Week 30, Day 206 - “An Operator Tries To Help Jim Croce Make A Call”

“An Operator Tries To Help Jim Croce Make A Call”
Written by Joe Janes
8/12/09
206 of 365

CAST
Charlie, 30s

(Lights up on Charlie, a casually dressed telephone operator wearing a headset and sitting before a computer terminal.)

CHARLIE (Into headset)

Sorry, Mr. Floyd. We keep getting disconnected from Mrs. Floyd. I think she’s hanging up- Hello? …Mr. Floyd? …Hello? (He shrugs and disconnects the call and pushes another button.) Information, Charlie speaking, city and state, please?...Los Angeles, California… (He types in the info)…Okay, how may I help you?......Sir, you having a number on a matchbook that’s old and faded - not very helpful… Is it a business or a residence?... Do you have an address or a name?...Raye? R-A-Y-E…No “e.” …Oh. …Do you have a last name?... No. I see. We’re talking Los Angeles here, Sir. I really want to help you, but there are millions of people in LA. Many of them, I’m sure, go by the name Ray. …Was Ray a celebrity? That might help narrow it down. Was it Ray Parker, Jr? Ray Romano?... Well, who is this guy?... ………Sir, if he’s your best old ex-friend and you don’t know his last name, then I can understand why he’s an ex-friend………You should know your friends well enough to know their last name. Just saying… …………Oh, it’s not him you want to talk to. …It’s your ex-girlfriend. …(Sucks air through is teeth) …Yah, that sucks. I feel really bad for you. What a dick. Are you sure it wasn’t Ray Romano?… Maybe the phone is listed under the lady’s name, what is it?...Her name, what is it?...There’s something in your eye? ………………………I’ll wait…………………Just take a deep breath, Sir…………………………I’m sure they’ll be happy to know you’re fine, but, to be honest, you don’t sound fine. ……Did you have some kind of head injury or something?... Look, I’m sorry, but I really can’t help you without more specific information. …………………Thanks for saying that……………………Sir, even if I could keep the dime, you hang on to it. I think you need it more than I do. Bye, now. (He hangs up) Put it towards some therapy or something…(Picks up a new call) Information, Charlie speaking- What? Oh. Thank God. Yes, I have that number, right here. Jenny, Jenny. 867-5309. Would you like me to connect you?

(Blackout)

In case you weren't aware of the song or would like to hear it, here's a cover of it by Strat2Caster...

Week 30, Day 205 - "Free Soda"

“Free Soda”
Written by Joe Janes
8/11/09
205 of 365

CAST
Sylvia, 40s
Jack, 50s
Phillip, 40s
Dirk, 30s
Nancy, 20s
Hillary, 50s

(Lights up on a conference room. A group of executives are sitting around a table finishing up a meeting.)

SYLVIA

…And that should help us save a few pennies in shipping costs. (They all laugh at this in a polite executive way.) Oh, and one last item. Starting next Monday, the company will be providing free soda.

JACK

You mean, just for us, right?

SYLVIA

No. For everybody. You can tell all the employees in your department that starting Monday, and every Monday after; the company will stock a case of 12-ounce cans of cola in every break room in the building. Our Canadian branch does this. They’ve been doing it for years. The CEO there tells me its one of those little perks that brightens up an employee’s day. A little thing that lets them know they’re appreciated. Makes them more productive, too. Any questions?

PHILLIP

Just one. Are you trying to kill me?

SYLVIA

Not through this method, Phillip. What’s your issue?

PHILLIP

Adult onset diabetes, type 2. Not supposed to have sugar.

DIRK

You could just not have any.

PHILLIP

That’s not fair. Why should everyone else get a freebie?

NANCY

I, for one, wouldn’t mind having a diet cola option. That seems fair.

SYLVIA

I suppose you’re right, on that. We’ll split the case. Half cola, half diet.

HILLARY

And those are the only options? We’ll, now you’re trying to kill me.

SYLVIA

How so, Hillary?

HILLARY

The ol’ ticker. Every since my quadruple by-pass surgery last year, the doctor says no caffeine.

NANCY

Maybe we could add a six-pack of caffeine free diet cola.

HILLARY

It’s healthier.

JACK

No. It’s not. It’s carbonated brown chemicals with sugar and salt. I just want you to keep your hands off my coffee and tea.

