DAY 365 - "White Chocolate"

Thank you everyone who has supported me on this yearlong creative journey. People have told me they have found it inspirational which alone has made it worth it.

Tomorrow night, I'll be at Goose Island in Wrigleyville tipping back a pale ale around 7pm. Stop by and say howdy if you can.

The next step in the project is to start rewriting and prepping 26 shows that will present all 365 sketches over ten days in June at the Strawdog Theater. But I won't start that until Wednesday. Tomorrow is my first day off in a year from sketch writing. I will keep people posted on the progress on this blog. We'll keep the "365 Sketches" name for a while longer.

Big thanks to Don Hall who, aside from inspiring a few scenes, has been very empowering in keeping me looking forward and is producing the Strawdog shows. I don't know if there's anyone who has read all 365, but if anyone has come close, it's my brother Don and fellow Robot vs. Dinosaur, Chris Othic. Alisa Hauser, Mark Krause and Kayla Branch have probably read the majority of them. Their support has been invaluable. (If there is someone who has read them all that I missed, let me know. I'd like to thank you.) The people who have given me shout outs from time-to-time or asked me how it was going are too numerous to try to list and I'm sure I would fail in trying to remember them all. Your encouragement was also appreciated.

I also received tremendous support through my participation in Robot vs. Dinosaur ("Run, Palindrome, Nur" and "Mrs. Gruber's Ding Dong School") and WNEP ("The (edward) Hopper Project" and "Nighthawk Sandwich"). They gave me projects to write for which helped keep me going. My Tuesday night men's goals group (Mike, Matt, Brian, Doug, Tony, Brad, Tom and Ed) also kept me accountable.

Chris warned against doing the 365 project. His reasoning was sound. It might suck and, in turn, do damage to my reputation as a writer and a teacher. But once I embarked on it, he became one of my staunchest supporters and never backed off on tough criticism or high praise when giving feedback on scenes.

This is for Chris who requested a scene on a spaceship with aliens and women in mini-skirts.

“White Chocolate”

Written by Joe Janes

1/18/10

365 of 365

Cast:

Capt. Bob Dingle, 40s

Carlo, 20s

Cassandra, 20s

Duche, ???

Chak Bluker, ???

(Lights up on Captain Bob Dingle quarters on the spaceship U.S.S. Amaretto. We hear a COM whistle. The captain walks out shirtless, in tight black pants, drying his hair with a space towel. He presses a button on his communication console.)

DINGLE

Captain Bob Dingle, here.

CARLO (VO)

Yes, captain. I know.

DINGLE

What is it, Carlo?

CARLO (VO)

We just entered the Vagon quadrant and are on a steady course to Alpha 3. We should be there in six hours.

DINGLE

Thank you, Carlo. Is Yeoman Cassandra on her way?

CARLO (VO - sighs)

Yes, Sir. She’s bringing you the reports you asked for.

DINGLE

Excellent. We are not to be disturbed. Is that clear?

CARLO (VO)

As usual with new female crew members.

DINGLE

Have the galley send up some Parnassian Champagne and some of those toasted coconut scallop thingies from Enyothic 4. I think this meeting could last hours. Hours upon hours. We’ll need sustenance.

CARLO (VO)

They should already be in your quarters, sir.

DINGLE

Ah, yes. I see. Thank you, Ensign. (There is an old-timey doorbell sound.) I have to go. Wish me luck.

CARLO (VO)

Sir?

DINGLE

It’s something sailor’s do.

CARLO (VO)

Good luck, Sir.

DINGLE

I won’t need it.

(He presses a button. Sits seductively in his chair.)

DINGLE (continuing)

Come in.

(Yeoman Cassandra comes in. Her uniform is a one-piece short skirt and boots. She carries space clipboards with her.)

CASSANDRA

I have the supply reports, Captain.

DINGLE

Go ahead and set them down over there. (She does.) Oh, that’s good.

CASSANDRA

You look like you just got out of the shower. I can come back.

DINGLE

Nonsense. We’re a military outfit on the USS Amaretto. Close quarters. In the trenches. Space trenches. There are going to be times when we’ll see one another in various states of undress. We have to get used to it. (He traces one of his nipples.) Do you find it distracting?

CASSANDRA

I’m a little uncomfortable.

