Week 27, Day 184 - "Disco Heaven"

“Disco Heaven”
Written by Joe Janes
7/21/09
184 of 365

CAST
Alan, 40s
Nina, 40s

(Lights up on Alan sitting in a chair. He is by himself off to the side and looks a little confused. He wears a tuxedo and “Happy New Year” paper hat. Nina enters on the other side of the stage. As she opens the door she’s entering from, we hear disco music. It silences when she closes the door.)

NINA

Alan?

ALAN

Yes?

NINA

Come on over here and have a seat. I have a few questions.

(Alan does what he’s told because he really doesn’t see any reason to do much of anything else.)

ALAN

I’m not sure how I got here.

NINA

Well, we still have to process you, so wherever you might think you are, you’re not there yet.

(He sits and Nina sits across from him.)

ALAN

Where am I?

NINA

You have no idea?

ALAN

Am I dead?

NINA

You’re alive. Your body’s dead. Your soul is here.

ALAN

How-

NINA

But let’s not get bogged down in all the ethereal details. A lot of people die every day and there’s a lot of work for me to do.

ALAN

Is this heaven?

NINA

No.

ALAN

Oh, no. Oh, no. Masturbation! All that self-pleasuring. I knew it was no good for me. Is it too late to ask for forgiveness?

(Nina gets up and moves towards the door.)

NINA

Alan. (She opens the door and we hear the disco music again.) This is heaven. (She closes it and crosses to the other side of the stage and opens a door. We hear muffled dialogue and some soundtrack music.) This is hell. Eternities of listening to your neighbor loudly watch an endless stream of films starring stand-up comedians. (She closes that door and comes back into the room) This (indicates the room) is neither heaven nor hell. We’re going to determine if we can get you from that seat into one of those two rooms. And, yes, it is too late to ask for forgiveness. You’re dead. You missed your window of opportunity. But if I kept people out for playing with themselves, heaven would be a very lonely place, don’t you think? Are we clear?

ALAN

Um, okay. Sure. I’m game. Let’s do this. What do I have to do to get into heaven?

NINA (sitting)

I just need to ask you a few questions. Get to know you a bit. Aside from chronic masturbation, what other interests do you have?

ALAN

Interests?

NINA

Yes.

ALAN

Well, I love the Bible. Just love it. Great read. All those thee's, thou's, begats and begots. Love the church. All the kneeling and praying and wine drinking. If I could go to church seven days a week, I would…have.

NINA

Alan. I need you to be honest in this process. Don’t tell me things that aren’t true because you think I want to hear them.

ALAN

Okay. Point taken. I help the homeless.

NINA

How do you help the homeless?

ALAN

By not disturbing them.

NINA

Alan. What do you do for fun?

ALAN

Fun?

NINA

Yes. Fun. What does Alan do to have a good time?

ALAN

Other than-?

NINA

Yes. Other than.

ALAN

Well, you can see by how I’m dressed that I like to party.

NINA

Alan. Your body was found alone in your studio apartment. You died trying to heat up a can of Cheez-Whiz on the stove while rocking with Ryan Seacrest on the tube.

ALAN

I died in my quest for warm cheese.

NINA

Yes. And it doesn’t sound like you were having a lot of fun.

ALAN

To get into heaven, I need to prove to you that I can have a good time?

NINA

The only real mortal sin is boredom.

ALAN

What about murder?

NINA

That’s still bad, but boredom trumps murder. If you had bored someone to death, we wouldn’t be having this conversation. Heaven is forever. We want people we can hang with and enjoy. Not people who shut themselves up in their room and whack off. Those people to hell. And there’s no porn in hell.

ALAN

No porn in hell? That doesn’t seem right.

NINA

It does if you want people to not have a good time. The only thing to masturbate to in hell is the muffled voice of Rob Schneider.

ALAN

I’m a fun guy.

NINA

You’re not convincing me. You worked eight-to-ten hour days doing data entry, ate lunch out of vending machines alone in the employee break room, ate frozen entrees for dinner. Spent your evenings watching television with the remote in one hand and your genitalia in the other.