SYLVIA

No one’s going to take away the coffee and tea, Jack, and we’ll look into doing that, Hillary.

JACK

That’s what you say, now. I’ve worked here twenty years. I’ve always used the coffee maker in the morning and a nice little cup of tea in the afternoon. You take that away, and you may as well tell me you don’t care about me.

SYLVIA

Different subject, but let me assure you, Jack, we’re not touching the coffee and tea. Have all you like.

JACK

I will if I want. You can’t make me.

DIRK (looking at a calculator)

You know, I was just doing the math on this. There may not be enough soda for everyone. You figure one a day, minimum, five days a week; you could be out by Wednesday afternoon.

SYLVIA

Not everyone drinks soda, right, Jack? It probably won’t be a problem.

NANCY

You’re assuming no one’s going to take more than one or, for that matter, outright steal it. Take cans home with them.

DIRK

In that case, it could all be gone on Tuesday. What’s the point of having free soda if you don’t have any? Hell, I can give away something I don’t have. Anybody want a million dollars?

PHILLIP

I do.

DIRK

Help yourself. It’s in the fridge. What? It’s gone. It was there yesterday. Sorry ol’ man. You lose out.

NANCY

We could ration it. Everyone is guaranteed one soda for the week.

HILLARY

For the week? I can’t just sip one soda for a whole goddamn week.

NANCY

Didn’t your doctor tell you anything about pacing yourself?

JACK

I don’t know if rationing is the answer. I think that’s just going to create long lines in the break room. Besides, I don’t drink the swill.

NANCY

For this to work, Jack, you’re going to have start drinking soda.

JACK

No way. I’ll just pour the crap down the drain.

PHILLIP

I’ll take yours. Just give it to me.

JACK

I’ll sell it to you.

PHILLIP

Come on, I’m already out a million dollars.

JACK

Which reminds me. How are we paying for this? Am I going to have to take a pay cut to cover the costs of soda guzzling freeloaders?

SYLVIA

The company pays for it all. We got a deal from the soda industry.

JACK

I don’t see why people can’t just take care of their own soda needs.

(This causes an emotional stir among the group, pro and con.)

SYLVIA

Stop. Just stop. Everyone just stop.

(She takes a breath. Everyone is quit and motionless for a moment. Hillary leans forward.)

HILLARY

I bring a liter of Mountain Dew every day. Are you going to make me switch to a different cola?

NANCY

We added caffeine free diet cola for you.

HILLARY

I should have the option. Doesn’t mean I have to take it.

SYLVIA

No, Hillary, you can still bring your Mountain Dew.

NANCY

I thought you couldn’t have caffeine?

HILLARY

Mountain Dew doesn’t have caffeine. It’s green. (looks around table) It’s green. Do your research.

SYLVIA

I said, “Stop.” Starting Monday, every refrigerator in every break room will be stocked with half a case of cola, half a case of diet cola, and a six-pack of caffeine free diet cola. We will do this for a month. After a month, we’ll re-evaluate it and see if we need to change anything about it. Is that clear? (Everyone sits quiet and nods.) Does anyone have any questions?

JACK

Why do you hate America?

(Sylvia puts her head in her hands. Blackout)

Week 30, Day 204 - "On A Stick"

“On A Stick” or “Thanks, Men”
Written by Joe Janes
8/10/09
204 of 365

CAST
Ed, 30s
Matt, 30s
Brad, 30s
Mike, 20s
Brian, 20s

(Lights up on Matt and Ed at their orange stand at a fair.)

ED

Oranges! Get your oranges here!

MATT

Nice big, round ripe oranges.

ED

Peel ‘em and eat ‘em!

MATT

Peel ‘em and eat ‘em!

(Brad crosses by and looks back at the oranges.)

ED

Orange, mister?

MATT

Healthy, full of vitamin C, low in calories-

ED

Glutton free.

MATT

Glutton free.

BRAD

Gee, I don’t know. (He looks at it quizzically) How do I-?

ED

Peel ‘em and eat ‘em.

MATT

Just peel ‘em and eat ‘em.

BRAD

Like shrimp.

ED

Sure.

MATT

Like shrimp.

BRAD

Seem a bit labor intensive.

ED

They’re refreshing.

MATT

They’re refreshing.