DINGLE

I’ll go ahead and change. (He walks off.) How is your first interstellar space mission going, Yeoman? Is it everything you expected?

CASSANDRA

It’s very exciting. Going to worlds most humans can only imagine. I look forward to learning about alien cultures first hand.

DINGLE

I can take you places no woman has ever been.

(Dingle reenters wearing a smoking jacket over his bare chest.)

DINGLE (continuing)

There. That’s better. I was just going to have a sip of champagne and a toasted scallop or two. Would you like to join me?

CASSANDRA

Captain. I have a husband.

DINGLE

Oh. You haven’t heard.

CASSANDRA

Heard what?

DINGLE

What happens the Vagon quadrant stays in the Vagon quadrant.

(We hear the COM whistle, again. Dingle pushes a button.)

DINGLE

Captain Bob Dingle, here.

CARLO (VO)

Yes, Sir. There is an important message from space command. It’s on a secured channel.

DINGLE

Right on schedule, Carlo. Pump it into my cabin.

CARLO (VO –sighs)

Yes, Sir.

(We hear Marvin Gaye’s “Let’s Get It On” start playing in the captain’s quarters. He starts dancing “seductively” at Cassandra.)

DINGLE

Ooh. That sounds like a very important message, Yeoman.

CASSANDRA

It sounds like an old rhythm and blues song from the mid-20^th century.

DINGLE

That’s because it’s in code. I’ll decipher it for you. “Attention. Codename: White Chocolate…That’s me…”

CASSANDRA

That’s not the lyrics.

DINGLE

It’s embedded in the thumping, throbbing rhythms, Cassandra. To read it properly, I need to put my hips into it. If you move your hips, you might be able hear it, too. (He listens, again.) “…Your mission in space may last another year without returning home to loved ones. A long, cold, lonely 365 earth days. Recommend to fend off space madness, that crewmembers have conjugal visitations with one another. As captain, you should be taken care of first.” And then it repeats. Well, there you go, Yeoman Cassandra. We have to protect Captain White Chocolate from space madness.

(Cassandra goes over to the console and turns the music off.)

CASSANDRA

You’re the captain of the most powerful spaceship in the galaxy and you have to resort to tactics like this to try to get laid?

DINGLE

Yes.

(We hear a loud crash. Lights flicker and go dim. Cassandra and Dingle get knocked into each other and around the cabin. Warning alarms go off. Carlo breaks in on the COM.)

CARLO (VO)

Captain! Captain! We’re under attack.

(The shaking stops. Cassandra pushes Dingle off her.)

DINGLE

Who is it, Carlo?

CARLO (VO)

Haggian Chak Blukers, Sir!

DINGLE

Chak Blukers! Damn, them! They always know when I’m about to get some.

CASSANDRA

You weren’t-

DINGLE

Fire everything you’ve got at them!

CARLO (VO)

It’s too late. They boarded us, already. (We hear sounds of fighting and lasers being shot.) Captain, they got…me. (We hear the sound of a phone go dead and then a dial tone. Dingle pushes a button and turns it off.)

DINGLE

I have a bad feeling about this.

CASSANDRA

You should. We’re in trouble.

(There is the sound of a blast and Duche Bog, a large smelly Haggian Chalk Bluker, bursts in with another similarly large and smelly Chalk Bluker. Duche points his weapon at Dingle. The other Bluker grabs Cassandra.)

DINGLE

Duche Bog! I should have known.

DUCHE

Captain Bob Dingle. Aka, White Chocolate.

DINGLE

You broke our code!

DUCHE

Oh, please. You’ve been trying to spread that nickname in three galaxies.

DINGLE

It fits, don’t you think?

DUCHE

I have no idea what it refers to in your world, but I don’t think it will replace what everyone already calls you.

DINGLE

And what’s that?

DUCHE

Jackass. We have unfinished business. You gallivant across the universe and try to screw any race that has a hole you can stick your weenie in.

CASSANDRA

You call it a weenie on your planet?

DUCHE

“Weenie” and “jackass” are universal. Unfortunately, your captain doesn’t do his research. He killed a friend of mine, a Dolphinium, by plugging up the blowhole with his weenie.

CASSANDRA

Ew.

DINGLE

I thought the squeals meant she was enjoying it.

DUCHE

You mean “he.”