ALAN

But my weekends-

NINA

More television, more masturbating, less work. Heaven is a party. You have all the earmarks of a buzz kill. I’m afraid-

ALAN

Wait. Wait. Give me another chance. I…I…I-I-I-I…do…impressions.

NINA

You do impressions?

ALAN

Yes. All the time. Around the apartment. I never did them for anybody, but they really crack me up. I think people will enjoy it.

NINA

Okay. Amaze me.

ALAN

Um… Okay… (He switches to a duck voice) “Frankly, Scarlet, I don’t give a damn.”

NINA

That was -?

ALAN

Oh, I forgot to tell you. All my impressions are celebrities as ducks. That was Clark Gable, as a duck.

NINA

Do another one.

ALAN (as a duck)

“That’s one small step for man, a giant leap for mankind – quack, quack, quack, quack!”

NINA

That’s delightful! I love it.

ALAN (as a duck)

“I’m glad you like it, pilgrim.”

NINA

John Wayne! Come with me, Alan. You’re going to heaven.

(Nina moves to the door with Alan in tow.)

ALAN

Yay! I mean (duck voice) "yay!"

NINA

Can you do Donald Duck?

ALAN

Uh, no. I can’t do celebrity ducks.

(Nina looks at the door to hell and then back.)

NINA (opening heaven’s door, “Disco Duck” is playing)

That’s okay. Keep it under your hat.

ALAN (awkwardly and enthusiastically hugs Nina)

Thanks, Nina.

NINA

You’re welcome, you’re welcome. Go before I change my mind.

(They both start dancing as they walk into heaven. Nina closes the door behind here, shutting out the music. Blackout.)

Week 27, Day 183 - "Dry Dock"

“Dry Dock”
Written by Joe Janes
7/20/09
183 of 365

CAST
Eric, 20s
Graham, 20s
Cheri, 20s
Tamara, 20s

(Lights up on Graham sitting at his desk working. Nearby, are two other desks, presently vacant. Eric enters.)

ERIC

Graham!

GRAHAM

Hi, Eric.

ERIC

Hey, Buddy. I’ve been thinking about you.

GRAHAM

Okay…?

ERIC

Dude, you need to go out with me this weekend. My sister’s in town.

GRAHAM

You’re trying to fix me up with your sister?

ERIC

You’ll thank me for it. LuAnn is so frickin’ easy.

GRAHAM

Man, that’s gross. You don’t arrange for someone to hook up with your sister.

ERIC

I’m doing it for you. You broke up with Louisa last year. When was the last time you got laid?

GRAHAM

A year and a half ago.

ERIC

Time to let a new dog gnaw on that bone of yours.

GRAHAM

You’re calling your sister easy and a dog?

ERIC

No, dude. It’s a metaphor. Or an analogy. She’s not a dog. Here, look. (He shows her a picture on his cell phone.)

GRAHAM

That’s Loni Anderson.

ERIC

Exactly. She looks like Loni Anderson. 1970s WKRP Loni Anderson. Not whatever Loni Anderson looks like now. Trust me, my sister is just what you need. You’ve been so tense lately. Let me call her. You guys meet for drinks. Her fav is Jagermeister and Sprite. I’ll tell her to wear that tube top that really shows off her boobs.

GRAHAM

Me, weirded out. You, leaving.

ERIC

I’m going, I’m going. Just think about it.

(Cheri and Tamara enter and sit at their desks.)

ERIC

Good day to you, fine ladies.

CHERI

Hey, Eric.

TAMARA

Hey.

ERIC

Careful with this one. He’s all wound up.

(Eric exits)

CHERI

Oh, my God, Graham. Tamara and I both just got a facial.

TAMARA

Rodney somehow managed to do us both at same time. It was amazing.

CHERI

Incredible. You’d think he had an extra arm he was rubbing us with.

TAMARA

I am so relaxed. That facial really did it to me.

CHERI

I can still smell Rodney on me.

GRAHAM

I’m glad you two had such a beneficial lunch break.

CHERI

You have no idea.

GRAHAM

Oh, Tamara, your husband called.

(He hands her a note.)

