Week 31, Day 213 - “Had This Been An Actual Emergency”

“Had This Been An Actual Emergency”
Written by Joe Janes
8/19/09
213 of 365

Cast

Gordon, 30s

Chester, 30s

Ithamar, 30s

Dorf, 30s

Jackie, 30s

Nyima, 30s

(Lights up on Gordon sitting at his desk. Chester pops his head in.)

CHESTER

Hey, Gord-o.

GORDON

Chester.

CHESTER

You wanted to see me?

GORDON

Yes, come on in. Have a seat.

(Chester does. He has a rag sticking out of his back pocket.)

GORDON

What’s with the rag?

CHESTER

I noticed the windows on your car were dirty, so I cleaned them off for you.

GORDON

You really didn’t have to do that.

CHESTER

Oh, and hey. I got you something while I was at lunch.

GORDON

Chester, please-

CHESTER (handing him a plastic card)

I saw this and I thought of you. Spur of the moment thing.

GORDON

A $25 gift card to Wicker World.

CHESTER

Perfect, right? I know how crazy you are about wicker.

GORDON

I’m really not.

CHESTER

You have a wicker basket near your desk.

GORDON

That you gave me. Chester, the gifts, the good deeds, I told you, they have to stop.

CHESTER

Nonsense. You’re the boss. Just trying to keep you happy. If Poppa Bear’s not happy nobody’s happy.

GORDON

You’re fired.

(Lights go to black. Emergency lights come on as we hear a pulsing buzzer sound. Two cast members, Ithamar and Dorf, in gas masks and carrying batons, come out and flank the edges of the stage. Nyima enters dressed in regular show clothes. She signals for the buzzer to be shut off.)

NYIMA

It’s go time, people. This is not a drill. I repeat, this is not a drill.

GORDON

I knew this would happen.

CHESTER

It was just a matter of time.

NYIMA

Ladies and gentlemen, do not panic. We have been alerted by the authorities that somewhere in this audience is a republican.

(She points at a conservatively dressed Jackie in the audience. Ithamar and Dorf come down and flank Jackie.)

NYIMA

You, ma’am. You are a republican.

JACKIE

What? Nonsense. It’s nonsense. Do I look like a republican? Would I be at a comedy show if I were a republican?

NYIMA

Then what party are you affiliated with, ma’am?

JACKIE

I am an American.

GORDON

Yep. Republican.

NYIMA

Bring her here.

CHESTER

Careful, she’s probably armed.

(Ithamar and Dorf herd her to the stage with their guns and secure her to a chair.)

JACKIE

I thought I was coming to a comedy show, not a Nazi rally.

NYIMA

Stuff a sock in it, Red. You’re busted. We noticed how you laughed.

JACKIE

What? It’s a comedy show. I was laughing.

GORDON

You were laughing only after everyone else laughed.

CHESTER

You were cuing off of them. (Points to audience) You didn’t get our jokes.

JACKIE

Ridiculous. I laugh all the time.

NYIMA

What’s your favorite comedy show?

JACKIE

Oh, that’s easy. I love, love, The Cosby Show.

GORDON

Anything that’s on, oh, this century?

JACKIE

Nothing you would of heard of. I’m into some obscure, underground, edgy comedy stuff. Stuff you’d only see on cable.

CHESTER

Like what?

JACKIE

Jeff Foxworthy. Carrot Top.

NYIMA

You’re not helping your case. It is well documented that republicans lack a sense of humor.

GORDON

Except P.J. O’Rourke.

NYIMA

Except P. J. O’Rourke.

JACKIE

Who?

(This time a siren goes off. Ithamar takes off his gas mask and signals for the siren to be cut off.)

ITHAMAR

Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize to anyone in our audience who may be a republican. We know that not all of you are bad or without humor. And, regardless of our beliefs, you have every right to give us money and not get our jokes. We now resume our scene.

(He claps his hands, everyone runs off except for Gordon and Chester. Jackie remains strapped to the chair.)

