Week 32, Day 219- “Still Life”

“Still Life”

Written by Joe Janes

8/25/09

219 of 365

CAST

Marcus, 40s

Art Dealer D-Bag, 30s

Art Ho, 20s

(This is a silent scene. If set to music, it might be something similar to the lounge-y instrumental “Objet D’Amour” by Combustible Edison.)

(Lights up on Marcus standing before a blank canvas in t-shirt and jeans with paint and pallet in hand. He stares intently at the canvas. He hesitantly puts the brush close to the canvas, but backs off. He does this a few times. He turns away, takes a few steps, takes a few breaths, turns and goes back to the canvas. He grabs a different brush. He approaches the canvas, practicing his stroke first. He is inches away from putting his brush to the canvas when he just barely touches it. He quickly drops his brush and pallet and cleans off the paint with a rag and paint thinner. He looks around his studio. He sees an empty chair. He moves it and places it where he would if he had a model to paint. He goes back to his canvas, unhappy with the angle, he moves the chair. He returns to the canvas. He moves the chair once more. He returns to the canvas. Still unhappy, he sits in the chair. He sits in it various different ways. While sitting there, he sees a single flower in a vase on small table on the other side of the room. He moves the easel over to the chair and sits down to paint the flower from there. He paints furiously, passionately. He pours his heart and soul into capturing the essence of this flower on his canvas. Finished. Spent. Exhausted. He sits back satisfied with himself. He takes another look at his work. He looks concerned. He picks up the canvas and walks around the room looking at it from different angles in different light. He turns the easel out and sets it back down. It looks like crap. He turns to the flower. He takes it out of the vase and sets it on the table. He picks up a hammer from the floor and beats the piss out of the flower. He holds the flattened, smattered mess up toward the canvas to compare. Satisfied, he returns the beaten flower to its vase. The art dealer comes in with a tall beautiful woman at his side. They are both dressed in Italian chic with sunglasses. The artist is nervous, but happy to see him. The woman stays in the doorway as the art dealer looks at the canvas and is aggressively unimpressed. The art dealer turns and stops in his tracks at the sight of the flower. He is in awe of its magnificence. He delicately picks it up and regards it with reverence. He continues to revere the flowery remains as he walks out the door. The artist follows, but is stopped by the woman who tosses coins on the floor to distract the artist. It works. She exits. The artist scoops up the coins and puts them in his pockets. He looks at the painting with a mixture of disgust and humiliation. He picks up the hammer and starts beating on the canvas as lights fade.)

Week 32, Day 218 - “A Gospel Song for Atheists”

“A Gospel Song for Atheists”
Written by Joe Janes
8/24/09
218 of 365

CAST
Duke, 20s
Lacey, 20s
Zip, 20s
Chip, 30s
Daria, 30s
Molly, 40s

(Lights up on Duke, Lacey, and Zip playing dominoes. Off to the side, Chip and Daria play darts. Molly enters. She enters with a can of beer. She sits away from everyone else and pops it open.)

CHIP

Hey, Sarge. What’s up?

MOLLY

You guys hear about Keith?

DARIA

Yah. We heard. It sucks.

ZIP

I didn’t hear.

LACEY

Keith got hit.

ZIP

Sniper?

DUKE

Volvo. He was jay walking.

CHIP

Come all the way across the world to put your life on the line for your country and get killed by a car. Shit. I could have done that at home.

MOLLY

At least he’s in a better place.

CHIP

Depends on who you ask.

DARIA

What’s that mean? Keith was a good guy.

ZIP

Dude’s in heaven.

LACEY

Keith was an atheist. Don’t you have to believe in heaven to get into heaven?

DUKE

I don’t think that excludes you. Maybe it's like a surprise party. “Surprise – you’ve reached the golden gates.”

MOLLY

If you ask the Muslims, the ones we’re fighting for or against on any given day, they’ll tell you we’re all going to hell regardless of what we do.

ZIP

They actually are pro killing people to get into heaven.

LACEY

And they set you up with 27 virgins if you do. Is that really a plus? Getting hooked up with a room full of Dukes?

DUKE

Hey!