TAMARA

Thank you, Graham. Oh, isn’t that sweet. Just called to say I’m thinking of you and can’t wait till tonight.

CHERI

What’s tonight?

TAMARA

It’s the third anniversary of when we first started dating.

CHERI

That’s adorable.

TAMARA

He always gets me something special. Last year, it was a pearl necklace.

CHERI

Make sure you keep a tight grip on that one.

TAMARA

Oh, I am. With both hands. And my teeth. (They laugh.) What are you doing tonight?

CHERI

I am practicing my flute.

TAMARA

Really? That’s wonderful. I should do that.

CHERI

I played a lot in high school and college and decided to try it, again. I’m a little sloppy. And loud.

TAMARA

Chuck doesn’t mind the noise?

CHERI

Oh, no. He loves it. He just sits back in the Lazy Boy while I go to town on that flute. I put my lips on it as often as I can.

TAMARA

Must be rough on your mouth.

CHERI

That and all the fingering.

GRAHAM

All right! All right! Just stop. Please.

TAMARA

What’s wrong?

GRAHAM

What’s wrong? Listen to yourselves. I haven’t had sex in over a year. I’m about to go out of my mind here. Enough with the double entendres.

CHERI

Double entendres?

GRAHAM

Yes! “Facials,” “pearl necklace,” “flute-ing.” You telling me you didn’t realize those things have double meanings?

TAMARA

Oh, he’s right. I guess they do! I never thought of that.

CHERI

That’s so funny.

TAMARA

Sorry, Graham.

CHERI

How awkward. We really didn’t mean anything by it.

TAMARA

From now on, no double meanings.

CHERI

Single meanings only.

GRAHAM

Thank you. You know, maybe Eric is right. He was telling me how tense I’ve been. Can you give me Rodney’s number? Maybe he can fit me in this afternoon.

CHERI (handing him Rodney’s card)

Well, okay. If that’s works for you.

GRAHAM

What? Guys get facials, too.

TAMARA

I’m sure they do, but it sounds like you need more than some guy shooting jizz on your face.

(Blackout)

Week 26, Day 182 - “The Last Word”

“The Last Word”
Written by Joe Janes
7/19/09
182 of 365

CAST:
Dr. Menlo, 60s
Mr. Evans, 20s

(Lights up on a psychiatrist’s office. Dr. Menlo sits at his desk. Sitting across from him is Mr. Evans, a young, clean-cut man.)

DR. MENLO

Mr. Evans. We are going to do word association. I will say a word and you will say the first thing that comes into your mind. Do you understand?

MR. EVANS

Yes, Dr. Menlo.

DR. MENLO

Good. (Pause) Bicycle.

MR. EVANS

Bicycle.

DR. MENLO

Let’s move on to the Rorschach test. I will show you a picture. You tell me what it looks like. Are you ready?

MR. EVANS

Yes.

(Dr. Menlo shows Mr. Evans a blotter stain.)

DR. MENLO

Tell me what you see?

MR. EVANS

It looks like someone spilled ink onto a board, folded it in half and opened it back up again.

(Dr. Menlo takes out his pocket watch and holds it in front of Mr. Evans by the fob. He makes it sway from side-to-side.)

DR. MENLO

You are getting sleepy.

MR. EVANS

Yes. I am.

DR. MENLO

Mr. Evans, you are cured.

MR. EVANS

I am? On my first session? But my father and I don’t speak. My mother ran off to Las Vegas with an Elmo impersonator. I’m a wreck around women. My career is in the dumper. And my cat died.

DR. MENLO

Get over it.

MR. EVANS

Oh. Okay.

DR. MENLO

That’ll be $200.

MR. EVANS

Thanks?

(Blackout)

Week 26, Day 181 - “Giant Leap”

“Giant Leap”
Written by Joe Janes
7/18/09
181 of 365

CAST:
Neil Armstrong
Buzz Aldrin
Michael Collins
Walter Cronkite

(Lights come up on a dimly lit stage. Off in the corner is a stepladder. We hear radio static and see Neil Armstrong, in his spacesuit, slowly descending the ladder.)