GORDON

You’re fired.

CHESTER

But, why?

GORDON

You don’t do any work around here. You do me lots of favors and give me gifts I don’t need, but when it comes down to it, you don’t do anything. In fact, you put off doing things and work to prevent others from doing their work. You also lie about what you have been doing and about what others say they are doing. You and facts don’t get along. You’re like a republican.

JACKIE (sarcastically)

Ha, ha. (pause, then sincerely…) That was funny, right?

(Blackout.)

Week 31, Day 212 - "What Price Gory?"

“What Price Gory?’
Written by Joe Janes
8/18/09
212 of 365

Cast:
Glenda, 40s
Garrett, 40s
Dr. Patel, 40s
Derek, 30s

(Lights up on Garrett and Glenda, a middle-aged couple, holding hands in a hospital room, looking concerned. Derek lays in a hospital bed asleep. Dr. Patel enters.)

DR. PATEL

Well, Garrett, we have the test results. You are a perfect match for your brother. We can schedule the kidney transplant for this coming weekend.

GLENDA

That is great news.

GARRETT

I’m so glad my baby brother doesn’t have to worry about this any more.

DR. PATEL

This is a relatively simple procedure, very common. And you’re in good health. There shouldn’t be any complications. Do you have any questions?

GARRETT

Jus one. How much?

DR. PATEL

Well, your brother’s insurance should cover most of the procedure.

GARRETT

Right, right. How much to me?

DR. PATEL

I’m not sure what you are asking.

GARRETT

Glenda here got $8,000 for giving up some of her eggs. I only have two kidneys. Giving up one of them has to bring in a good chunk of change.

DR. PATEL

Garrett, I –

GLENDA

Pretty straightforward question, Doc. What’s the going rate on a healthy kidney?

DR. PATEL (closes the hospital room door)

What you are talking about is against the law.

GARRETT

So is smoking pot, but we all do it.

DR. PATEL

I have a prescription.

GARRET

I didn’t mean you, but I think you know what I’m getting at.

DR. PATEL

Let me repeat, it is against the law to sell or otherwise receive gifts for donating an organ. We could get into a lot of trouble here.

GLENDA

Bet Derek will think otherwise.

(She shakes him.)

DR. PATEL

We should really let him rest.

GLENDA

Derek! Derek! Wakey, wakey, eggs and bakey.

DEREK

Hunh…Whuh? Um. Oh. Hi, Doc. What’s the good news?

GLENDA

The good news is that your big brother is a perfect match for a kidney for you, Derek.

DEREK

Oh… What does he want?

DR. PATEL

Derek, as I was telling Glenda and Garrett, paying for a kidney is against the law.

DEREK

Oh, I know. I know. And I know my brother. What does he want?

DR. PATEL

I have to put my foot down on this. This is unethical. You’re saving his life.

GARRETT

Which ought to be worth something, don’t you think? Keeps him kicking around another 40-50 years.

DR. PATEL

Any payment is not going to come from the hospital or from the insurance company. You understand that, don’t you?

GARRETT

Well, baby brother, what do you think? Did you still want to take that cruise to Cozy-mell this summer or are you not going to be around for it?

DR. PATEL

This is blackmail.

GARRETT

Call it what you like, I call it doing business, Doc.

DEREK

What do you want, Garrett?

GLENDA

Tell him, honey.

GARRETT

We want your house.

DEREK

My house? Where am I going to live?

GARRETT

Hey, I’m not heartless. You can have our RV. We won’t need it anymore.

DEREK

That mold-infested flea trap? You’re saving me from one coffin and putting me in another.

DR. PATEL

I refuse to listen to this. I’ll check the registry and see if there are any other potential organ donors.

DEREK

Wait. Doc. We both know I’m pretty low on the priority list. Garrett’s my only real chance. And he’s my only brother. He’s lived in that RV at the trailer park for over a decade. It don’t even run anymore. The house is my gift to you, Garrett. Not for the kidney, but because you are my brother and you’re too stupid to ever have a chance to live in a proper house on your own.