CHIP (singing)

People trying to get into heaven
sure makes it hell of earth
Christians claim to be very wise men
Who believe in virgin birth

CHORUS (ALL)

Shine a light
Show the way
Are they right?
Do I really have to pray?

DARIA

So many religions all with their own take

MOLLY

Trying to figure out why I’m fighting Shiites and Sunnis

ZIP

Is it for God, Muhammad or Joseph Smith’s sake?

DARIA

I remember growing up only fearing the Moonies

MOLLY (speaking)

At the airport.

DARIA (speaking)

That’s right.

CHIP

All we have is our brief moment in time
We’re on this planet separate, but equal
When we’ve taken our last breath, all is sublime
That’s it, it’s over, there’s not even a sequel

CHORUS (ALL)

Shine a light
Show the way
Are they right?
Does it matter what they say?

LACEY (bridge)

What if one of them is right or maybe it’s all
Methodist or Mormon or flying spaghetti
We just have to do something to avoid a fall (to hell)
We just have to believe in something and not be petty

CHIP

You think we do end up wherever we believe

MOLLY

If we have faith in nothing, the lights just get turned off

DUKE

When you kiss that bus or bullet you go on permanent leave

ZIP

The grim reaper just grabs your balls and tells you to cough

CHORUS (ALL)

Turn off the light
There is no way
No one is right
Better just live for the day

(Air raid sirens start going off – They all look at one another. Duke crosses himself, Zip kisses his rosary beads, Molly says a quick prayer, Chip quickly meditates, Daria kisses her Star of David, and Lacey faces Mecca and quickly does a Muslim salat prayer ritual

ALL

Better just live for the day

(Blackout)

Week 31, Day 217 -“Art and About with Randy Carson”

“Art and About with Randy Carson”

Written by Joe Janes

8/23/09

217 of 365

Cast:

Randy, 30s

Ed, 60s

Fred, 60s

Irene, 60s

(Lights up on Randy seated at a card table with three microphones. He wears big, bulky headphones. Seated next to him, is Ed.)

RANDY

Hello, Vacationland. Welcome to Art & About with Randy Carson, your radio connection to the world of the performing arts in Ottawa County. I’m your host, Randy Carson. I’m here on stage at Stagecrafter’s Civic Theater which is celebrating its 50^th anniversary this week. With me today is Ed Vangeloff, the artistic director of Stagemaker’s . Welcome, Ed.

ED

Thank you, Randy.

RANDY

Fifty years! Wow! That is a long time for a community theater to be in existence. It’s a long time for anything to be in existence. Congratulations.

ED

Thank you, Randy. But I want your listeners to know, that I haven’t been around for the whole fifty years. (he laughs) I’m not that old.

RANDY

How many years have you been with Stagecrafter’s?

ED

48. I remember as a teenager seeing the Stagemaker’s first

production of “Our Town” and I guess you could say I caught the acting bug. I knew right then and there that theater was something I wanted to do in my spare time.

RANDY

And I must say, I’m probably your biggest fan, Ed. You’ve been in over 80 productions with Stagecrafter’s. What have been your favorite shows that you’ve been in?

ED

That’s hard to say. I like every production of “Fiddler on the Roof” we ever did. I played Tevye in eight of them. Every Neil Simon comedy we ever did has been a winner.

RANDY

Always a huge crowd pleaser. Which ones have you done?

ED

Uh, “The Odd Couple,” “The Sunshine Boys,” which is like an older Odd Couple, “Barefoot in the Park,” which is like a male/female Odd Couple. Very funny. All of them. I usually play the Walter Mathau role. And Fred Heckert usually plays the fussy, neat Jack Lemmon-y guy.

RANDY

Even in Barefoot in the Park?

ED

Oh, no, my wife played opposite me in that. In fact, it’s how we met. Isn’t that right, Irene?

IRENE(off)

No!

ED

No, it’s not, we met in high school. (to Irene) This makes a better story! We don’t do “Barefoot” as often as we do “Odd Couple.” We’ve done that one 10 times over the years and it’s always me and Fred. Which is funny, because in real life, we’re the complete opposite. I’m the tidy guy and Fred’s the slob. Well, ever since his wife left him over his drinking problem, he’s been the slob.

