

ROGER

Sheesh, Ari, I’m just trying to help. You don’t even like my handwriting.

ARI

Handwriting would indicate it looked like a human wrote it. You have clawwriting.

ROGER

I’ll print in big letters and, here, I’ll use this.

ARI

What is it?

ROGER

It’s paper, see?

ARI

What’s on the other side?

ROGER

It’s a “to go” menu from Pickles ‘n’ Pizza, but it’s only printed on one side. You want to do this or not?

ARI

Fine. Fine…. Okay…Okay…Don’t start yet.

ROGER

I didn’t start.

ARI

I saw you writing.

ROGER

Just the date. Now, go.

ARI

Don’t rush me. It’s my funeral. The funeral! I planned nothing. Damn it all to hell! Okay… Here we go… To Whom It May Concern… I, Aristotle Sugar Lomarr, have most nobly chosen to leave this ever-maddening ball of wet clay. And I do so with dignity, with my head held high. Where other unhappy souls may choose life and soldier on through the drudgery of mortality, I have chosen to make a graceful exit to take my place amongst the dust and the wind. I excuse myself as I would do at any party at which I felt uncomfortable, which is all of them. I quietly take my leave. Adieu…. Post Script - Please bury me in the quad… near the rock where Erika sits and… reads from her hardcover editions of… Jane Austin novels. …Tell mother… and father… I tried.

(During Ari’s monologue, Ari becomes weaker and slower, and completely stops at the end. Roger looks at the note and finishes off the contents of the goblet.)

ARI (continuing weakly)

Oh, and Roger…

ROGER

Yeah, Buddy?

ARI

Don’t drink out of that goblet. It’s hemlock. (He dies. Roger starts trying to throw up in a basket. Lights fade as we hear the music intro to the TV news…)

ANCHOR (VO)

Tragedy at Drexel University today. Two students, a philosophy major and mathematics major, roommates at Kelly Hall dorm, have taken their lives in what appears to be a homosexual murder-suicide love pact in a ritual involving autoerotic asphyxiation. Officers said they found a possible suicide note that reads “Fine. Fine. Okay. Okay. Don’t start yet.” But then becomes indecipherable due to extremely poor penmanship.