GARRETT

Now, you’re talking. Let’s do this thing, Doc.

DR. PATEL

Okay, then. The surgery is in two days. Don’t eat anything tomorrow. Be here Saturday morning at 6am. Any questions?

GARRETT

Need anything else?

GLENDA

I’ve got eggs!

(Blackout)

High Fidelity, HIgh Expectations

High Fidelity
Music by Tom Kitt
Lyrics by Amanda Green
Book by David Lindsay-Abaire
Directed and Choreographed by Peter Amster
Piper's Alley
230 West North Avenue, 3rd floor
Route 66 Theatre Company

Originally a novel by British author Nick Hornby, but drawing more heavily from the Chicago-planted John Cusack film adaptation from 2000, comes High Fidelity, the musical. It's the story of Rob, the owner of a struggling record store trying to work his way through a trail of failed relationships in hopes to win back his latest ex-girlfriend, Laura.

What works well for the show is the environment. It's the story of a small group of friends connected by their love of music. They work in a record store by day and hang out at band bars at night. Putting it in a cabaret/night club setting is the right move. But I will say, if you're going to emulate a bar atmosphere, get a better selection of beer. No bar these characters would go to would serve a "carb free" beer.

This ambitious Route 66 Theatre Company production has its bright spots, but ultimately can't overcome the inherent issues in the story. First off, if your main character is a 40-something loser with a Hair Club for Men coif who still sleeps on a futon that doubles as his couch and is a douchebag when it comes to women, I'm going to have a hard time rooting for the dude. And when the love of his life is a 40-something lawyer who leaves him to find herself and then hooks up with an even douchier dude, well, she gets what she deserves.

If you have any familiarity with the original story, you may be wondering about my reference to the lead characters being in their 40s. They're not supposed to be. Even this production's website describes them as being in their 30s. One of the issues, is that the lead actors don't look it. They look old enough to know better and to have already worked out this stuff. The character of Rob, as written, is a bit of a jerk, but he's a jerk with charm and natural charisma and he means well and you cheer for him when he succeeds and you feel bad when he falls back. Such is not the case here. Stef Tovar, who seems like a competent actor, is miscast. The part of Laura, played by Tricia Small, is thin and underwritten, so its difficult to lay too much burden on her performance. What is definitely missing when these two are together on stage is chemistry. There's no reason for the audience to want them to get together, except to wrap up the show.



Behind the leads, is an excellent supporting cast full the spark and great singing chops one would expect from a musical about the love of rock and roll. Michael Mahler as "Dick" and Blair Robertson as "Anna" steal the show with the too few moments they have together on stage. Jonathan Wagner, in the thankless role of "Barry" that was a breakthrough for Jack Black in the film, does an admirable job and nearly brings the damn house down with the kick ass finale number "Turn The World Off."

Basically, the story has problems. A lot of telling us how people think and feel without showing us. It surprised me when Dick and Barry, the two record store employees, show up at the funeral of their boss's ex-girlfriend's father in the second act, but then I remembered someone mentioned in the first act that they liked Laura. Um, yep. There's a lot of that going on. These story telling flaws can only be overcome with super dynamic actors in the leads, which, they unfortunately don't have here.

Full Price, Discounted Ticket, Comp or Avoid Altogether?

Comp. If you get a chance to see it for free, go see it. I not, go rent the DVD and enjoy the movie's soundtrack, it's like listening to a freeform FM station from the 70s.

Week 31, Day 211 - "The Case of the Speckled Bullet"

“The Case of the Speckled Bullet”
Written by Joe Janes
8/17/09
211 of 365

CAST:
Murdoch, 40s
Chandler, 30s
Sherlock Holmes, 40s
Dr. Watson, 50s

(Lights up on homicide Detective Murdoch and Officer Chandler at a crime scene on an urban street. At their feet is a body covered in a sheet.)