WALTER CRONKITE (VO)

This is a historic moment, ladies and gentlemen. Armstrong is on the moon. Neil Armstrong, a 38-year-old American, about to stand on the surface of the moon this July 20th, 1969. The whole world is witnessing this momentous occasion.

NEIL ARMSTRONG (VO)

That’s one small step for man. One giant leap for mankind.

(Neil slowly walks off as Buzz Aldrin descends the stairs.)

WALTER CRONKITE (VO)

That doesn’t really seem to be grammatically correct, probably should have been one small step for “a” man, but I think we get the gist. And now we see, Buzz Aldrin. Soon to be the second man to step foot on the lunar surface.

BUZZ ALDRIN (VO)

I'd like to take this opportunity to ask every person listening in, whoever and wherever they may be, to pause for a moment and contemplate the events of the past few hours, and to give thanks in his or her own way.

(Buzz joins Neil is slowly walking around and exploring the lunar surface.)

WALTER CRONKITE (VO)

Both men seem to really understand the breadth and scope of this breakthrough for all of humanity. Michael Collins is the third member of the Apollo 11 crew. Let’s see what he has to say about traveling 250,000 miles through space to the moon only to remain onboard the command module Columbia.

MICHAEL COLLINS (VO)

I cannot tell you how, as an earthling hovering above the moon all by myself, this really, really, sucks donkey ass. Take a giant leap over my dick and say thanks to that.

(Neil and Buzz flip Collins the bird overhead.)

WALTER CRONKITE (VO)

I am at a loss for words.

(Blackout.)

Week 26, Day 180 - “Angry Cow”

(This was posted after midnight Friday.)

“Angry Cow”
Written by Joe Janes
7/17/09
180 of 365

CAST
Billy, 40s
Ray, 40s

(Lights up on Ray and Billy in Billy’s basement den. Billy is looking at his watch. Ray is holding a glass. There is a small keg on a table before them.)

BILLY

And…it…is…now…almost…there! Ready!

RAY

You’re going to be the next Sam Adams, Billy.

BILLY

We’ll see, Ray. We’ll see. Hand me your glass.

(Billy taps the small keg and pours Ray a glass.)

BILLY

Wait. Don’t sip it, yet.

(Billy takes another glass and pours himself some.)

RAY

Ah, yes. Please join me in a drink, Sir.

BILLY

It would be my pleasure, Sir. Let us gentle men partake of our handcrafted beer.

RAY

Life’s lubricant.

BILLY

The true vessel of humanity.

RAY

To your own brand – What do you call it?

BILLY

I christen thee, Angry Cow.

RAY

A fitting tribute.

BILLY

My ticket to beer stardom.

RAY

My ticket to free beer.

(They clink their glasses and sip.)

BILLY

Not bad.

RAY

Not bad, at all.

BILLY

Michelle said I needed a hobby.

RAY

A man must fill his time with goodly deeds.

BILLY

I thought watching television was a worthwhile endeavor.

RAY

It’s not like you turn it on just to fill the void.

BILLY

Nor do I flip. I am not a channel flipper. I know what I want to watch when I want to watch it.

RAY

That takes forethought. You are a man with a plan.

BILLY

But Michelle thinks watching TV is watching TV, period. It’s unproductive.

RAY

Unproductive? Then why do TV shows have producers?

BILLY

I wish I had thought of that.

RAY

Now, you make beer.

BILLY

I am now a producer of beer in my basement den. I saw a documentary on the Food Network and I thought, “I can do that.”

RAY

Take that, Michelle.

BILLY

Life is about finding those opportunities.

RAY

Have you called the bank, yet?

BILLY

No. How long does it take to get your wife’s name off your credit cards?

RAY

Took no time at all to take Julie’s name off my cards. You just have to call.

BILLY (pouring himself more beer)

I’ll call after this beer.

(They sip.)

RAY

Anything on TV?

BILLY

I don’t know. Turn it on and see.

RAY (picking up remote and clicking it)

Take that, Angry Cow.

(Lights fade.)