DINGLE

Ew.

DUCHE

You. Earth woman. (He takes off his belt and walks up to her.) Leave.

DINGLE

What will happen to her?

DUCHE

We will put her on our slave ship where we will make her wear a metal bikini and take anti-gravity bubble baths in a glass enclosure. She will also read us bedtime stories. (He shrugs.) We have trouble sleeping.

CASSANDRA

Captain!

DINGLE

Don’t worry. I will rescue you.

DUCHE

You can try. (He signals for her to be taken off and the other Chak Bluker does so.) If you can still walk.

(Duche sets his weapon down and presses a button on the console. We hear “Let’s Get It On.” He starts dancing at a terrified Dingle as lights fade.)

Week 52, Day 364 - "Curtain Call"

“Curtain Call”

Written by Joe Janes

1/17/10

364 of 365

Cast:

Andrew, 20s

Amanda, 20s

Paul, 40s

Judy, 40s

Top Half, 20s

Bottom Half, 20s

(Lights up on Amanda sitting on a park bench. Andrew shyly walks over. They exchange cute glances. He sits. He is very nervous and doesn’t look at her. She is nervous, too. )

ANDREW

I don’t know what to say…

AMANDA

I don’t either.

ANDREW

Maybe we don’t have to say anything.

AMANDA

Maybe we don’t.

(Still without look at one another, they slowly creep their hands towards one another on the seat of the bench until their pinkies intertwine. They are excited and somewhat relieved to be doing this. Paul and Judy, a couple in the second or third row of the theater get up and start moving down the row towards the aisle. They are very polite about this, but clearly being loud and obvious enough to be a distraction.)

ANDREW (To Paul and Judy)

What are you doing?

AMANDA (To Andrew)

What are you doing?

ANDREW

I’m talking to them.

AMANDA

Stay in character. Ignore them.

ANDREW

I can’t. Everyone in the theater is watching them. (He stands.) Hey! Hey you!

JUDY

Honey.

PAUL

What?

(Judy points to the stage. Paul sees that Andrew is staring at them.)

ANDREW

Is there a problem?

PAUL

We were just leaving. We really didn’t mean to disturb you. Sorry.

ANDREW

The play’s almost over.

PAUL

I could tell. It looked like you were winding things up.

JUDY

We have a babysitter.

PAUL

We wanted to get a jump on the traffic. (Judy hits him.) Because our babysitter is expensive. She charges by the minute.

ANDREW

Look, if you don’t like the show. That’s fine.

AMANDA

That’s not fine. I want you to like the show.

ANDREW

But if they don’t, there’s not much we can do about it.

AMANDA

It might get better.

PAUL

You said it was almost over.

AMANDA

We declare our love for one another.

JUDY

You just now finally spoke. How could you possibly be in love?

AMANDA

Because my character has butterflies when she sees him.

ANDREW

Mine, too.

PAUL

Jesus, who wrote this? A twelve-year-old girl? Do you ride off into the sunset on a unicorn that farts rainbows?

(Pause)

ANDREW

He doesn’t fart rainbows.

PAUL

We’re going. Look. I’m sorry folks. We always leave early. Sporting events, funerals, plays. There. The secret’s out. We know where this is going. You get together. Hooray. We’re not going to miss anything avoiding the crowd.

AMANDA

You don’t know that for sure. It hasn’t happened, yet.

PAUL

Honey?

JUDY

Oh, Paul. I love you. There. I said it. I can’t fight my feelings.

PAUL

Judy. I love you, too. Even though we just met.

JUDY

My life was horrible and lonely until you came into my life today.

PAUL

I never knew how happy I could be until this very moment. No. Wait. I know how I could be happier.

JUDY

What is it? I would do anything.

PAUL

Marry me.

JUDY

I will!

PAUL

Then we ride off on the rainbow farting unicorn.

ANDREW

He doesn’t fart rainbows.

AMANDA

Thanks for ruining the ending for everyone.

PAUL

And then the lights go to black and pop back up and we see this! (Paul and Judy to an over-the-top version of smiling and bowing and being out of breath.)

JUDY

And it goes on forever. Especially if some jackasses stand up and clap.

PAUL

Which also makes it harder to get out of the row.

ANDREW

Thank you making a complete mockery of my profession.