MURDOCH

Another day, another drive-by shooting, right Chandler?

CHANDLER

Poor kid. Looks like he’s all of 17.

MURDOCH

Have the city morgue tag him and bag him. Not much we can do here.

(Enter Sherlock Holmes quickly followed by Dr. Watson.)

SHERLOCK

One moment, detective.

WATSON

Ah, there, Holmes. I told you I heard a gunshot.

SHERLOCK

Very good, Watson. It’s quite fortunate that we happened to be in the neighborhood.

(Holmes lifts the sheet and looks over the body.)

MURDOCH

Who the hell are you guys?

WATSON (laughing)

Oh, my. Oh, my.

CHANDLER

What’s so funny?

WATSON

This is the greatest detective in the world.

SHERLOCK

My comrade has a tendency for hyperbole.

MURDOCH

No, shit. You’re Sherlock Holmes?

SHERLOCK (standing)

Indeed, I am, Detective-

MURDOCH

Murdoch. Nice to meet you. Big fan. We’ve all heard of you.

CHANDLER

I haven’t.

MURDOCH

Those of us with the ability to read have heard of you.

(Chandler shrugs.)

WATSON

It’s a good thing we’re here.

CHANDLER

Don’t know what good it’s going to do. Kid was shot from a moving car. He may have been the target, it may have been a stray, may have been a case of mistaken identity-

MURDOCH

May even have been done on a dare. The odds of us fingering the perp are damn near zero.

WATSON

Oh, the odds don’t matter to Mr. Holmes.

MURDOCH

Well, what can you tell us?

SHERLOCK

Here’s what I can tell you about the victim. He’s a high school student on his way home from football practice. He's a linebacker. He’s right handed. Not an “A” student, but he made passing grades. He has an older brother overseas in the military.

CHANDLER

How do you figure all that?

SHERLOCK

Beefed up shoulders from blocking drills. The right shoulder is larger than the other. The calluses on his right hand indicate he does his homework, but probably uses cheap, inexpensive pens and pencils. He does the work, but doesn’t care enough to be “A” student material. His shoes are a Nike knock-off only available in the Middle East at stores that set up just outside US military bases and feature bootleg American products.

WATSON

That’s brilliant.

MURDOCH

Very impressive.

CHANDLER

So, who’s the killer?

SHERLOCK

Well, I-

WATSON

I bet it was this young man’s butler!

(Murdoch and Chandler shake their heads.)

WATSON (continuing)

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Spurned mistress?

(They shake their heads.)

WATSON (continuing)

Oh! A close relative hoping to inherit his fortune.

MURDOCH

He had a fortune?

SHERLOCK

Doubtful.

WATSON

Perhaps this is the devious work of Professor Moriarty trying to discredit you.

SHERLOCK

Of course, Moriarty!

CHANDLER (to Murdoch)

Who’s Moriarty?

MURDOCH

Real asshole. Where can we find this Moriarty, Mr. Holmes?

SHERLOCK

He’s too clever to leave any evidence at the scene of a crime. And I’m sure he’s constructed an ironclad alibi. Even if you found him, you would probably end up releasing him.

(Murdoch and Chandler laugh.)

WATSON

Now, it’s my turn to ask what’s so funny?

MURDOCH

This is Chicago.

CHANDLER

We’ll beat a confession out of the bastard. Just point us in the right direction.

WATSON

Knowing Moriarty, he’s probably at the Men’s Club in Hyde Park boasting about duping one Sherlock Holmes.

SHERLOCK

Right, you are, Watson.

MURDOCH

Let’s go, Chandler. The morgue crew can clean up here. Thank you, Mr. Holmes. It was a real pleasure to see you and your associate, Dr. Watson, at work.

CHANDLER

Ditto.

(They exit. Holmes and Watson look at the body)

WATSON

You really don’t know who killed this lad, do you?