BRAD

Refreshing, you say? Well. Okay.

ED

One dollar.

MATT

One dollar.

(Brad takes out his wallet. Brian and Mike quickly set up a table nearby. On the table, is a round brown blob.)

BRIAN

Oranges!

BRAD

Ooh, they have oranges, too.

MIKE

Dipped in chocolate.

BRAD

I heard chocolate is really good for you.

BRIAN

Wrapped in bacon.

BRAD

Bacon is a good source of protein.

ED

Here’s your orange, sir.

MATT

Just one dollar.

MIKE

Did I mention deep-fried? Our orange is dipped in chocolate, wrapped in bacon and deep-fried in a crispy, yellow batter.

BRIAN

Made out of corn and Twinkies.

MIKE

And-

BRIAN

And-

MIKE AND BRIAN

It comes on a stick!

(Mike stabs the blob with a wooden stick and they pick it up, Brian gesturing around it with his hands.)

BRAD

Sold!

(Brad walks over and grabs the thing on a stick. Brad starts eating it with great relish.)

MIKE

Five dollars, sir.

BRAD

Take my whole wallet.

(He hands him his wallet as he continues to eat the thing on a stick.)

ED

That’s outrageous.

MATT (holding out an orange)

This orange is only a dollar.

BRAD

Please, you can’t put a price on eating healthy. I must tell my friends, Tom and Tony. They could use something like this. They're so out of shape.

(Mike and Brian smugly count their money. Ed looks at the orange Matt is holding and stabs it with his pen.)

ED

Orange on stick.

MATT

Orange on a stick!

ED

Ten dollars.

(Lights fade as the continue to hawk their orange on a stick as Brad continues to devour that fried thing.)

Week 29, Day 203 - “Mandingo Rex"

“Mandingo Rex”
Written by Joe Janes
8/9/09
203 of 365

CAST
Steve, late 20s
Cherry, late 50s
Gigi, early 20s

(Circa late 1980s. Steve, dressed in his best double-breasted shiny gray suit with shoulder pads, skinny tie and pushed up sleeves, mullet and mustache, sits at his desk going over some papers. Cherry enters quickly and presses her body against the door. She wears a fedora and a trench coat. Steve notices her. She throws her hat and drops her trench coat revealing a red teddy and black stockings.)

CHERRY

Steven, don’t fight it. You have all these women throwing themselves at you, including that tramp secretary of yours, but you know it’s me you really want. It’s always been me, it always will be me. I’ve earned you.

STEVE

Mother…

CHERRY

I’ve booked us the Hydra Room at the El Ranchero Fantasy Motor Lodge. It’s ours from 4pm to 6pm.

STEVE

You haven’t seen me naked since I was in diapers.

CHERRY

I brought some of those, too.

STEVE

It’s not right. Please leave.

CHERRY

You came from my womb. Don’t you want to come back and visit?

STEVE

It’s not the Wisconsin Dells, Mother. Go. Before I call security.

CHERRY

This is the gratitude I get. I gave you the milk from my bosom.

STEVE

I know, I know…. (He opens up his briefcase and takes out a small bottle of milk.) And you can have it back. Please, stop leaving these in my mailbox.

CHERRY (taking bottle)

Fine. I’ll go. You know where to find me, if you change your mind.

STEVE

The Hydra Room.

CHERRY (putting coat back on, Steve hands her the hat)

Till 6pm. Tick-tock, tick-tock.

(She opens the door to leave. Gigi is there. They give each glaring looks as they pass.)

GIGI

Mr. Burke. You have several messages-

STEVE

Anything work related?

GIGI

No. All of them are from older women propositioning you. There’s also a bouquet of flowers in the lobby from the all the female residents at the Riverview Nursing Home. Along with an offer to share their prescription drugs with you. And one of the residents sent along this.

(Gigi unfolds a large pair of white granny panties. Steve sighs, takes them and puts them in his briefcase.)

GIGI (continuing)

Mr. Burke. You’re a very handsome man, if you don’t mind me saying so.

STEVE

Thank you, Gigi.

GIGI

Why are so many older women, including your own mother, so attracted to you?

STEVE

Why, Gigi? That answer is simple. Because I am attracted to them.

GIGI

Really? You find older women attractive? More attractive than young, nubile women, such as myself?