Week 26, Day 179 - “Never Been Ruffied”

“Never Been Ruffied”
Written by Joe Janes
7/16/09
179 of 365
(Based on a premise by Val d'Orito and title suggested by Blair Bogin)

CAST:
Valerie, 20s
William, 20s
Homeless Guy, 50s

(Lights up on Valerie sitting on a park bench nibbling at a sandwich, but clearly having something weighing on her mind. Off behind her is a homeless guy rummaging through a garbage can. William enters, carrying his brown bag lunch. He kisses Valerie on the cheek and sits down.)

WILLIAM

Sorry, I’m late. The Monday morning staff meeting went longer than it was supposed to, or needed to. (Valerie doesn’t respond.) How are things going at the brokerage firm?

VALERIE

Oh, you know…

WILLIAM

What’s wrong, Valerie?

VALERIE

Blair didn’t come in to work today.

WILLIAM

Oh. Everything all right?

VALERIE

She got ruffied over the weekend.

WILLIAM

That’s horrible. Did she know the guy?

VALERIE

I didn’t get the details. William, do you know anyone who’s been ruffied?

WILLIAM

Not really. In college, I heard about-

VALERIE

Six of my friends have been ruffied. And now Blair makes seven.

WILLIAM

It’s a fucked up world.

VALERIE

What’s wrong with me?

WILLIAM

Nothing. You’re perfect.

VALERIE

You’re just saying that because you love me.

WILLIAM

Sorry.

VALERIE

Am I not pretty enough? I know I’m conventionally pretty.

WILLIAM

Valerie…

VALERIE

Maybe it’s not all about looks, though. Maybe I’m too easy. If a guy thinks he can get somewhere with you, he’s not going to waste a ruffie on you.

WILLIAM

I’m sure Blair would be happy to trade places with you.

VALERIE

Fine with me, but the guy who ruffied her would obviously be disappointed.

WILLIAM

I’m sorry you’re not more attractive to douche bags.

VALERIE

You don’t know what it’s like.

WILLIAM

You’re right; I don’t know what it’s like to want to be molested.

VALERIE

William, I don’t want to be molested. It’s just that, I’ve never been molested. No creepy relative, no over attentive teacher or clergy. No sloppy, pathetic gropes from a nightclub drunk. Not even a closet lesbian college roommate. Jesus Christ, it can mess with a girl. I’ve never even been rubbed up against on a crowded train.

WILLIAM

Really? Sheesh, even I’ve had that happen.

VALERIE

Man or woman?

WILLIAM

Both. Same train ride.

VALERIE

I feel like a virgin that should be tossed into a volcano.

WILLIAM

Would you like me to rub up against you?

VALERIE

You don’t count.

WILLIAM

Thanks.

VALERIE

I want someone to find me so viscerally physically hot they can’t stand it. They just have to touch me. You know me too well. You like me for lots of different reasons. I want to know that I’m so smoking hot it makes someone go into heat and do stupid things, like whip it out on the bus and risk getting kicked off or arrested.

WILLIAM

You really want something like that?

VALERIE

At least once. It’s kind of a compliment.

(William sets his lunch down on the bench and Valerie continues to stare out. He whispers to the homeless guy who nods his head. The homeless guy walks up behind Valerie and sets his junk on her shoulder.)

VALERIE (continuing)

That is so sweet.

(William tries to give the man some money, but he waves him off.)

HOMELESS GUY

It’s on me.

VALERIE (noticing it’s not William and jumping up)

Ew!

(Blackout)

Week 26, Day 178 - “Big Bother”

“Big Bother”
Written by Joe Janes
7/15/09
178 of 365

CAST
Christy, 20s
Susie, 12
Joey, 8
Bobby, 9
Derek, 15

(Lights up on a living room. Susie is coloring. Joey and Bobby are playing a video game. Hostess Christy Ronson stands to the side.)

CHRISTY

Welcome back. We have three contestants left. Susie, twelve, Joey and Bobby, both eight and nine. Packy, the family cat was eliminated last week after she and her kittens were unable to survive the laundry room “Trapped In A Dryer” Challenge. This week, the remaining siblings must survive the weekend under the care of Derek, the oldest son at 15 and de facto man of the house while the parents are away. Whoever makes it through the weekend with the least amount of penalties, gets to spend a week away from their big brother in a Holiday Inn Holidome two miles away. Let’s peek in via our hidden cameras on “Real Big Brother.”