SHERLOCK

No, I do not. Senseless violence sure has taken the fun out of detective work.

WATSON

Let’s go back to that pub around the corner.

SHERLOCK

Right. I believe the bartender was just about to tell us where we can score some cocaine.

(They walk off. Lights fade.)

Week 30, Day 210 - “A Cup of Joe"

“A Cup of Joe”
Written by Joe Janes
8/16/09
210 of 365

CAST:
Joan, late 20s
Lucy, early 20s
Timm, 50s

(Lights up on a hole-in-the-wall independent bagel and coffee place. Joan stands in the kitchen doorway smoking a cigarette and being sure to blow the smoke outside. Lucy is cleaning and espresso machine.)

JOAN

So… Joe’s coming over tonight. First time. That’s pretty big.

LUCY

I don’t know. I guess. I get to cook for him.

JOAN

Hmmmm… Third date? Fourth date?

LUCY

Fourth. Technically.

JOAN

He’s going to be in your territory.

LUCY

Right. I have the home turf advantage.

JOAN

I doubt he sees it that way.

LUCY

I like the guy. He’s cool. He’s nice. I’m not worried.

JOAN

You cook him dinner. He eats it. He has some wine, yes? (Lucy nods) You have some wine… It’s just too horribly convenient.

LUCY

We’re not eating dinner naked on my bed.

(Timm, 50s, enters and looks up to ponder the coffee menu.)

JOAN

You’re in your apartment. Secluded. Casual. He doesn’t have to want to get you into your bedroom. The whole apartment is a boudoir. You go into the kitchen to get dessert, come back and find him naked standing on your coffee table.

LUCY

You really don’t know Joe.

JOAN

Lucy.

LUCY

What?

JOAN

I do know Joe.

TIMM

Hello. I would like a latte.

LUCY (defiantly)

I don’t have a coffee table.

(She goes back to cleaning. Joan puts out her cigarette. Timm sighs. Blackout.)

Week 30, Day 209 - “Grekkor the Alien"

“Grekkor the Alien”
Written by Joe Janes
8/15/09
209 of 365

CAST
Grekkor, ?
Chance, 30s
Deter, 50s
Dunkin, 40s
Jeri, 20s
Mike, 30s

(Lights click on above Grekkor the Magnificent sitting alone in a chair. He sits still, looking down. He is an alien and dresses in oddly shaped armor. Dreadlock/tentacles pour out from under his helmet. We hear footsteps. Two men in dark suits under and one flips on a switch that brings more light to the room. The two men sit at a table nearby.)

CHANCE

Good morning, Grekkor.

DETER

It’s good to see you, again, Grekkor.

GREKKOR (in a deep, masculine voice)

Hello.

CHANCE

How are you feeling this morning, Grekkor?

GREKKOR

I am feeling fine.

DETER

That’s good to hear. We’re almost finished with our tests.

GREKKOR

That is good.

CHANCE

We thought you would think so.

DETER

Speaking on behalf of all my colleagues, it has truly been a pleasure to work with you.

CHANCE

You are our country’s, well, the world’s, first encounter with a being from another planet.

DETER

And we really appreciate how cooperative you have been.

GREKKOR

Other from my planet were worried that you would throw me on a table and cut me open to see what was inside.

(Chance and Deter look at each other and laugh.)

DETER

How barbaric.

CHANCE

We got everything we needed from your blood samples and the MRI.

DETER

If we cut you open, it would be very hard to ask you about any of it.

CHANCE

Or learn about your culture. Which reminds me, we have a few more questions.

GREKKOR

I am more than happy to answer them.

DETER

Well, I should preface this by saying these questions come from our fellow countrymen.

CHANCE

After we asked all our well-educated scientific-based questions, our president asked that we open up questions to the general public.

(Chance and Deter look at each other a little concerned, a little ashamed.)

GREKKOR

I would like that very much. I have yet to meet anyone from your planet other than your small group of doctors and scientists.