STEVE

Older women are like fine wine. As they age, they become more graceful, fuller-bodied. Their bouquet becomes sweeter, more exotic. Their lips full of confidence. Oh, sure, sometimes they get too dry and you end up spitting out pieces of cork. And sometimes they have sediment on the bottom, and when you buy them at a restaurant, they cost more, but that’s the price you pay.

GIGI

I wish I were old.

STEVE

Aw, Gigi. You’ll be old and slightly haggard some day.

GIGI

You’re just saying that.

STEVE

No, I mean it. One day, your breasts will start to sag, your hips and thighs will spread like chunky peanut butter. You’ll get those little knots of varicose veins in your legs, the kind that look like fireworks. Soon your spine curve like a question mark and people will think you’re looking for lost change. And you know what, Gigi? You’ll be the sexiest woman around.

(Gigi throws herself at his feet.)

GIGI

Oh, Steve! Take me as I am, now. I’ll get older. Sooner than you think. I’ll take up smoking and only order drinks that annoy the bartender. I’ll stay up late and sit too close to the TV. I’ll buy a dog. The small, yippy kind. I’ll complain more in restaurants and use a little card to figure out the tip. Just give me a chance.

STEVE (bringing Gigi to her feet)

Gigi. Please. Don’t put your eggs in this basket. There are men out there, good men, who like young women. You’ll find them if you go to the right bars. Now, dry off those tears and get back to your desk.

(Gigi puts herself together as Steve walks her to the door.)

GIGI

Thank you, Mr. Burke. You’re the best boss a gal ever had.

(She exits. Steve sits at his desk. His phone rings and he picks up.)

STEVE

Steven Burke… Yes, Mother, I know… Tick-tock, tick-tock…

(Blackout)

Week 29, Day 202 - “Fools Rush In Where Angels Fear To Treadmill”

“Fools Rush In Where Angels Fear To Treadmill”
Written by Joe Janes
8/8/09
202 of 365

CAST:
Rebecca, 30s
Tawny, 30s
Milt, 60s
Paramedic One
Paramedic Two
Verne, 60s

(Lights up on Rebecca in a health club walking slowly on a treadmill. Milt, an older gentleman, is off to the side on a recumbent stationary bike reading the paper while peddling. Rebecca looks like she could use the long-term positive effects of said treadmill. She looks bored and moves at a walking pace. Tawny, who is in much better shape and wears designer workout clothes, enters and hops on the treadmill right next to Rebecca. They give one another a quick, snotty look. Rebecca watches Tawny punch in her information and start walking at a faster clip than Rebecca. This does not sit well with Rebecca who bumps up her speed to match Tawny’s. Tawny looks out of the corner of her eye and down her nose at Rebecca. She pushes up her speed two notches. This infuriates Rebecca who has to work a little to make it up to her control panel and bumps up her pace not two notches, but four! She smiles at Tawny as she somehow manages to maintain this pace. Tawny starts punching up her pace one notch at a time and so does Rebecca until they’ve punched it up so much that all they can do is stop punching it up and run at a full speed for both of them. They’re both running at maximum and neither is going to give in to the other and stop. We can see it wearing them down on their forced smiles and flailing arms and legs. Rebecca starts to shake out her left arm, but won’t give up running. Her whole left side goes numb and she’s still trying to keep pace with Tawny. Milt takes out his cell phone and calls 911. Tawny notices and presses both her and Rebecca’s emergency stop buttons. Rebecca stops hard and collapses onto the ground. Tawny rushes over to her, but suddenly looks dizzy and collapses. Milt is keeping an eye on things but keeps peddling as he hears a siren approaching. Two paramedics rush in from opposite sides of the stage and face off against each other like gunslingers. They look at each other, look at the two women, and then back at each other. They both quickly tend to the nearest woman, One to Rebecca and Two to Tawny, racing to see who can revive their patient first. They try CPR three times each, keeping pace with one another. No success. They both race to try the defibulators. They end up both zapping Rebecca and Tawny at the same time. They do this three times. On the third try, Rebecca recovers. Tawny does not. Paramedic One helps Rebecca off while looking smugly over his shoulder at Paramedic Two. Paramedic Two packs up his stuff angrily, kicks Tawny’s dumb ol’ body and leaves. Milt, still peddling, watches the paramedic exit and then looks back over at Tawny. Verne enters and hops onto the recumbent bike next to Milt and starts peddling briskly. Milt physically and non-verbally indicates, “Fuck this” and gets off his bike. He gives Verne on old timey “up yours” gesture with his fist and elbow and storms off. Verne has no idea what that was about and creepily becomes aware of Tawny’s corpse on the floor as he continues to peddle faster. Lights fade.)