FRED(approaching, opening a beer can)

Did I hear my name? Is this guy feeding you a pack of lies?

ED(quietly)

We’re doing an interview for the radio, Fred.

FRED

Oh, yeah, sure, sure…shhhh-shhhhh. Hey, the girl building flats is hot. Meow. Shhhhhhh. (walks away, drinking)

ED

She’s in high school Fred.

FRED

Shhhhh! Don’t spook her.

RANDY

Now, Ed, with this being the 50^th anniversary of Stagemaker’s are we going to be seeing anything new?

ED

As a matter of fact, we are. We’ve tackled a lot of the classics over the years, like “The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas” and “South Pacific”. This year, we’re digging even further back, and trying our hand at Shakespeare’s “Othello”. It sounds like we’re taking a big risk, but when you think about it, Shakespeare was the Neil Simon of his time.

RANDY

He certainly was. He did comedy and drama, just like Neil Simon. I understand you prepared a little something for us.

ED

Uh, yeah. Hey, Fred … we’re going to do the scene now. What you’re going to hear is me as Othello and Fred as Iago rehearsing one of our scenes.

FRED (re-entering)

She keeps Ed in line.

RANDY

Do you always take the male lead in all of Stagemaker’s productions?

ED

Um, well, it does seem to work out that way. But I audition like everyone else.

RANDY

And who’s directing this production?

ED

That would be Irene Vangeloff, my wife…

(in the background, the sound of hammering is heard)

IRENE (off)

Ray! Ray! Stop with the hammering! God dammit, Ray! Enough with the hammering! (The hammering stops.) Thank you.

(We hear a hammer being thrown down and some muttering from Ray as he stomps off. Fred has taken his oplace at the card table. Iago, performed by Ed, is played as if he were Walter Mathau/Oscar Madison and Othello, performed by Fred, is played as if he were Jack Lemmon/Felix Unger.)

OTHELLO (exasperated)

What do'st thou thinke, Iago?

IAGO

Thinke, my Lord?

OTHELLO

Thinke, my Lord? Alas, thou ecchos't me; As if there were some Monster in thy thought Too hideous to be shewne.

IAGO

Men should be what they seeme.

OTHELLO

Thou do'st conspire against thy Friend, Iago.

IAGO

I do beseech you, To let you know my thoughts

OTHELLO

What dost thou meane?

IAGO

Who steales my purse, steales trash:

OTHELLO

Ha?

IAGO

Oh, beware my Lord, of jealousie, It is the greene-ey'd Monster, which doth mocke The meate it feeds on.

OTHELLO

Iago, Iago, Iago!

IRENE (off)

And scene!

(Sound of a beer can opening. Fred gulps down his drink during his next line.)

FRED

That felt good… I liked that…Should I gay it up more? That always gets laughs.

IRENE (off)

You gay it up any more and we’ll have to loan you my heels. Ha!

ED (to Irene)

I think I should do this with my hand more. You know, gesture more, like I’m acting.

IRENE(off)

Whatever you want, honey.

RANDY

Well, that was really exciting, Ed.

ED

It’s an opportunity to offer our audiences some culture and it gives me a chance to really stretch as an actor. I get to wear blackface.

FRED

We don’t do minstrel shows anymore, but we do still have a lot of make-up left over from those days. So, it’s good to put it to use.

RANDY

And you’ll be walking in the footsteps of some many great actors who have put on blackface for that role. Orson Welles, Lawrence Olivier…

ED

Yeah, and that guy who was the bartender on “The Love Boat”.

RANDY

He probably didn’t wear the blackface.

ED

Who knows. I wasn’t there.

RANDY

This is Randy Carson wishing Stagecrafter’s a happy 50^th anniversary here on Art and About with Randy Carson. I’ll be seeing you in the front row.

(Blackout)

Week 31, Day 216 -“A Member of the Church of God”

“A Member of the Church of God”

Written by Joe Janes

8/22/09

216 of 365

CAST

Yvonne, 40s

Larry, 40s

Mikey, 6

(Lights up on Yvonne and Larry sitting in their living room. On the floor, Mikey draws on a piece of paper.)