DETER

All the questions were submitted on-line in video. So, you’ll be able to see the person asking the question.

CHANCE

Many of the questions were redundant, so we narrowed it down to the three most popular questions.

DETER

Here’s the first…

(Deter uses a remote to start the video on a screen. Dunkin appears “on screen” wearing a Red Wings jersey and drinking a beer.)

DUNKIN

Hey, there Gekko.

GREKKOR

It’s Grekkor.

CHANCE

He can’t hear you.

DUNKIN

Here’s my question. Cool that you’re an alien, like some interstellar wetback.

GREKKOR

My dorsal is not moist.

DETER

He still can’t hear you.

GREKKOR

Just saying.

DUNKIN

But if you’re here to take away our jobs, that you can get back in that spaceship of yours and fly it all the way to hell. And if you ain’t here to take our jobs, then how you paying for leaching off of Ol’ Uncle Sam?

GREKKOR

Who?

CHANCE

Uh-

DUNKIN

Who’s paying for your room and board there space fella? How we know you ain’t just going to fill up on food and steal all our Fort Knox gold and the next thing we know you’re outta here without so much as a note on the pillow. Well?

(Deter turns off the “video.”)

GREKKOR

Was that the question? “Well?”

DETER

I think Dunkin’s question, if I understood it correctly, is simply, “Why are you here?’

GREKKOR

Why did he use so many words that weren’t that to ask that?

DETER

I don’t know.

GREKKOR

My answer is the same as I told you. We have been aware of your planet for some time. It has only been in the past ten cycles that we have been able to achieve reaching your planet. We wish simply to make contact with you. We’re just saying, “hello.”

CHANCE

I’ll put down “friendly visit.”

DETER

Here’s our next question…

(Deter pushes a button on the remote. Jeri in a tube-top and big blond hair and too much make-up appears on screen.)

JERI

Hi, Gekko. My name is Jeri and I’m from Gainesville, Florida. Whooooo! My question is this. You are from outer space, right? Have you read the Bible? Because there’s no mention of you in the Bible. Which means you are probably Satan and here to destroy us. So, I guess my question is a two-parter. Have you read the Bible? If not, why not? Are you Satan? And are you here to destroy us? Go, Gators!

(Deter turns off the video.)

GREKKOR

That was one of your most asked questions?

DETER

Yes.

GREKKOR

I don’t know how to answer any of that except that I haven’t read the Bible. I don’t know what that is.

CHANCE

It’s a religious book believed by many people here on earth to be the word on where human beings and our plant came from.

GREKKOR

Oh, from Manoobi.

DETER

Manoobi?

GREKKOR

Manoobi created everything in all the galaxies. It is all a part of his divine design.

CHANCE

People here think God created the universe.

GREKKOR

When?

CHANCE

When?

DETER

Well, depends on whom you ask. Some people think only about five thousand years ago. Others, five billion years ago.

GREKKOR

Manoobi wins. He created all living things a trillion years ago. He probably created your God in his own image.

(Chance starts to write this down. Deter stops him.)

DETER

Doesn’t know what the Bible is, hasn’t read it. Let’s leave it at that.

CHANCE

But-

DETER

Let’s leave it at that. Okay. Grekkor, Thank you for your patience. Just one last question.

CHANCE

Do we have to?

DETER

It is the most popular question asked. And this next gentleman did it more succinctly than others. Here we go…

(Deter uses the remote to turn on the video. Mike appears. He is a large man in a too tight t-shirt. He might work out, but he uses steroids, if he does. Beefy without much definition.)

MIKE

Can I fuck you?

GREKKOR

What?

MIKE

I ain’t gay, but I also ain’t never fucked an alien. I’ve fucked a lot of women in my time, one fat chick on a dare, and a few farm animals, not on a dare. I just want to stick my dick in an alien.

(Deter turns it off.)

DETER

I’m really sorry, Grekkor.

CHANCE

Most of our people would like to know what it is like to have sex with you. It could be considered flattering.