Week 29, Day 201 - “Black Coffee”

“Black Coffee”
Written by Joe Janes
8/7/09
201 of 365

CAST
Emma, 30s
Horatio, 20s

(Lights up on Horatio behind the front desk of a high-end hotel. Emma approaches in a bathrobe and slippers. She looks pissed. )

HORATIO

Yes, ma’am?

(Emma slaps down two pieces of paper onto the counter top. One right after the other. And then folds her arms.)

HORATIO (continuing)

Can I help you?

EMMA (pointing to one bill)

Last night, I got a hamburger and fries from room service. It was expensive. $22. Okay. It’s a fancy hotel, it’s room service, it’s adorable little glass bottles of ketchup and mustard. It’s 100% Angus beef, which doesn’t score points with me because Angus beef is just one consonant away from being anus beef. Ew. Fine. Whatever. $22. I get it. (Points to other bill) This morning, I ordered a danish and a cup of coffee. $22.

HORATIO

Yes?

EMMA

Doesn’t that seem a little off to you, even for a “fancy” hotel like the Hyatt? (Horatio looks confused) Burger and fries, twenty-two dollars. Danish and coffee, one danish, one coffee, also twenty-two dollars.

HORATIO

So, you think you were overcharged for the danish and coffee?

EMMA (biting tongue)

Ya’ think?

HORATIO

Let me check on something. (He looks something up on a computer.) Ah. I think I know what happened.

EMMA

I was overcharged.

HORATIO

No. The price is accurate. You did the “hang the breakfast menu on the doorknob before going to bed” thingy, right?

EMMA

Sure. I did the “thingy.”

HORATIO

Well, that costs more because you’re not only ordering food; you’re ordering the specific time for the breakfast to be delivered. And it comes with a newspaper and a “pot” of coffee.

EMMA

Pot of coffee? That “pot” was only slightly bigger than the bottle of ketchup from last night. It was a pot of coffee masquerading as a cup of coffee.

HORATIO (looking at screen)

Our pots of coffee are 12 ounces.

EMMA

A Grande at Starbucks is 16 ounces. And, yes, I know that.

HORATIO

Regardless. When you take away the tax and service, your “pot” of coffee was only six dollars.

EMMA

Six dollars!

HORATIO

Yes, ma’am.

EMMA

Well, (looks at his name tag) Horatio, if that’s your real name, six dollars is outrageous. It’s hot water passed through a bean. It’s not a latte, it’s not a cappuccino, it’s just plain coffee. It hasn’t been anointed in oil, pooped out of the butt of some endangered mountain lion, or brewed with liquid gold. It’s just Maxwell House and tap water.

HORATIO

Uh, 100% Arabica beans.

EMMA

Maxwell House and tap water. For it to be worth six bucks, it would have to be delivered on a white horse ridden by a naked Brad Pitt who rubs my feet while I sip it slowly. And even then, it would need to be 70% Arabica beans, 10% ecstasy, and 20% surefire stock tips.

HORATIO

You know, since this is your first time staying with us, why don’t I go ahead and comp this morning’s breakfast.

EMMA

Thank you.

HORATIO

Would you like the same breakfast for tomorrow?

EMMA

For $22? (Horatio nods) Yes.

(She exits. Horatio puts the order into the computer. She quickly returns.)

EMMA

Wait. No danish.

(Blackout)

Week 29, Day 200 - “Thoughts Of A Dying Atheist”

“Thoughts Of A Dying Atheist”
Written by Joe Janes
8/6/09
200 of 365

CAST
Al, 40s
Sam, 30s
Nancy, 40s

(Lights up on Al alone in the cockpit of a commercial jet airliner. It is night and he is clearly having some difficulty staying awake. We can lightly hear the hum of the jet engines. Sam enters with coffee for both of them and takes the co-pilot seat next to Al. They sit in silence for a moment.)