YVONNE

I don’t see why God can’t be a woman.

LARRY

God created ”man” in “his” image.

YVONNE

Just because they don’t have gender-neutral pronouns in the Bible, doesn’t mean God is not a woman. Or, for that matter, gender-neutral. Why does God have to be anything?

LARRY

God is a man. Jesus was a man. Our minister is a man. God is a man.

YVONNE

Whatever. (She sighs.) What are you drawing there, Mikey?

MIKEY (showing his parents)

It’s a picture of God… and that’s his penis.

(Yvonne glares at Larry. Larry grabs the drawing and crumples it up embarrassed. Mikey has no idea what just happened. Blackout.)

Week 31, Day 215 -“The Unicorn and The Vengeance”

“The Unicorn and The Vengeance”

Written by Joe Janes

8/21/09

215 of 365

CAST

DeFarge, 60s

Jacques Three, 20s

The Vengeance, 20s

Jacques Two, 20s

(Lights up on Madame DeFarge sitting in her rocking chair kitting with gnarled fingers and smoking a pipe. Jacques Three is behind the bar pouring himself a mug of wine.)

DEFARGE

Don’t drink all the wine, Jacques Three.

JACQUES

I shall only drink what will fit in my belly, Madame DeFarge. The rest may stay in the barrel.

DEFARGE

You are no good to us drunk. We may need you to run errands.

JACQUES

I run better on wine.

(The Vengeance enters out of breath. She is a small woman with an eye patch.)

VENGEANCE

Madame DeFarge.

DEFARGE

The Vengeance. We nearly gave up hope of your return.

VENGEANCE

I travelled along the shadows. That takes longer.

JACQUES

Wine?

VENGEANCE

Don’t mind if I do.

(She swipes his mug from his hand and drinks with great thirst.)

DEFARGE

The king has been busy.

VENGEANCE

He has. And he is about to levy a new tax on the poor to pay for the extravagances of the rich. He shall announce it tomorrow from his balcony.

JACQUES

It is time to let his royal blood pour from that balcony!

DEFARGE

Calm down Jacques Three. Jacques Two thought the same thing.

VENGEANCE

As did Jacques One.

DEFARGE

We must not be hasty.

JACQUES

What should prevent me from walking right up to him with my unicorn and slitting his throat?

VENGEANCE

Your unicorn?

DEFARGE

His knife.

JACQUES (taking out his knife)

The infidel shall kneel before my unicorn.

VENGEANCE

You may wish to give it another name.

JACQUES

I think not. It is sharp. It is pointed. It is singular. It has the thrusting power of a horse behind it. (He pats his arm.)

VENGEANCE

And he will double over with laughter before he has the chance to double over in pain from its “thrust.” I prefer the quick and mighty speed of my pistol. Named for the sound of thunder. I call it The Clap.

DEFARGE

The clap?

VENGEANCE

Like a clap of thunder. Boom!

JACQUES

I would rather give a man my unicorn than the clap.

(She looks puzzled.)

DEFARGE

It’s a venereal disease.

VENGEANCE

I would rather give the king a burning sensation than a pony.

DEFARGE

You both have mighty weapons, just don’t talk about them just before using them.

JACQUES

My unicorn would stop his tongue (He makes a slashing motion across his throat) and then my “pony” would drink from his bubbling red stream.

VENGEANCE

My clap would explode in his chest and spread throughout his body till his blood dripped out in painful fits and starts.

(Jacques Two enters.)

JACQUES TWO

Still plotting the death of our highness?

DEFARGE

Jacques Two!

JACQUES

We thought you were dead.

VENGEANCE

I saw your body fall.

JACQUES TWO

I did come upon the king in a royal procession through the village square. I did sneak through the crowd and stealthily slip down through the roof of his carriage. Face to face with the king, I whipped out my pee-pee.

JACQUES

Your sword?

VENGEANCE

Your gun?

JACQUES TWO

My…pee-pee. I wanted to show the king that he was no better than any other man. That if you strip away our clothes, we are all the same and should be treated equally. Perhaps I should have not had my fill of wine beforehand.