DETER

Or stupid.

CHANCE

Please don’t think less of us as a whole.

GREKKOR

I’ll have sex with him.

DETER

You will?

GREKKOR

Sure. It’s a natural curiosity. People from my planet would want to know the same thing about you.

CHANCE (opening a door)

We had Mike brought here in the off chance you agreed to this.

(Mike enters.)

MIKE

He said yes?

GREKKOR (standing)

Hello, Mike.

MIKE

Hot damn! I am going to be famous. I’m the first guy in the whole world to pork an alien.

GREKKOR (picking up Mike)

I am happy to oblige.

MIKE

Just to be clear, I’m a pitcher, not a catcher.

GREKKOR

That’s fine with me.

DETER

You know what that means?

GREKKOR

We call it the same thing on my planet.

(Grekkor carries Mike to the door.)

MIKE

Hey, do I need a condom?

GREKKOR

Not at all. The hooks in my vagina will impale the sperm just before it chews off your penis.

MIKE

Awesome.

(They exit.)

DETER

Write down that Grekkor is a female.

CHANCE

Guess we missed that part. Looks so much like a dude.

MIKE (off)

Oh, God! Oh, God!

GREKKOR (off)

Oh, Manoobi!

(Mike screams. Chance and Deter shake their heads as lights fade.)

Week 30, Day 208 - “Pepper"

“Pepper”
Written by Joe Janes
8/14/09
208 of 365

CAST
Pepper, 30s
Jason, 30s
Pepper?
Jason?

(Lights up on Pepper in a smart looking running outfit complete with an iPod arm band and ear buds securely in ears. She is stretching and warming up before her run. Jason enters with his new puppy dog on a leash. He stand back and off to the side when he sees Pepper. He sits on a bench and speaks to his dog.)

JASON

There she is, Pepper. She does this every afternoon. Does she know? Does she know just how enchanting she is? Her name is Pepper, too. I named you after her. I know, I know, you are not she. But it is nice to come home and say, “Hi, Pepper, I’m home… How was your day, today, Pepper?... You look pretty today, Pepper?” And I can imagine you saying, “Hi, Jason, I missed you… Let me give you kisses, Jason… Let me curl up in your lap and let you rub my ears.” I know her name is Pepper because I heard her answer her cell phone. Very authoritative. “This Pepper… Pepper here… Pepper. Start talking.” I love powerful women. They scare the hell out of me. I so wish I knew her. It would be easier if I knew her. How do you introduce yourself to someone who doesn’t know you from Adam. We don’t work together. We don’t have any mutual friends. I could take up running, but I bet she’s fast. I’d never keep up. She probably does marathons. I couldn’t even do a fun run. It would be anything but fun. Unless watching someone clutching his side, panting and wheezing is someone’s idea of fun. I’ll bet she’s a lawyer. Something powerful. She calls the shots. You don’t mess with her. She’s taking down names. She’s on her feet all day. They probably need rubbing. I would rub them. Every day. I would make the perfect housewife… husband. Househusband. I’d greet her at the door with a refreshing beverage and ask her how her day was and fix her dinner and curl up in her lap when we watch “Dancing With The Stars” or “Nova.” Maybe someday we’ll meet like the way people meet in the movies. We’ll accidentally bump into each other and I’ll help her pick her law books and she’ll help me pick up my Redbox DVD rental. “Why, yes, I am into the film adaptation of John Grisham novels. What’s that? You’re a lawyer? We must continue this discussion over a latte. I know this little place called Starbucks. I have a gift card.” (He sighs. Pepper stops stretching and looks around.)

PEPPER

Jason! Jason!

(Jason and Pepper the dog’s ears perk up. Jason the puppy dog comes bounding up to her.)

PEPPER (continuing)

Good boy! Good boy! Let’s go for a run! Let’s go!

(They run off. Jason and Pepper the dog watch them go.)

JASON

If only we had something in common.

(Blackout)