(Derek, a big, lumbering teen walks in. He takes a controller away from Joey.)

DEREK

Give me that, Urethra Franklin.

JOEY

Hey!

SUSIE

You’re not supposed to use dirty words, Derek.

DEREK

Urethra’s not dirty. It’s in the dick-tionary. Who’s winning?

BOBBY

I am!

DEREK

Not any more.

(Derek gives Bobby titty twisters as they play. This obviously hurts Bobby who eventually messes up.)

DEREK

You’re dead! I win – again!

BOBBY

That’s not fair.

DEREK

You gonna cry, crybaby?

BOBBY

I’m just saying it’s not fair.

DEREK

Oh, boo-hoo. Poor little pouty baby.

SUSIE

You’re such a jerk, Derek.

DEREK

Shut up, Robert Downey Syndrome, Junior.

SUSIE

That’s not my name.

DEREK

It’s not? I’m sorry. I thought it was. What is your name?

SUSIE

Susie, jerk wad.

DEREK

Susie Jerkwad, glands to meet ya’!

JOEY

Can’t you just leave us alone?

DEREK

No, I can’t, fecal face. Because I’m in charge and we do what I say. Right now, you all have to (lifts the back of his shirt and sits down) scratch my back.

SUSIE

Ew!

BOBBY

You have zits on your back.

JOEY

There are more zits than back.

DEREK

Too bad, titmice. Get scratching, because who ever doesn’t do a good job, has to wear my jock strap on their head for the rest of the night. It’s a penal-ty.

(The three of them start scratching his back. There are a few unfortunate pops and pus sprays in the process.)

SUSIE (stops scratching)

I’m going to throw up.

DEREK

Looking at your face, I thought you already did. What about you two, Anus and Andy? How are you enjoying scratching my backside?

JOEY AND BOBBY (mumbling)

…Okay…

DEREK

Then, Susie. You get to wear my jockstrap on your head. Go ahead and fish it out of the dirty laundry.

SUSIE

I hate this game

(She exits.)

DEREK

Well, girls –

JOEY

We’re not girls.

DEREK

Well, then, men-strations. Time for some head-to-head challenges!

(Lights shift and Christy comes out.)

CHRISTY

After a series of grueling challenges, Joey and Bobby find some peaceful moments in the confessional room. Let’s listen in.

(Lights up on a visibly upset Joey cradling a crying Bobby in the confessional.)

JOEY

And then, he made us eat our own boogers. Till we ran out. Then he made us eat his boogers.

BOBBY

They were so huge! Like worms. How can a he have so much snot in his head? He’s not human.

JOEY

Then he pinned us and dribbled a string of drool into our faces and then sucked it back up at the last second.

BOBBY

Except the last one.

JOEY

Except the last one.

BOBBY

After he ate the Oreo cookie.

JOEY

That’s when Bobby snapped.

CHRISTY

The boys are having a rough time. Let’s bring Susie back into the picture. The game is too close to call. Let’s see how things play out in the deciding round.


(Bobby starts crying loudly and Joey tries to rock him and calm him down. Cut back to the living room with all of them together, including Susie with a jock strap on her head.)

DEREK

Okay, one final testicle for you munch bags. You’re going to like this one. It’s a donut-eating contest!

SUSIE

Really?

JOEY AND BOBBY

Yay!

DEREK

Yep. All the Hertz donuts you want.

JOEY

A Hertz donut?

(Derek punches Joey in the sack. He goes down to his knees in pain.)

DEREK

Hurts, don’ it?

(Cut back to Christy)

CHRISTY

The Hertz Donut Challenge – advantage, Susie. She ends up spending the week away from Derek. Joey was eliminated from the “Real Big Brother” competition due to a burst testicle. Next week, Susie and Bobby have to do Derek’s chores and steal their father’s credit card to buy porn on-line. And then there’s the final death challenge…

(Cut back to Derek)

DEREK

Okay, organ donors; get ready to eat my farts!

(Blackout)