AMANDA

You’re getting paid?

ANDREW

I meant that figuratively. Hey, why’d you even come to the theater? You don’t seem to like it. You were already planning to cut out early. You could have done everyone a favor and leave after the first scene.

JUDY

We know somebody in the cast.

PAUL

We’ll text them how good they were, because right now, we’re getting the hell out of here.

JUDY

Goodnight.

(They exit.)

AMANDA

Bye.

(Andrew and Amanda look at each other and aren’t sure what to do. A unicorn - two men in a makeshift horse costume – comes bursting out.)

TOP HALF

Did we miss our cue?

(Bottom Half separates and looks out into the audience.)

BOTTOM HALF

Dammit. My parents left early, again.

(Andrew and Amanda give him a dirty look. Blackout.)

Day 366 is coming!

I finish the 365 project on Monday. Please join me at Goose Island in Wrigleyville, just a few doors south of iO on Clark on Tuesday. I'll be there around 7pm-ish and we'll be there most of the evening, I'm sure.

Week 52, Day 363 - "Pay It Sideways"

“Pay It Sideways”

Written by Joe Janes

1/16/10

363 of 365

CAST

Richard, 50s

Ashley, 30s

Matthew, 30s

(Lights up on Richard sitting in a small restaurant eating soup at a table for one. Next to him are Ashley and Matthew on a dinner date.)

ASHLEY

You look just like your profile.

MATTHEW

You look better than your profile.

ASHLEY

Oh, stop it.

MATTHEW

Seriously.

ASHLEY

Your profile said you love movies.

MATTHEW

Oh, big film buff.

(Richard shows some interest as he continues to eat soup.)

ASHLEY

What kind of movies do you like?

MATTHEW

Oh, all kinds. As long as they’re good.

ASHLEY

I like the classics.

MATTHEW

Me, too. As long as they’re good.

ASHLEY

What’s your favorite movie?

MATTHEW

Oh, you know. I guess my favorite movie of all time is “Gone With The Wind.”

(Richard looks pleased.)

ASHLEY

Never saw it.

MATTHEW

Me neither.

(They laugh. Richard looks disappointed.)

ASHLEY

I saw a really good movie the other day. Really sweet. What the hell was it called?

MATTHEW

I don’t know.

ASHLEY

It had that guy in it. And that kid. The kid from “Sixth Sense.”

MATTHEW

Haley Joel Osmond.

ASHLEY

Yes. Him. He’s such a good child actor. What was that movie? It was about people doing nice things for other people and he’s trying to get his mother laid.

MATTHEW

Oh. I know what you’re talking about. Um… “Pay It Back.”

ASHLEY

Yes. “Pay It Back.”

(Richard looks quietly angry.)

MATTHEW

I totally loved that movie.

ASHLEY

Me, too!

MATTHEW

The guy was really good in it.

ASHLEY

Yeah, yeah. It was…Bruce Willis.

(Richard is very perturbed.)

MATTHEW

Was it? I don’t think so.

(Richard looks hopeful.)

ASHLEY

No?

MATTHEW

I think it was Kelsey…something…

(Richard looks pissed.)

ASHLEY

That guy from that TV show.

MATTHEW

Yeah. I’m pretty sure it was him.

ASHLEY

He was so good.

MATTHEW

I was really touched by that movie. It made me want to do good things.

ASHLEY

It’s up there on my list of great movies. A classic.

RICHARD (while eating soup)

“Pay It Forward.”

ASHLEY

Excuse me?

RICHARD

“Pay It Forward.”

MATTHEW

Are you talking to us?

RICHARD

Yes. Yes. You people are infuriating. The movie is called “Pay It Forward.” It stars Kevin Spacey, Helen Hunt and Haley Joel Osment who no longer qualifies as a child actor. And, to top it all off, the movie is a piece of shit.

ASHLEY

You’ve seen it?

RICHARD

No.

MATTHEW

Then how do you know?

RICHARD

I saw the trailers. I read a few reviews. I avoided that movie like the plague.

ASHLEY

But you didn’t see it.

RICHARD

If I see a piece of dog shit on the sidewalk, I don’t need to pick it up and put it in my mouth to prove it’s shit. It’s shit and I step around it.

MATTHEW

Hey, man, we’re eating.