SAM (looking out the side window)

Hey, Al. Ever wonder what it would be like to just… dive… into the ocean?

AL

Just like diving into any other water. Just saltier.

SAM

Oh, I know that. I’ve swam - swum? - in the ocean before. I meant from here. I think that would be a blast.

AL

It would probably kill you.

SAM

It’s water.

AL

It’s some physics bullshit. You ever just smack your hand on the surface of water? Or do a belly flop? Like that, but you may as well be jumping off a building and hitting concrete. More splat than splash.

SAM

Man. Physics. (Jokingly shakes his fist)

AL

Ever wonder what it would be like to dive the plane into the ocean? (He dips the steering wheel a bit and brings it back up.)

SAM (excited)

You did not just do that!

AL

This? (Does it again)

SAM

Oh, man! I’ve never seen anybody do that before. I’ve never done that before.

AL

Done what? This? (He does it again).

SAM

Ah! Let me! Let me!

AL

Hang on a second. (Al hits a switch and we hear a “bing.” He then picks up the PA microphone.) This is your captain speaking. We’ve run into some light turbulence. Please return to your seats and make sure your seat belts are fastened. Thank you. (He puts it back down.) All yours, Sam.

(Sam gets an excited look on his face. He grabs the steering wheel and goes into a nosedive.)

AL (continuing)

Pull up! Pull up!

SAM

I can’t! I don’t want to!

AL (pulling up on his wheel)

Pull up, Sam or we’re all going to die!

(They manage to get the plane leveled off. Sam is panting with excitement. Al is shaken.)

AL (continuing)

Cheese and eggs, Sam! You nearly got us killed. All 158 of us.

SAM

I know, I know. I’m sorry. Wasn’t it cool, though?

(Nancy the flight attendant enters. She looks disheveled.)

NANCY

What the fuck, gentlemen?

AL

Sorry, Nancy.

SAM

You okay?

NANCY

No, I’m not okay. I’m wearing milk, coffee and tomato juice. The cabin is filled with spilled drinks, snacks, vomit and tears. It’s going to be a nightmare to clean up.

(She lights a cigarette)

SAM

You’re not supposed to –

NANCY

Shut up, Sam. (She takes a big drag, sighs out the smoke, drops the cigarette and stomps it out.)

AL

Hey, Nancy, give ‘em all a complimentary round of drinks.

NANCY

Will do. After I have a few for myself.

(She exits.)

SAM

Pretty wild, huh?

AL

What?

SAM

All those lives in our hands. Every one of them thought they were going to die a moment ago.

AL

Me, too.

SAM

And then we made it all right. And gave them a free drink to boot.

AL

With great power comes great responsibility.

SAM

When we were heading down toward the ocean, breaking through the clouds, seeing the shimmer of the moon on the water, you know what I was thinking? Okay. This is it. Fine by me. It’s been a fun life. I had my turn. Thumbs up. Adios, amigos. What a great way to go. What were you thinking?

AL

Let’s see, what was I thinking? Oh, yeah. I was thinking, “Oh, fuck! Oh, fuck! Oh, fuck! Oh, fuck!” It’s one thing to dick around just a little bit, Sam, but you nearly got us killed playing chicken with the sea.

SAM

So, we die. There are billions of people on the planet. We would have made the news and been forgotten in a month. Life would continue without us.

AL

Life can continue without you, if you want. But not without me. I’m not done yet. I have a dog and two ex-wives to feed.

SAM

It was exciting, though, wasn’t it? Thought you were going to die and now you’re not. Bet everyone back there feels the same. Bet you’re wide awake now, too.

AL

That I am.

SAM

Want a refill on your coffee?

AL

I want you to go help Nancy and the crew clean up. I’ll be fine here.

SAM

You pissed at me?

AL

Yes.

SAM

Um. Okay. We’ll talk when I get back.

(Sam exits. Al picks up the PA.)

AL

Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain. We sincerely apologize for the rough flight we’ve been having. It looks like we’ll be free and clear all the way in to Los Angeles. I’m going to turn off the “seat belt” sign and you can feel free to move about the cabin. And please enjoy a complimentary beverage on us.

(Al continues to fly. He thinks for a moment about nose-diving the plane. Thinks better of it and doesn’t. Lights fade.)