(DeFarge looks at Jacques Three who hangs his head.)

DEFARGE

And how did the king respond?

JACQUES TWO

He showed me his pee-pee. The royal pee-pee. It…. was quite impressive. Much like a young man’s forearm. With a grip. Without saying a word, I lost my argument. I threw myself from his carriage in humiliation and my head struck a rock along the street. I lay unconscious for a few minutes, but did not get up for several days. I was deeply embarrassed.

JACQUES

You had an opportunity to kill the king and you did not take it? You coward!

JACQUES TWO

Until you have seen the royal unit right in front of your face, you cannot speak to me about cowardice. Twas not cowardice. It was reverence to all that is holy.

JACQUES

Your impotence shall answer to my unicorn. (Jacques Three comes at Jacques Two with his knife.)

VENGEANCE

Not before I give you the clap! (Vengeance aims her pistol at Jacques from behind. Jacques Two looks at her, then back at Jacques Two, he breaks out laughing. He quickly doubles over. Jacques Two stabs Vengeance as she shoots Jacques Two. They fall. Jacques Two looks at the carnage. DeFarge continues knitting.)

DEFARGE

I told them not to talk about their weapons before using them.

(DeFarge whips a knitting needle at Jacques Two who is hit in the chest and falls to the ground. DeFarge takes another needle out of her bag and resumes knitting, barely missing a beat.)

DEFARGE (continuing)

Like that. Where am I going to find a Jacques Four?

(She keeps knitting. Lights fade.)

Week 31, Day 214 - “Stop SHOUTING"

“Stop SHOUTING”
Written by Joe Janes
8/20/09
214 of 365

CAST

Mel, 20s

Julie, 20s

Cal, 40s

Evelyn, 60s

Viv, 30s

Bruno, 30s

(Lights up on a crowded El train. We see Mel getting on and sitting. Down the way and across the aisle from him in another seat is Julie with headphones on. Cal, a businessman, stands reading a newspaper. Evelyn, an older woman with a shopping bag sits next to her adult daughter, Viv. Bruno, in a red beret and white t-shirt, stands near the door. Mel sees Julie and texts something to her and sends it. Julie gets the text on her iPhone, reads it and smiles over at Mel. She sends something back. He reads it and smiles and sends something back to her. She reads it and texts something back to him. He looks offended.)

MEL

Hey. There’s no need to shout.

JULIE (taking off her headphones)

What?

MEL

There’s no need to shout!

JULIE

I didn’t shout. I texted you.

MEL

You used all caps. Shouting.

JULIE

Oh, no, I just really meant what I said. I wasn’t shouting.

MEL

All caps. Shouting?

CAL

Yep. Shouting.

MEL

All caps?

VIV

Shouting.

EVELYN (to Julie)

There’s no need to be so rude.

JULIE

I wasn’t shouting. If I wanted to shout, I would have used an exclamation point.

MEL

Punctuation. Great. Treat me like I’m stupid.

JULIE

All caps does not mean shouting. If I used all lowercase letters would I have been whispering?

MEL

Yes.

VIV

It’s more intimate.

EVELYN

Good for naughty talk.

BRUNO

Gotta watch the all caps, lady. I once sent out an all-office e-mail that was all caps. Didn’t even realize it. I had the “caps lock” button on. Upset a lot of people that day. Some of them went home crying. Ended up having to send out an apology e-mail. Still, got the cold shoulder from most everyone for weeks. Weeks. Ended up leaving because no one would talk to me.

(Julie starts texting, again. The train stops.)

MEL

Looks like I’m going to get an apology. (Julie hits the send button and walks off the train. He reads the e-mail.) Or at least a suggestion on where I can effectively store my Blackberry. It won’t fit there!... She knows that.

(He goes back to texting. BLACKOUT)

Week 31, Day 213 - “Had This Been An Actual Emergency”

“Had This Been An Actual Emergency”
Written by Joe Janes
8/19/09
213 of 365

Cast

Gordon, 30s

Chester, 30s

Ithamar, 30s

Dorf, 30s

Jackie, 30s

Nyima, 30s

(Lights up on Gordon sitting at his desk. Chester pops his head in.)