ASHLEY

You’re being very rude.

RICHARD (getting up)

Fine. Fine. I need to go anyway. I’m on my way to go see Fritz Lang’s “M” starring Peter Lorre. A classic film.

(He leaves.)

MATTHEW

Wow. Some people, right.

ASHLEY

Clearly not a fan of good movies. Whoever heard of “M”?

MATTHEW

Did you see that one Julia Roberts movie?

ASHLEY

“My Best Friend’s Wedding And A Funeral.”

MATTHEW

Yes!

ASHLEY

Total classic.

(Blackout.)

Week 52, Day 362 - "Born Again"

“Born Again”

Written by Joe Janes

1/15/10

352 of 365

Cast:

Eva, 20s

Louis, 20s

Jesus, 30s

(Lights up on Louis sitting in a coffee shop, sipping coffee. Eva enters with her coffee and sits at a nearby table. Louis watches her. She says a silent prayer before sipping her coffee.)

LOUIS

Eva?

(Eva looks around.)

LOUIS (continuing)

Eva Cutcher?

EVA

Louis?

LOUIS

Yes. It’s so good to see you.

(He gets up and approaches her. He wants to go in for a hug, she’s not sure to stand or not. She stands, but makes sure there’s a lot of distance between their torsos as they hug. He sits down at her table.)

LOUIS (continuing)

You look great.

EVA

Thanks. So do you.

LOUIS

I haven’t seen you in years. Look, I’m really sorry about how things ended between us. I always thought you were a really great person.

EVA

That’s nice of you to say.

LOUIS

So, what have you been doing with your self?

EVA

I work as a legal assistant.

LOUIS

Great. You wanted to do that.

EVA

Just bought a condo.

LOUIS

Well, dig you.

EVA

And I’m a born again Christian.

LOUIS

That’s new. You know, this is crazy, but I was just thinking about you. Do you ever think about me?

EVA

Oh, yes. In fact, I pray for you. Every day.

LOUIS

Oh. That’s thoughtful, but I don’t think God really hears prayers.

EVA

I pray to Jesus about you.

LOUIS

I’m Jewish.

EVA

I pray for you to burn in hell.

LOUIS

Are you allowed to do that?

EVA
My prayers. Before you go to hell, I pray that you experience some horrible, horrible things. Disfigurement. Homelessness. Leprosy.

LOUIS

Why would you do such a thing?

EVA

You’re a horrible person, Louis Goldman. You’re a liar. An infidel.

LOUIS

I’m not as bad as I used to be. I’ve gotten better. Can’t you pray for me to keep becoming a better person?

EVA

I’d rather pray God smite you. It fills my heart with joy.

LOUIS

Okay. Well, if you ever think you might be able to forgive me-

EVA

I tried.

LOUIS

And-

EVA

I’m praying your eyes bulge out as your throat closes up from being attacked by venomous vipers. Praise the Lord.

LOUIS (standing)

I’m going to go, now.

EVA (standing)

I’m late for the prayer group I lead. Today we’re going to spend the entire hour praying Jesus comes into your life and kicks you in the balls.

(She exits.)

LOUIS

I left you because you were crazy! Man, I can’t believe I was actually missing her. (Louis turns to leave and a bearded man looking like Jesus enters.) Jesus?

JESUS

My son.

LOUIS

Did you hear all those nasty things Eva was saying about me?

JESUS

Yes. I did. (Jesus puts his hands on Louis’s shoulders.) Have patience. She knows not what she says. She is full of sadness and pain. Her heart will heal. All you need to do is pray for her. I will hear your prayers.

LOUIS

Really?

(Jesus knees Louis in the groin.)

JESUS

Just kidding.

(Blackout)

Week 52, Day 361 - "Your New Improv Coach"

“Your New Improv Coach”

Written by Joe Janes

1/14/10

361 of 365

Cast:

Crystal Dee, 30s

(Lights up on Crystal Dee, a very energetic woman a nice blouse and old sweatpants.)