CHESTER

Hey, Gord-o.

GORDON

Chester.

CHESTER

You wanted to see me?

GORDON

Yes, come on in. Have a seat.

(Chester does. He has a rag sticking out of his back pocket.)

GORDON

What’s with the rag?

CHESTER

I noticed the windows on your car were dirty, so I cleaned them off for you.

GORDON

You really didn’t have to do that.

CHESTER

Oh, and hey. I got you something while I was at lunch.

GORDON

Chester, please-

CHESTER (handing him a plastic card)

I saw this and I thought of you. Spur of the moment thing.

GORDON

A $25 gift card to Wicker World.

CHESTER

Perfect, right? I know how crazy you are about wicker.

GORDON

I’m really not.

CHESTER

You have a wicker basket near your desk.

GORDON

That you gave me. Chester, the gifts, the good deeds, I told you, they have to stop.

CHESTER

Nonsense. You’re the boss. Just trying to keep you happy. If Poppa Bear’s not happy nobody’s happy.

GORDON

You’re fired.

(Lights go to black. Emergency lights come on as we hear a pulsing buzzer sound. Two cast members, Ithamar and Dorf, in gas masks and carrying batons, come out and flank the edges of the stage. Nyima enters dressed in regular show clothes. She signals for the buzzer to be shut off.)

NYIMA

It’s go time, people. This is not a drill. I repeat, this is not a drill.

GORDON

I knew this would happen.

CHESTER

It was just a matter of time.

NYIMA

Ladies and gentlemen, do not panic. We have been alerted by the authorities that somewhere in this audience is a republican.

(She points at a conservatively dressed Jackie in the audience. Ithamar and Dorf come down and flank Jackie.)

NYIMA

You, ma’am. You are a republican.

JACKIE

What? Nonsense. It’s nonsense. Do I look like a republican? Would I be at a comedy show if I were a republican?

NYIMA

Then what party are you affiliated with, ma’am?

JACKIE

I am an American.

GORDON

Yep. Republican.

NYIMA

Bring her here.

CHESTER

Careful, she’s probably armed.

(Ithamar and Dorf herd her to the stage with their guns and secure her to a chair.)

JACKIE

I thought I was coming to a comedy show, not a Nazi rally.

NYIMA

Stuff a sock in it, Red. You’re busted. We noticed how you laughed.

JACKIE

What? It’s a comedy show. I was laughing.

GORDON

You were laughing only after everyone else laughed.

CHESTER

You were cuing off of them. (Points to audience) You didn’t get our jokes.

JACKIE

Ridiculous. I laugh all the time.

NYIMA

What’s your favorite comedy show?

JACKIE

Oh, that’s easy. I love, love, The Cosby Show.

GORDON

Anything that’s on, oh, this century?

JACKIE

Nothing you would of heard of. I’m into some obscure, underground, edgy comedy stuff. Stuff you’d only see on cable.

CHESTER

Like what?

JACKIE

Jeff Foxworthy. Carrot Top.

NYIMA

You’re not helping your case. It is well documented that republicans lack a sense of humor.

GORDON

Except P.J. O’Rourke.

NYIMA

Except P. J. O’Rourke.

JACKIE

Who?

(This time a siren goes off. Ithamar takes off his gas mask and signals for the siren to be cut off.)

ITHAMAR

Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize to anyone in our audience who may be a republican. We know that not all of you are bad or without humor. And, regardless of our beliefs, you have every right to give us money and not get our jokes. We now resume our scene.

(He claps his hands, everyone runs off except for Gordon and Chester. Jackie remains strapped to the chair.)

GORDON

You’re fired.

CHESTER

But, why?

GORDON

You don’t do any work around here. You do me lots of favors and give me gifts I don’t need, but when it comes down to it, you don’t do anything. In fact, you put off doing things and work to prevent others from doing their work. You also lie about what you have been doing and about what others say they are doing. You and facts don’t get along. You’re like a republican.

JACKIE (sarcastically)

Ha, ha. (pause, then sincerely…) That was funny, right?

(Blackout.)