CRYSTAL DEE

Is everybody here? Is this everybody?...Okay. Okay. Cool. We’ll, get started. How’s everybody doing?...I said, “How’s everybody doing, yo?”... That’s better. I knew you could do it. My name is Crystal Dee. I’m going to be your new improv coach. Good looking team. Lots of hotties and studs. Tonight, you’re just checking me out, as a coach, get your mind out of the gutter. Hopefully, we hit it off and we get to do this more often. Right? Right….You might have seen me around town. I’m on several improv teams. Shut The Chuckle Up, Mr. Peepers and Unnatural Gas. There are other teams I coach. You’ve probably heard of Jest in Show and Improvised Kafka. I also teach and am an ensemble member over at Comedy Olympians – the home of pun and games.

But enough about me. Let’s do some improv, yeah? Everybody up on your feet. Stand on up. Good, good, good. Come on, now. Everybody. Stretch. Everybody stretch. Shake out your arms and your legs. Take a deep breath. Let it out. Give yourself a big old hug. A big squeeze. This is a friendly ol’ hug. Keep it clean. (She is hugging herself) Hug and hug and hug. (She realizes she may have been doing this too long.) Okay, break it up or get a room with yourself.

Now, then… Two people up. Come on, don’t be shy. Two people up. You and you. (She gets two audience volunteers up and on the stage. A man and a woman.) What are your names? (They respond.) Cool. Cool. The guy’s are pretty hot in this group. And you’re pretty, too. How long have you been in improv? (She cuts the woman off.) I’ve been doing this ten years. Ten years. Took my first class from improv guru Ed Garza. Do you know who Ed Garza is? Well, you should. Big lesson, here. Know your roots, people. Ed Garza, Jim Belushi, Viola Spelling. Okay, you are a couple and you are decorating your condo for a “Lost” premiere watching party. Okay – and go!... (They, through Crystal’s side coaching, if need be, begin an improvised scene.) …Good, good, keep going. His name is Benji. Call him Benji… Good, good, you guys rock, keep going….Okay, uh, woman-girl, as Benji inflates the palm tree balloon – inflate a palm tree balloon – object work, people – as he does that, you find a woman’s phone number written on a napkin in lipstick in his jacket pocket. It’s hanging on the door. Make it look natural. (She side coaches them through this action.) Okay, okay, woman-girl, you find the number, it has lipstick on it, what’s your reaction? …Class, what would you do? .. Okay, those choices are all wrong. If you get angry, he’ll leave and you’ll have all your friends coming over for a party and have to explain why your live-in boyfriend isn’t there. And you ruin the “Lost” premiere by wailing all the way through it. Especially when Sawyer comes on. So, it’s improv, discover another reaction to have other than anger and confrontation. Go… (She side coaches the woman through reacting to the note and squashes all the woman’s choices.) Look. Look. It’s a class. You’re new, you’re green. It’s a process (pronounced proh-cess). But let me show you what a more experienced improviser would do. Stand over there. (She places the woman to the side of the stage.) Keep blowing up that palm tree, Benji!... So, I’m putting up a welcome sign near the door and, oh, no, I knocked Benji’s jacket down off the coat rack… See, natural… I pick up the jacket and dust it off, accidentally slip my hand in one of the pockets and what’s this?… I see the note. Benji doesn’t see me see the note. I look at it. I read it. I process my emotions about it. Anger? Hurt?... All very obvious choices. Never go with the obvious choice. The right choice is fear and suppression. I shove the napkin back into his pocket, put the jacket on the hook, turn and smile at Benji…. See, it’s all about relationship. We’re decorating but it’s not about decorating, it’s about relationship. I march over to Benji and knock the palm tree out of his mouth, grab him firmly by the boobs and kiss him. (She does this. If the actress doesn’t think a kiss would work here with the volunteer, she can substitute “nuzzle.” And she should nuzzle the hell out of him.) Benji looks in my eyes and says, “I love you.” (She waits for the volunteer to say, “I love you.”) And “I will never, ever, leave you, Crystal.” (She waits/coaches him through that.) And…scene.

Good job, you two. Good job. So much potential. Have a seat. Great scene. I think this is going to work out. Hey, one last group thing. Everybody back on your feet. Stand up. Hands in. Come on. Hands in. (She sticks her hand out and tries to the best of her ability to do a “hands in” with the audience.) Crystal rocks on three. One-two-three- Crystal rocks! Whoo! I’m hitting the bar across the street. See you over there? I’ll even let you buy me a drink. Okay. Okay. See you over there. Make sure Benji goes!

(Blackout.)